Home Health Care

"Were you embarrassed by him asking you out on a date?" Zach was intrigued by the story now.

"Well yeah. No one had ever asked me out before." Daniel saw the surprise plainly in Zach's face. "I mean, I'd had a boyfriend before and I'd met other guys, but I hadn't really been on a date. I didn't know men dated. And he was a little older."

Daniel was clearly shy about admitting what he saw as his lack of experience, and Zach was touched that he had been trusted with this admission. "So where did he take you? You did say yes, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I said yes. I think I was too surprised to say no. And he insisted on picking me up too, at my apartment. He wouldn't let me meet him at the restaurant." Daniel looked up at Zach and saw the other man smirk. "What?"

Zach laughed out loud. "The man is a smooth operator, you know that?"

"What are you talking about?" Daniel quirked an eyebrow at Zach.

Zach adored that one arched eyebrow look and wondered how in the hell Daniel did that. "He picked you up at home so he would be sure to be able to take you home afterward. Then, if the date went well, it would be easier to be invited inside." Zach saw Daniel's cheeks flush scarlet and laughed gently and squeezed his fingers.

"God, I am so naïve," Daniel groaned.

And adorable, Zach thought. "Not really, I just recognize the ploy, is all. Go on, tell me more."

And Daniel did. It felt good to relieve himself to Zach, especially since he had never told anyone much at all about Brady. Since Brady's company emphasized being a 'family firm' his orientation was a secret at work. It hadn't been much of a problem for Brady since he had been used to being discreet and he also travelled a lot. His travel had allowed him to meet different men in different cities around the state and begin relationships that didn't interfere with his work.

After their first date, Daniel had invited Brady upstairs to his apartment and they shared a drink and continued talking. Talking progressed into kissing and kissing moved onto more. Daniel didn't really want to describe the detail to Zach, but somehow it was important to Daniel that Zach understand that Brady had never been dishonest and tried to manipulate Daniel into anything. Brady had never promised Daniel a long-term relationship, or even an exclusive one.

Zach cleared his throat at this point. He had felt his anger towards this-Brady rising even as Daniel tried to defend the man. "How long were you two together?" He did his best to keep his voice neutral.

Daniel looked up. "Almost two years. Brady was totally honest that he would probably see other people, and that I could do the same, I just never wanted to. I think at some point, he stopped seeing other guys too, but he never said. Then in January his Dad died and Brady decided to move back home and work with his brother in the family business. He came back to see me one more time after that."

"Is that when he broke things off?"

The emotions of that night still strong in his memory, Daniel could only nod in reply. "I emailed him later to ask if I should send him his things, but he said there was nothing he wanted to keep."

In a soft tone, Zach asked the question he had wanted to ask hours before. "What made you so mad tonight, when I came back with the groceries?"

"He left the picture of the two of us I had given him for Christmas. We had been at my friend Julie's house for a barbecue in the Fall, before she had her baby, and she took a great picture of us. I had it framed and gave it to him. When I saw it with his stuff, that he never took it him and he didn't want it, I sort of snapped. I threw it at the wall and then cut my hand when I went to clean it up."

"Why did it make you angry, Daniel?" This was the critical point, and Zach wanted to know the answer probably more than Daniel needed to say it.

Daniel closed his eyes and tilted his head back, "I didn't love him, Zach. I tried so damned hard to do everything right and I never quite loved him. When I saw that he had left that picture of us behind, it just really hit home that he never loved me either." Daniel raised his head and stared into Zach's eyes; anger and sadness flashed. "I know we cared for each other, but we didn't love each other. It wasn't enough, Zach. I never seem to get it right."

Zach twined his fingers as tightly as he could and squeezed. "I'm sorry, Daniel. I am so sorry."

"Thanks. I haven't told anyone about all of that, you know. Not even Julie."

"Well then, I'm honored." Zach meant it too, and that surprised him most of all. He had listened to the whole story, and while he wanted to punch Brady in the face, he felt even more grateful that Daniel would tell him about his sadness. "I know I said you'd clean up, but I think it's time you get to sleep. I'll clean up."

Daniel only nodded and struggled to get up and crutch his way to bed. Much later, when Zach was done in the kitchen and spent a long hour thinking over everything Daniel had said, Zach finally felt tired enough to go to sleep. After quick deliberation, Zach decided Daniel was asleep enough not to notice him slip into the opposite side of the bed. He knew it wasn't right, but somehow he couldn't help himself. By morning, their bodies met in the middle and they shared each other's warmth.

A couple of mornings later, and far earlier than he would have liked, Zach awoke to the sound of a woman's laughter and a crying baby. If he hadn't been confused about where he was before, he definitely was now. Zach groaned when he saw the clock: 7:15am and he pulled a pillow over his head to drown out the sound and block the light coming in from the window. Finally though, curiosity got the best of him and he stumbled out of the bedroom and made his way to the kitchen and the source of the early morning ruckus.

"Hey sleepy head," Daniel greeted Zach cheerfully. "I want you to meet Julie and Sam." Daniel flourished a hand toward the smiling blond woman and the tiny infant in her arms. "And Julie, this is Zach. He's here to help me out while I get used to being crippled."

Julie looked back and forth between the two men and grinned mildly. "I brought treats for breakfast. Those are actually what got me over here in the first place. Little Man here decided it would be fun to wake up at 6am and not go back to sleep. I thought since I was up, I would go visit Sel, and I got quite an earful." Her look towards Daniel became much more pointed.

"Hey, I called and told you I was in an accident. It's not my fault if Britt and Monica were being dramatic." Daniel defended himself.

"Actually, it looks like they were being totally honest," Julie said with another quick look at Zach. "And why didn't you tell me it was so serious? Joel and I could've helped."

"Right, with a three week old parasite, I mean baby. The last thing you need right now is another helpless man to take care of." Daniel stood tall on his crutches and dared to contradict this assertive woman.

"Parasite, ha!" Julie sniffed and then looked down to the suckling bundle she held closely. Zach had just noticed that Julie was nursing Sam, but she did it so discreetly, it was hard to tell. "Well, at least someone has had their breakfast. Now, hand over one of those scones before I get really cranky."

Good humor and love flowed between the two friends and Zach could sense that Daniel and Julie had a strong connection. "Hi, over here! I am a health care professional. I think we've been getting along all right."

And with that, the four of them settled in for a simple breakfast and conversation. Since Joel, Julie's husband was out of town for two days on a business trip, Daniel was pleased that she had invited herself and Sam over to visit, even if it meant being berated and teased in front of Zach.

Later, after his guests left, he explained a little of his relationship with Julie. By this time Zach had set up a mat on the floor of the living room and had helped Daniel to lie down on it. With all the crutching around and strain, Zach needed to stretch and massage Daniel's leg muscles before they began cramping painfully. Daniel lay on his back with his casted leg on Zach's shoulder while Zach pushed and kneaded the muscles to relieve the stress. Both men felt the physical closeness keenly and Daniel decided to take his mind off of the sensations of this beautiful man touching his body with strong sure strokes by talking.

"Joel and I were college roommates since our sophomore year. We'd lived on the same floor the first year and since we got along well, it had seemed like a good idea to live together. What I didn't know was that he had a huge crush on Julie, and he thought that being friends with me would help his chances with her. He was really worried that she and I were an item. If I had known that, I could have saved him a lot of grief."

"Oh," said Zach, now interested in Daniel's history. "He didn't know you're gay?"

"No, and that was weird," Daniel replied. "It just never occurred to me that he didn't know." Daniel noticed Zach's questioning look and went on to explain. He didn't know what it was about Zach, but Daniel found himself talking more about himself than probably with anyone else, ever. "I've never tried to hide who I am; it's just a part of me. Like when I was in high school, it didn't even occur to me that I should like girls. I never hid that, but I guess I didn't feel the need to do a big 'come out' either. Does that make sense?"

Zach rubbed his hand over his face, and tried to identify with what Daniel had said. Because Daniel was naturally reserved and a little bit private, Zach suspected if friends didn't ask, they might never know Daniel was gay. Of course it was possible that Joel wasn't very perceptive, too. A part of Zach envied the comfort Daniel had with his own sexuality, and said so. "I wish I were as at ease with myself as you are. You don't make a big deal out of being gay."

Daniel laughed loudly at Zach compliment. "Oh, it was a pretty big deal for a while when my Mom found out. I think my Step-Dad suspected, but since I'm not his biological kid, it wasn't a huge deal to him, if you know what I mean. But Mom was really upset because she knows how hard the world can be for gay folks. She didn't want me to be alone or get bashed and ostracized from society. She was also worried that I'd get sick since she thinks that gays guys mostly sleep around a lot. It took her a while to calm down and realize that I'm pretty normal, just gay."

"Well, you're normal for a tech-nerd," Zach retorted. "You're a geek, but not really strange. Your Mom wasn't totally off base though, you know. There are a lot of guys who sleep around and don't care at all about who they're with." With this thought in mind, Zach quieted down and considered his rarely-monogamous past. While he never considered himself a slut, exactly, he'd usually been willing to take his pleasure where he found it and just assumed his partners felt the same. He had always thought he would meet someone, someday and settle down. So it was ironic when his last boyfriend had cheated in him.

Daniel either hadn't noticed Zach's silence, or had chosen not to recognize it. "Yeah, I tried the casual lifestyle for a while, but it didn't work for me. I just ended up feeling empty and alone. Alone but able to look yourself in the mirror is much better, I found out."

With Zach's help, Daniel flipped over onto to his front and was glad he didn't have to look right at Zach: watching his hands move, the concentration on his face, the little line between his eyebrows when he was really focusing on something. Zach thought it was the strain of the injury that was stressful for Daniel, but Daniel was convinced it was the pressure of having to be around someone so beautiful and desirable and not be able to do anything about it.

The confusion was making Daniel feel a little bit crazy, almost like he was dizzy all the time. One minute they would be sitting together on the couch, fingers touching and the next, Zach would bound up and decide he needed to go for a run. And they slept in the same bed, though they hadn't kissed except that first night. If he were interested, Daniel reasoned, then how could Zach have absolutely no reaction when he helped Daniel in the bath. The last thing he and his damaged self-esteem needed right now, Daniel silently declared, was a man who didn't even find him attractive. Zach needed to figure out what he wanted, and who he wanted it with. And at least he had enough self respect than to throw himself at someone who didn't want him. With that final thought, Daniel let the physical sensations of the massage flow through him and do their job of relaxing him and put thoughts of Zach out of his mind, at least for the moment.

Being around Daniel every day was going to drive Zach officially insane. His hands roamed over the tight muscles and lightly hairy skin of his legs, and Zach felt the warmth of Daniel's body beneath his. Before he did something he was pretty sure at least one of them would regret, Zach helped Daniel to flip over onto to his stomach, but this position was even worse, if that was possible. Broad shoulders with their angel-wing blades accentuated Daniels slim frame and his narrow swimmers build was making it difficult for Zach to concentrate on his job. Deep tissue massage of the type Zach was attempting required a lot of pressure and contact with the client, and Zach had never before had such a difficult time keeping his mind on the job. Oh sure, he had client fantasies before, but never had it seemed as if his hands were going to touch Daniel as if they had a mind of their own. His hands wanted to caress, stroke and feel, not work out the knots of exercise and recovery. He wanted to explore the curves and planes of Daniel's body in ways that had nothing to do with professional medical healing.

It was possible that Daniel would accept his touches and that they would even sleep near each other, but Zach was woefully aware of his own miserable history with his lovers and didn't want to ruin his chances with Daniel. Maybe he could stay for a week or even a month, but Zach knew that Daniel was a forever-kind-of-man, not someone Zach could fuck and run out on. In the past, Zach had always been clear with his partners and felt absolved of at least some of his guilt for never sticking around. Why should this be so different? Probably because he was the one who didn't want to lose Daniel just to be able to sleep with him. Long-term was a frightening prospect for Zach, and 'permanent' made his head feel dizzy.

A couple more days and Zach could get back to his own space and try to get back to normal.

**

Daniel and Zach spent that whole week together, allowing each day to flow with its own rhythm. As Daniel grew stronger and more confident moving around on the modified crutches, he needed less and less assistance from Zach to accomplish regular daily tasks. By Friday, Daniel was able to get in and out of the tub without needing any help, for which he felt oddly disappointed, since he would no longer have the luxury of Zach washing his hair.

On Saturday, when Daniel was feeling adventurous and strong, they trekked to the Art Museum and wandered the galleries. The spaces were large and quiet, and they felt private even if they were anything but. Daniel especially enjoyed standing shoulder to shoulder with Zach, talking about some painting, having his voice soft and close to his ear. He could feel the heat of his breath and pressure of his arm. It was almost too much to tolerate. Daniel didn't know if he should move away from Zach in these minutes, and respect the boundary that Zach had declared, or lean into him, letting his ear touch his lips, maybe turn his head and kiss Zach.

Daniel felt especially edgy that night when they had returned and was a little snappy with Zach after dinner. With graciousness, Zach just blamed it on the long day and too much walking.

"The museum was great, Daniel, but I think maybe tomorrow, we should take it easy and do something less straining. I don't want you to have a setback." Zach was standing with a bottle of beer in his hand, leaning casually against the door frame as Daniel packed up the scrabble pieces.

"I'm fine," Daniel had to strain not to say these words through clenched teeth. "I'm mostly pissed about that last triple word score." Was everything about his injury and his health? Was he a man to Zach, beyond the cast and crutches? Reason told him the truth, but at that minute, Daniel just wanted to lash out with his frustration. "I'm only tired of this damned cast and tired feeling like a freaking invalid." He waited for some response, and when he got none, he rose as gracefully as he could, picked up the scrabble box, put it away and went to his bedroom, saying, "I think I'll read for a bit before I go to bed."

It had been a challenge aimed at Zach: come see what is wrong, ask me why I'm mad at you, show me you care. Daniel knew this was a childish way of dealing with his annoyance with Zach and in the end he was relieved when Zach hadn't come to the bedroom to delve into Daniel's neuroses. With a little time, Daniel sorted out his feelings, let them rest for now, turned out his light and fell asleep.

Later that night he was rewarded when he felt Zach slip into bed next to him and curl up behind his body. Some part of this had become a routine, for Zach couldn't sleep on the cruel couch and Daniel's house didn't have a guest bed. Sure, Zach could have slept on an air mattress, but somehow, after that first night this unspoken practice had seemed the best solution.

Since Zach was naturally a night-owl, he would stay up much later than Daniel, responding to emails, writing up patient notes and generally entertaining himself on the new laptop that Daniel had configured for him. By the time he climbed into the bed, Daniel would be long-since asleep and barely register his presence. But that night, Daniel had turned out the light only a short while before and had just drifted off to sleep. The side of the bed dipped as Zach climbed in and he moved closer to Daniel than he had before, given that he usually stayed far to one side of the bed. When he curled his body around Daniel's slender form, Daniel woke up enough to wiggle into shape of Zach's body and sigh before he drifted off for good.

Sunday morning Daniel woke to find a large white paper cup of coffee next to his side of the otherwise empty bed. Since Zach usually got up after him, this mean that Zach had already been up and outside this morning. This left Daniel feeling off-balance, a feeling that only increased when he hobbled into the living room and watched as Zach packed one of his PT gear bags.

"Whatcha doing?" Daniel asked, even though it was completely obvious. Zach was leaving. Here was another man he cared about, leaving him. Daniel straightened his posture because otherwise he felt he might just crumple into a ball and never get up.

Without stopping his careful packing, Zach answered, "Since we're going back to work tomorrow, and you don't need me anymore, I thought I would get going. I've been gone from my place almost a week and I have a lot of stuff to do. And you probably would like some peace and quiet."

Responses to this warred in Daniel's brain: 'don't forget your stupid soy milk in the fridge' battled with 'if you never left it would be too soon' for dominance. Instead, Daniel just stood and watched feeling a little thankful that at least this time he wouldn't be the one to pack up another man's crap.

"My stuff's all loaded. It's amazing how much gear I need to be a travelling PT." Zach stood in the kitchen later, facing Daniel as he sat at the counter drinking his coffee and picking at a scone. Neither man made much of an attempt to make eye contact. "Let me know when the ortho wants to consult about the next step, okay? When the casts come off, you'll need to do some rehab."