All Comments on 'The Vampire Inside Ch. 02'

continue thine ventures with all speed!!! lmao.

I'm never sure whether authors here are merely interested in conveying a story or actively seek to improve their literary talents. You have a worthwhile storyline in which you are investing time and effort but it may prove worth your while to study some basic grammatical grounding before you go much further. You've written most of this chapter in the past tense but for some inexplicable reason you have given the vampire's speech in the present tense. It doesn't work. If you want to make your story more edgy and immediate then make everything present tense (a tense in which it is much more difficult to write well) but it may be better to just make everything past tense so you don't have to worry. You may also find it interesting to explore the use of the vocative case so your punctuation doesn't go awry.

It also seems as if you are trying to achieve an ancient feel to the vampire by giving him phrases from the past using "thou". If you're going to do this, please use the correct verb endings which go with thou, such as thou shalt, thou wast, etc. i.e. do some basic research on grammatical forms before you publish a story. Otherwise, by using thou with modern verb endings it sounds as if they are a member of a fairly modern Quaker or Mennonite sect where thou is a term of endearment.

You might also wish to seek an editor to pick up some of your spelling issues (chocking instead of choking) and think about excessive use of adverbs and adverbial phrases.