Reality or Perception

I spent two days and two nights at the Palms Motel. I never left the room except to go to the vending machines. I drank sodas, fruit juices and what tasted like bottled piss. I ate some months old chips, some crackers and cookies and maybe some cardboard. I couldn't taste anything anyway so it made no difference. I ate when I got hungry and I drank when I was thirsty. Anything more was too much to deal with. I didn't turn on the TV and I didn't even shower. I just existed. That was all I was capable of.

On the third day, I began to notice things around me. I was in a cut rate motel decorated with a brown carpet, brown bedspread and brown walls. I noticed the furniture, Wal-mart specials with no style or class. Just functional. I saw the bed hadn't been turned down which meant that I had simply slept on top of the covers. I was surprised at myself. I had lost complete control and that was completely unlike me. I had to pull myself together. I had to begin to think again. I tried to remember my training in psychology, my military training, but neither seemed to offer me anything useful.

I remembered what set me off. I had come home to find my wife with another man: a situation that we had previously had words over and she had promised not to repeat. But she did. He was there; she had lied to me about where she was. I told her there would be no reason to discuss it since there was no excuse for it happening again. It did. I had no reason to speak to her and no reason to listen to her explanations. I had to decide what to do next.

I knew that I wasn't going to go back home. I had no desire to see Sherrie again. She knew why I left Karen and she promised it would never happen again. But she lied. She had done it. But, what about Mickey? She was home and she would be worried about me. How could I contact her without contacting Sherrie? Suddenly I knew! I pulled out my wallet and dug in. I found Karen's business card. I could call Karen and have her contact Mickey. Karen was not likely to talk to Sherrie anyway. Karen owed me. She had screwed me over in the past and I had never given a shit before but now I needed her and she owed me.

I called the number indicated as her contact number. It rang twice before she picked it up. It was her. I could still tell her voice after all these years. I was surprised at the pain her voice caused. Funny, I hadn't noticed it at graduation but then my world hadn't collapsed into a heap of shit. But it was her and I needed her help.

"Karen, it's me. Stuart. Can you talk?"

"Stu? What's the trouble? You sound funny. What's happened? Is it Michelle? Oh, God, is something wrong?"

"No. No. Mickey is fine. It's me that is in trouble. I need help and I didn't know who else to call. Can I see you and talk to you? I really need your help."

"My God Stuart. Of course. Where are you?"

I told her my location after finding it on the room door. She told me to stay there and she would drive over to meet me. She knew the way and she would meet me in the Denny's across the street. I hadn't even noticed one since I had checked in but I had no doubt it was there. I hung up, washed my face and got a change of clothes from my luggage, and walked over to the Denny's. Sure enough it was there. I ordered coffee and waited.

Within 15 minutes she walked in. She was dressed casually in jeans and a colorful top. I watched her, remembering how beautiful she was. She could always turn heads and she did so now. I think the eyes of every man there followed her as she walked to my booth and slid in across from me.

"OK, Stu. I'm here. What's the trouble?"

"Karen, why did you cheat on me?"

I had no idea why I asked her that. It had nothing to do with my situation and everything to do with it. She was the reason I was in such a state. This had happened to me twice and I didn't know why, either time. She was the first and the first woman I had ever loved enough to be devastated. She had broken my heart and I never got completely over it.

"Why would you ask me that now? My God, Stu. What's wrong? What's happened to make you this way?"

"Please answer me. It's important. I have to know right now."

Karen looked at me and must have finally decided that I was in a crisis so she decided to go along.

"I loved you very much Stuart. When we got married, I was in seventh heaven. I had the man of my dreams and I was happier than I had ever been. Then you asked me to have a child. That scared me to death. You and I had always been active and free and ready to go places and do things. Our sex life was wonderful and you always made me feel great. I wanted nothing more and no one else. Then you changed it all. You wanted a baby."

She stopped to collect her thoughts. She signaled the waitress for a cup of coffee and waited till she had it before beginning again.

"We had Michelle. Our sex life decreased in the months before she was born and for the first few months after she was born. I expected things to get back to normal then. But I found you to be more interested in Mickey than in me. I wanted you back the way you were before she was born but you had changed. You didn't want me anymore. We made love once in a while but you were usually either too tired or not interested. I wasn't a sex addict or anything but I did miss the closeness and the cuddling we had before."

Karen stopped and looked at me before going on.

"Are you sure you want to hear this? It isn't pretty. I have tried to forget it and I think you should just let it go."

"No. It is important for me to understand what happened. I may tell you why later but for now, please continue."

"I went back to work and met Angelo. He came to the office several times and always made it a point to stop and talk to me. He flattered me and even brought me flowers a couple of times. He was a hood, but he was good looking and smooth as butter. I knew what he was doing but it was just fun. Nothing serious until one day my boss asked me to drop some papers off at his place on my way home."

Karen stopped to take a drink of her coffee. She grimaced and called the waitress for some iced tea. She waited until it came before continuing. I began to understand that this was making her very uncomfortable, even after all these years. I found myself beginning to tense up. It was like it was happening again, all over. I still had to do this.

"Angelo asked me in when I handed him the papers, saying that he would look them over and see if he needed to respond. I went in and wandered the apartment while he looked them over. I was standing in front of this floor to ceiling window when he moved behind me and put his arms around me. He kissed me."

She stopped, shaking. I let her calm down without saying anything.

"We ended up in his bed and we made love. It was very good. Angelo was a skilled lover and I had no chance against him. But then, I didn't resist either. We continued to see each other for the next several months until one night when I stayed with him while you traveled, he brought another into our bed. When I resisted, he took me aside and told me that if I refused, he would send some very clear tapes to my boss and to you. I gave in."

"Do you want me to go on? It gets worse."

"Yes."

"I had sex with Angelo and several other men at different times. The day you came back early and saw me with that man was the first and only time I had any man in our home, but this guy was doing this on his own. He told me that Angelo had OK'd it but I found out later that it wasn't true. You found me and I thought that you had accepted my story. I told Angelo but he didn't care. I continued my affair with him and you know the rest."

Karen stopped, tears unshed making her eyes glisten. She sat back, wiped her face with the napkin and stared out the window. She seemed not to want to meet my eyes. I was numb with emotion. I had to know and now I did. Was it what I had wanted to hear? Yes and no. I knew that I was partly at fault and it only confirmed what I already suspected. It didn't make it better since I still didn't know how I could have known.

"Why didn't you come to me and talk to me and tell me what you were about to do if things didn't change? Why did you destroy our marriage without giving me a chance?"

"That's the same question I have asked myself for the last 15 years. I never stopped loving you. I still loved you even when I was doing those things. I just couldn't stop and I couldn't tell you anything once I did it. I felt trapped. Trapped and stupid and dirty and nothing made any difference. I kept on doing it. Fear of discovery had little to do with it."

She was getting worked up now and it must have been trapped inside her for all these years. It was as if it was important to get it out now that she had the chance.

"I haven't been with a man since the day our divorce was final. I had an STD that was diagnosed during our court battles and I was treated for it but the fact that I had it made me stop sex for a time. I had also begun to use pain killers and I was addicted. Once the STD was clear, I never wanted to do it again. I have been celibate now for 15 years. How about that? Isn't that a laugh? Sex ruined my life and now I don't care about it anymore."

She looked at me for a minute before saying, "Unless you asked me."

I just smiled at her but didn't respond. We sat there for another few minutes, both of us trying to return to normal. I still had my problem and I now felt secure enough with Karen to tell her and ask her to help me.

"The reason I had to know was to see if I could have known what was happening or about to happen. I know I never suspected you until I came home that night. Was I stupid, or blind or what? What did I miss?"

"Nothing. I gave you no reason to suspect me and I never bothered to let you know that there was a problem. You couldn't have known or suspected until after it was too late. I didn't know myself until it happened. Why ask now Stuart? What's happened?"

"Sherrie is cheating on me. I came home about two months ago and found Sherrie with a man in my house at midnight. Sherrie didn't know whether I was coming home and I didn't know what she was planning, but we talked after I asked him to leave and she assured me that nothing was going on. We talked and she told me it would never happen again. I came home from a cancelled trip three nights ago and found the same car in our driveway after she told me on the phone that she was with her friend Marilyn. I watched the lights go out and I lost it. I left and haven't been back or talked to anyone since. You were the first person I thought about. I guess the situation was so similar that I immediately thought of you."

Karen listened and I could tell that she was as shocked as I was when I told her I saw Brian's car in my drive. She said nothing for a moment as she considered.

"I could call Mickey for you. I could ask her what was going on and why Sherrie would do that to you. She's a very sharp girl. Want me to do that? She would have to know what you saw and what happened before."

I thought about it and decided that it would be best anyway if Mickey knew I was OK. I agreed but told Karen not to mention where I was. She agreed.

She called from the restaurant with her cell and talked to Mickey for several minutes. She seemed to come to some sort of agreement and disconnected. She walked back to the booth and sat down.

"Mickey is on her way here. She doesn't know you're here so you can do as you want. I think you should listen to her though, since she seems to be concerned enough to come right away. All she said was 'shit!' and then 'she doesn't know'. Then she said she would be here in 20 minutes."

I decided to wait and if Mickey was alone, I would talk to her. She knew about Karen and why we divorced so all I had to do was tell her that the situation was similar. She would understand.

As we waited, Karen was watching me carefully. She seemed like she wanted to say something but was undecided. She finally made a decision.

"Stuart. I want to tell you something. Maybe I shouldn't but you did come to me. You've heard the old saying, 'It's only sex.'? Well I have a news flash for you. It's true. I know for a fact. I remember everything about our marriage more than 15 years ago and I can still remember each time we made love. I haven't forgotten any of our life together. I remember it all the time; when I talk to Mickey, when I see another couple together in a restaurant, and other times when I am home alone, by myself. I remember Stu. But, and this is the clincher, I don't remember a single time with anyone else. Not one. Not ever. How does that grab you?"

She stopped for a minute, a tear trying to find its way down her face. This was obviously hard for her.

"If you love Sherrie, and even if she made a mistake, you have to try to forgive her. She never stopped loving you even if she did wrong. Give her a chance to try to explain, like I should have when I had the chance. She won't remember the sex, if she did cheat. She is only thinking about what she is losing right now. I know. I've been there."

I was shaking my head back and forth. I couldn't accept this, even now. I could know that she told the truth, but it made no difference. That's what she couldn't understand. The hurt, the pain, the loss of trust and the ultimate betrayal. That was the other side of the coin of betrayal.

"If she cheated, we're through. There is no forgiveness in me. Maybe it's your fault. You tore the heart right out of me and it has taken this long for me to get over it. I probably never will. I have tried to forget you but I never could. I moved on, but you were always there, telling me to be careful, watch out. She'll do it to you again."

Karen was now crying openly. She understood how she had hurt me. She had all those years alone just to remember but she never had the knowledge of my pain. She finally got up and walked into the restroom. She came out a few minutes later, more composed. As we sat there, we saw a car pull in and stop. I got up and moved to the booth behind Karen, hidden from the person walking toward her. We had agreed that Karen would talk to her first and find out what she could while I listened. This way, Mickey would be more likely to be honest.

Mickey came in, looked around and saw Karen. She moved quickly to the booth and slid in across from Karen. She was directly behind me now. I could hear anything she said.

"Mom! Where's Dad? Is he here? Did he tell you what was wrong? Jesus, Sherrie is going crazy. What's going on?"

"Mickey, I have to ask you something. Is Sherrie cheating on your father? Did she do something stupid last Wednesday night when Stuart was supposed to be in Denver?"

I heard a gasp from Mickey before she answered.

"Of course not. Where did you get that idea? Sherrie has never cheated on dad. I don't think so at least but I know for sure she didn't do anything like that Wednesday night. She was with Marilyn at a party for me and Marilyn's daughter. There were a lot of people there and it went on most of the night. Sherrie stayed at Marilyn's that night."

"Then where did you father get the idea that she was at your house with a guy named Brian Market? He came home that night and saw his car in your driveway. He watched and saw the lights in the house go out. He watched but no one came out."

"Oh, my god! No! He didn't see that!"

"Yes, he did. He saw Brian's car there and he knows that Brian was with your mother. Apparently it had happened once before when he was traveling. He saw!"

"No, he didn't see what he thought. It wasn't Sherrie there at the house. It was me! I was with Brian. We snuck away from the party for a while and went to the house. I knew dad was gone and Sherrie was with Marilyn. I had met Brian a while ago and thought he was hot. We were just making out at the house. I wasn't going to let him go all the way. It was just a make out session. Sherrie wasn't there. I was! Oh, shit! He thought it was Sherrie? Oh, what have I done?"

Karen began to laugh and sputter. She tried to control it but couldn't. She finally let it go and had a full laugh. People looked in their direction with smiles but soon turned back to their own private worlds. Everyone could enjoy a good laugh.

Mickey was surprised at first and then started to become angry. This wasn't funny. Her father had run away from them and it was all her fault. She was the one that caused this. How could her mother think it was funny?

"Mom! It's not funny! Dad's gone and Sherrie is a wreck. How can you laugh? Are you so anxious to get dad back that you think this is a wonderful thing? How cruel can you be!"

Karen stopped laughing but still chuckled a little. She wiped her eyes and just pointed over Mickey's shoulder. She watched as Mickey turned around to see me standing there behind her.

Mickey ran into my arms and I folded them around her. We stood that way long enough for Mickey to calm down. All the while, I smiled my thanks to Karen. She smiled back.

Karen watched the reunion with mixed feelings. Yes, she would have given anything to have Stuart back but she knew that was never going to happen. Her time was over. But, the feeling that they could finally be friends was all she had hoped for over the last many years. They shared a daughter and maybe now he would let her share the pleasure of watching her live her life. Maybe grandkids? She could hope.

"Let's go home and see Sherrie. I have a lot to apologize for. And we need to talk about your behavior young lady. Now, go and I'll see you at home."

Mickey hugged her mother and walked away toward the car. I took Karen into my arms and kissed her hair. I still felt the love I had always had for her but now, it was more as a trusted friend. We had shared so much and we could share so much more now. When she told me about her betrayal, I had found it inside myself to forgive her and I could go on without the pain and anger of her betrayal dogging my every move. We were OK now. I would take that home to Sherrie and things would be OK. I felt changed somehow and knew that the change was for the better.

"Karen, thank you. Thank you for everything. You have given me more than you know. I hope you will understand more in the future. We share a daughter and I look forward to watching what we created, together."

Karen smiled, feeling hopeful and happy for the first time in so many years. She was free of guilt and sorrow and he had forgiven her. She wanted nothing more but to watch their daughter grow into the woman she would become.

"Go home Stuart. Be with your family. And thank you. I will always love you."

"And I have always loved you."

Stuart turned and walked out of the restaurant. Going home to be with his family.