All Comments on 'Happy Birthday! Ch. 03'

i hope you continue with this story we need to know what happens do the parents find out do they get rings for each other when they go off to college please keep us informed

in one scene he opens two beers and pours them into glasses she got out but then later in the same scene they are drinking out of tins not glasses KEEP BETTER TRACK OF WHAT YOU WRITE. THIS IS WHY READERS ARE ALWAYS SAYING USE A GOOD EDITOR BEFORE POSTING TIME FOR A PROPER REWRITE.

either finish or delete but don't leave it like this. half a story ( and this is less than half ) is worse than no story at all so either finish or delete NOW!!!!

A good series concept to this point, and the expressions of love are very nice, but, somehow, the story lacks much excitement. The sex is rather taken for granted - almost "ho-hum, hows about a little nookie, Jack - OK, Eve, my room or yours?" No real angst. No great desire. They have mild concern about being found out, but so what? Arrrgh!

ChasB: They're British, after all.

A Frenchman was arrested for having sex with a dead woman. In court, the judge asked, "How could you do such a dreadful, sick, thing?" The Frenchman replied,

"Your honor, I didn't know she was dead. I thought she was British."

First of all, I enjoyed your story. I have to agree with other commenters that it is unfinished. Is this story autobiographical? I ask because the two weaknesses I'm going to comment on are typical of beginners' autobiographical stories: YOU know the back-story, and you assume that the READER will know it too, and will be interested in a plain chronology: this happened, and then that happened, and then the next thing happened . . . .

One of the (several) reasons the story lacks oomph is that the dialogue is MOSTLY

"I love you, Eve," "I love you, Jack." Even newlyweds eventually get tired of this severely-limited conversational repertoire. It's sincere, but it's not riveting fiction. Scenes need to be "deep"--that is, full of characterization, conflict, suspense. In other words, something has to HAPPEN.

And character formation here is a little sketchy. We don't know much about the twins, their relationship and interests, so when Eve walks in on the morning of their birthday and wants to fuck it's rather too abrupt. I also thought it was a bit strange that Jack confided that he was not a virgin but Eve did not make a similar "confession." How or when had she lost her cherry, and did her brother know all about it already so she didn't need to explain?