En Dag Tilbage

"Yes, I'm coming." I replied as I straightened my dress just the way I liked it.

"Mail call." My father strolled in with a handful of mail; he went through it and let out a curious, "Huh," and dropped it in front of me. I picked up at the little package he set down in front of me. I looked at it strangely; it was addressed to me, but from the hotel. Maybe it was a bill, from our trip, or our wine coolers that lay untouched in our room, or maybe it was just a thank you letter, or even a sympathy letter. I tore the package open, and pulled out an envelope, written with the hotel's stationary, and it bore the address, "My darling Jessica." I eagerly tore it open and pulled out the letter inside and read it.

"Dear Jessica, How do I begin? The love we shared was something I will never forget, I hope that you won't either, you made my last wish come true and then some." I smirked, remembering when we first had sex; it was kind of awkward, even considering we were both virgins, but I read on. "I am sorry however that I was not with you when I died, but I did not want you to be sad about my journey, but don't worry, I will be waiting for you always, remembering the times we shared. There are so many things that are beautiful in this world, a starry night, an ocean wave, a simple flower, and of all things, you. Please do not worry about me, I have gone to a better place, a place where there aren't any doctors, any pain, and no chemotherapy. In closing this sad letter, I must tell you that I love you more than you could ever..." The last word was difficult for me to read but I could guess what it was. "Your ever loving brother/husband, Ben." I inhaled a raspy breath and set the letter gently back into its envelope.

I wondered why the hotel had sent a package though, the letter was enough, but something told me to check it. I shook the package upside down and out fell the ring and a little note. A maid cleaning the room had found it and was quite eager to return it, assuming it had meant a lot to me. The ring sparkled in my hand, just as brilliantly as the day Ben had given it to me, the inscription still bearing, "Ben and Jess 4 ever." I wanted to cry at that moment, I had looked so feverishly for the ring and had never found it, finally giving up and frustration and disappointment, but here it was back again. I slipped the ring over my finger, but it seemed a little smaller than before, meaning once it was on, it would be hard to get off again.

"Are you coming?" My mother asked, poking her head back into my room. I had been so caught up in Ben's letter; I hadn't heard them telling me they were going to leave.

"Yes...yes...I'm coming." I replied as I stood up, and walked out of the door, with my black dress squeezing tightly to me.

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The funeral was a miserable event, a couple of people from school came, especially Kaliegh. She met my parents at the door, telling them how much Ben had meant to her and was sad to see him go, I wanted to throw up from anger and disgust, but I walked away and found Estella. She was the only one besides me, and my parents that knew Ben, but I think I knew him more than all of them. The minister gave the speech...you know the one when someone dies, "The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want..." I looked at Ben from the front row, his face tranquil and forgiving but without any real expression. "...And I will dwell in the house of the lord forever...amen." The minister made the sign of the cross and clenched a rosary to Ben's forehead and walked back over to his microphone. "Now...if anyone has anything to say about young Ben, it will be greatly appreciated." I glanced back quickly and saw Kaliegh beginning to hold her dress close to her body to get up, so I jumped up and trotted quickly to the microphone. I looked at Ben, then at the audience and sighed, my speech was hastily made, but I felt it would do him justice.

"Ben..." I tried to start, but nothing else came out, I shook my head and tried again. "Ben was..." I felt my throat closing up, I wanted to tell them how much I loved Ben and how much he meant to me, but then again, what would they think? I had slept with Ben; we had made love together, we had shared more than I could've ever thought in my entire life. I felt the stares of the audience waiting for me to tell them the truth but something made me hold back, Ben wouldn't be able to defend himself, I would, but it probably wouldn't do both of us any good. "I...I...I'm sorry, I can't do this." I regretfully stepped off the podium and ran out with tears in my eyes.

"Are you all right, honey?" My mother asked after a couple of minutes alone, she ran her hand over my back, trying to comfort me, but it wasn't what I needed. I needed for her to say something that would make me happy again, to make me remember how much Ben was loved.

"No." I said bluntly as my mother wiped my tears with a pink handkerchief.

"Oh, I know it's hard, but Ben's gone." She replied, she didn't know my sadness, it was different from hers, it was the sadness for someone I truly loved, someone that there could never be another of, gone from this world forever.

"Can I have a...couple of minutes alone with him?" I asked. She looked at me with softening eyes and nodded. I had to wait after the service though so that everyone had a chance to say goodbye, and then my mother ushered everyone out of the church for me.

"We'll be back soon." My mother kissed me and I nodded, knowing I didn't have all the time in the world to say goodbye. I watched everyone leave and looked around to make sure I was alone before I began.

"Hi Ben." I said as if he was still alive, right there next to me. "I really miss you." I tried to keep the tears back and it worked for a little bit but they eventually broke through. "I...I just never got a chance to say goodbye to you...to tell you how much I loved you." I choked up and then felt the ring tightening around my finger. It took my mind off of my sadness, "I got your ring back...I promise I'll never take it off again." I inhaled and exhaled sadly as I looked up to the ceiling. "I guess I will have to get used to you not being here, your smiles...I'll miss them the most." I gave a small smirk, remembering that smile that Ben always had on his face. He had taught me something different about life, it wasn't about being sad or mad or glad, it was about enjoying life, not taking things so seriously, because we, in Ben's case, are only here for a short time and you never know that the person next to you could be your future love.

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I don't think I ever got over Ben's death, but I eventually had to go on, I married a great guy who tried to please me and make me as happy as Ben had but it just wasn't the same. Even though Rick is not the greatest looking guy, he makes me have the same warm feeling I had when I was with Ben, when we got married I kept Ben's ring on, and Rick had to put the wedding ring on my other hand, and in some thought, I was still somehow married to Ben. Every year I come back to the place where Ben was buried, carrying the two most beautiful wild flowers I can find, laying one on Ben's grave and one behind my ear. It serves to honor Ben in some way, my husband always asks why I put the flower behind my ear, sometimes I tell him for Ben, sometimes not, and sometimes I say nothing at all. He just wouldn't know what I meant.

THE END