Swing Open, Swing Closed

She was taking care of my kids, and driving my husband's car. She was even planting shit in my backyard. After about a half hour she looked at her watch and laid down on a lounge chair. When did we get the new yard furniture?

Something else bothered me about her. If I had a body like hers, I'd be running around in a bikini twenty-four hours a day. She had on a regular light top and long shorts. She was sexy without even trying to be, but she didn't try to flaunt herself. Then Greg pulled into the driveway. I expected them to wave to each other and probably talk.

She jumped out of that lounge chair like she had a rocket up her ass. She ran over to him and even beat the kids getting there. She gave him a hug that made me jealous. She didn't just put her arms around him and squeeze. She wrapped her arms around him inside of his suit jacket and molded herself against him.

It was a gesture so intimate that it made me see red. I'd spent weeks fucking other men, yet seeing that woman hug Greg made me angrier than I ever thought I could be.

The sex I'd had with the dick jockeys at the club was just that, no strings attached physical sex. This was insidious, the way she hugged him said it all. This bitch wanted my husband. She wasn't looking for a quick roll in the hay and then on to something else. That was a fucking forever after hug, that she had given Greg.

Greg looked upset about something. He showed her something in a big envelope. The bitch was even listening to his problems with things on the job, I thought. I never did it because that stuff was too boring. I had enough trouble concentrating on problems with my own job. This was just not fair. That cunt was better at being Greg's wife than I was, already.

She pulled Greg over to a big shaded hammock. At first I'd thought the hammock was too big. Then I realized it was a God damned two person hammock. She took off his shoes and took his tie off. She put them and his jacket off to the side and then pulled him into the hammock. Then she just wrapped her arms around him while they swung there together. Watching them lay in that fucking hammock nearly caused me to have a stroke. The way he held her hand and kissed it bothered me. The way she molded herself to him, these things though nowhere near sex, were far more intimate than any of the extreme sex I'd had over the past four months.

While my session at the club just made me fee cheap and used, like I'd signed up to voluntarily prositute myself, they were falling in love. I had not agreed to this. There was no way I intended to put up with it. That bitch had to go.

Even from the distance I was watching from I could tell that he was becoming more relaxed as the minutes ticked by. After. Few minutes she got up and he didn't move. I think he was asleep. She kissed him on the forehead and went into the house. Naturally my kids followed her. They trailed happily along behind her, those traitors. I couldn't believe she even had my kids on her side.

I was really pissed. The more I watched the angrier I got. Then I felt something by my ankle. I looked down and heard my next door neighbor's stupid rat-sized dog yapping at me.

I looked up and saw Tina staring at me while she held the stupid animal back.

"Oh, it's you Joyce," she said. "What are you doing?"

"Hi Tina," I said. "I was just looking to see if Greg and the kids were home."

"God Joyce," she said. "I'm sorry, I guess I sometimes forget that you're the one Greg is married to. Elise is so sweet and I get so busy trying to help her that I forget about you." She shook her head at me. "So Uhm, what's it like?"

"What's what like?" I asked.

"You know, the wild carefree single life that you wanted?" she said. "I'm sure you're out there having a lot of fun, not just bored and stuck in the mud like us. That's why I have to help Elise. Us boring old suburban housewives have to stick together." She smiled at me.

"You're out there living the life. A different guy whenever you want one. At first I was a little bit jealous of Elise. I mean how could I not be. Greg really is a great guy. Shit, if I wasn't married to Dave, I'd have gone after him myself. Then she started telling me about their problem, so I have to help her."

"What fucking problem does she have?" I snapped. Tina looked at me like I was crazy. I actually think she was going to leave.

"You couldn't relate to it," she said.

"Tina please tell me," I begged.

"Well, remember back when we were friends and we used to talk?" she asked. I nodded sadly, I thought that we were still friends."

"Your biggest complaint was that Greg wanted way more sex than you wanted, remember?" she asked. "Well apparently Greg hasn't gotten over you yet because, no matter what the poor thing has tried, they haven't had sex yet. Not even once."

I think I smiled when she said that.

"I even had her try to get him drunk," she said. "I've had her run around in next to nothing. That girl's body is incredible. She told me that she's not that kind of girl, and she couldn't do that around the kids."

"I just don't get it. On her worst day, she makes you on your best day, look like a little fat boy, but Greg won't touch her," she said.

"Thanks Tina," I said sarcastically.

"Sorry Joyce, I didn't mean to insult you. But you have all of your new men, and she just has the one. And she loves him so much. It's not like she can just say well this guy isn't any good, tomorrow I'll get a different guy. Greg is all she has, and all she wants. She can't just abandon him and his kids to go off with other guys. I knew you wouldn't understand." She actually grabbed that fucking dog and left like I'd insulted her or something.

Tina was the one who didn't understand. She really thought that my life was all ice cream and roses. Like I used to, she probably watches too much fucking TV. I didn't get to go to all of the glamorous place like we saw on TV. I went to one place to be with men. Once I got there, I may as well have been a whore. None of those men wanted to talk to me, or know me, or do anything with me. I'd never been asked out on a date. None of them had ever or would ever so much as say "bless you," if I sneezed. I was a hole to them. Just an orifice for them to stick their drug stiffened dicks into until they, not I, got off. If I said "No," and meant it, they'd simply move on to another woman and there were plenty available.

Tina on the other hand, had a man who flat out loved her. She controlled when, where and whether or not they had sex. And for that matter what kind of sex they had. And the man she had sex with actually tried to make sure she enjoyed it. That man wanted to take her places and be with her. He wanted to grow old with her and have kids with her. She was his partner in life, love and the pursuit of happiness. Tina had all of those boring things that I now realized were so much more exciting and better than what I have now. I wanted my life back.

When I got into the car I saw my cell phone on the seat. I had a message from my lawyer. He wanted me to call him immediately.

He never even bothered to say hello when he answered. His first words were,"Greg wants an eighty/twenty split of all of the assets. Should I try and get you a better deal? I might be able to get seventy/thirty if we offer an immediate settlement."

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" I screamed. "I told you months ago that I didn't want a fucking divorce, under any circumstances. I have not changed my position on that at all. I still have two weeks before my time is up."

"Maybe you should come over here," he said. "Things have changed."

I drove over to his office. All the way there I could barely concentrate. I nearly wrecked my car twice.

I sat down on a big leather wing back chair in my lawyer's office. "Greg has ended the separation early," he said. "He wants to bring in the arbiter immediately. All he wants is the property settlement. I was expecting him to go for fifty/fifty, irreconcilable differences with joint custody."

"No fucking way, I told you no divorce,"I said. "I wanted the separation so I could work my way through my problems. Now that I have, I want my husband back."

He started laughing. "We can't win this. Normally if one spouse wants a divorce and the other doesn't, we try to delay things or ask for counseling, hoping they'll work out their problems in therapy and reconcile." He took off his glasses and shook his head.

"I thought I had seen cases like yours before, but I never saw this coming. I thought you were some chunky little housewife whose husband didn't show her enough attention. Or maybe you were going through a midlife crisis. You'd separate for a few weeks, until he missed you so much that he begged you to come back. Even if it was only to have someone clean up all of the beer cans and porno tapes he left all over the place. Maybe you'd have some cheap little affair and hope your hubby either didn't find out, or was willing to give you a pass and take you back. I thought that like a lot of wives, you loved him and just wanted to light a little fire under him."

"Greg wasn't the problem..." I began.

"You didn't just light a fire under him. You soaked the matches in gasoline and lit it with a cruise missile," he said. "This morning when his lawyer asked me for a meeting, I figured that he, wanted the same thing you did. I thought we'd get together tear up the papers and you'd be back in your bed with hubby two hours ago. Making two lawyers richer and the two of you happier."

"That's what I want," I snapped.

"His lawyer told me that Greg will not even discuss reconciling. There is no chance of it. And wants an eighty/ twenty split, no alimony, full custody with supervised "in house," visitation on birthdays and some holidays. I thought the man was out of his fucking mind. I knew he'd get custody. But I thought you'd get unlimited visitation. I mean you weren't going to get physical custody because mother or not, you walked out on your kids. Who does that?" His look seemed to suggest that he thought I was stupid.

"Any way, I was all set to nail them to the wall on the settlement until he said, "okay, no arbitration. Let's go to court." Then he explained his case to me. Starting with this." He threw a bunch of pictures and DVDs on the table. They were obviously taken at Wanda's house and the club.

"This is video footage of you fucking a whole lot of different men while your husband was struggling to take care of your kids. He was also working extra hours so he could afford to hire a nanny to come and stay with them. Finally there is the fact that you and some of your friends may have drugged him. You also have a morals clause in your employment contract. He knows that the video and pictures won't be admissible in court, but he figures that the fall out to your job, your reputation and your family would give them a leg up."

I literally didn't know what to say. I sat there with my mouth open but nothing came out. All I could think about was how stupid I'd been.

"What do you want me to tell them?" he asked.

"More than anything else, I want a meeting with my husband," I said. I thought that if I could just talk to Greg, I could get us back together. He loved me too much to let me go.

"I thought of that," he said. "He's seen your videos and doesn't want to have anything to do with you. He doesn't even want to speak to you. If the social services people ever see you in action you might never see your kids again. Why did you do this?"

I just ran out of his office. I didn't want to talk to anyone except Greg. Parts of this were starting to make some sense. Now I understand what Greg had been so upset about. That was why that little bitch was trying so hard to make him feel better. I was sure she really wanted him to feel better by getting over me.

I drove to the house and started banging on the door. I saw a head through the glass, but no one opened it.

"Let me in, I need to talk to Greg," I screamed. "This is all a mistake. Let me in God damn it."

Then my cell phone rang. I answered it. "Who the fuck is this?" I snapped.

"Hi Joyce, this is Elise." Even her fucking voice sounded cheerful and calming. I decided right then to break the door down and ram her cheerful fucking voice up her sculptured ass. How dare she try to calm me down when she was stealing my house, my kids and my husband. The bitch was stealing my entire life. I kicked the door again as hard as I could.

"Joyce you need to calm down," she said. "Greg doesn't want to speak to you. He told our lawyer to tell your lawyer that. Maybe when he's had a few days to get over this, it'll be better. Joyce, he really loved you a lot and you broke his heart. "

"I didn't do any of this stuff," I screamed. "I just need to explain this. Now let me in or I'll break this fucking door down and beat your perfect fucking ass." By this time there were several neighbors looking out their windows. A couple of them had even come outside of their houses.

"Joyce, you really should calm down," she said. "I don't understand any of this. Maybe you and I could meet and talk this over."

"I don't want to talk to you," I screamed. "You're some kind of robotic Stepford bitch they sent to replace me. I want to talk to Greg, and I want to talk to him right fucking now!"

"Joyce, I'm trying to help you so we can both understand this," she said. "You really should leave, Greg has called the police."

"I'm not going anywhere. I have a right to stand in front of my own fucking house, Robo-cunt." I kicked the door again and started banging on the windows trying to open one. Behind me a police cruiser had pulled up. Apparently one of my neighbors had called the police before Greg did.

"Step away from the house, ma'am," said an amplified voice from behind me.

"This is my fucking house and I'm not going to let anyone take it from me," I screamed. "I have a fucking right to my own house and my own family, God damn it. Shouldn't you be down the street at the bakery, protecting doughnuts or something. Mind your own fucking bus..."

I never got to finish my tirade. The darts from the taser hit me and the next thing I knew I was on the ground twitching. I don't know if it was the crack about the doughnuts or my general attitude, but I can tell you that those rumors about the cops treating white, suburban women differently than other suspects are not true. They cuffed me and threw me in the back of their squad car. They read me my rights first, and had to wait until I had enough of my motor skills back to be able to nod my head that I understood them.

As I was being put into the squad car I heard my neighbors telling the cops about it. Even Tina snitched on me. As we were pulling off, I heard an officer telling Greg that he had enough cause to seek a restraining order against me. The thing that hurt me the most, was seeing up close how much pain Greg was going through from what I had done. Didn't he understand that I did it for him?

Another thing that hurt me was seeing Elise go over and hug Greg and take him inside. She thanked the cops for their quick action. Even these fucking Gestapo agents were in love with her. When we got to the station, all the cops talked about was how sweet she was and how pretty. I knew that I was in trouble.

I called my lawyer. He came down and he called Wanda. She bailed me out. I knew that paying her back was going to take most of my savings. I'd been paying her rent and buying a bunch of clothes to look sexy in, so I hadn't really been saving any money. Then I did another stupid thing. When they let me out of my cell. In front of Wanda, my lawyer, and a bunch of cops, I said, "As soon as I get a chance I'm going to fuck that bitch up. I'll show her how to take my husband and family away from me."

I guess I was just really angry. My lawyer quickly put his hand over my mouth and rushed me out of there.

"Why would you make a threat against someone in the middle of a police station?" he asked me. "Why would you especially do it in front of the cops who just arrested you for trying to break into the house where the person you threatened lived?"

I just looked at the floor. "I was angry," I said in a small voice.

"You've just pounded another nail in the coffin of your marriage," he said. "You'd better go ahead and sign those papers now while you can still get the eighty/twenty split."

I went back to Wanda's house with her. Wanda was always calm and calculating. I told her everything I'd gone through today in the hope that she could help me. Somehow as my best friend I expected her to be more concerned.

"I think that you should go ahead and give him the divorce," she said. "But tell him that you're going to get counseling for your problems, and you'd like to start again after your therapy is over. Maybe you could go out on a few dates again. You need to try and rebuild some of the bridges you've destroyed."

"If you tell your lawyer that you'll agree to the divorce and sign the papers immediately, but only if you get a private face to face meeting with Greg, they might go for it. Then you can pour your heart out to him. If you speak convincingly enough, he may even cancel the divorce," she said. It sounded like as good an option as any. Right now I had no other way of even speaking to him because of the restraining order against me.

It worked. Yay, Wanda. I was glad she was on my side. The very next morning. I met with my lawyer and Greg's to sign the papers. Greg was very generous. I guess even though he was still hurt by me, a part of him still loved me. He had amended the papers and gave me visitation on certain holidays and my birthday, and their birthdays as well. I could also come and visit the kids any time I wanted but I needed to call first.

He also gave me a sixty/forty split which was far more than I ever hoped for. He didn't pay me any alimony since I was working, but I didn't have to pay child support. He even took out a loan and gave me forty percent of the value of our home minus what we still owed on it. My lawyer was happy, it meant that I could pay him. As soon as I signed the papers I got my meeting with Greg. I was told that I could not touch him or come around to his side of the table. I would get 15 minutes to plead my case.

I didn't like it. I'd heard of cases where the woman poured her heart out and her ex spouse didn't say a word to her, he just got up and left. So I told them that Greg had to talk to me as well. They went back and came back five minutes later. After I had said my peace Greg would make a statement and ask me some questions too.

I demanded that Elise not be there. I wanted this meeting to be between just Greg and me.

Greg walked into the room and sat across from me.

I started talking, with tears in my eyes. I wanted so much for him to just take me in his arms and tell me everything would be okay. I told him everything. I told him about feeling old and unattractive. I told him about being bored with our life. I told him about being upset because he wanted sex more often than I did. I told him about the things Wanda had told me, and how she'd spiced up her marriage. I told him about the club and how Wanda and I had tried to get him involved. I told him how Wanda told me that I'd have to do it alone and then bring all of the things that I learned back to him.

I told him about all of the things I'd learned about sex and wanted to share with him. I told him how after doing all of it that I'd really learned that there was nothing wrong with our life in the first place. I told him how what I'd thought was just boring married sex was so much more intimate and so much better than just being a pin-cushion for a bunch of guys who didn't give a shit about me.