tagHumor & SatireTake My Advice

Take My Advice

byAshson©

Consider Neville. He was a big lad, in all ways. He stood over six foot tall, and weighed over 200 pounds, and it was honest labourer's weight, not fat. He wasn't ugly, nor startlingly handsome. Neville was just a big honest lad of nearly twenty one.

Now Neville had a problem. Two of them actually, but only one that he thinks he can do something about. His first problem, one that he knew he was stuck with, was that he wasn't the brightest spark around. He knew it and he didn't really mind, even if it did mean that he was made the butt of jokes at times. He had a good sense of humour and didn't mind laughing at himself.

His second problem was that he was a virgin, and this was something that he really wanted to fix, preferably before his twenty-first birthday, which was fast approaching.

In his slow but methodical way Neville had decided that if he didn't know how to catch a girl then maybe he should ask someone smarter than him.

That night at the pub Neville turned to the guys he tended to drink with and told them his problem.

"I know you guys can get girls," he finished. "You're always talking about how lucky you get, so I thought you could tell me what to do."

He rode out the ensuing hilarity placidly, waiting for some constructive advice.

There was much discussion on the subject, with advice ranging from hilarious to obscene, but with no-one actually able to come up with a good plan of attack for Neville.

Among the crowd was Tommy. Good old Tommy, the practical joker. Unfortunately, a practical joker with a cruel edge, with some of his jokes hurting. Tommy considered this situation ripe for some fun.

"Listen up," he called. "We can't decide something this important right now. Why don't we sleep on it and we can advise Neville tomorrow, after we've had time to plan things."

This seemed fine to Neville. He was quite happy to leave all the planning to brighter brains than his, and he went home content.

The next day at work, Tommy wandered over to Neville. "Listen, Neville," he said. "About that little problem of yours. We've got a solution, but you'll have to meet us at the main bar in the Regal, so dress properly."

Neville thought about this. "Isn't the Regal the pub where the posh people go?" he asked.

"It is indeed," agreed Tommy, "and it is also the solution to your little problem."

That evening, Neville fronted up to the Regal, to be hastily drawn inside by Tommy and a group of smiling friends. Neville grinned back, pleased that they were so happy to help him.

Settling down with a beer, Neville listened intently to what Tommy had to say.

"Now, Neville," started Tommy. "We've talked it over and we figure that one of your problems with girls is that all the girls at the Red Lion know you, and just discount you as a possible lover, so we've changed places to a bar where you aren't known.

We've chosen the Regal because a lot of posh girls come here. They're all used to posh guys and they're probably tired of them by now, so they're a lot more likely to be interested in someone like you.

Now, if you glance over in the far corner, you will see a bunch of girls sitting around the table drinking wine. They're the girls you'll be talking to later. The one in the blue dress is Meredith. She's the one you should try your little speech on. She's a sucker for a working man."

Neville looked at the indicated corner, and felt faint as he observed the girls there. Way out of his league he'd have thought, but Tommy seemed quite confident. He focused on the woman in blue, Meredith.

Meredith, Tommy's bete noire. Tommy had tried to put the moves on her several times and had been slapped down each time. To add insult, she'd actually had an intervention order put on him to stop him approaching her. He was pushing it just being in the same bar as her.

Neville turned back to Tommy. "Are you sure that this is a good idea," he asked.

"Hey, we're mates," said Tommy. "Would I lead you astray?"

"Well, there was this time when you told me to talk to that cop..."

"Forget that," snapped Tommy. "That was just a joke."

"What about the time you..."

"Stop worrying about past jokes," interrupted Tommy, feeling hard done by. "Concentrate on how you're finally going to get laid."

Neville slowly nodded. "What do I have to do?"

Tommy smiled. "It's easy. All you have to do is walk over to the girls, greet Meredith and tell them your name. Then you tell them that you're still a virgin and will be twenty-one tomorrow and want to have sex before then. Let them know that you know that Meredith will be willing to ball anything in trousers and that you can describe your cock to them if they're interested."

"What do I do if they say no?" asked poor Neville.

"That's easy. You just show them your cock. That usually changes their mind. You'll probably be able to choose a couple of them."

"It seems simple enough," said Neville. "When should I do it."

"Now," said Tommy.

"Now," agreed the others, attentively listening to the scheme.

Neville braced his shoulders. "OK," he said, standing and turning towards the far table.

Clutching tightly to his nerves, Neville marched up to where Meredith and her friends were sitting.

She stood there for a second as the girls looked at him with surprise.

"OK, I can do this. Hullo, Meredith" he said.

Meredith nodded encouragingly, amused but a little unsure where this was going.

"I'm Neville. I'm a virgin and I'll be twenty-one tomorrow and I want to have sex before then. Um, what's next?

Meredith opened her mouth to blast him on the spot, but Neville frantically waved his hands. "Hold on," he pleaded. "I have to remember what else I'm supposed to say to you."

Meredith raised her eyebrows at this little outburst and glanced at her friends. They shrugged. "Let him continue," said Sally. "It's getting interesting."

"Got it," said Neville happily. "I'm supposed to add that I know Meredith will be willing to ball anything in trousers and I'm to describe my cock to you." He smiled, glad to have remembered it all.

The girls sat stunned at this little effort, Meredith feeling both wrathful and sorry for Neville. She could guess where the source of this lay.

Sally spoke up. "Neville, darling," she cooed, "You said you'd describe your cock, but you haven't. How big is it?"

Neville gulped and held his fingers about two inches apart.

Now the girls had to prevent themselves laughing and really embarrassing the poor lad.

"Um, that's really not very long, is it?" murmured Sally with a gentle smile.

Neville looked puzzled. "Long?" he asked. "Tommy always told me I should measure across, because that's what matters."

The girls suddenly found that they no longer wanting to laugh.

"Ah, just as a matter of curiosity," said Meredith, "How long would it be when it's full size?"

"You mean like in the morning?" asked Neville, and at her nod held his hands somewhat more than two inches apart.

"Gods," breathed Sally. "And no-one's tested it out yet? That's practically a sin."

Meredith and Sally looked at each other.

"It might be interesting," said Meredith, "and it would definitely be one in the eye for that idiot, Tommy."

"It could be very interesting," said Sally with a smirk. "Do you think he can handle both of us?"

"He's damn near twenty-one and never been laid. He could probably take all four of us without stopping, but we'll stick to the two of us for now."

Meredith turned to the other girls. "Sorry, girls, but Sally and I are splitting. Something important has just come up."

"If it hasn't come up yet, I'm sure it will very shortly," replied one of the others. "Good luck and have fun."

Meredith and Sally rose, smiling at Neville. "Come on round to our place, Neville," said Meredith. "We'll see what we can do about your little problem."

The girls ushered Neville to the door. Neville turned and gave a thumbs-up to Tommy and his mates as he left. It was nice to have such helpful friends.

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