All Comments on 'The Gift'

Best thing about having to work on a holiday!

4*s This was so well written . This can't be the first thing you've ever written.

I really enjoyed it!!

Will look forward to your next story.

Today, I really am

AMerryMan

completely enjoyed this story thanks 5

that this is your first story to LIT. so I'll try to be constructive after saying welcome fellow author.

I liked the story as a whole, but there are some problems. Misspelled words, words not capitalized are the two that stood out to me.

I'm not perfect and make mistakes still, but some type of spell check and editing program would help.

Keep writing and good job for a first story.

This tale resonated with me. I have seen a very similar situation play out. If you want to write a part two to this tale of sadness, this is what happened: Tom and Grace got married, had three great kids and prospered. The did well because both of them knew that love was a choice and they both wanted the same thing. They prospered because he went off to work every day confident in his wife's love and filled with the desire to make her proud of him. She in turn, knew how much he loved her, saw how hard he worked to support his growing family and was indeed proud of him! The kids grew up with two, good loving parents and thrived. Kathy on the other hand became a lost soul. She moved from job to job, relationship to relationship, never confident enough to trust in marriage because she knew how easy it was for her to cheat and be cheated. Finally, she did get married again, but too late in life to have children. This time she lured a wealthy married man with two kids away from his family as a way of gaining financial security into her old age. She is now a strange, twisted bitter woman with not much to show for her years on this earth. Although Tom never looked back when he found out about how Kathy's life had played out he realized how lucky he had been in getting away from her, and in finding his Grace. He did however recognize that Kathy had helped him to find the love inside himself that had been hidden there from his miserable childhood. Even if she had thrown his love away, she had still helped him release from his chained up heart. It made his marriage with Grace possible. He told her this years later, in words not in a song! He felt he owed her that much. Keep up the great writing!

... I agree with other commenters that this probably isn't your first effort at writing but, nevertheless, it's the first of hopefully many more offerings to this site. I gave the story 4 stars because I thought the ending lacked the realism of the first six pages. Shallow people, like Kathy, usually don't ever realize their mistakes. They spend their lives blaming others when something goes wrong. It may be a little picky but that's my comment.

I really enjoyed this submission. I could really feel for Tom through the first part of the story. His pain and heartache was superbly captured by the author. Kathy's "decision" to cheat is pretty well explained as well.

Kathy seems incredibly selfish, as most cheaters are, but given her obsession with her first love, it seems she is easily caught up in the fantasy and blind to the truth of the situation. She hurts her husband terribly, after promising him and his cousin that she wouldn't (how can anyone make such a promise?). Karma catches up to her and she is left alone after her dream man turns out to be anything but.

I'd have liked to see more of Tom's point of view during the middle of the story. It seems he jumps from being heartbroken, to dating (probably not Grace, as she would have been recognised), to getting married, without any transition. The story also ends somewhat abruptly, with Kathy finally "realising" what she lost and bemoaning her self- imposed fate. I have to wonder if she would have done so had her "fantasy man" turned out not to be a jerk. I doubt it, but it worked out well for the plot.

Overall good first effort

Loved it.

Very powerful inaugural submission to LIT! I liked Hubby's reasoning about letting Sweetie pursue her heart, even if it was rotten! Hubby does come across as TOO good, and Dr. Bull is too obviously evil! The advice about reviewing and editing is valuable.

The time-warp leaps in the story line were awkward, and gave away the 75% point of the story way too early, IMHO. If the warps are deemed necessary, try putting dates (dd/mm/yy) before EACH discontinuous segment.

4.4 = 4*

You're one of the best new writers to show up recently

Very powerful writing, very clearly you can feel the story from the perspective of the actors.

Well done.

Excellent, you did not change your characters to fit an ending. Such as mikoli. I laughed when I read his inept criticism. If spelling and grammar were his ONLY issues. LOL

I found your story very entertaining, and truly enjoyable. Superb plot, and the use of songs a novel way to show the emotions of your characters. The colors of the boxes another fantastic foreshadowing plot device. there was another writer who used ring tones. Remarkable imagination, and skill.

Outstanding for a first attempt. Outstanding

A solid five stars.

Mikoli and jezzaz can learn a lot from you.

*****

An old concept that you handled very well......Look forward to more from you.

You NEED an editor! One of the most obvious and repetitive errors was your use of YOUR every time, when the majority should have been YOU'RE, learn the difference.

Also its Bob Seger, not SEEGER

...you might want to take notice of how well this story was constructed. Don't mistake quantity (yours) over the superior quality of this first story. The author here does what you have yet to do... entertain me.

The wife pining away for the old love was written very well and her behavior was believable. What is not believable is her admitting she made a mistake - a woman as selfish as this one would blame her troubles on every body else. Good story, though.

Kathy doesn't make any sense. The story treats this as if she were completely clueless about the effect she was having on Tom, as if she'd never been in a relationship where she'd been cheated on herself. And yet the whole backstory with John centers around the fact that he not only ditched her for college, but CHEATED on her as well, and you made it a point to tell us how much she cried and was upset about it. Yet she's oblivious to the effects of what she's doing on others? Sounds like a lot of misogynistic bullshit, yet another contribution to the notion that all women are dumb cunts who deserve to be cheated on because they don't actually understand what cheating means and how hurtful it is until they do it to someone else. Either a dumb cunt, or a conniving cunt like Grace who doesn't have the decency to treat a human being who is in emotional pain as a human being rather than dead meat for a vulture to swoop in on. Yeah - I did read exactly what you wrote into that conversation she had with Janice right after the woman served the papers. No doubt she was right on his doorstep, legs spread, despite the fact that Kathy had just ripped his heart right the fuck out. Women like that are dumb sluts with no respect for other peoples feelings, and his marriage to her is as doomed as his marriage to Kathy.

Incidentally, using songs as a substitute for real communication is not a romantic gesture and shows a great deal of disrespect for a relationship, as a song will never ever tell someone who much your feelings really mean to someone. It's like hiring someone to tell your spouse how you really feel.They may be able to get some of the emotion right, but they are not you, and they cannot express your real feelings, only a sliver of them.

Had Kathy not actually been cheated on before by the man she's supposedly in love with, and had her new loving husband been such an emotional shut-in, with his second chance woman being as dirty a slut as the first wife, it would have been easier to like this story. Three stars.

Great effort - really enjoyed it. I was waiting for the cuck factor to click in . Glad I was disappointed. Keep up the good work.

You did ramble a bit. I think with some editorial advice you could have got it down to 4 pages. It would have been an easier read and made more sense.

Very well written. While some might think you were rambling, you actually did an outstanding job of reflecting this woman's thoughts as she realized all that she lost. That's called good storytelling. Beautiful. Five stars.

Travis Tritt wrote and sang that song...nice story and good effort. Keep writing!

A sad tale that took 7 pages to tell the story. To be fair the story was well written and emotional torment for the main characters.

We really did not get much detail about John, even though he is a little arrogant shit !

However Kathy was so stupid that she had no idea what kind of pain she was putting Tom through.

There is nothing new or original about the story, just another stupid, hypergamous, self centred, cheating woman. And humiliated husband who was not appreciated, used, cheated on who then moved on with his live.

Practice more. Get a style manual.

Hubby was perfect.

Wife was stupid

John was evil.

This is a bit trite, but not bad for a first story.

I Love A Happy Ending!!!

Welcome to Lit.

I truly enjoyed it. As for the anon, who said it was Travis Tritt, you are a twit. I told you so, was on Randy Travis' very first album, and one of his first big hits.

Great first effort and a damm well written story overall. FD45 is right in a way that hubby was just too perfect to be real. For the most part he came across rather wimpy in how after all the shit the slut put him through he still kept giving her chance after chance after chance just to get shit on yet again. Even at the end when he puts doctor dickwad down like the little bitch he is, it was never done for him but his for slut of an ex-wife. A tad more self respect was needed imho.

Wifey never even once considering how big a scumbag John was and how he treated her in the past also seemed off. I loved the format of the fool going over all her many mistakes and all while hubby is currently in the process of getting married to a much better woman.

Excellent story line and characters.

I was captivated by your story. To be honest though, it was more as much to see if you would have Tom take her back. I'm guessing you'd have given that away if you would have mentioned who he was having dinner with that night. Was he a wimp? No, simply very shy. People who aren't shy in this way cannot understand why he would act the way he did. Even through all of the courting and "presents" in the back of his mind he was waiting for the other shoe. He would feel like he never deserved her and when he could see it dropping he continued to fight in the best way he could with more presents saying things in a way he felt most at ease. My guess, in some type of back story, either music or lyrics were an important part if his life and he could see ways of expressing his feelings in ways he couldn't or unable to do otherwise. The fact he was willing to forgive her, even after moving out shows the depth of love AND lack of self-confidence. The saying goes that the best revenge is a life well lived. I do appreciate showing John for the coward this type of person is. Leaving his manhood intact was more true to life than justice but that's okay too. After all, a fictional castration still leaves a reader wanting, doesn't it? ;-)

TornadoTys--since I don't see you contributing to the story archive I'm not sure why you're complaining about a tired storyline. Perhaps your name is really John.

Anondiot, well that just about says all I need to about your comment...songs CAN be a way of saying what you need in a way you can't.

Mikoli-Really? Really?? You complaining about grammatical errors in a story is comical, absolutely comical.

Please keep writing. Some say that the husband was to perfect in the story, but there were many flaws. He wasn't perfect. This scenario is very realistic, I experienced something very similar in my own life, suffered the anguish of the husband. The irony of how shallow the wife is was well developed, including when she thanked the husband that she was going to start seeing him again while she was thanking him for 'stopping' the abuse. As if the husband didn't have a say in the matter, or a choice. She didn't get it. The fact that he was a very accomplished mechanic, as well as skilled business owner, but the story didn't revolve around vintage Mustangs helped push it to 5 stars.

@looking4it

my take on the bar scene, is that the women Tom was having dinner with was not Grace due to the fact neither of the sluts two friends commented on it at all which would be a pretty big plot hole. I read it as Tom was moving on with his life and dating again.

Yes, people are right this is an old story, probably the Greeks did it first, but is a new and well-wrought setting. Five stars!

The woman in the bar scene was not Grace. If it was surely the girls would have recognized her. Perhaps this fine writer could write a comment to let us know if that woman was or was not Grace.

I did not care for the woman chastising him publicly, but one could think it helped bring him back to who he was.

And Mikoli, what a lot of nerve you have critiquing a story on grammar and spelling, how hilarious. This writer is heads and tails better than you will ever be on your best day. He says more with one sentence than you do with one page, and he doesn't change his characters abruptly either. So physician, heal thyself.

well written, and most of all very believeable.

I was starting to worry about the ending but you did fine. What she did to Tom was beyond the pail . Goes back with a loser who dumped her before and gives up a dream guy for what. She got what she deserved and found out the grass is not always greener on the other side. Please keep writing for a first story that's was great.

Great first effort putting your own take on a familiar story. You made the reader really feel for Tom and his pain. Looking forward to more of your work!

but she got everything she deserved. 5 stars

Enjoyed this very much, the use of multicolored boxes and songs added nicely to your tale.

While an old story for sure, you did a fine job spinning it your way.

I look forward to more.

Thank you,

M1*****

....really enjoyed reading this one, although it might have been a bit shorter.

I rated you 4* because the end came too surprisingly; Please pleasure us again.

Of course that's the answer - just hit her......

When I went back and read the "date" section I know it is a stretch that Grace was there but in all honesty it is still possible. It was after Grace received contact information, it never says they don't know her simply it's another woman, she "chastised" him which means she might know some backstory, and it would be to the story's eventual plot reveal to keep that part secret. I believe it to be plausible and in order for a new wedding to happen in the timeline it might be likely their relationship had begun by then. Perhaps I'm giving too much credit to the author/story. C'est la vie.

First off the asshole John hitting his wife because she caught him cheating was reprehensible. Fucking prick. The violence aside, the second thing is the fucking cheating cunt Kathy got everything she deserved. She should live alone in pain.

I hate cheaters and I hate husbands who beat their wives.

First story I have given a 5 star rating. I hope you'll write more.

Good job, please write more.

I know this is fiction but if you were real and standing before me - I would strangle you! I have been a "John" once in my life and know exactly how that feels.

I've been in Tom's shoes before. It may be fiction, but at least he found a second chance at happiness.

Really pulled me into your story. Glad Tom didn't take her back. She got what she deserved.

All Grace had to do was wait, She knew right from the first===== SMART GIRL

Pls write another one

I gave it five stars and I don't give out many ratings that high. I sometimes skip read when I get a little bored but I read every word of your story.

The story showed a lot of thought and attention to detail. How long did it take to write it?

Good advice from FD45.

Get yourself a good grammar and spell checker and have someone carefully read the story carefully looking for words that are out of context. Spelling and Crammar checkers can only do so much.

Your characters are well drawn. Kathy is a throughly "self absorbed" person. When she tells her story it is loaded with self pity. She never thought of anyone but herself and it really shows. John is another "ME FIRST" person that unfortunately the world is over-populated with. Tom is a little too naive but he does grow up in the end.

I liked it very much. Please continue to give us more of your fine efforts.

Billy Lines

These women always throw away the good guy for the ass hole. I dated a lady for a long time and she dumped me for her former boyfriend. He was a drunk, but she like, a lot of women though she could change him. Well, he beat the shit out of her a few times. Ended up in the hospital a few times, now walks with a cane. He is in jail and the dumb woman visits him in jail. Women are just fucked up in the head.

I loved your story! Thank you for sharing it with us!

This story is AWESOME!!!

Please we want more samples of your incredible talent!!

a very special story

Vanderdecken

Fantastic. easily one of the best short stories I`ve ever read. You Have a great writing style that grabs and immerses the reader immediately. Keep Writing, and only ever read CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. I look forward to reading more of your stories.

I`ve read some of your stories. Ever hear the one about glass houses and throwing stones? We can all claim to write,hell, I wrote my name on a check only yesterday. That doesn`t mean I get the right to ride roughshod all over someone`s first story and writing stye just because I think I`m some writing God in my own mind!

And to SVG1

I agree with you wholeheartedly. ANY story that doesn`t revolve around classic mustangs, and descriptions of their engines and paragraph long descriptions of the dust caps on the tyres is already off to a great head-start!

I enjoyed reading your story! I hope you will take the next sentence as a helpful hint and not a criticism. When someone wants to indicat "no", they shake their head no; when someone wants to indicate "yes", they nod their head yes. Again, thank for your story and I am looking forward to reading future stories from you. Gratefully, Irishgentleman

Very true to the heart of the matter. Her heart and mind always belonged to another. She wanted to be the wife of a successful doctor not some blue collar grease monkey. Sadly, the story is true to many marriage failures. I have yet so see any of them, I have witnessed try to reconnect. The real pain is too much. Finding both in his marital bed and of course Kathy knew it from the broken CD and flowers. I cannot imagine how selfish a person can be, expecting all to be sorry, and forgive and forget. Leaving the house as she did, bags and all. and Tom yanking her wedding rings off her finger and tossing them away. What kind of woman would think all would be right in the world to come back to her old relationship and start over. I feel that her friends betrayed her the most, all knew of Tom and Grace's wedding plans and relationship, yet they allowed Kathy to simply act like a fool, with the calls, and texts and emails. To find out a good man once in her life was moving on permanently, I can see why she left her old job, not because of the looks, but the fact a co-worker married her ex husband, a true gem and gift. If I were a friend, I would say to Kathy, move away and start fresh. Very nicely done please continue writing such stories. You are a worthy author.

While the style itself wasn't bad, the story felt flat and overdrawn. The plot was very predictable and read more like a soap. I feel if you shortened it the tale would be much improved.

The adulterous spouse story is fairly basic. When someone creates a story that has new and different elements which color the basic story with a very poignant side, the author is to be commended. 5*

did I miss this one?

Well done fine tale

to long and drawn out. 3 stars

Too long for the predictable story line. I found myself skimming through to get to the end. Not sure if this writer has an editor but if so, he needs someone else that can catch the typos and assist with the unbelievable parts.

Bill1104

Read it for a second time. Before I read your new story.

I confirm 4*s because of plot, characters, and the overall emotional impact.

I feel the same as when my wife asked me to watch a chick flick with her. And I enjoy

it!! The usual LW cheating and hurting. It's your ability to draw us,reader, into the

story that makes it special!! Good ,very good.

With practice and an editor the technical issues will go away.

On to your second story.

I must mention ,last time thanksgiving, this time Valentine's day. On purpose or coincidence adevilru12 ??

AMerryMan

Not been in any fights, apparently. This description :"his thumb curled under his fist between the first and second knuckles of his left hand." is a recipe for how to break your own thumb on the first punch.

I enjoyed your story...

Too convoluted.

I think you could have cut a couple of pages out of it and made it a little more readable.

3*

And too predictable. But why you had her wallowing around I don't understand. She played, she paid and now it's time to move on. Pick up the pieces. She's not that old. Get some professional help if necessary. Not a badly written story but if could have been a little shorter and still gotten your ideas across. And I felt it was kind of gutless for Tom to send Grace and Janice to do his dirty work. Pick up the phone, stop by the office, answer an e-mail. It was his responsibility to tell her the truth and not hide behind the women's pettycoats.

This story is a good read with an enjoyable plot, but so many small problems - like the dozens of wrong personal pronouns used - made it difficult to immerse oneself in the story. I admit to being a bit more strict about the quality of one's writing than most people, so you may take this criticism with a grain of salt.

First of all, I really enjoyed this story and like all good stories, I didn't want it to end. So the length did not bother me. As to the grammar mistakes, everyone should lighten up-it is a free site for amateurs. As constructive criticism, let the author know but you don't have to get nasty about it. A good editor would help.

I know most of the grammar rules, etc. about writing, but what I don't have is the imagination to write something like this. The way this author used songs to convey Tom's feeling was very interesting and imaginative. I was worried as I read that he was going to take her back, which for me would have ruined the story -"in my opinion". I like stories that have the cheaters suffering their consequences and the innocent living happily ever-after. I hope he keeps writing and I will keep reading his stories.

I really thought over all that this was a rather sad story. A story of love where no one really won. Love can be so psychologically irrational and that is what makes this story believeable.

George in Omaha

Keep it up.

This was pathetic and long drawn out story. It didn't create any real interest or drama it just went on and on, with song after bloody song. The song idea was good at the start but it soon got boring and added unneeded length to a bad story. The author didn't even try to deviate from the boring boy meets girl, girl still love old flame, girl leaves boy for old flame but it doesn't work out and girl realizes her mistake and wants boy back. A pathetic and long drawn out story. Oh well I am sure the soap opera crowd will lap it up.

...and a good one, to recreate a slice of human life;sad, pathetic and sometimes painful. No there is no convoluted plotting, no dramatic denouement, no sting in the tail, just what our lives consist of - a series of events large and small.

O'Henry is dead, people. Ambrose Bierce is dead. Appreciate what you have got - a good piece of storytelling.

In no particular order:

* The first time my date tried to tell me what I should do to help an ex like Kathy would be our last date. That level of arrogance tells you everything you need to know about where THAT relationship is heading.

* "Fighting for her " ?? Are you high ? That's not love, it's the infatuation of a doormat. When she says she wants someone else, the two words she needs to hear are "good" and "bye."

I'm all for romantic gestures when you're actually together, been married 26 years to my best friend and still get flowers for her for no particular reasons. But reciprocity is the hallmark of any good relationship -- if your spouse wants to leave, show them the door already.

I liked the writing, and look forward to more with a characterization I can respect more.

but would have been perfect if the cunt killed herself at the end. She deserved everything she got!

you put a lot of thought and effort into finding just the right play list for your story.

too bad it was such a sad saga.

kind of drawn out, but understood.

There are not many stories on here that have made me cry. This one did.

Foolish, foolish girl.

Thank you.

Peachy Wife

At least John didn't cheat on HER in their bed!

What she should have done, as soon as she decided she was going with John, was to tell Tom right away and leave then.

There was no need to wait the two weeks till John closed on his new place, she could have stayed with him at his hotel.

And for her to ask him to take her back NOW, after John has beat the shit out of her, after refusing his offers to take her back earlier, is the height of arrogance.

The bitch got less than what she deserved.. More beatings and humiliation should have come her way. If adultery is not a crime than neither should beating a cheating spouse

The cd's were getting kind of old by the end.

The fact that he kept on going to all the trouble to burn CD's was incongruent with the author's storyline, which clearly was saying, "he's over her, and moved on with his life."

I understand the tongue-tied situation that led to the first CD's, and the romance behind the idea of the anniversary CD's, and even the raw emotional time of the breakup, because words were failing Tom during those stressful times, but what makes no sense is the continued consideration necessary to burn the CD's when he supposedly was over her and didn't have to be careful in expressing himself.

The author carried the CD theme way too far to make this credible. Instead, it has become an exercise in over-the-top emotionalism, which needs an edit and a rewrite.

Got it right in one. This is a man who did three tours two of which were in combat. They say love is blind and to an extent it is but Kathy was just stupid.

He was a dweeb. She was a Jerk. Those songs were annoying. The boxes were confusing and annoying. The jumping back and forth in time was annoying. One star.

A very commendable debut for a new writer. Although many may criticize the use of too many flashback memories and disjointed segue from flashback to reality, it was a good effort and we hope the author will hone his writing skills progressively with help from a good editor. I will give three stars and a plus.

I gave your story a 5 for the quality of the story. But you really should get a proof reader to eliminate all the misspellings and grammatical errors.

And regardless of the blatant editing weaknesses, this is still a "5", with no apologies at all to the "haters" out there. It is an interesting concept to use music as a backdrop and tie-in to a bad situation.

A note to "anonymous":

Grow a pair. Admit who YOU are when you make negative comments about someone else's writing. At least THEY (in this case, adevilru12) had the balls to actually WRITE something.

Yeah. Here's the thing: those who write, write. Those who cannot, criticize. Oh, I'll give

CONSTRUCTIVE criticism

with the best of them. But until and unless YOU have written AND suffered the slings and arrows, leave the writer alone. You don't agree with the concept? Don't read it. You don't like the literary device? Suggest something you think would work better. "One star" because you personally dislike the content? GROW UP. Or become "John" lying behind a bar somewhere in pain wondering why people would do such a thing to "anonymous" people. Oh, and move out of your mother's basement and meet a real woman, okay? The world anxiously awaits this important development in your stunted emotional growth.

Good concept. Needs a competent editor. 5 stars. And note this last part:

Brendan (shadowjack17@yahoo.com).

NOT "anonymous. Just saying.

The only annoyance I had was that even with the turn of events, Kathy was just too stupid.

Great telling, really enjoyed the plot and build up. Believable and Intriguing characters with appropriate flaws. Didn't care for the fact Tom didn't stand up for his own property and kick them out of his house, but it worked well for the story.

Thank you and please keep writing!

just quit with the annoying CDs and burn the bastards. he is a pussy for not letting go of her faster.

for what it was. She was a stupid, stupid bitch and didn't deserve anything good. And those two bitches that followed her around at work, especially the old one. What right did she have to stick her twice divorced nose into his business? She was hateful to him and she was arrogant in all things, not hard to see why she couldn't keep a man. As for her closest friend, how long can you make excuses for someone who is a total fuckup, even to yourself. Didn't like the story all that much, but wasn't badly written and could have been the real deal about some guy who had such a low opinion of himself that he put up with all kinds of shit just to have some pussy. Don't quit writing, your second effort got even better. Thanks

excellent writing.

Good story of a guy that loved and tried his best to keep his wife.

She didnt really love him and only wanted him back when she had no one else.

Good job.

why were rose and lisa trying to get them back together? i mean she got married to the guy she loves...why did rose wanted her EX to help her..that was the only weak part in a otherwise fantastic read. :)

What a great story, well written and constructed.

I am off to read some more by this author.

Fantastic story. Very moving, very enjoyable.

toooo long...

what you cant express vocally, still dont matter. TK U MLJ LV NV

rambling closet-cuck bait

don't believe the asshole of LIT! This fool doesn't even read the story he hates LE because they remind the fool of his ex wife.

VERY GOOD STORY 5*

I enjoyed this story. Good work. Please keep them coming.

I hope Kathy got a gun and killed Grace and Tom then moved away to start her life again, satisfied she had taken care of business.