All Comments on 'Forceful Women Ch. 01'

Dear Artimes, Goddess of Hunting,

Your Arrow is not quite on the mark with this story.

The plot is ok, the characterisation good, but whatever happened to your punctuation, and word-choice lessons?

To read a story with enjoyment, the eyes should, indeed must, give an uninterrupted flow of ideas, your ideas, to the brain.

Generally, there are full stops (periods) and commas missing throughout the text. Quotation Marks, too are not well handled.

But the major task in front of you is word choice.

Para 1 lacks a full stop at the end of the quote

Para 2 has a quotation with a non-quote in the middle of it.

Para 3 "but she was Richard's husband " Husband??

Para 4 "down the road and out of site" Sight, perhaps

Para 5 "I smiled weekly" every seven days ?

Para 8 "we take are time here"

Para 16 " I was in a trace being lead " Trance / Led.

para 17 "we kept going right out of a pair of French windows" Windows ? Doors perhaps, lead to the beach

Para 20something "revealing her naked body apart from a small thong" the thong was, in fact, not apart from her body

And the mind says to the eye every paragraph. . . " what does that mean", and the eye has to re-read, . . . Think of your car. Think of driving it when the engine stops at every corner. Your Tale is like this.

Ok, so no one is perfect, least of all me. but heavens to Betsy, at least **Read your MS** after your typist has done his/her job.

Yes I know I'm mostly negative, and this IS your first offering, but thirty minutes proof-reading would have made the world of difference.

Kilroy of Aus

I found it purile and weak. Few things kill a good erotic story than the misuse of words like are, your and there. How simple is it to say you're an idiot instead of your so beautiful?

Shoot your editor and be a touch more creative next time. Word count could be stronger as well.