Liv's Legacy: Anise

Chapter 5

No sooner than I woke up, I blushed in shame. Instead of feeling a quick worry and shame of being on a woman's breast, I wished instead that she hadn't had a top on so that I could feel of her naked breast. That wasn't good to realize, yet it was what I still wished no matter my shame.

"Good morning. Sleep okay?"

"Y—yes, thank you. I hope I didn't ruin your sleep," I did my best not just be polite, but to soothe my guilty mind over my first thoughts.

"No way. I slept like a baby, and like a baby, I think I need to hurry and pee-pee," she said, making a beeline for the toilet. "There, that's better. Now to sleep some more or make coffee. Let's see how you feel after you go."

There was that smile of hers. She was still Mary, my friend that I never had before, that I didn't know I needed until I met her. I did as she had done, came out, and washed my hands and face. As I walked back, I noticed she was staring at me.

"Hey, one can't help but notice beauty when one sees it, can one? I mean, don't they do that at art museums?" she posited without worry over being caught looking as she was. "Okay, so how about it: coffee or more sleep. Our last chance until next weekend."

That distracted me, not that I needed to be distracted. Mary looking at me didn't make me feel bad, or used, or anything else. It struck me that I was trusting her as I'd never been able to trust anyone, even my mother. Mary knew more about me than she did, and maybe more than I knew about myself.

"Coffee, I guess, though more bed time is very tempting. At least I'll get to enjoy you more before I have to go to my place. That I didn't say 'home' also came to me then.

"Yeah, me too, but it was nice having company while I slept, and nothing meant by that, just that it was welcomed."

While drinking our coffee in unusual silence, I was thinking, wondering. Some of my last thoughts about her were swirling around in my head.

"Whatcha thinking about?" she asked softly.

Though it embarrassed me somewhat, yet I felt good about it. Besides, I had held nothing back from her so far, and I saw no reason to now.

"A while after we were up, I had a thought about you, how I trusted you so much, and later I realized that I'd never trusted anyone before, not even my mother. Those thoughts were messing around in my mind, but not in a bad way. I do trust you, Mary, and I hope you don't mind. Normally I've always been seen as a shy, overly quiet girl, but you've brought me out somehow. That's all," I said, still feeling absolutely no discomfort in what I said, nor what I felt about her, though it made me wonder—a comfortable and pleasant wondering at that.

"Oh, wow! Hey, ah, I'm not sure what to say about that other than I'm glad you do trust me. To tell the truth, that's some of how I feel about you, just not that I've always been a quiet one. Hah! That would be some tall tale if I tried to say that," she grinned.

A funny thing about her grin: it wasn't just a grin as far as many grins go, it showed happiness in her. That, I thought, was an odd way of seeing her, or anyone. Maybe my mind was making up stuff like a silly little girl might. As that thought passed, I also noticed that I couldn't recall ever being a silly little girl. Maybe I was as a toddler, but if so, I couldn't remember it. Too much seriousness in my mind?

"Wherever you went to again, I guess you'll say if you want to, but in the meantime, anything you want to do today? Can't waste it, you know."

"No, we can't. Uh, do you think we can do some of that class stuff of Liv's?" I weakly suggested, my voice as if quietly begging though I knew she'd worry about whether I could take it or not.

"We can, if that's what you'd like to do, but it worries me, hon. From what you've told me, you've been raised pretty strictly. Not in a bad way at home, like being beaten and made to clean the house every day or anything like that, but in how you were raised like church-wise. Uh, sort of too solidly in your belief, that is. Oh, shit, girl, I hope you know what I mean," she said, showing just how flustered she felt.

I thought I knew what she meant: that I was sort of indoctrinated, maybe like brainwashed. That was understandable, and frankly, I had to admit, maybe it was the truth. Though I thought a lot about going to hell for all eternity, something in me had to know, had to try to understand what all I was feeling, and why—and was it true!

Worried though the thoughts she'd expressed made me, I said, "Yes, I have to know, to learn if there's anything I need to learn, to know. I can't live as I have been, though before all of this came up yesterday, being around you had made me forget my problems and worries. Will you help me, Mary? Please?"

She was nodding her head slowly as she looked at me and wondered. "When you say it like that, I know I have to take the chance that it may cost me your friendship. Yeah, I'll try to help you like that, and more if I can. You're special, girl, and I have to do what I can if you want me to."

"Thank you, Mary, and I do want you to try to help me, to teach me as much as you can about what you say Liv taught that helped others like me. And I promise you that I'll never stop being your friend. I've loved being with you every time, you've been so good and kind to me, and funny too," I couldn't help but smile as that last came out.

"Yeah, I guess I do have some good uses, huh?" her smile reciprocated mine. "Uh, let's eat something first, okay?" I nodded, feeling grateful that she'd agreed to help me.

After we fixed some breakfast and cleaned up after ourselves, we went to the sofa with another cup of coffee.

"Hon, some of this may shock the heck out of you, so be prepared. I say that because some of those who went to that first class that I missed that were church goers said they were stunned by it. And anytime you think you need to stop to think, or to look again at it, or ask questions, don't worry, we have all day, okay?"

"Okay," I said, my worrying already having started and setting some of my unpleasant feeling nerves on edge.

She had a bible—two of them, one the New Revised Standard Version, and the other a King James. I'd not seen many books at her home, and I certainly hadn't seen those, but there they were.

"You'll have to take my word on some stuff unless you want to try looking it up on the Internet, which you can do if you wish. Like I said, we have all day."

"But, Mary, don't you have anything you need to be doing?" I wondered, though late in my concern.

"Not really. I'm like you, I love your company, and this is just fine if it's what you want to be doing." Feeling mildly uncomfortable that I hadn't been considerate of her, nonetheless I nodded my head.

"Okay, here we go," she said, and indeed, here we went, and immediately, I knew she was right in saying I'd be shocked.

The only time we stopped was to make a quick sandwich, or seek something to drink, or make a bathroom run. We were the whole day and we only covered the first class.

My head was spinning out of control. Already so many contradictions, so many errors, and worst of all, no one had ever mentioned any of them.

"Liv said we never see any of this because of our belief that wants badly to believe, and the bible is so big, and kind of disjointed so it's hard to make sense of it on our own. That makes it easy for others to lead us, so to speak, in the way they want us to believe. We'll come across 'belief' later on."

I was feeling what she meant by not wanting to disbelieve. It wasn't possible that all of what she said was right, yet there it was, and the words of the bible were the ones accusing of the truth not being told—if any of it was true, that is. For the first time, I was wondering, and honestly, fearful of what was, or might be, and us not even know it. I mean, it came to me to wonder who I was, and why I was if not who and what I was told. That was one strange feeling, and I do mean strange.

There were so many things that struck me hard, had my mind jumping all over the place, wondering, questioning if it could be possible. It may not have seemed like much, but that plants were said to be set in place, but that there was no needed sunlight as we knew was necessary got to me. Maybe other things like no gravity to hold the earth in place should have impressed me more, and maybe it would later on. Then again, so many thought that the earth was the center of all that they didn't think of it.

'They' didn't think of it? It was supposed to be God that thought of this, and surely he knew that our earth wasn't the center of anything. I started to feel as if I'd drunk too much wine, but I hadn't drank any. Now I knew why Mary said others were shocked right from the start.

Liv's words on 'foundation' and 'Zeitgeist' were also making much more sense, especially the way she compared the foundation to a castle built on the beach that didn't hold water. Immediately then, I knew that what the bible said wasn't holding water, and Liv's comparison was making too much sense for my meager mind that couldn't seem to comprehend all of this. That, or I didn't want it to make sense. I had to wonder at that.

And the next big thing was Eve. Try as I might, I knew enough of DNA and read enough of Dolly the sheep being cloned, and there was no way I couldn't see how she had arrived at saying that Eve was a clone of Adam, though with some hocus-pocus thrown in to have her female instead of male. Yet what a male had in him was essentially what a woman has in her, or mostly so. Did they get it wrong?

And there it was again: 'They'! Was it really man that made up the bible? I had to call a pause to order my thoughts, or was it my beliefs? Whatever, I had to take time to reset myself, to let it all soak in if it could, or would.

"Lotsa stuff here, huh?" Mary said softly, very kindly.

It was as if she could sense the turmoil that was in me, and I was grateful, and no, I didn't think badly of her in any way, and I knew I wouldn't no matter what.

"Uh-huh! You were right, it's shocking. But why hasn't anyone thought of this, or said anything about it if they knew?" I questioned wildly.

"Yeah, Liv got into that later too, and when she does, you'll understand why, I think."

As we went on, I wondered greatly again at it being asked about why men were mentioned so much in what couldn't be done, and why women weren't. I'd never thought of that, but in fact, I hadn't read much if anything in Leviticus or Deuteronomy. It surprised me that Liv so often gave specific places in the bible to verify what she said. So far she was impressive, but I felt a bit of doubt creeping in, a 'Yeah-but-wait-till-later-and-see-what-happens' type of thought. I wasn't wanting to believe it no matter it all seemed true so far.

Lastly, how truthful she was as to where she found most of her material had me seeing her as I saw Mary, how truthful and open she was, how she never seemed to lie in any way, or about any thing. Then I thought about how amazing it was that she'd put all of this together as she did, and this was just from her first class.

"Mary, I guess we better stop. My mind is going like crazy. I'm wanting to doubt, and my mind keeps going to how there's nothing she's said that I can use to doubt her. Was it this way with you?"

"Nope. I'm not a church person, and never have been, but those who were church types all felt as you are now, Caryn in particular. Heck, even Penny, her partner, and Ariel and her partner, Sally, were left wondering about it all, but not in a doubting way as Caryn might have been, or as you are. If you still want to continue this another time, you'll see how amazing this woman was."

"And she was killed for teaching as she was?" I had to ask.

"That's right. Those of our group were at Liv's and Paula's house when a girl frantically came to tell Liv of her fears. She had been in Liv's classes, and maybe as you might have already thought, she couldn't quite get it all, and she went to her preacher, and asked for confirmation of it. Well, she didn't get it. What she got instead was to hear her preacher's vitriolic sermon on Liv not only being an abomination before God, but also that she was a cause of spreading lies as Satan wanted her to, and had to be stopped. It must have gone on long enough until that one guy thought to do 'God's work', and shot and killed Liv. She was rushed to the hospital, but she didn't last long."

"Goodness, it's all so hard to believe that it could happen, but something in me tells me it can, and maybe I know it, though I can't say why I feel that way."

Once more, it shocked me to be hearing about Liv being killed, but Mary said she was there when that girl from that particular church warned Liv about it. Suddenly I knew I had a lot to learn, that I was very ignorant about many things, so untouched by much of the way the world truly was.

After some dinner, I knew I had to return to my place though I didn't want to. Mary didn't make it any easier.

"You can spend the night here again if you think it'll help you. We hit you with a whale of a lot, and I hate to think you'll have a hard time sleeping when we have to go to work in the morning. You can make a run to your place and pull out an outfit for tomorrow, or you can wear some of my stuff. We're about the same size, I think," she seriously, and very temptingly offered.

Though I wanted to say yes, I didn't think I should. I'd already imposed on her like I couldn't believe, and Mary had been so nice about it all. Maybe too nice, but that was Mary as I knew her.

"I'll be okay, I think, but thanks. It's a great and very tempting offer, but I think I need to gather myself, and alone would be better this time."

"Okay, but think about maybe bringing some of your stuff here the next time—if you still want to continue, that is—and maybe we can have more time together and go over it more. I mean it, Anise. I'd never lie to a friend, and you're the best friend I've ever had."

The way she said it, the tenderness of her words and voice had me looking into her eyes for a long time, but why I couldn't say just then, only that I did, and it felt good to me.

"Thank you. I'm not sure I deserve a friend like you, but I'm grateful for it, for you."

"But will you think about what I suggested, and not worry about putting me out any?" she asked, a genuine small smile of acceptance on her face.

"Yes, and thank you for everything," I said, then went to her. The hug was held, but by me, I was so grateful to Mary for being so kind and patient, and for helping me. I knew in my heart and mind that she had helped me though I'd yet to figure it all out, but I knew I would.

Chapter 6

Though I couldn't sleep, at least not right away, it was what all Mary had gone over with me about what Liv taught that had my mind poking at me. A lot of my refusal to believe had miraculously gone away, and I was left with a wondering such as I'd never known before. Maybe it was that I was so amazed at what all I'd been told, taught, and how it fascinated me, held me like a friendly snakes eyes might.

* * * *

Waking up, I found myself feeling good, refreshed, and looking forward to my day. No, looking forward to seeing Mary, and having lunch with her, and talking some more, and maybe wishing we could just forget about work and go right on talking, and talking, and... Well, it was a good thought, and it brought a smile to my face.

"Hey, you look good. I mean, you're not dragging like I thought you might this morning," Mary greeted me with wide open and inquisitive eyes.

"Yeah, thanks to you, I had other things to worry about," I kidded her. In thanks, she slapped me lightly with her purse on my arm. I laughed, and it felt good to laugh though many others in our office looked at us askance, and doing their own wondering.

No, I hadn't opened up to any of them as yet, and I doubted that I would though they all seemed like nice, friendly people. It was odd, but that's how I was, and it didn't seem as if I'd change.

At lunch, Mary questioned me, or maybe it was interrogated me, but not in any bad way. I told her about my thoughts, and how they filled me without terrorizing me.

"That's good to hear."

"It was good to sleep without a crutch," I said, then wished I hadn't.

"Eh! My pillow wasn't that good, huh?" she kidded me, causing me to wipe some mental sweat off of my forehead over my faux pas. She never took exception to anything I said, or how I was. Was she a perfect friend? She seemed to be, and I liked that. Liked it a lot.

She reminded me to think about taking some of my clothes to her house, and to think of spending both Saturday as well as Sunday night with her so we could talk more, but I suspected there was more to it than that. Did I mind that there was probably more to her invitation than her words said? No way. She was the only person that I'd ever felt truly comfortable with, and the only one who helped me without asking for anything in return.

That was worth thinking about some more. Somewhere inside of me, I knew that she could have hit on me, maybe do so at a moment when I was needy. She'd had more than a moment like that when I cried on her. She'd held me, made me feel she was there for me, and gave me her warmth and comfort, yet never did anything like make an advance on me, sexually, that is. If she had, I most likely would have caved in gratefully. It would have been nice, and I would have loved it, but I was glad she hadn't for it told me much about her sense of integrity, something I was suspecting was sadly missing in so many others in whom we'd expect to see it.

Through Thursday, we were as usual, having only an opportunity to talk on our lunch breaks, but it wasn't much in the way of time. On Friday, I felt a disappointment when she didn't ask me over beginning that evening, but then I thought that she never had. When I thought about all of her friends that she'd mentioned, I figured she joined them for their usual meeting. As far as I could remember, they all met at a club. Nonetheless, I still felt bad I couldn't see her until Saturday. A petulant child, that's what I was being.

* * * *

"Had breakfast yet?" she asked after we exchanged hugs and kisses.

"Yes, thanks, I had something before I came over. Didn't think I should be sponging on you all the time."

"Oh, good grief, you know better than that. I'm glad to have you over, and if we eat together, the food goes down better. You know, company's good for the digestion," she said, giving me one of her sly smiles. "So, we haven't seen each other in a long time. What's up, or maybe better, what do you have in mind us doing first?"

Those smiles were becoming perpetual on her face.

"What do you need to do?" I parried.

"Your stuff, hon. I made sure not to have anything that needed to be done so we could do whatever you wanted or needed. After all, what are friends for, huh?"

I laughed. "All set for me, are you? It's a good thing you don't charge by the hour or I might be giving my paychecks up to you."

"Hmm, now that's a good idea. You're going to have me hating that we're friends now. Just think, I might get rich off of you."

"Yeah, you might. It's a good thing we didn't settle on your fee," I said.

"So, I missed the boat. The story of my life. Okay, let's have a cup of coffee, and sit and talk. I do have something serious to talk to you about."

"Oh?"

"Uh-huh! I told you I'd ask someone's opinion on something to see how it matched, or didn't match, with what I thought. I talked to Jabs—uh, that's what we call her cause her last name is Jablonski, and she does talk a lot at times, but she's smart as can be."

"And?" I pushed anxious to hear what this was all about, what Mary had wondered about and formed an opinion on.