Don't Stop Believing

As I went into the bedroom to dress, I thought about what I should wear for tomorrow. I had absolutely no idea because I didn't know if Dell's surprise was a stay in surprise or a go out surprise. I think that let me know that I was getting old because I'd have ten to one preferred a stay home and get naked surprise with my husband than going out to a fancy restaurant or anywhere else. But even if all he wanted to do was take me out in his new car, I'd be happy. I'd be happy doing anything with Dell. That much hadn't changed.

The ringing of my phone took me out of my misery. I was in a good mood when I picked it up and said, "Hello."

"You STUPID bitch!" screamed the caller. The voice was so full of anger and hatred I almost dropped the phone. "What the fuck did you do?" she screamed again. I was about to hang up until I realized that the caller was my sister.

"May, why are you screaming at me?" I asked calmly.

"Do you know how long I've been working on him?" she screamed again. "All for you...don't do anything just sit down wherever you are. I'll be there in five minutes."

I hung up the phone and went back to trying to figure out what to wear. Then I had it. The skirt and blouse outfit that I'd worn when I tried to convince Dell not to divorce me would be perfect. I knew that it would light his fire. But a light jacket or coat to cover up how tightly the skirt outlined my ass would make it wearable in public. I hadn't worn the skirt in ten years I was saving it for Dell. I found it in the back of my closet and it still looked new.

As I tried to put it on I discovered that I couldn't fit into it anymore. I couldn't even pull the skirt over my hips, let alone zip it. Going to the mall to find a replacement might be a good idea I thought. Before I could pull the skirt back down my sister came storming into the room.

"So how was it?" she asked.

"Well, I can't get the skirt on..." I began. She just looked at me and shook her head.

"You do know that this is all your fault don't you?" she asked. "I really can't help you this time. This time there are no weird circumstances and no college boys to blame it on. None of your lawyer friends will be able to help you."

I felt my heart clutch in my chest and I looked at her. "What are you babbling about May?" I asked.

"June, are you stupid or what?" she asked. "You didn't even see it did you?"

"See what?" I asked.

"You must have been in a really big hurry when you got home not to have noticed it," she said.

"I had to take a shower," I said.

"Yeah I know," she smirked, shaking her head at me. I wondered why everyone kept saying that.

"Come on into the dining room," she said.

I followed her into the dining room and noticed that the table had been cleared. All of the place mats were neatly stacked on the buffet. The only thing on the table was a stack of papers. On top of the stack of papers was a small object that seemed to be placed there as if to hold them down. I wondered if it was Dell's surprise.

"This is not what he was going to do for you tomorrow," she spat.

As I approached the table I noticed that the object on top of the papers was a ring. Then I noticed that it was Dell's wedding ring and my heart started to thunder in my chest.

I turned to look at my sister for an explanation.

"He really works fast," she said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"For the past three weeks Dell and I have been planning out what he was going to do to win you back," she said sadly. "He bought you a new wedding ring and you and he were going to spend the next few days renewing your wedding vows. He didn't want to just come home and fuck you, because you mean or meant so much more to him than that. He wanted to make a grand romantic gesture to signify that your old marriage was gone and with it all of its problems and weirdness. All the poor man wanted was a chance to start over again with the woman he stupidly loved."

"How was it stupid of him to love me?" I asked.

"June, over the past however many years it's been that the two of you have been doing this weird married but not married thing, Dell has never cheated on you once. He loved you. About a month ago, he came home, still angry at you and told you some lies about stopping off to screw some woman. You immediately laughed at him and told him what he'd really done. We all know that he'd never cheat on you. But after the way you beat him over the head with your lawyers when he tried to divorce you, finding out that you put a PI on him pissed him off."

"I did something pretty bad to him too," she said. "I recorded him talking about you." I watched as my sister pulled out her phone. She pushed a button and I heard her talking to Dell.

"You're blushing," May said. "Over the years you don't seem to have noticed that her ass has gotten a bit fatter and her gut sticks out at least as much as her boobs have you?"

"Things like that don't matter," said Dell. "She's still the hottest woman on the planet to me."

"What about the cellulite on the back of her thighs or the wrinkles on her face?" May asked.

"She's the prettiest girl I know," Dell said.

"That's how he felt about you, Stupid. He decided to try to get you back. He forgot about the PI he'd hired while we planned his grand seduction. You should see the ring, it's beautiful. Apparently he got the PI report back this morning and found out that HE was the only one who stayed faithful over the past ten years..."

"Nooo," I said. I picked up the file and found pictures from my most recent trysts, but also dates, times and more information than I thought possible about some of the men I'd gone to over the years when my need for sex was so bad that I couldn't stand it.

"He has to understand," I said. "It was only sex...I..."

"Save it stupid," she said "You lost him. He's gone this time."

"Fuck that," I said. "I prevented him from divorcing me last time and I'll do it again..."

All I heard then was the sound of my sister laughing at me.

"What's so God damned funny?" I asked.

"Do you see any divorce papers in that stack?" she asked. I looked through the stack. There was only the PI report and the ring. I looked at her. Somehow, my sister who didn't even like men, knew more about my husband than I did.

"He doesn't care about a divorce," she said. "The only reason he did the divorce thing last time was because he needed to go through legal channels to make sure he got to see his kids. The kids are grown now so there's nothing holding him here. For a while he'd thought...And I worked my ass off to make him realize that the love he felt for you was really as strong as ever. It was June. That poor man loved you fiercely. Why else did he continue to see you like some supermodel as your ass spread and your tits sagged. You didn't even try to stay in shape or make yourself attractive because you never had to. He loved you so much it just wasn't necessary."

"From what he told me, he finally figured out a way to burn that love out of his heart. It was seeing you in room 123 of the Bide Away motel fucking some fat, bald headed guy this afternoon. When he left, just ahead of you, he just wanted to get home, get all of his things into that truck that was pulling away as you drove in and say goodbye to you. He has a new job out of state. He's gone."

"But I won't give him a divorce..." I said.

"He doesn't need one," she smirked. "Just because you're married it doesn't mean you have to live together or be together. The only way he'd need a divorce would be if he wanted to get married again and you've pretty much soured him on all women. The last thing he told me was that all he needs is his kids and his car. I truly hope it was worth it. You had him back, June. After all of this time; you had him back and you just fucked it away."

I slumped to the floor and started crying then.

* * * * * *

Epilog

Dell

As I pull into the driveway of my beachfront condo, I wave at one of my neighbors. She's a typical Florida girl. She's tall and thin with big boobs and long sandy blond hair. She has one of those Florida names, I think it's Sandy or Tammy or Heather or some shit like that. I've been here for seven months now and I'm finally starting to feel like I'm home. My kids visit regularly. Both of those moochers stayed with me when they came down here for spring break. Of course, they also came for Thanksgiving and though I hadn't expected it, they came for Christmas as well.

I did have one other visitor who came by regularly for a couple of months until her mission was accomplished. She doesn't come down here as often now but we still speak on the phone. We'll have a connection of sorts for the rest of our lives but it's not like we're in love or anything.

Speaking of love, I live with mine now. I committed to her fully as soon as we arrived here in Florida for me to become my company's new regional manager. She's been with me ever since the trip down here and she's all I could ask for. We had no problems on the drive down here although we stopped at a lot of bars and other places. This one will never betray me, she's truly mine all mine. I needed to let her know how I felt about her after the long drive so I broke down and got her something to let her know how I felt. Oh and I gave her the wedding ring I'd intended for June too. She really didn't know what to do with the ring. It just dangles on a chain from her rear view mirror. But she loves the supercharger I had put in her. We did the full hookup. She got a supercharger, an intercooler, high flow injectors, iridium plugs, the whole nine yards. After spending that much cash on her, I'm sure we'll be together forever.

I smile as Sandy or whatever her name is waves again and calls out to me. I can't make out a word the bitch is saying and she knows it. I think she's purposefully keeping her voice low so she can come over and talk to me. Fuck that; never again. I'm getting more than enough pussy without needless complications. Shit, I'm getting way more than I have for the past ten years even if it is only once or twice a month.

I'll talk to you later, I yell to Sandy, Tammy, Lisa, Heather, shit one of them has to be her fucking name. I see myself changing into running shorts and going for a run on the beach. After that I'll have a quick meal and then take my sweetie out for a drive in the moonlight and let my little pony stretch her legs. I guess this isn't everyone's idea of the perfect life. For a lot of people, driving off into the sunset alone doesn't seem like much of a victory. But after being locked in a prison that was not of my choosing for ten long fucking years, I came to truly know myself and maybe not what I wanted but what I need.

We're all different and like the song says, "Some will win, some will lose. And some were born to sing the blues. But the movie never ends it goes on and on and on."

I guess I'm one of the ones who lose. But I tried as hard as I could to win. It just wasn't in the cards. But I'm okay with that. Maybe next time it'll be my turn to win. Not every guy gets the girl. Some of us have to be satisfied with a good life and a hot assed car.

When I first landed in that prison, I never stopped believing. There was no need for me to. I could have walked out of there anytime I wanted. The thing was that to do that I'd have had to leave my kids and that I could never do.

But I always knew I'd get out someday. We're all trapped in some way. It may be poverty, a shitty job or just a bad marriage, but I we don't stop believing eventually we'll be free.

* * * * * *

Epilog

June

I hadn't seen my sister in months. When she called me and invited me to come to her party I was shocked. I guess she was right to be angry with me. I'd ruined my life and my marriage despite everything she'd done over the years to try to help me. My life has gone to shit since Dell walked out on me. Without his income, I lost the house. It was a slow and painful process. We'd refinanced the house several times over the years and slowly lost more and more of our equity in it. We'd taken out another equity loan to help pay for the kids' tuition and after that we really didn't have much equity in the house. So when Dell left and I started missing mortgage payments the writing was on the wall.

Finally, I just rented an apartment that I could afford and called the bank and told them that I'd left the key in the mailbox. It was a sad time when I think about all of the blood, sweat and tears that we put into that house over the years.

As I knock on the door to May's apartment, I can hear the squeals and laughter from inside. May opens the door and I get the biggest shock of my life. My sister, the closet lesbian, is pregnant. May was always the prettier one of us but now when I'm so depressed that I look like a fucking bag lady, she is radiant. She pulls me inside and hugs me. I've never seen her so happy.

"May, how...?" I begin.

"Later," she says. "For now just enjoy yourself. You look like hell and according to my niece and nephew you aren't eating well." With that she turns and goes to open the door again for another guest.

For a couple of hours I eat, drink and try to be merry. But curiosity about more than my sister's mysterious pregnancy dogs my mind. I wonder why after all of this time, May finally wants to talk to me again. I also wonder how much the in vitro cost her. I've heard that it's very expensive. I wonder if her and her girlfriend or lover or whatever you call them will raise the child together or if that will cause problems. Shit, I know the kid would call May, "Mommy", but what would she call the other woman? Shit, what if it's a boy?

After eating more food than I can remember and watching as everyone except me gives my sister presents for her baby, the guests start to leave. As I start to get up, May shakes her head at me to indicate that I should stay.

About a half hour later, she slumps down into the chair next to me.

"May, I had no idea that you were..." I said. She just smiled.

"I didn't tell anyone until I started to show," she said. "I guess it's just not something that people who know me would have thought that I'd want. There have been a lot of changes going on in my life and some revelations that I don't think that I was ready for."

"Is your girlfriend happy about this?" I asked, taking a stab with the term girlfriend.

"Speaking of happiness, how are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm pretty fucking miserable," I said. "I go through stages of crying for days on end. And then other times, when I'm determined to find him and..." She just smiled and nodded her head.

"...I'm going to find him again," I said.

"Don't stop Believing," she said with a smile. She just seemed really happy.

"So, is your girlfriend...?" I began again.

"She's gone," said May still smiling. "I can't blame her. Kids were not on the menu when we got to together. She's not the mommy type and she absolutely hated what I did to get this way. But I really wanted to have a baby before it was too late."

"Shit, I don't blame her," I said. "I don't think I could stand all of those people prodding me and all those test tubes and all of that bullshit. Yuck!"

"I got my baby the EXACT same way you did," she said. My mouth dropped open suddenly. I noticed after a few seconds of not processing thoughts that drool was running down over the edge of my lips. I had to use my hands to close my mouth because I couldn't work my jaw muscles.

"You mean a guy...?" I said. "But I thought you were..."

"I still am," she said.

"But I thought you hated men," I said.

"I found one, that I don't hate," she said. "It took me all of my life but I finally found one who wasn't full of shit. I finally found one who had some real morals and stuck to his commitments even when the people around him didn't. I found an actual guy who really believed that sex was better as a part of a loving relationship and didn't just say it to get some pussy. I found a guy I could trust with my secrets even when I couldn't trust certain family members."

I knew that she meant me when she said that. I tried to change the subject.

"I'm trying to get some of the PIs from work to find Dell for me," I said.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I want him back," I hissed.

"June, leave him alone," she said. "Wherever he is he's happy. At least he's not suffering anymore."

"He'll be happier when we're back together," I snapped at her.

"June, you cheated on him for over ten years," she said.

"But that was just because, I need sex," I said. "Shit, he was the one who got me that way and I've never found any guy who can make me feel the way he did. And it wasn't just the sex. Even thought the sex was great, I miss lying there with him holding me, more than anything else. May, I remember when I was pregnant he'd lie down beside me and just rub my tummy and tell me how much he loved me."

"Yes, that really is the best," she said. "He's really good at that."

"I only cheated on him when I just couldn't go without. It was only two or three times a year," I said.

"But it wouldn't have happened f you hadn't started out by cheating on him in the first place," she said. "Maybe he still has a tiny place for you in the bottom of his heart and he's just waiting for it to heal again. Maybe if you give it some time and you're a good girl someday he may forgive you and the two of you could get back together. Don't stop believing June, he never did.

I started crying then and she rubbed my tears from my eyes.

"But even if I was a good girl and kept my legs closed, I'm not as pretty as I once was. Shit, I have trouble finding guys who want me now," I said. "And since Dell walked out on me, I've just lost all interest in sex. It cost me too much."

"And anyway even if I was a good girl how the hell would he ever know?" I said absent mindedly.

"I'd tell him," she said lazily, she was getting sleepy too. But hearing her words made me think about everything we'd just said.

"What the fuck do you mean you'd tell him?" I yelled. Then I stared at her. "Did you say, "He really is good at that?"

She just nodded and rubbed her tummy, smiling. "He really is."

The end.