All Comments on 'The Big Day'

Disorienting. I never knew where they were or what was real. You need to establish reality, then you can move from it....

Thanks to bigguy323 for commenting.

I was trying to approach this from the point of view of Dani, who is fundamentally disoriented. The goal was to start with something superficially normal, let the reader gradually realize something is not quite right, and finish with the recognition of what is happening when Dani can't make that leap herself.

I worried about this, apparently with good reason ;-), but didn't want to slap readers in the face with a "Dani and Val go on vacation" to "Dani gets married" transition that would give up too much of the game too soon.

I appreciate the feedback.

Regards,

-VS

Even at the end, I still had no idea what had happened to the characters. The only obvious thing (and this is only obvious because of the category of the story) was that some hypnotism/mind control took place.

Who was the culprit? Did the poker machines themselves mind-fuck the girls? Were the machines simply a lure? Did the machines even exist in the first place? There is absolutely no coherency to this tale, and though the sex scenes were good there was also no break between scenes (formatting problem?) so the coherency was even further destroyed.

I understand that you were trying to write from the viewpoint of a confused and mind-controlled character, but the reader isn't going to be much better off in the end unless you include some kind of opposing viewpoint to gain perspective on the whole thing.

Basically, at the end of the story it is unclear: Who the characters were and whether some of them even existed, how the events taking place actually came to pass, and what those events -actually- were. None of these uncertainties are good things in the case of a well-written story.

This tale has potential, but I'd say it needs some serious re-working to be coherent.

you people really need to stop doing this forced stuff dani said she was with robert sheesh her sister doing that then victor forcing it makes me sick of this crap