Cate's Struggles

"You're right, I think," Eleanore said. "No need in breaking up protons and neutrons for a beginning point. We can always say it's inherent in the atom where those little rascals seem to live, as well as elsewhere, I imagine. So, no where else to go after that?"

"Why not say that the universe itself is intelligent, as well as creative?" Mary asked.

"That's a good possibility too," Eleanore said, "and some already are asking that, but mostly we don't seem to feel able to process that possibility. Maybe our culture doesn't like thinking that way."

"Haley thought about what Liv said about belonging. Liv quoted someone's writing on it. I say this because it's something else we know about ourselves. Most of us never think of it, but we want to belong: in a group, with a particular person, a society, something. We're drawn to belong, made to belong. Is it gravity?" I asked with a smile.

"Or something else? Whatever, I personally didn't want to belong to anyone or anything, but that was because of how I was raised. My family taught me not to belong unless I wanted to be used for whatever others had in mind for me. When I met Lanie, I knew there was more to it all, that I did want to belong."

"Lanie?" Ariel asked, ever aware of things like that. I had said her name without thinking, and now I knew I had to explain who Lanie was.

"I'm sorry, I just said her name without thinking. Lanie was my wife. We were married, but some rich guy thought she should belong to him, at least for the moment, and killed her when she refused. She was the one who brought me out of my little private world into the outer world of people, or at least to her world. After that, it was Haley who brought me out of my private world again," I said, a smile on my face as I looked at Haley who had nothing in her eyes save love.

"Anyway," I didn't give them time to ask more, "we also have instincts, and those seem to have evolved in us as most likely the need to belong also did. After all, when we're born, we can't rely on ourselves to do for us. We have other instincts, and all of those can only be traced to evolving. It's hard to imagine us evolving like that. I mean, from molecules, or cells that may have started two to three or more billion years ago as some scientists believe they've found evidence of in Greenland and Australia. To most of us, ancient is the fifties, or the roaring twenties, or if you prefer, the time of the pyramids in Egypt a few thousand years ago. But a thousand of those thousand years is a million years, and we can't imagine that far back, much less a thousand million years ago which is a billion years. It boggles my mind, so yes, it's hard to think of it all, much less the why of it."

"Yeah, I guess it is. As you put it, it helps to see how Liv put some things together," Penny said. "It must be why those religious leaders preferred that none of us think, like Martin Luther, and frankly, all of the rest since then, and before that too."

"Yeah, they shut up Galileo, and who was that girl in Alexandria?" Ariel asked.

"Hypatia," Caryn said, "and wasn't she something?" she more said than asked in admiration.

"Yeah, that's her," Ariel agreed.

"One of my four heroines," I said, "the others being Rosalind Franklin, Vera Rubin, and Lynn Margulis."

"You mentioned Margulis before; who are the others besides Hypatia?" Anise asked, interested wondering on her face.

"Vera Rubin is a spectacularly accomplished astronomer who hasn't gotten her due, in my prejudiced opinion and minuscule knowledge, and Rosalind Franklin had a copy of an Xray she made of the double helix stolen; had she been looking for glory, she would have been the one to be considered the discoverer of the DNA double helix," I answered her.

"Oh. Thank you," Anise said.

"So what does that leave us believing we are?" Anise asked in a moment, a worried look on her face.

Mary kissed her, but it wasn't what she was after. Some silence followed as we pondered her question.

"If you don't mind it being a synthesis..."

"No, anything," she interrupted me. I smiled.

"Whatever drives life in us has driven us to be able to think, and so we have brains and whatever else. So for sure we're made to wonder, to be curious, and to be very creative, as well as belong and love, and that's what all you're doing with us right now, Anise. And frankly, that makes me wonder. Humanoids have been around for about six to seven million years, and those called Homo Erectus were around for over a million years as compared to our meager two hundred thousand years or so. Each time we evolved, we had more capability until our species. Why has nature, or the universe, invested us with so much? I can't help feeling that the progression is for a reason. Our jump has been tremendous, as has our creativity, our thinking ability, our intelligence. Whatever that reason is, perhaps we're supposed to seek it, and maybe we'll succeed, or maybe our successors are to succeed. That's what I believe simply by following what has taken place in the past, the connections I can make. That's how I see it, as well as loving, being loved, and belonging.

"From the last time we were together, I wondered about it. I don't have anything conclusive, but some thoughts on it. Definitely, it seems that Nature, as we call it, does what it can. That is, if it can be done, or happen, then it's done or happens. If we go from there, those molecules that made cells, which eventually made what we call humanoids—creatures like Home Erectus I just mentioned, those from which they think we might have evolved from—I wondered if Nature didn't just keep going with what could be done, and evolved us step by step as was possible. It's not much, but a thought I've been working with," I said.

Anise thought about it, and I thought, the others did too.

"Sounds so like Liv and Jabs," Penny said.

"Yes," Paula agreed.

"Speaking of Liv," I began again, "I read all she had to say as it was given to me by Ariel. She offered no truth per se, but did bring out one of the great lies of the ages, and that's the Zeitgeist of the churches and their so-called Holy Book. I'm not sure if she intended it, but I have to wonder if she was trying not only to help lesbians persecuted by ignorant churches, but also espousing that the way to progress is through opening ourselves up to finding what is true, what is genuinely good. I can't help but think that may be so, but you all would know better."

"She was, but she never said that to anyone," Eleanore said. "Is that how you remember it?" she asked, looking at Paula.

"Yes. That's true. After some time, she said that we'd never really progress in truly finding what we needed to know if we remained blinded by pure belief that didn't stand up to the objective scrutiny of the bible—that is, all the obvious errors, and the falsity of the bible. That eventually, the truth of it had to be accepted, or we would become a religiously dominated country like the Puritans tried to make us when they first arrived here. She hated that idea because its present intolerance would become even greater than we now see. In fact, she did warn in her class of that possibly happening."

Again, there was silence.

"I've been like you, Anise, after I began hanging out with this group, and then with Cate. I never thought of much, but now I wish I had, and I'm trying to now, so welcome to our club," Haley grinned sweetly at Anise, who smiled shyly, and looked somewhat mollified.

"I'm sorry. I know I haven't been with all of you long, but when I hear all of this, and I have the feeling that everything all of you say is true, or a fact, that is, I feel so lost. Honestly, I do appreciate everybody here. Mary has been teaching me what all Liv taught, and so have Ariel and Caryn as best they can. Mary's still working hard to help me out. Like Caryn told me about herself, I was worked over pretty hard by the church I went to."

"That's me too, but not with the religion stuff. I had other problems," Haley said.

"But it was me," Caryn said, "with all the religion stuff, that is."

"Yeah, I had a lot of that," Anise said. "That's where Mary has helped me a lot. So have all of you, and this too. I'm glad you all let me come to meet with all of you."

"We let you come for two or more reasons," Paula said. "First, you're with Mary who has been a part of this group long before me, and second because you're sweet and honest, and we all love you as we all love each other as friends."

Anise smiled and blushed, but happy to hear what Paula said.

"For myself too, and for Anise, I'm grateful for this group," Mary added. "Anise and I have been working on what all they've drilled into her. We've even thought about going away for a while to try to work on it away from everyone and everything."

"That's a great idea," Ariel piped in. "Why don't you?" she asked that spontaneously, not intending to bring out anything that might be sensitive to them. They didn't take it that way.

"One thing is money. Every place has a price. That old song of 'if you got the money I got the time' don't work here," she grinned.

Again, some self-conscious silence followed Mary and Anise's admissions.

"There's one more thing I'd like to add, if I may," I started.

"Sure, Cate. What is it?" Eleanore asked.

"I'm not sure if this fits anywhere to what Anise needs to work out religious wise, but I noticed in Liv's writings that she had in there how women were so mistreated, thought of as lowly even, and in some sense, or so I took it, kind of dirty, not to mention unable to think for themselves. The phrase: The Devil's Gateway was pretty damning as far as I'm concerned. What I thought of when I read that, and how many preachers, as I understand it, think of women and our sex, that is, our genitalia, is that we're dirty. That all put me in the mind of a writer, Natalie Angier who once won a Pulitzer Prize for one of her writings. In this particular writing of hers on women, and our physical geography, she says that the cleanest orifice in our bodies is our vagina if we keep it clean, bathe it daily, that is, I think is what she meant. Unfortunately I didn't see where she got that from, but she does cite many experts in her book, though not on that part as far as I saw, but maybe I missed it. Just thought it might be nice to hear since we do get a lot of flak from many quarters that seem religiously oriented," I ended it.

"That's interesting," Sally said. "I'll have to look that up. Give it to me again."

"Let me have a copy of that too," Penny added.

I gave Sally the spelling of the writer's name, and what I remembered being the title of the book.

After that, it became more of a social meeting of friends enjoying each other's company until dinner, which Eleanore and Paula also had ready.

"Thanks for your input," Eleanore quietly told me when she had a chance away from the others.

"Thank you for having us as a group. It's been very interesting, and frankly, a good feeling to belong with everyone here.

After we broke up, I asked Haley if she had Mary's and Anise's number.

"Uh-huh. What do you have in mind, the cabin?" she guessed correctly.

"If we're not there, might as well put it to good use for someone else who needs it," I said.

* * * *

Home, I waited a short while, then called Mary.

"Mary, this is Cate, when can you both get away; I have a place for you to go, and it's very private if you'd like."

"Are you serious?" she asked. "Never mind, I know you are. Hold on a minute, okay?"

"Sure," I said and waited.

"We can swing next week if that's okay?"

"That'll be fine."

I picked her mind for all the information I needed, and gave her most of what they would need, then we set up the how of it.

"That was nice of you," Haley said. "Anise is as sweet as they come."

"Like Ariel and Caryn, huh?"

"Exactly like them. How I ever got so lucky is beyond me," she said. I knew what she meant.

Chapter 25

Eleanore called on Sunday morning.

"Can we come over?"

"Now?"

"If it's not inconvenient," she said. "We need to talk to you about something."

"Okay. Why don't you come over and plan on staying for dinner?" I asked.

"Now that's an offer that's hard to refuse."

* * * *

Once more it was hard for me to get used to the hugs and kisses on seeing a friend, but I was close to being used to it. It was a nice custom though bumping into Eleanore's larger than large bust was a tad disconcerting. As I understood it from those who said they had seen her mammaries, they were said to indeed be very large, and shockingly, very upright too, or so Haley said she was told.

"What all we talked about last night was very interesting, but I wish Liv had been with us to partake in it. She loved talking like that, exploring real possibilities, and not the 'me-to' things of the popular Christian writers, as she called them," Eleanore said with a sad sigh after we'd had some small talk.

"You all must have really gotten along superbly," I ventured, hoping I'd learn more about Liv.

"We did. Liv and I got along like you wouldn't believe, and when we three were alone, we'd talk up a storm, and mostly like this. You could say we were fishing. Yeah, that's what we did most often. That's why I said she'd have loved this."

"I wish I had known her too," I said, "but all I'll ever know of her is anything any of you that knew her to say, and what I have of her classes. I'll settle for that, but I do wish too."

Paula was off in a dream world of her own as we talked, but then she sighed quietly.

"Liv was marvelous," she said softly, remembering with a tenderness that was palpable. "She and Elle would get to it, get lost in it, that is, and I loved to listen to them talk. She was to where she loved Elle, and Elle was the same," she ended it.

We were silent, not knowing what we could say. Paula noticed it right off.

"No, I wasn't left out. Liv and I were lovers, partners, but she and Elle meshed so good, and, well..." she paused, and looked at Eleanore, who nodded.

"Go ahead if you wish to," Eleanore said. "It's fine, hon."

That, I thought, was the first time I heard an endearment pass between the two of them. Paula blushed mildly, bowed her head, and sighed quietly again.

"You know that she was warned that a preacher had spoken harshly about her, and the guy who shot her was from that church, don't you?"

"Yes, we do," Haley said softly.

"I—we've—never talked about this with anyone else," she said, and paused again. We waited on whatever it was she wished to say. "Liv did worry about it, and had the feeling that something as did happen would. She talked to me about it, and well, I cried my eyes out—so did she—but she told me she was more worried about what would happen to me. She knew Elle loved her, and me too, but Elle never said anything. She told me that she loved Elle too, just as she loved me; she wanted to know how I felt about Elle.

"I was afraid to say, in fact I had shut out those thoughts before, but Liv said it was okay, that Elle was a beautiful person, and it was difficult not to love her, so I told her that I thought I might love Elle too. She said that was good because if anything happened to her, she'd want to know that I'd be okay with Elle.

"I don't mean to talk like this, but Liv made some of the most beautiful love to me that night, and as she did, she carefully, I think, talked about Elle. I loved it all so much, and I sorrowed so much at the same time that I cried some more. Love and tears can mix, I found out, but I'd have rather not have known that.

"Anyway, she did apparently talk to Elle, and then we all came together, and made love. Yes, it was so beautiful when I finally allowed myself to feel it, but they both made sure it wouldn't take long for me to understand that it was okay for me to love them both, and to love their love of me.

"Why I say this, I think, is so that you'll know that Liv was one of the most beautiful persons in the world for all time, and I want you to know that because I think you deserve to understand Liv, and to know how she would have loved being here like this with us. Elle always promotes me to talk about Liv, I guess because she fell so in love with her as I did, and as Liv had with both of us. Anyway, this all brings Liv closer to us in a real live way in this world, so I wanted you to know that. Thank you for being you, for talking to us all, not just Elle and I, but everyone one of us in the group, and I hope you'll keep doing so. All of this is so like Liv," she ended, quiet tears softly wending their way down her cheeks.

Eleanore wiped at her tears, and kissed her cheeks with a tenderness that had me feeling I shouldn't be there, that it was too intimate, but they didn't seem to mind.

"Paula is right. Liv was more than wonderful, and I did, and still do, love her as I do Paula. I was lucky to have met them. I guess I was lucky Ariel and Caryn attended her class because they made Paula want to go to the club with them, and that next week, there they both were. And just think, now Ariel and Caryn have Anise in their meddling midst," Eleanor said with a soft laugh.

"Yeah, and they're so sweet," Paula said with a small laugh.

"I don't mean to be gross, or anything, but save for what happened to Liv, it's such a sweet story. Thank you, Paula, and you too, Eleanore," Haley said with great feeling.

"Well, we don't seem to have had much to say about what all you brought up before. Somehow I have a sense of needing to put on a show, sing maybe, but then you'd run us out because I can't sing worth a hoot," Eleanore said.

"You can too, you fibber," Paula kidded with her.

"No need to sing, but you can if you want to," I encouraged, but didn't think she'd take me up on the offer. She didn't.

"Cate, what I'd like to ask of you is to do some editing, and maybe some addition when you see a need. We've all often wondered who might take up Liv's teaching, and, well, I sense a need to do it, and so does Paula. Do you think you'd be able to do the editing, to kind of make sure what I have is polished. I can't just take Liv's stuff word for word. I could, but I think I should do what I can to add to it if possible. What do you think about it?"

"I'm not going to say the obvious because I sense you have more than a feel for how to do it, but if you'd like for me to read what you plan on saying, I'll be glad to do so for you. Add to it? Well, I doubt I can, or would have anything, but if something comes up, okay, I'll put it out there for you to decide if you want to use it or not," I said after I'd thought of it for a minute.

What I didn't say was that as happened to Liv could happen again, but to her, or both of them, but I was sure they'd thought of that already.

"Thanks. As you heard from Anise last night, she had church trouble too. As far as I'm concerned, they're mostly a bunch of idiots, or people who see a way to make a living as long as they keep their congregation as ignorant of the facts as possible," Eleanore said.

"The facts is right. None of us have the truth about life or anything close to it, but a lot of facts, yes, they're there, and they do definitely conflict with what the bible says. All I can say is that I wish you luck on it. I take it that you're both well settled cash wise," I dared intrude lightly on their finances.

"Yes, both Liv and I were set pretty good, and I still am. Liv fixed it so Paula would be taken care of though I have more than enough for both of us. Still, Liv's assets had to go someplace, and who else but Paula to give them too. She loved the heck out of our baby," she slipped again with an endearment.

They did act very much in love as far as I could see, and they both sincerely professed their undying love of Liv too. This group was full of sweet surprises for me.