All Comments on 'Shondra's Revenge'

Congrats on your first submission.

On the fence with this one. This seems to have a porn film feel to it.

There was over use of "white boy". And a bit too much focus on how Shondra's ass and tits looked. Some errors here and there. Other then that you didn't do too bad. Looking forward to your next submission.

When writing in the Third Person, it isn't necessary to "change points of view", especially as often as you did. I found the "Kyle" and "Shonda" breaks in the narrative a bit distracting, and it interrupted the flow of the tale itself. Otherwise, it was a damn hot read!

5 Stars for the writing talent, but keep in mind that you don't have to break flow to change the point of view.

Thanks for the quick feedback ariesgirl and IronDragon. I'll be sure to keep in mind during next submission.

brought back memories of when I was much younger. I do agree that the whole character switching thing was distracting, but I thought it was real good for a first submission. cant wait for part 2.

Just a little over the top but still hot. Thanks for sharing. Now for the follow-up!!

Great story, especially for a first effort! The change in point-of-view was a bold choice; like many of the other commenters I found it a bit distracting, but it also added a new element to the tale beyond the simple third person narrative. I'd definitely follow Iron Dragon's advice for now, but don't be afraid to play with convention once you're comfortable with the standard first and third person styles.

Really great job - count me among those looking forward to your next submission!

The story had just enough sex to make it believable. I liked the background info on the characters and the build up wasn't too long and drawn out. I will be looking forward to chapter 2 or another story from you!!!

5 Stars!

Hope to see a second chapter to this story. Great first effort really enjoyed the read.

We certainly do, and the ass worship scenes here are absolutely mind-blowing. Fun characterisations, filthy dialogue and so much horny big-ass action! Shondra is the perfect fantasy of mature African American womanhood,, and I'd love to hear more from her. Perhaps she could haul ass across the atlantic on a sea cruise, spreading her ebony charms for the booty starved cocks of Europe?

Hot story ,I do love a hairy freaky black bbw,and her friend too.

Hope put white baby in her cunt and her friend got her knocked up

Loved this story.Is there a follow up

Oh keep this story cumming!