Secret No Longer Ch. 18

"Yes. Go on." For the first time I really sensed how irresponsible I had been. Granted, Sammy as well, though I didn't care to worry about his part in the matter right then.

"The next phase came a little later. It was about me at first, Jason and me. He's had that May/December crush on me since he was a teenager. Well, now he was a fine adult, well-developed and mature, and free to make his own choices. Now, for the first time, what I had automatically assumed would remain his fantasy forever suddenly seemed possible. Sammy would be OK with it; Linda had a few of those once-a-mother-always-a-mother misgivings, but got past them and saw it would be a great pleasure between two consenting adults, and we didn't think you'd have a big problem with it either."

"Sure, I guess so. You and he are perfectly free to make your own choices, and if nobody's hurt, why not? But it's a hell of a long way from my son and the attractive lady next door and my son and his..."

"Please, Fred, I understand," she admonished gently, "We're on the same page here." I calmed down and she resumed.

"Normally you'd think that if Jason and I were to consummate our mutual attraction it would be somewhere alone, private. But you know me well enough to know that I can be very impulsive. That's how it was one day. It was warm, one of those sweet days where even the wind is sensuous. Linda and I were in one of those moods, if you know what I mean, helped along somewhat by both you and Sammy being away for a good long time by then, and making with some pretty bawdy conversation."

"I know what you mean; I've heard you two a couple of times before," I replied, amused.

"That's when Jason showed up, asking what we'd been talking about. It was a time for a little teasing, nothing unkind, but then that first wild impulse struck me. I got up, turned on the lawn sprinkler and started dancing in the water. It felt sexy, sensuous, and I knew that when my clothes were saturated they would be turning transp..." she caught herself and, embarrassed, subdued the wording a little. "I felt I'd be more...interesting...to look at then."

But Jannie had caught herself too late. Her vivid recollection of the day had already united with her passionate nature to to ignite a severe distraction to her role as narrator and historian, while at the same time the picture of her dancing exultant in the spray, Linda and Jason both conveniently out of frame, combined with her crisp description of the sensuous atmosphere of that moment to tantalize and quickly inflame me as well. My mental gaze centered on Jannie, gleeful as a water nymph, her clothes drenched and thus no longer restricting the view of those breasts and nipples to their mere outlines, now drawing back to a wide shot of her splendid body...

Suddenly, with a crash of consciousness, I was jolted back to the present, realizing that I had been staring fixedly at Jannie's bosom for--well, quite a while. I felt the rush in my face as it turned pure red in embarrassment.

"I apologize, Jannie, I really didn't meant to stare like that. I just..." My voice trailed as I could find no explanation that wasn't merely stating the obvious.

"Please don't apologize, Fred," she replied, voice hushed and with a distinct quiver to it, "I guess I got carried away too. It was a--sweet--pleasant--you know, kinda fun--thing." She was struggling hard to avoid provocative terms to describe her memory and what remained was comically insipid. That, combined with our mutual self-consciousness, struck us simultaneously and we dissolved into gales of laughter, laughter sweet as a nectar from the gods, throwing open the floodgates, letting the tension, apprehension, worry and doubt drain away in a blessed torrent of relief. Each of us sustained the joyful explosion in each other until sheer exhaustion brought us back to peace.

Now the Jannie I knew had returned from hiding. The gleeful spirit had re-emerged, and so, I knew, had the real Fred. Brief though it must be, the respite was refreshing, joyful all the more in contrast to the black business behind it which, though it could not be dismissed, could at least wait a while.

"I can't help it, Jannie," I said, still guffawing, "I was just drilling my eyes right into your... That...that isn't polite. Or something."

"Fred, forget it. I'll consider it a compliment," she replied, easily and sincerely.

Reluctant to let go of this unexpected lightness and peace, we relaxed in silence for a while. Too soon, however, it was time to turn back to the sterner matter of Linda and Jason and Jannie's narrative.

"Fred, this is where I started making some mistakes. Serious mistakes. Mistakes that might have made the difference between Linda hanging on and slipping the way she did.

"As I said, it was all very sudden and impulsive on my part. On a pretext I got Jason out of his jeans and then, on another impulse, dragged Linda into the spray. Her clothes were by no means revealing, but I failed to notice how much that might change if they got wet. By now I should have seen this was heading beyond a little innocent frolic, but somehow I didn't. Maybe I was enjoying myself too much and it warped my judgment a little."

facts, twisted by desire...desires, twisting the facts...thrills, desires, and twisted facts...

"Fred...?"

"Oh...Sorry, Jannie. Something you said reminded me of...something. Just go ahead."

"Of course, Linda could have walked away anytime and I will neither excuse nor condemn her for not doing that. Just try to picture how sexually charged the whole atmosphere was. That's something else about me you may or may not know. Once my own engines are getting tached up to the red line I don't always think so clearly. Sex takes over. That's fine with Sammy, or even some of those other situations you know about. This time, though, it might not have been so good, but that's how it was. The more Jason and I worked to turn each other on, the more it must have struck Linda. Her own judgment was off kilter by then, and wherever her mind was, she stayed and kept watching, keeping some distance, but not leaving either. Again, it's no excuse, but getting aroused can cause some strange kinds of blindness."

"To keep to the point, just a while later Jason and I were down on the lawn, on a cushion that came from somewhere. We were..." she stopped, once again to tone down the intensity of the imagery. "We...started...the big number. Linda came closer, but that's all, Fred. Just watching.

"Here is where I made a big mistake. A huge one, one that still boggles my mind. If anything is going to destroy your respect for me, this will. I hope it won't, but I will have to face it either way. All I can say is that I make no excuses for this, and I meant no harm."

"Go on, Jannie," I ordered, darkly enough to prompt a slightly apprehensive look from her.

"Like I said, when I'm fired up, I don't think really well. Remember that Linda and I have been lovers. Somehow, the idea that it would be terribly wrong to reveal to Jason what he had been seeing of us both only through his telescope failed me. I wanted to give him..."

"A treat?" I snapped with a bitter snarl. Jannie cringed, but kept on.

"Yes, that's about it. In one impulsive moment I whipped Linda's shirt off of her. She was shocked, but she didn't try to put it back on. All of us, all three, were out of control by then, and I was a big part of pushing things over the line like that."

She stopped then and looked at me, not quite meeting my eyes, the very picture of remorse and contrition. Some protective instinct had subdued my reactions in favor of hearing all of this out, dispassionately. Jannie's appallingly bad judgment was deserving of criticism but I felt no motivation to destroy my personal respect for her, and criticizing her actions would be no more than repeating to her what she had already admitted.

"Go on, Jannie. What else happened?" She seemed relieved as she resumed her story. I don't hold it against her that at this moment she omitted the details about Jason touching Linda's breasts. The essence of the matter was stated; that would only have inflamed my anger and weakened by objectivity. I could learn of that later.

"The next day I was very uneasy about what I had done. It should not surprise you that Linda wasn't happy either." She saw questioning in my eyes and her voice rose. "I swear to you, Fred, she did. She was not at all happy with herself for staying and watching us."

"OK, I believe you. Go on."

"Sometimes, when something disturbs you and then the disturbing part of it fades away, it changes, instead of disappearing as well. Maybe to neutral. Maybe to even interesting, even attractive. And sometimes, if how it's changing is uncomfortable and you start to fight it, it just gets stronger. I think you know what I'm talking about now.

"Jason wasn't doing anything to encourage that. He was still himself, nothing suspicious about his behavior toward his mother. But things were changing for Linda. The snake had entered the garden.

"Don't think she welcomed that, Fred. Far from it." Once again her voice rose as she saw some doubt in my expression. "She knew damn well it wasn't good, but it was starting to run away with her and she was begging me to help her get over it. I wanted to do something to help. I did try, Fred, but it didn't help. It was my next big mistake, and it made things worse."

"And that was...?"

"Another secret from the lives of Sammy and Jannie. You heard the first one yesterday. There is one more." She needed a long time to steel herself this time. "I wanted it to help. I thought by telling this other story it would help her realize she's not alone in her feelings and that there are other viewpoints about...it...that aren't so harsh. Maybe if that took the edge off she'd stop wrestling with it and then she could just let it go."

"That wasn't too bright, Jannie," I growled, "I should have expected better from you."

I hated to see the way she seemed to collapse at the force of my censure. As much as I would have liked the criticism to focus solely on the act and not the person, there existed no appropriate way to say that. Now it was harder than ever to recognize the Jannie I knew from our years of friendship.

"I know, Fred, how well I know! But I told her. Do you want to know it now?"

"Might as well," I said, as gently as I could force myself to. "I think I know enough already that the details won't make it much worse."

"OK," said she, taking a very slow, deep breath, "Here it is."

This, as you have probably already guessed, was the Mark and Maria story, only now with real names, which happen to be Jerry and Costanza. Whatever. Any other time that part where she got fired up and took on that person at the party would have been a real kicker for me. Certainly, not now.

"So, there you have it. Little Miss Fix-Everything has now broken the machinery worse than before." Jannie stopped, eyes downcast, facing straight to the floor.

I was having trouble believing anyone could pull something that lunkheaded. Of course, as you know if you've seen the earlier parts of this story, she was telling the truth. About this, and everything else.

"All right, then. Go on."

"That night was for her just like the one we talked about before, only much worse, because now she wasn't furious with you; she was furious with herself. It was a runaway train in her mind now and she was desperate. You think she looked bad that morning before you went to work? Believe me, she was a work of art that time, compared to what I saw now.

"We jawed about it; she felt better, but was no nearer to putting this monster to death than before. She said it to me straight right then. I'll say it to you straight, too--if you're ready for it. Make very sure you are."

"I am, Jannie," I said, after taking time to prepare as best I could. Even so, I wasn't too sure.

"I can recall the words, verbatim:

"The horrible thing about all this is that there are two opposing passions burning inside me now. No way do I love Fred any less, and no way would I ever willingly indulge myself against him. I swear that to you and myself right now. So then, what is the other? I suppose I could say it a couple of ways, but perhaps the best one for our purposes right now is to say that the second passion is this frantic need to find some way to be able to...hell, I'll say it dirty; maybe that will help...I want to find some way to fuck Jason without hurting Fred. There. I've said it."

Yes, it was damn good she warned me, though even so my wife's words set me reeling for a while. Such a crazy mixture of conflicting messages! Like a ball in a nightmare's version of a pinball game, my mind darted from one to another and again, randomly, trying desperately to extract comfort from the good parts, and understanding from all of them, and failing.

There was no reason to be shocked at her admission; it was nothing more than stating the compulsion to do exactly what she had done, and what I had caught her at, her and Jason. My dying effort to make something positive of this revelation passed, and the whole thing melted into one gray, homogeneous mass. At least I'll have it to draw upon later, I thought.

"Go on, Jannie," I said. She must have expected an explosion, because she visibly relaxed when it didn't happen.

"Fred, this is the one and only time I have ever yelled at her. I had asked her if she was sure she could resist temptation and her answer was equivocal. I told her, loudly, that wasn't good enough and she should find a cave to live in until it blows over. Or a convent, or something like that.

"Well, I don't know exactly how it happened after that. One way or another, she snapped. She turned into a different person. It's almost enough to convert you to a believer in demonic possession, so far removed she had become from herself."

Once again, that mental flailing took over. For a while my image of her shifted radically, from sinner to a woman newly fallen from a lifeboat, suddenly swept away by the violent sea around her, helpless as a bit of flotsam. I struggled to hold onto that picture. Tragic as it was, it was better than the one of the duplicitous betrayer of my trust that had been haunting me from that terrible day of discovery to this. I could not, and it faded.

"The gist of it, Fred, to pass over details that don't really change anything, is that she suddenly was trying to live two lives at once, two completely separate, distinct lives, with no part of either one overlapping any part of the other. I swear, over and over, she did not want to hurt you; she just wanted to chase a silly dream, rewrite reality top to bottom, but just for a little while. She thought she could do it all, get it out of her system, and jump right back into her old self, with nothing changed but a few crazy memories left over. We both know--we all know--it could never have turned out that way, even if you'd never gotten wise to it all. But she was getting lost in it, and I didn't know how to even talk to her any more. Maybe this was another mistake, maybe not, but for the most part I just pulled back and let her--them--carry on, not saying anything to either support nor criticize. Anything I might say that even hinted at reconsidering her behavior annoyed her."

I don't know how long I remained there, deep in thought. Jannie, to her credit, did not try to run from my reactions. She had one more thing to say, and said it very softly, nearly inaudibly.

"I can assure you now, that is all over. The Linda that waits back home has recovered her values, but now they have become her enemies, shouting the depths of her depravity back into her mind without taking a breath, every waking moment, maybe even when she's not awake. You know how her upbringing was; she's prone to that, and now the superego has flattened a bullhorn against her ear and launched into a Jonathan Edwards harangue that doesn't pause a moment to come up for air.

"The lies she fed herself to keep the illusion going are dead and burned, the ashes scattered to the four winds. She is listening again.

"What is not the same is her spirit. That, Fred, is silent now, but I refuse to believe it is dead forever. At this moment all that can be seen is the hollow shell of a woman. I pray that someday, somehow, the right things will happen to breathe life into it again."

"I can pray for that too, Jannie," I replied, my tone just like her own. "But I cannot promise that I'll be there to see it happen, much less help it to happen. Maybe it's true, Jannie, that there was a lot of pressure on her, and Jason, too, and that it came upon them--indeed, all of you--unannounced and unexpected. In fairness, that has to be allowed for.

"But in the end, Linda and Jason are not puppets. That same maturity you cited as reasons to enjoy sex with Jason--and I am not questioning that--makes them accountable for their actions. It falls to me to find as much understanding as I can in their circumstances, but they made their own choices. They alone are ultimately responsible for them."

"I won't dispute that, Fred," Jannie replied, "But please remember that goes for me as well. And Sammy. And Fred--lest you forget--it goes for you.

"Think about it, Fred. There are five, five of us in this. And all five have made mistakes that contributed to it turning into what it did. Nobody's entirely at fault, but nobody is completely innocent either. Every one of us, every single one, had a hand in creating this tragedy."

There was much to absorb now, and I needed time to absorb it.

"Shall I leave you alone now, Fred?" Jannie asked, her voice subdued almost to a whisper.

"Yes, I think you should. I have a lot to think about."

"Goodbye, Fred."

"Goodbye."

This was Thursday. That mysterious Friday was almost here. Now I wasn't so sure I cared about it.

I wasn't sure about anything.

(to be continued)