Liv's Legacy: Anise

"It's a long story," I said sadly.

"Oh-oh, I think I opened up a couple of cans or worms, but in your case, I'm one heck of a listener if you'd like to talk about it, and nothing expected in return. I do want to stay friends with you, Anise. I want that more than anything right now, and since I met you."

I looked at her, and knew she spoke the truth—I was important to her as a person. It couldn't be helped, some tears escaped my eyes, but I wiped at them right away and stopped them.

"I'm sorry, but I realized that you mean what you say, and it touched me. Thank you."

"Whew! You had me worried again for a minute. Listen, it's true, what I said about listening to you. I'm a very good listener, and maybe I might even say something that might be helpful. I've been around some very smart people, and maybe some of it stuck with me."

Maybe it was what I needed, something that might help me. Goodness only knows that I could never talk to anyone at home or church about it, other than Joann, but she definitely didn't count. Just maybe I'd held it in too much.

"I think I might like that, but are you sure?" I prayed about it being the right thing to do.

"Sure I'm sure. And if it'll help, you can drink a glass of wine to help put you at ease, and I mean it when I say no shenanigans on my part. Nothing sexual, just us as friends."

That made me smile even if I didn't mean to. "That sounds like it might be good. Thanks."

"Now? I mean, are you okay to do so now? I don't want to push you," she was being so cautious.

"Yeah, now if you want to," I answered.

Chapter 4

Mary fixed us a sandwich and salad, then she brought me a small amount of wine. Not yet nineteen, I'd never had anything alcoholic. The wine was sweet, red, and tasted good, but a few sips and I knew I'd felt its relaxing effects. As we sat on her sofa, I began to wonder about what I would say, and how, but Mary didn't push me, and the wine was mellowing me out.

"I think I better start with the day I was born," I said with some laughter.

"That sounds like a good place to start," she agreed as our laughter subsided.

"Actually, in my case, it really is. No sooner had I been taken home, and my mother was able, I went to church with them, and seldom ever missed a service until lately, and I do mean lately. We'd go three times a week, twice on Sundays, and once on Wednesday evening. At special times, we'd go more often. My parents are very religious, and I was headed that way. My older sister? I'm not sure, nor am I sure about our younger brother, but my path was headed in that direction, but not because I truly wanted it.

"Maybe before I reached puberty, I was looking at girls, and never looking at, or wondering about boys. It wasn't long afterwards that I was looking at girls a bit too much, and my mind began to be bombarded with thoughts of going to hell. The reason for that is our church was big on hating homosexuality, and our preacher, Pastor Malloy often spoke out against it, and he wasn't shy in doing so. I guess you can see now why my mind suddenly became very conflicted. I was sure I was going to hell and burn forever. Worse, I still think that so much that I can feel it.

"Until recently, I cried myself to sleep at night, as well as shivered in fear of being punished for my feelings of lesbianism, and more, for what happened, what I may have caused, though I've thought of it lately and wondered at it."

From there, I related all that had happened to me, why I had myself baptized, and my meetings some years later with Mr. Alexander, Pastor Malloy, and Joann, Mr. Alexander's wife. It was so difficult for me, and I cried hard at times, and more, I felt the fears of hell at my doorstep, knowing that like anyone else, I could drop dead at any time, and I'd be seeing Satan smiling wickedly at me. And yes, I shivered wildly near the end as I spoke, but it all came out.

Till then, Mary had been silent most of the time, only saying small things to comfort me, That kept me going, helped me to finish saying as I knew somehow that I had to.

"Wow! You've really been through it, huh," she said when she knew I was finally done.

"I guess; I'm not sure since I don't know many people other than those from church."

From there, Mary only asked some general questions, but offered no opinions though she did have me talking more about it. Then I had to know what she thought.

"Thank you for listening, and you were right, somehow I do feel better having spoken of it, but Mary, what do you think? Do you have any opinions on any of what I've said?" I asked with true interest in what she might say about it.

"As you know, I'm not into religion, at least not the practice of it—of any of the religions, to tell the truth—but I have been to some classes on it, and not too long ago. A couple of friends of mine had religious problems fairly much like yours, but different in the specifics. Still, as I said, the main part was religious, and they were both pretty much like you. Each one had a heck of a time getting past it. The one couldn't even make love to the girl she loved because of what she'd been taught in church. Just like you, in a way, huh?"

"Yeah, sounds like it," I said, intrigued by what she said. "But you said she got past it?"

"You caught that, huh?" she grinned; I nearly grinned too, but I was way too interested in what she had to say about it. "She did get past it, and now is with her partner, and very much in love, and both of them knowing their love full well. Uh, I'm not divulging any state secrets. Caryn has often spoken of it, how she felt, and how she is now."

"She sounds interesting," I couldn't help saying, feeling as though I wished I knew her.

"The other one, Paula, is about the same in some ways, though I don't honestly know for a fact as much about her as I do about Caryn. Paula was Liv's partner. She said that Liv saved her life, kept her from committing suicide because of how she felt, and how it conflicted with her church's teachings. Both of these girls had churches much like yours. We're all friends, and we've talked a lot about it, but they're the ones who are like you, or were, that is."

To say that something was stirring inside of me, bringing a new kind of turmoil, is to put it mildly. I was nearly frantic to know these two, to know how they got past the feelings they had from church.

"Do you know, or did they say, how they overcame their feelings, their church teachings?" I asked. Mary could see how anxious I was to find out as much as I could about them.

"Uh-huh! I was going to tell you if you seemed interested, and I guess you are, so I will, but first, there's something else I have to ask of you. I did think of something else about some of which you spoke of, but I'd like your permission to talk to another person and see what her opinion is. I won't say anything about my opinion now or to anyone because of the possibility of it being seen as self-serving, and not just by you, but by me too. Some of these friends have taught me a few things," she smiled real big saying that. "Is it okay by you?"

"Yes, if you want to, and think it's wise, I don't mind."

"Though she doesn't know you, or know anything about you, I won't mention your name. Now on your question, about how they worked through their church problems, that one is easy, and yet not so easy. I mentioned Liv as being Paula's partner. Liv helped Paula because she'd studied the bible, and according to her, read much by others who have also studied the bible—researchers. Though it's not been said, I think that Liv most likely passed what she knew onto Paula, at least that's what we all think."

"That's interesting. Where is Liv?"

"Uh, that's the thing that makes this difficult to tell. Liv made up a class on the bible and Christianity for lesbians that had church problems, girls like you, Caryn, and Paula, but that questioned if the church was right. You know that many churches give us holy heck from their pulpits, and in public too, especially these days, don't you?" I nodded.

"Well, it's so bad that they passed that dumb Proposition 8 in California to annul our right to marry our partners. Anyway, many politicians, and quite a few rich people too, are still at it, and publicly, so it's a huge problem. What Liv taught in her classes is that the church doesn't have a leg to stand on, and she pretty much proved it using history, science, and about half of the time, if not more, the bible itself to prove what she said."

"Really?" I couldn't help saying, though it came out as a question. What she said stirred my mind tremendously.

"I can say yes to that though I missed the first class. Caryn or Ariel, another of our friends, heard about Liv and her classes, and Caryn and her partner, Penny, went to the first one. They made it sound so interesting that I went to the rest of the classes with them, as did Ariel and her partner, Sally. Liv was some gal; I don't think I've ever met anyone like her, and may never meet another like her either," she said in open admiration.

But she said that Liv 'was', not 'is', and I had to ask about that.

"You said Liv 'was', Mary..." I left it hanging.

"Yeah. One of the churches heard about Liv's classes, and began preaching about it and her being an abomination before god, and from what I understand, he more than just preached on it—he did it so much that it was called inciting. Anyway, one of those he incited thought he was called to do something about it, and he shot and killed Liv right after one of her classes."

I was stunned. "My God," I exclaimed, my hand going to my mouth. "That's so terrible," I added a minute later after my mind was back from recoiling.

"It was. Liv and Paula were talked into meeting with us all at the club we usually go to before it happened, of course. It's hard to resist Ariel and Caryn when they do their thing. They said another member of our group, Cate, said that they were like identical twins who looked nothing alike. They do often finish each other's sentences. They're real funny that way, and others too."

I was speechless. All at once I had more to think about than I could handle, or maybe remember, I wondered about all of it so much, and wanted to know all I could about everything Mary told me about. She saw that.

"Anise, I had to tell you about it so that you'd know that you're not alone, or the only one who's had your particular kind of problems, but there's a kind of possible danger there for me, and maybe for you. We've never talked about religion, or anything like it, and now I know that it's real strong in you, but there's two ways of it here."

"Huh? What do you mean, two ways?"

"Well, if it's so strong in you, and your belief is so great, you might reject everything I've said, and think that Liv may have brought it all on herself by being so against what is obviously the truth; that the bible is the word of god. The other way is that you might wonder now about whether or not what you've been taught is wrong. So far, I'd say that this last might be the case. If that's not so, maybe you'll be rethinking our friendship. I don't know, but I had to be honest with you, and I had to let you know that your problem isn't that rare, or maybe happens more than we know."

"Oh," I said dumbly, and thought about this too. Mary had never been anything if not honest with me in every way, and always honestly concerned about me.

Yes, Mary always seemed like such a real person, one with no guile that I could see. And what about church? Mary sat there quietly, patiently, while I thought. Was the church wrong? Had they fooled us? It didn't seem possible, but then I thought about Mr. Alexander, then about Pastor Malloy, and it felt as if my heart gave a quiver, that it wondered about it all. Neither of them seemed honest, or without guile now.

I couldn't think further about it. My mind shut down in every way save one: I had to know more about Paula, and about Ariel and Caryn too—and yes, about Liv. Liv was fascinating to me, but was I ready? Did I really want to know more? It didn't seem possible to even think of the bible being wrong. No, it wasn't possible. I had to stop thinking that it might be wrong. God might be offended by that, not to mention all that I had done wrong so far. Still, Mary was the most honest and caring person I'd ever met. I didn't want to lose her.

"I don't know what to say," I said almost inaudibly. "My mind shut down on me. Well, not quite. I sensed I want to know more about Liv, what she was like, who she was, and maybe what she taught and how, but you're right, my mind ran back to God, to all I've been taught, and I grew afraid of offending him. But then I thought about you, and how good and honest a friend you've always been, and...and Mary, I don't want anything to ruin our friendship. I don't. Honest, Mary," I cried.

I must have leaned toward her because when I knew what I was doing, I knew Mary was holding me as I cried, and she was still on her side of the sofa.

"I'll never be anything but honest with you, Anise. I love our friendship, and I want it more than anything. I mean it," she said softly, her hand in my hair combing it gently, tenderly. She felt so good, and I didn't want to leave off of being with her like I was.

It was late, and I knew it. It was more than time to leave.

"I better leave now," I said.

"Do you really think you should be alone now, Anise? You can stay here, you know, and I won't try to take advantage of you. I have an extra bedroom, and you can stay there. Really, I think you should consider staying. You're not in a real focused way with all of this hitting you."

Thinking about it, though I didn't want to stay, yet I did, and Mary was right, I wasn't all that focused.

"Are you sure? I mean, I don't want to put you out."

"Aw, come on, girl. You know better than that," she said lightly, a small smile to go along with her words. "You can even take a shower here, and borrow one of my sleep shirts, and I promise I won't be peeking. See, I've promised you everything now," she laughed.

She was funny, especially at times like this when I needed a little laughter in my life, some lightness to offset the burdens that were so heavy on me.

When I finished showering, and had one of her night shirts on—a pretty long one too—I presented myself to say good night.

"Hey, all done, huh?"

"Yeah, thanks. I'd ask to stay and sleep with you, but I don't want to tempt you in any way. Then again, I know I'm not all that desirable." I truly didn't think so no matter what Joann had said about me.

"Bull! You're hot, girl, and yeah, you'd tempt me—and since I'm being honest, you do tempt me—but you don't need that in your life just now, so it'd be okay by me. In fact, I'd welcome some company."

I looked at her, thinking, wondering for a minute. "You know, I think I believe you, but I better not."

"No pressure, but let me say this: if you have a rough night, and need to be held, please, I'm a friend, and I'd be offended if you didn't call on me. I've had some good practice in how to be a friend, you know," she said, a cutesy smile on her lips.

"Thanks. I promise I'll call on you if I do have a rough time of it."

"Good girl. Now say good night, then I'll take my shower and hit the sack."

By 'good night', I hoped she meant a hug and kiss as I knew we women did, but I hadn't yet with Mary. She moved enough for me to take that as me thinking right, and I moved too. The hug was longer than just good night, but then she'd held me for a long time already, so it was okay. Besides, I liked it. We simultaneously kissed cheeks before parting.

"Sleep well, hon, but if you need me, I'm here no matter the time."

"Thanks again, and if I don't interrupt, I hope you sleep well too."

Honestly, I didn't hold out hopes of sleeping well, but I didn't think I'd have a panic session as I sometimes had at night.

Fixing my pillow, and making myself comfortable, and finally, sensing the bed was comfortable, I closed my eyes. Though my mind had shut down earlier, it did a sudden about face, and there it was in all of its questioning splendor, but all of the questions were harsh, and facing them was almost as terrible as they had been before.

I tossed and turned, tried to keep my tears from coming, but it was no use. How could the church be wrong? When would God feel he'd had enough of me, and wipe me out and caste me into the fiery furnaces of hell? I'd done enough to be a blot on existence, evil and undeserving in his eyes. And I had helped Joann to merit his displeasure too. Though I wanted to see Joann again, I thought, I didn't want it to be in hell.

Then I thought about whether I really did want to see Joann? Somehow I was still wondering if there was something I wasn't seeing, then that maybe it was all a trap of some kind. She had put my hand under her dress. That's what really happened, but why? Was I someone that caught her eye and she couldn't get me out of her mind, and worked to make me think I'd done everything? There was cause to think that, I was sure, but she loved me so genuinely. Or did she? No matter, we'd both wind up in hell, and a goodly part of that would be my fault.

Then I thought of my mother, the rest of my family, and my heart seemed to squeeze in my breast at that thought. How could I have done this to her, to them. My tears came faster, then my thoughts became jumbled, one tumbling over another, and none of them a good thought. Before I could catch it, I cried out in anguish.

"Are you having a bad time, hon?" Mary was at my door instantly.

"I'm sorry, Mary. I didn't mean to wake you up."

"It's okay, I wasn't asleep yet. Want to come to my bed and talk more. It's roomier," she offered.

"Please?" I begged without any further thought.

"Come on, and if you need it, I'll be glad to hold you, and no funny business either. Promise, girl," she said, a soft smile on her lips that I saw from the light she'd turned on in her room.

"Do you have another pillow there?" I asked, feeling dumb in doing so.

"Sure I do."

I went to her, and she took my hand, and led me in again.

"Scoot over, girl, I usually sleep on this side." I did, and she slipped in. "Do you want to talk about anything, or try to sleep?"

"Try to sleep, I think. I hope I don't bother you more than I already have."

"Hon, you haven't bothered me none, so hush saying stuff like that. Friends, right?"

"Yeah, friends," I said with a smile. How could I not smile?

"Holler if you find you do need to talk, okay? Oh, make that a whisper instead. No need to holler, huh?" I knew she was grinning.

She was so easy to be with just as she was from the start. "Okay, whispers only now."

Though I felt good sleeping next to Mary, and no discomfort or any bad thoughts on it, my mind still wasn't ready to stop plaguing me, and try as I might, I still felt like tossing and turning, though I didn't. Still, Mary had to know I was still being hounded by thoughts I didn't like, much less want.

"Anise, I'm not meaning anything by it like you might think, but I'll be glad to hold you again if it will help," she did whisper, a little worry in her voice.

I was so agitated that I didn't even think to answer, just quickly rolled onto her, barely giving her time to open her arm to me.

"I'm so sorry. I am," I said, my tears rushing out again.

"No problem, hon. I'll hold you, and be with you so you know you're not alone."

She kissed my head quickly, spontaneously, it seemed, and oddly, that did give me comfort, as did her hand in my hair again. The warmth of her person felt good to me, reassuring. She was rapidly making me feel secure, safe, and without worry. And to my shame, though I felt no sorrow or real shame about it, her breast felt good to my cheek that lay on it. So good...