Lisa Ch. 05b: Only Human cont

Half an hour later Josh and Scott had left and Jim and Jessica were in the barn getting the horses saddled. Jessica was humming to herself as she worked. This was more than Jim could take. He moved around his horse, around Chestnut and took Jessica's elbow.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, surprised first by Jim's sudden appearance, and then by his expression. "Are you okay?"

"No." Jim said and stood staring at her.

"Well, what's wrong?" Jessica asked when it was obvious he wasn't going to say any more.

"Why? Why wouldn't you tell me that you could play the guitar ... or the piano or drums ... but for Christ sake Jessica ... the guitar? How many times did I play my guitar for you? Surely you could have said something?!"

Jessica felt like the air had been knocked out of her. Jim looked so upset. Sounded so upset. And she knew her answer would only upset him more.

"Are you just going to pretend that you didn't hear my question?" Jim asked. His voice hushed. He'd hoped that perhaps it had all been some misunderstanding ... some easily explainable oversight ... some explanation he just couldn't fathom. But Jessica's reaction made it clear that it wasn't.

"No." Jessica said in an equally hushed voice. "If I told you that I thought that playing the guitar was your thing and I didn't want to steal your thunder, would you believe me?"

"No."

"Well. It is partially true. It was your thing."

"But?"

"But. I just didn't want you to know." There, she'd said it.

"Oh."

"That was a long time ago ... that I didn't want you to know." Jessica said moving into Jim's arms. She laid her head on his chest and wrapped her arms around him. "Really. It's not the same anymore."

"It was just the other night that I played for you Jessica. You could have told me then." He said bringing his arms around her, unable to refrain from pulling her to him.

"I know." Jessica said leaning back to look at him. "But by then I hadn't told you for so long that telling you would have been awkward. I don't know if that makes sense."

"Oddly," he said bringing his hands up to cup her face. "It does make sense. I'm not sure how I would have reacted. But now I'm prepped. So, is there anything else that may be awkward for you to tell me? Now that I'm kind of ready for it?"

"There probably is." Jessica said kissing the inside of his hand as it caressed her cheek. "But I can't really think of it right now."

"But when you do, you'll tell me?"

"Sure ..." Jessica said hesitantly.

Jim sighed. "That's not very convincing."

"Is it so bad if I have some things I just keep to myself?" Jessica asked. "I doubt you tell me everything about you ... everything ..." she repeated with emphasis when Jim was about to argue.

"Okay. I haven't told you everything. What do you want to know?"

"How many girlfriends have you had?" Jessica asked, leaning away from him so she could see his face. Jimmy's lips curled into a slight smile. Had he detected a hint of jealousy in her voice?

"One." Jim answered. "What?" he demanded when she narrowed her eyes at him.

"Okay. One serious girlfriend." Jessica said, " But how many girlfriends in total?"

"I'm not trying to pull something on you here Jessica. I'm no Scott. I've had one girlfriend ... other than you." He snuck in and watched for a reaction.

That had caught her off guard. She stared at him for a moment, blinked, and then smiled.

"You consider me your girlfriend?" she asked in a shy voice.

Without thought she reached up and started playing with the collar on his shirt.

"Much more than I considered my other girlfriend to be a girlfriend."

"What was her name?" Jessica asked still focused on the buttons that were buttoned and needed absolutely no fixing. Jim tilted her chin up, until she was looking him in the eye.

"I don't remember."

"Oh come one!" Jessica said with a laugh.

"Okay. Her name was Scarlet. She was my first and last real relationship, until now. And it in no way compares to how I feel about you. Not even close."

"So what happened?" She asked, a large smile on her face and pink coloring her cheeks.

"To her?" Jim asked.

Jessica nodded.

"Her family moved and she went with them. We weren't Romeo and Juliet, so it was fine."

"I guess she wasn't one of you?" Jessica asked.

She felt Jim tense.

"One of us?" he asked quietly.

"Yes, you know ... one of your clan?"

"She was ... one of us." Jim said.

Somehow this conversation felt wrong. When they'd first brought Jessica here they'd spoken about their clan and other clans a lot. Part of the barrage of verbal and mental abuse they'd used ... explanations as to why her family had had to die. Why she had to be their prisoner. And there it was ... one of the many reasons this conversation felt wrong. He was in a "relationship" with his prisoner, could that ever really count as a real relationship?

"But her family moved?" Jessica persisted.

Suddenly Jim wished this conversation was not happening. "She was part of another clan ... and they moved." Jim's voice was getting quieter and he was desperately thinking of a way to redirect Jessica.

"I'd heard about that I guess. My parents did say your clans could change permutations ... but for the most part you stayed together, right? Jim?" Jessica asked when Jim began to turn green.

"Your parents told you about us?" he whispered. It felt so wrong ... so wrong!

"Of course." Jessica said. "You were our mortal enemy. Do you really think my parents would leave us in the dark about you?"

Jim just stared at her.

"But they had a few things wrong ..." Jessica continued and Jim could tell that she was remembering something. She had a faraway look in her eye.

"They said the clan always stuck together. But you've separated from the clan, right? Riley and Angus go out with the rest of the clan. But we have nothing to do with them ... and they also said that you'd kill me as soon as you got the chance. I kept waiting ... but you never did."

She refocused. Jim wasn't sure what his face looked like, but it couldn't have been pretty because Jessica blanched.

"Jim? Are you okay?" She brought her hands to his cheeks.

"No. No I'm not. I need a break from this conversation ..."

"Okay." Jessica said and she seemed really confused, "But I thought you were going to tell me everything about yourself."

"What else do you want to know?" he asked.

"How many people have you killed?"

Jim felt like he was going to hyperventilate. He pushed Jessica away and pressing his palms against Chestnut he leaned on the horse ... head between his arms.

" Jimmy, what's wrong with you?" Jessica asked in alarm.

"What kinds of questions are you asking Jessica?" he demanded. "How can you ask these things so calmly ... like you're asking about the weather? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me!" Jessica replied. Jim whipped his head up to look at her. There was anger in her voice, but her face didn't reflect any hatred. "You asked me what I wanted to know. This is what I want to know. And I thought you wanted to know things about me. Well, I'm telling you. So, what's wrong with you?"

"I don't want you to know these things Jessica. I don't want you to know how many people I've killed. Can't I be the Jim that loves you, and never mind what I did before I met you?"

"Sure." Jessica said, but her voice sounded less than enthused. "We can do that." She was rubbing his back, comforting him. This was all wrong. Why was she ... the most innocent person Jim had ever known, going out of her way to spare his feelings ... comforting him because he didn't want to acknowledge the monster that he was.

"Thirty-five." He muttered.

"Pardon?" Jessica said leaning in closer to him.

"Thirty-five." He said more loudly ... pushing away from Chestnut and towering over Jessica, staring down at her.

"I've killed thirty-five people in my life."

"That's a lot." Jessica said.

Jim nodded. "That was all before you. Since you came here ... I haven't killed a single person. And, before you ask, I don't miss it."

"Jimmy ... I wouldn't ask ..."

"I regret every single life I've taken Jessica. But I can't change the past. If I had to do the same thing again, I would try to find another way."

"My parents believed in justice Jim." Jessica said, moving closer to him, craning her neck so she could look in his face. "They would try their hardest to bring people to court ... for trial and then prison. But if it didn't go that way ... if they ended-up dying in a gun fight or something ... they never beat themselves up about it. It was a war ... even as a kid I knew that. I just wish we could have been on the same side."

"What's going on?" Josh demanded. Jim and Jessica jumped. They turned to see Josh and Scott, staring at them.

"I asked Jessica to be honest with me." Jim said. "And she has been. Brutally. How come you guys are back so soon?"

"It doesn't take long to buy a keyboard and a drum set." Josh said, staring at Jessica and taking a step closer. "Just how was Jessica being brutally honest?" He had locked his eyes on Jessica's, and he moved closer still. She stood sandwiched between Josh and Jim.

"She asked about previous girlfriends ... told me how her family had told her all about us and that she'd expected us to kill her right off, and then she asked me how many people I've killed. Made me feel better about the blood on my hands by letting me know her family had some on their hands too." Jim reported in a low monotone voice. He wondered how to go about suggesting Jessica for sainthood.

"Jesus Christ!" Scott hissed from behind Josh.

"Like I said. Brutally honest. But I deserve it. I was pushing her to tell me her intimate thoughts, feelings ... here they are."

"Why does it matter how many people we've killed?" Josh asked.

"Because." Jessica answered, she reached for his hand and pulled him closer. "Because I haven't killed anyone. Ever. But I used to day dream about it. About being like my parents ... catching all of you ... putting you in prison. And I'd had my chance. There had been a gun in the car ... my Mom's. Right at my feet. I'd picked it up, and my brother had been yelling, 'shoot, shoot!' but I froze. I couldn't do it. And then, they were all dead." Jessica had closed her eyes, remembering the scene. And she stood now, in the silence, eyes closed.

Scott had pushed his way between Chestnut and the trio standing next to her, and he stood watching Jessica.

"And so you have regrets ..." he said quietly.

Jessica shook her head and opened her eyes, turning them to Scott. "No, actually I don't. I forgave myself for that a long time ago. And, I think my family forgave me too. Had I killed you ... even one of you ... I wouldn't know you now. I wouldn't get to be your girlfriend now. I have no regrets."

"Jessica, you are so far beyond being a girlfriend." Josh said. He felt an empty painful hole growing in his stomach. He could tell that Scott and Jim had it too, just by the pain etched into their expressions. Of all the things she'd said, the only thing he could seize on was the reference to being his girlfriend. Maybe the rest would just go away.

"I am?"

"Shit yes." Scott agreed.

"You're a part of me Jessica." Josh said, taking her arm in his hand and squeezing. "I'm pretty sure I can say the same for Jim and Scott. If I lost you ... it'd be like losing a piece of me."

Scott was nodding in agreement. Jessica looked over her shoulder at Jim and saw him doing the same. She suddenly realized that it was true for her also. She hadn't been apart from them in so long, she wasn't sure she could be.

"I guess you're more like a wife than a girlfriend." Scott said reflecting on the thought. He'd never considered having a wife. But right there, in that moment, it seemed right.

"I'm not sure about being a wife. I couldn't be your wife." Jessica said, shaking her head.

"Why not?" Scott demanded.

"Well. For one thing, polygamy is illegal."

Silence ensued.

"Jessica, " Jim said quietly, "we don't often conform to conventional rules. We have many polygamist marriages in the clans. And there are many countries in the world where polygamy is legal."

"Hmmm. I guess that's true." Jessica said. "But I'm sure that those marriages are still based on equality. Where the husband and the wife are equals, where the wife is free to make her own decisions and have them honored. My parents were like that. My Dad never told my Mom what to do. He valued her opinion and followed her advice. That's what being a wife means to me ... so, I can't possibly be your wife."

"Jessica ..." Scott said through gritted teeth. The urge to dominate her was flooding over him.

"Jessica," Josh interrupted as Scott choked on his words. "You need protection from yourself most of the time. It's hard to be equal when left to your own devices, you'd break your fucking neck!" And he couldn't help but wonder if it had been her mother's same inherited stubborn streak that had led to the demise of her family. But he caught himself before he said so.

"Guys!" Jessica said raising her hands as if in surrender. "I never said I didn't want to be your wife." She looked quickly at Scott who seemed to be getting himself under control, Josh whose grasp on her forearm kept tightening, and then over her shoulder at Jim who looked like he was being washed down a river without so much as a life jacket to hold on to. "I just said that I couldn't be a real wife until we were equals. Maybe marriage just isn't the right institution for our situation ... that's all."

"So, what in your humble, unequal opinion, would be the right institution for us?" Josh demanded.

"I don't know." She said with a smile and a shrug. She said it so cheerfully, lightly. "But it doesn't matter. Maybe we're making our own institution. We love each other, that's all that matters, right?"

"Whoa, whoa!" Scott said.

"Can you repeat that?" Jim asked, stepping forward and taking her other arm, "That love part?" All the clouds seemed to have evaporated from his face and he had a huge smile plastered on his face.

"Jessica ... don't go using the L word unless you mean it." Josh said.

"But, I do mean it." Jessica said, suddenly realizing that she really did. She really loved them. That would be difficult to ignore when she avenged her parents ... some time, somehow.

"You what?" Scott demanded. "Listen Jessica ... you'd better not be playing around with us. You know part of the reason we can't treat you as an equal is because you are always looking for some way to run away ... or kill us. And stooping to using the L word ... that's just lower than low."

"But I don't want to run away ... I definitely don't want to kill you, and I do love you." Jessica said.

"But," Jim said, "you won't marry us."

"No. Not with the way things are with us."

"You don't want to runaway ... " Josh said. "Since when?"

"It hasn't been long." Jessica admitted. "A few weeks."

"Ahuh. And what exactly changed your mind?" Scott asked.

Jessica shrugged. "You've been a lot nicer to me." She began and took Scott's hand. "I've been ... enjoying myself a lot more ..."

She looked at Josh and Jim. "And besides, my family is dead. Where would I be running to?"

"Sixty-five." Scott said into the silence that had ensued.

"What?" Jessica asked.

"Sixty-five. That's how many people I've killed."

"Sixty-one." Josh added, raising his hand.

"Do you still love us now? Still want to stay here with us?" Scott asked.

Jessica gulped. "But, you haven't ... you, don't kill any more, right?"

"That's right." Scott said moving up to her until his body was pressing hers against the side of the horse ... Josh and Jim still clutching her arms.

"We don't kill any more but that's just by luck. Riley and Angus get stuck going out there now ... we get to stay with you. But if we were still killing, would you love us then?"

"I don't know." Jessica replied, sadness creeping into her voice. "Can't they stop? Why do they have to do it?"

She was crying now.

"Shit ..." Josh and Jim swore simultaneously under their breath. Scott stepped back, giving her room.

"They do it because that's who we are ... what we are. Just like your parents were who they were." Jim said. "But it's a hard life Jess. Maybe they could be persuaded to stop ... some day."

Jessica was crying harder, wiping her eyes with her hands.

Josh and Scott both looked at Jim, not believing that he was actually trying to set Jessica up to get Angus and Riley out of the clan lifestyle.

Jim motioned at Jessica with his hands and mouthed "stop the crying!" to Scott.

Scott exhaled. He'd been relieved to see Jessica cry at first. It made it seem like what she was saying about loving them could actually be true. But now he felt guilty. He hated it when she cried. It seemed like ages since she'd cried last. He didn't miss it.

"Jess," he said reaching out and pulling her into his embrace. "I'm sorry I made you cry." Jessica wrapped her arms around Scott and held on tight, burying her head into his chest, as she continued to cry.

"You know ... " Jim began. "Maybe with the right motivation, Angus and Riley could be convinced to stop too."

Josh reached out and cuffed him.

Scott threw him a dirty look.

"What? What?" Jim asked ducking another blow from Josh.

"You can't put this on her!" Josh hissed.

"What?" Jessica asked, lifting her face from Scott's now soaked shirt and struggling to stop her tears.

"Here," Scott said pulling the hem of his shirt up for Jessica to wipe her eyes and nose.

"Don't do it ..." Josh warned Jim in a quiet voice.

"Angus and Riley. Maybe they'd stop killing if you loved them like you love us."

"Oh no ... " Jessica said. "They hate me Jimmy, there's no way they'd pass me the salt much less stop killing for me."

"They don't hate you ..." Josh said surprised that she'd see it that way.

"Oh yes they do. Angus looks for any reason to hurt me, and Riley just wants to control me. They certainly would not do anything for me."

"Are you nuts?" Scott asked. "Have you seen the way they look at you Jessica? They want you just as much as we do ... they just don't seem to know how to connect."

"I don't know what you think you're seeing Scott." Jessica said, "But trust me, it isn't love."

"I never said that they love you Jess. That'd come later ... what I did say is that they want you. They just don't know how to get you."

Jessica snickered at this and shook her head.

"In Angus' defense, he was hurt a while back by a woman. He's still not over that yet." Josh said.

"By Beth?" Jessica asked.

"Yeah," Jim said. "How'd you know that?"

"Angus dreams about her all the time ... he's always yelling her name."

"Well, that's part of the problem ... he's still hurt by her."

"Even so, I don't believe for a minute that they care about me in any way. They never want to do anything with me other than hurt me ... "

"Jess, you could so easily turn that around in the bedroom ..." Scott began, but Jessica shook her head and shivered.

"Never, ever, ever." She said before Scott could finish.

"Okay, okay," Jim said when Jessica looked like she'd cry again. "Never mind that then. Just do me a favor Jess, and try your best to like them. Try to really observe them ... see if they really do want to hurt you as much as you think they do. Riley has the dogs, Angus the car, try to help them with these things. They're going to be back in a few days Jess and things will be ... different. I really want them to be on the same page as us, but it won't happen overnight."

Jessica went from being sad to being terrified.

"I can't Jimmy ... I can't do it. They're too mean!"