All Comments on 'Homecoming'

give either of two scores there-------Either a 1 or a 5----This story could have been a 5 but was not well enough done for that score.

What's the matter with 2, 3, and 4? Is he allergic to these numbers? Does he see nothing at all between crap and excellence? No degrees or graduation of merit? So the story isn't good enough for a 5, but why? Criticism which offers nothing constructive, and demonstrates a total lack of reason, is about as meaningless as saying that Tuesday is different from a Beethoven symphony. Four is different from five, but there's a reason for that, and no benefit to anyone in assuming four doesn't exist! I agree that the story doesn't merit a 5. The story is too short to establish the pace realistically. The events at the beginning - the 'conversion' of Danielle - unfold all too quickly. When Linda mentions 'There's something here for you', Danielle says 'What took you so long?'. They had, it is true, sat together chatting about each other's sexual activities for a long time. But the moment between the long talk and the idea becoming interpersonal with each other, was just a flicker, and suddenly we have Linda delivering oral sex. This sexual activity is too skimpily detailed to 'raise a stand' even though we are told that it lasts for hours and goes on for a week. Well, the sex in a story doesn't have to be detailed if the intention is not erotic or pornographic or sexy in some way, but if there is no detail in that aspect, it must be because it isn't important, isn't the point of the story, but just the peg on which the story is hung. So the story must be about something else - say, character development. None of the events have any effect on Linda's character. Danielle's character changes, but that part too lacks a continuum. We have Danielle a non-lesbian at the start of Linda's sojourn, becoming one on the first night, and by the end of the week declaring she wants to give up everything [though she says there's nothing] to go and live for ever in another city with her friend, presumably happily ever after.

Lesly, your story reads, to me, like a collection of notes which have the potential to be worked into a longer and deeper tale. I hope you give that a try, experience and experiment with plot-building, characterisation and story construction. It would be good practice to try it with something you have already 'completed', but not satisfactorily - so that it becomes a habit whenever you write.

Best wishes, Freddy in Brazil

Lovely story as I love the thought of two women making out. It could however been more sensual as I know for a fact having witnessed my wife with another woman how erotic and sensual two women together is.