by Dasarp
Thank you new author. You have a good idea here and can build a scene well. I think English may not be your first language? Try to find some one to read your stories who can help you adjust sentence structure and what form of a word to use. Writing gets stronger with practice, so keep working at it.
... but it needs MUCH more attention to presentation. It appears you have just dashed this off and submitted it without re-writing it - or even re-reading it, which is a shame; you have talent. Don't let yourself down with such a sloppy approach to preparing your MS for publication; I know Literotica is an amateur site, but there is a vast difference between amateur and amateurish.
Three stars, keep writing and take more time to get things the very best you can manage - engaging the services of an assistant author might be a good idea.
The writing is so poorly done I gave up. Really.