Mid-Life in Crisis: Amy's Story

"You make not loving you so hard." She breathed into my chest. "Do you know I about blew chunks when I saw his... thingy." She told my breasts.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." I reassured her as I felt a stab of pain in my chest.

"Why is life so messed up? I've tried so hard, but it doesn't seem to matter. I fall deeper and deeper in love with you. I know my father is going to have a fit, but I can't help it. I've prayed and prayed. I've tried to be your friend. I've tried ignoring the way you make me feel. I've tried everything, but nothing works. You're just there all day, every day, and not taking advantage. You've never tried to do anything even when you had me naked in the shower."

"Sweetie, as the rhyme goes... first comes love, and then comes marriage." I kissed her head and stroked her hair. "I'm not looking for sex. I'm looking for a person to share my life with. I fell for you the second I saw you. But, that doesn't mean that I'm going to push you where you might not want to go. How could I say I love you if I'm make you do something you don't want to do. My mom told me if you really love someone, you have to love them enough to let them go."

"Damn it! There you go again." She sighed deeply. "Those men wanted to force me into sex. They didn't care about me. They just wanted to get me to do things, sick things. You, who could make me, want to do things I've never thought of before, don't even try. All you do just love me and let me be me.... God, I love her, if you don't want me to, let me know now." She said getting angry.

I have to admit, her monologue had my heart racing. To have someone challenge God about loving you... yeah, it's a bit heady. All I could do was lay there and stroke her and let her make up her mind. I knew I could have rolled her over and made mad passionate love, but it would be her to take us across the line, not me.

"Do you believe in god?" She asked me tearfully.

"Yes, I guess. I've never really thought about it that much." I held her gaze as she looked up at me.

"Well that's something I guess. I've never doubted it until today." She sighed.

"Don't doubt it on my account. I love you the way you are. I wouldn't want to change a thing about you." I couldn't help it. I leaned in and kissed her ever so softly. What surprised me was the way she kissed me back. It was her tongue that went searching through my lips. One kiss led to many more, but I didn't do anything to move it pass that point.

"Even now you don't push. You've given me control of where this goes haven't you?" She sighed and laid her head on my breasts.

"Yes, it has to be your decision, not mine. We already know how I feel. To me that's what true love is really all about." I hugged her as tight as I dared.

"Who taught you that?" She asked scooting up to look me in the eye.

"My mom; Karney reinforced it when she came into our lives. I'd give anything to have their type of relationship. They were best friends long before they became lovers."

"Oh... um I thought she married another man. You never said...." She stammered and blushed deep red.

"No, I said she found someone else. Karney taught me that if you really love someone, you have to give them the freedom to make up their own mind. I've always known that I didn't like boys that way. Never even been curious, having brothers and all. It's not like I didn't see them as we grew up." I shrugged.

"Do they know?" It was hard for me to concentrate with her hands stroking my face.

"Yeah, it's been a given for years now. Ryan will get married as soon as he gets the nerve up to ask his long time girlfriend. Bryan, he thinks he's a player. His litmus test is if they can accept me and my moms'. If they can't, then they are history faster than you can blink. They even tease me about trying to steal their girls from time to time."

"You'd never do that would you?" She really didn't ask.

"Nope, I'd never be that desperate." I smiled. "We need to get some sleep. I'm sure this isn't over and there will be more in the morning." I started to move.

"You're not going anywhere. I need you tonight." She hugged me tight and pulled me back down to her pillows.

*****************************************

Yeah it would be great if I could describe the tender lovemaking we did that night, but I'd be lying through my teeth. She held me and fell asleep. I watched her face until my eyes couldn't stay open.

After breakfast, the powers that be, again asked if we wanted to go home. We looked at each other and said 'No'. They gave us until the next Monday for free time, along with helping them around the campus. One afternoon, they sent Elspeth on a chore and called me into the office.

"Yes Ma'am." I sat in the hot seat.

"Do you know your roommate thinks she's in love with you?" She asked without preamble.

"Yes, but nothing inappropriate is going on behind our door." I answered automatically.

"Do you know who her father is?" She asked looking down at some papers on her desk.

"Some preacher from wherever she comes from. She talks to them while I do my laundry. Why?" I wondered where this conversation was going.

"Yeah, I'd say that and more. He's one of the most conservative ministers in the religious right movement. Can I ask you a personal question? It won't leave this room." She leaned in and looked at me seriously.

"Sure, why not. I'm sure you're going to dig into my background anyway because of the incident." I shrugged nervously. Now I knew where this was going.

"Have you tried to seduce your roommate?" I know she was waiting for me to move my eyes.

"Nope!" Part of me wanted to say more, but I wasn't going to say anything that might get Elspeth into trouble.

She sighed. "Look, I've been doing this for a long time. I'm not going to ask what I already know. I'm not going to out you either. You haven't made an issue of it like some of the girls I've dealt with. I'm just worried about her. I want to make sure she doesn't do something she can never take back, because you saved her. I know you could use that. I'm not here to judge, but I am here to protect the people in my care. I know you both are adults, but I will still have to answer for everything that happens while you are here."

"I know that. Yes, I've given her support. Anyone who wouldn't isn't someone I'd want to know. Yes, she knows how I feel about her. What happens from there is up to her. Yes, I know in two weeks, after the last rotation, we might never see each other again. I didn't mean or want, for any of this to happen." I sighed, resigning myself to losing Elspeth.

"Are you sure you want to stay?" She changed the subject.

"I finish what I start." I said automatically.

"I wish I had more girls like you coming to these things." She sighed. "Yes, unfortunately, the lawyers will dig into your past. They've already found out your home situation. That's why I've been asked to talk to you."

"What do my mom and her partner have to do with this?" I asked getting pissed.

"One of the attorneys is claiming it was your unnatural attraction to Elspeth and that it is known you hate males, is what caused you to misconstrue what was happening in the room. They said she was there of her own free will, that everything was consensual."

"They had a complete innocent, trapped in a corner while one was trying to grab her boobs and the other already had his dick out. Elspeth didn't know what to do. I saw the fear on her face and reacted. They can kiss my ass if they think I'm going to let that slide. Shit, it isn't like the guys everywhere we've been posted, haven't ogled her as she bounced around like she does. I didn't do anything to any of them. I laughed at most of it because they were so pathetic about it. No woman should have to put up with what those two perverts were going to do. Me being gay doesn't have a damn thing to do with it. I don't care if she was my worst enemy; I still would've done the same thing to them." I was really pissed. "She's a virgin for God's sake, as am I!"

"Oh... that was a bit more than I needed to know." She breathed hesitantly.

"Sorry, but it's true all the same." I sat back frustrated. "Pathetic, maybe, but still true.

"No, not pathetic; rare these days, but it is never pathetic to have self control. Would you allow for a physical exam?" She asked quickly.

"I don't see the point, but why not. I have nothing to hide." I huffed back.

"No, you don't, but it will make things easier for Elspeth." She smiled at my reaction. "Yeah, I figured as much, you are just better at hiding it. You know it isn't going to be easy." She warned me seriously.

"Nothing worth a damn ever is." I said tiredly.

"Well, I'll tell the people who have to know, that we've talked." She ended the interview. "Please tell Elspeth that her father would like to talk to her. He's driving Miss Mable crazy because she has her cell phone off."

"Yes Ma'am." I replied as I left the office. I didn't have to tell her to call her father; she was already talking to him when I came into our room.

"I'm sorry father; I was busy with some work around here." She said into her cell and rolled her eyes at me. "Nothing happed to me thanks to Amy." She was rubbing her head in frustration.

I rolled my eyes and blew her a kiss. I started to go back out, but she stopped me and pointed to my bed. I lay down as she tried to placate her irate father.

"Yes, I've talked to the police. No, they didn't get a chance to touch me. No, I didn't do anything to entice them or lead them on. I was in my Sunday school skirt, trying to do my job. Yes they are pressing charges...." She climbed into bed with me and snuggled in. "Amy is my roommate. I've told you about her. Yes, she's a nice girl. No, she isn't one of them loose floozies. No. Father, can I talk to Mother?" She tried to beg off.

I could feel the tension as she lay next to me. I started rubbing her neck, trying to get her to relax. She looked up at me in thanks as I heard her father rant at her about morals and other stuff. I kissed the bridge of her nose playfully.

"I know Father, I know how to act. No, I don't want to come home. I have two more weeks here until I'm finished. I've come this far. I'll be fine. Can I please talk to Mother now?" She sighed and cuddled into my breasts.

"No fair..." I mouthed. She just stuck her tongue out at me and wiggled her head until she was comfortable.

"Mom, can you please calm father down? He is making a mountain out of a molehill. I feel safe here. I know I have friends who will protect me. Yes, it was God's will that Amy was there for me. No I can never thank her or God enough. I'm fine. I got a fright, but I will survive."

"A fright...?" I mouthed with a look of shock on my face. She turned and nipped my very erect nipple and went back to talking to her mother, as I gasped.

"Yes, some day I hope you can meet her too. She's the greatest. We're probably the only two virgins on this side of the continent. Yes, she is the one who helped me when Mrs. Summers passed. Baptist I think, but yes, she believes in God. She the best I'd could ever ask for." She ignored my beating heart in her ear and smiled at me.

"Brat...." I whispered as I reached around and cupped both of her large breasts in my hands and ran my fingers over her hard nipples that made mine look small in comparison. I smiled as she bit her lip from moaning into the phone.

"Yes Mother, I will. I'll call later, but I have to get back to work. I love you." She said that looking into my eyes, letting me know she was saying it to both of us.

"I love you too." I said as she flipped her phone closed.

"If you keep that up, we could get into trouble." She sighed and relaxed into me.

"You started it." I laughed and slid my hands down to her middle.

"And hopefully soon we'll be able to finish it." She hugged me tight. "What did they want?" She asked, as she flipped over and but her hands under her chin to look up at me.

"Talk about the thing... nothing important or for you to worry about." I told her as I ran my fingers through her hair.

"Yeah right, I love you, but I'm not stupid." She sighed.

"I never said you were. But, you don't need to worry about this. You have enough on your plate already. I can take care of this. As a matter of fact, it is for me to take care of." I ran a finger down her nose. "You just worry about how we are going to make this work, and if you really want it to work. I'll deal with the rest.

"Yeah, God never said it was going to be easy." She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around me again. "If isn't the issue. I love you and that has already been settled. If you're willing to wait, I think we can make a good life for ourselves. But if you can't I'll understand. Right now it is enough that you are here holding me."

"If you want me to wait, then I'll wait. If you want me to let you go, it'll hurt, but I'll do that for you too." Never did I expect to love like this. I'd always hoped, but never thought I'd find it.

"Okay, enough of this... it's getting too deep in here." She smiled sweetly. "I think you need some... tickle torture." She reached up and started on my ribs until I couldn't breathe.

During the last week, we had to talk to all the schools that sponsored the summer program. I learned that I'd rather shovel cow shit than sit in an office all day, going crazy. I don't know how my mother does it. About noon the walls start closing in on me. Elspeth took to it like a duck to water. She was a natural just like everything else she did.

The only other thing that changed was that we started sleeping together every night. Yes, we snuggled and cuddled, but other than a few fiery kisses and waking up with my hands full of her or her hugging me from behind as we spooned together, it didn't go any farther. I did have to stop taking showers with her after the second time she about fainted as I washed her. The temptation was too great. That didn't mean I didn't watch her every chance I got.

I decided on going to the school that had the best nursing program and would let me take a few extra credit classes in animal husbandry. I don't know what Elspeth decided and I refused to ask. I was of the opinion that if she wanted me to know, she'd tell me. Plus I didn't know how she was going to deal with her parents. If I could have, I would have went out and bought her a ring. I knew if she would have me, that I wanted her forever.

The last day sucked. I had to make sure the lawyers would have my address and contact information and let's face it, there is never a dry eye in the house, when a bunch of girls who have become friends have to part. The hardest was me having to say goodbye to Elspeth. I did the hardest thing I ever had to do. I kissed her goodbye in our room and ran. I knew if she asked, I'd followed her into the bowels of hell. So I didn't give her the chance to ask.

When I was on the bus, I texted her that I loved her and would keep in touch. I kept myself in check all the way home. I had a two week break before I had to start classes. My eye stayed dry until I saw Karney and mom waiting for me. I dropped my purse and folded into their arms and broke down.

***************************************

Elspeth's homecoming:

I couldn't be mad at Amy. I knew what she was doing. She was still trying to protect me from my own feelings. I also know if she asked, I would have followed her home and never looked back. She wouldn't let me do that. I know she was giving me time to figure out if she was what I really wanted.

God, I love that woman. I love her in a way I have never loved anyone ever before. But, I didn't know if that was what I was called by God to do. It went against everything my Father preached. I know I was supposed to find a man and increase the population of the church, be a good mother and faithful wife. To follow the dictates of my Pastor, which he thought would always be him.

I learned that maybe my father didn't know God's will as well as he thought. I learned that there are people who are just and good, but don't follow the dictates of the church as he saw them. I don't believe that God would punish them or me for being true to their own hearts. I said goodbye to all the friends I made over the summer and sent thank you cards out to all the places that I spent time at, save one.

I wished that I knew which flight Amy was taking but sat in my seat immobile until my flight was called. I was so close, yet so far from the one who filled my heart. I knew I was going to be spending a lot of time in the prayer closet. I had to know if Amy was where God was leading me, before I could discuss it with my parents.

When I got off the plane, I gave my mother a quick kiss on the cheek and nodded to my father. I knew I wouldn't get an emotional reaction from either. Father looked unfavorably on public displays of affection. He said that those actions are to be only done in the privacy of the home, and then only as it was fit to procreate or keep God's covenant.

"How have you been? You haven't besmirched my reputation have you?" My father asked seriously.

"No father, I have acted accordingly." God, what a pain in the ass. But he is my father and the bible tells us to respect our parents.

"Have they dealt with the miscreants who acted ungodly?" He still acted like I had done something wrong.

"Yes, it is in the hands of the proper authorities...." I said wanting to say more, but was interrupted

"Richard; that can wait until later. We need to get home before you have to go in for singles counseling. I have the women's group to organize." My mother scolded my father. "Elspeth can talk to me while you drive."

"Let's go then. Make sure they have the reception on a Thursday evening. It will allow for an early evening." He ordered and walked off expecting mother and I to follow him in obedient silence. Lord help me. I knew my older brother was the same way and my younger one was too selfish to care. I wondered what Amy was doing as I walked to the van.

Once I got home, I headed for the shower, taking my time to clean myself and remember the feelings I had when Amy would wash me with her soft hands. The only indication from my father was a slight satisfied smile as he watched me head downstairs to where the prayer closet was. I don't really know why he felt you had to go pray in a damp, dark, basement and I didn't care. I needed the prayer time.

I knew my parents loved me, but I never felt accepted like had had been with Amy. I'm not trying to make you think they were cold hearted people, just set in their ways. I hoped it was out of their love that they scheduled the homecoming event, even though I knew it had an alternative purpose as well.

I stood there smiling as I was reintroduced to every acceptable, eligible, male in the congregation. I felt like a puppet on display. My father of course spent most of the evening in deep discussions with the fathers' while mother did the same with the mothers'. I wanted to run.

I spent the majority of my time filling out my school paperwork and studying exactly what the bible really said about women loving other women. If I was going to confront my father, I wanted to have the facts that he might listen to. I finally realized that I had already made my decision when I woke up from a nightmare and instantly looked for Amy to be there to sooth me.

I will not repeat the argument that I had with my mother. But, my father was going overboard with his condemnation.

"Where have we gone wrong? Do you know you will burn in Hell for this? Do you know what this will do to my ministry? Why are you doing this to me, you ungrateful child?" He ranted.

"I'm not doing anything to you father. It isn't like I can continue the family's name anyway. My brothers will do that. It isn't like the world isn't already over populated. I have not sinned. I have fallen in love with Amy and I am being honest with you about it."