The Way It Should Have Been

I can feel the tears running down my face and I want to stop speaking, but I can't. My words just keep coming and coming and coming.

"Then I ran... straight into Christian's arms. I screwed his brains out in an attempt to regain my sense of self but you wouldn't let me have that would you... you ruined sex for me with just your lips... and if that wasn't enough I found I couldn't love anymore. Not Jericho, not Christian, not anybody. You ruined me! You turn me into this... this empty shell. You made me feel dead inside... like nothing could ever make me happy again... because the one thing that's made me happier than anything else was nothing but a fucking joke..."

I look at her, staring into those eyes that have haunted me for so long.

"Are you happy now? Are you happy now you've ripped it out of me? Of course you're happy... this is a big fucking joke to you... so go ahead... laugh... make fun of me... call me a dyke... tell the whole world Trish Stratus is a fucking lesbo... I don't care anymore... I just want to curl up with my misery and live out the rest of my existence sad and alone. Congratulations Lita... you won. I've been defeated before, but no one has ever broken me like this before. Well done, now if you'll excuse me, I've got some sleeping to do."

I don't even bother to turn off the light, I just lay down and become lost in crying, all my pent-up emotion falling out of me like a river. After a while I feel a pair of arms wrapped around me.

At first I'm so messed up that I can't even tell who it is. Like it could be anybody else. I know this is just another part of her big joke but I don't care. It feels so good to be in her arms I just let myself be fooled into thinking she cares about me... even if it's only for a second while I cried.

Eventually I ran out of tears and I lay there... waiting for her to say something.

Lita's POV

"The bathroom's free."

I hear Trish mutter as she walks around to her side of the bed.

As she does so I turn my attention to getting my wash bag and night clothes together and head into the bathroom.

Once inside I put my wash bag and night clothes down onto the toilet seat lid and walk over to the shower and turn it on. I also notice that there is no bath which doesn't bother me at all due to the fact that I consider Baths to be fun but only if your not taking them alone if your on your own I don't see the point in taking a bath people say that they are relaxing but I find a nice hot shower more relaxing than laying in a bath all by yourself. If your with somebody else in a bath you can have some fun.

Once the water in the shower is just right I strip down to my birthday suit grab my soap and flannel and climb into the shower cubical and let the water first cover my body once my entire body is wet I then start to use the soap starting with my arms and upper body while I am doing that my mind goes back to Trish's song which I was just listening to or rather a particular part of the song which keeps playing over and over in my head.

"Got a fellin, that it`s time, To make a change.

Got a feelin` That things, Can`t stay the same,"

As I wash the soap off of my arms and upper body I think about those lines and how I think that it is time me and Trish changed the way things are between us or rather I tried to change the way things are between us and that I don't know about Trish but I can't stand to let things stay the same.

Mind you this isn't or rather won't be the first time I've tried to change things between us from the time Trish turned on me to well I don't know exacterly when I stopped trying to find out why Trish turned on me all I know is that whenever I did try and talk to her Trish would never answer my questions.

As I start to soap up my legs I begin to think about how best to approach this however by the time I've washed the soap off of my legs and washed my hair I'm still nowhere near a solution to my approach problem.

One I am completely washed I step out of the shower get dry and dressed in my night clothes even though I hate them and the only reason I wear them is because Edge through out all of my other nightclothes and pretty much forced me to wear this.

I can remember the argument I had with him where I told him that I would just simply go out and buy new night clothes and he told me that if I did as soon as he saw them he would rip them up even if I was wearing them he would rip them off of me.

Once I am dressed in Edge's favourite outfit I brush my teeth and then pack up my wash things and heads into the main room where as I enter the main room I notice Trish reading a book.

I walk over to my side of the bed and put my wash bag away I then turn my attention to Trish who has now disguarded the book she was reading and is looking at me with her mouth open.

Evidently she is shocked my night-time attire.

"Edge used to insist I wear this kind of stuff to bed all the time."

I say feeling the need to explain why I am wearing what I am.

"I guess now were broken up I could stop wearing this stuff, but I got so used to it now I just can't sleep in a T-shirt."

I lie normally I would sleep in the nude but since tonight I am being forced to share a bed I thought it best to wear this rather than sleep in the nude. I didn't even plan on wearing this stuff the reason that I brought it with me was because I knew Edge would be at the Anniversary show and I was intent on going to his locker room and dumping this at his feet and telling him that his new girlfriend could parade around in it. Mind you the thought of Vickie Guerrero wearing this turns my stomach even more than the first time I saw myself wearing this.

"An besides, he threw everything else I had to sleep in away."

I add feeling that I have justified myself enough.

Trish doesn't say anything she simply continues to stare at me with a look in her eyes which is un-readable.

She then turns her head away with a disgusted look on her face.

"Slut."

I hear her whisper.

I secretly snigger to myself having known I wouldn't get any sympathy or understanding out of Trish.

"Prude."

I say back in reference to what she is wearing to bed which is something I would never have expected Trish to wear to bed not that I could ever see Trish wearing what I am but an extra large -shirt wasn't on my list of things I could or rather have imagined Trish wearing to bed in point of fact it's more the sort of thing I would have expected Molly Holly to wear to bed.

I chuckle to myself remembering how Trish once feuded with Molly and how she made jokes about the size of Molly's ass and yet now she's dressing like Molly would.

I watch as Trish turns over and reaches for the light which she turns off without even waiting for me to get into bed.

Luckily for me I am close enough to the bed that even in the dark I am able to climb in and once I am in I immediately turn my back on Trish and simply focus on trying to go to sleep.

Unfortunately my brain won't allow me to go to sleep it's too busy trying to get me to talk to Trish and try and find out why she turned on me and despite part of me feeling that given our current situation Trish will have no choice but to give me an answer another part of me feels that if I do ask Trish will find a way of not answering my question,

In the end I manage to convince my brain that I will try and get her to tell me tomorrow as I try and get myself comfortable in this less than comfortable bed.

"So, when did you an Edge break up?"

I then hear Trish ask me which surprises me due to the fact that I had expected us not to say another word to one and other until the morning.

"Shortly after I left the WWE."

I tell her.

Trish doesn't say a word.

"I ended it if you're interested..."

I add having a feeling that she probably thinks Edge ended it or she might have been about to say something along the lines of "Ah got bored with you did he."

However Trish didn't say anything she simply remained silent which made me wonder why the sudden question and now silence.

In an attempt to find out I decide to tell her a bit more about me and Edge,

"I never really loved him."

I say.

"An I know he never really loved me. That wasn't the point of our relationship."

I add.

Trish remains silent for a while.

"What was the point of your relationship?"

I hear her finally ask.

I smile a small smile glad that we're talking even though it feels a little weird for us to be talking in a civil way due to the fact that for the past god knows how long whenever we "talked" it always either led to physicality or always ended up with us shouting at one and other and threatening to get physical with one and other.

"Fun."

I say in answer to her question as I smile a small smile able to see her in my mind's eye imagining the type of fun that I am refering to. However my smile slowly fades as I decide to tell her the other reason.

"An to punish myself."

I say in a much quieter voice.

I feel the bed move which makes me think that Trish has turned over and so I slowly turn over and look at her although I can see her eyes I can't see her face so I have no idea what type of expression she has on her face.

"What do you mean punish yourself?"

She asks me.

"For what I did to Matt..."

I tell her plainly.

"I didn't love him either..........he was my best friend..........and he loved me..........and for a while that was enough..........but at some point I grew tired of it..........I try to make it work with him..........but he wasn't the one I loved and being with him just made me feel guilty..........then with Edge..........with him I didn't feel guilty..........but I didn't feel satisfied either..........but the abuse I got from him and the fans made me feel..........I don't know..........better..........but now it's out of my system and I feel better about myself. I've finally accepted that I can't have what I want...........I can't have love in my life and that's fine...........I tried to love Matt and I failed. I try to love others, even Edge at one point, but I've never truly been in love with any of them. I've never truly been in love with a man..........and the..........person I love will never love me back and for the first time in my life I feel like I can truly accept this and move on. I'm finally over it and right now I'm as happy as I think I will ever be."

I swallow hard unable to believe how easy it was for me to say all of this to Trish despite the fact that we have hated one and other's guts for months on end not only was it easy but I feel a great deal better now that I have finally said that and gotten it off of my chest.

At this point my brain tells me to ask her the question and I decide to listen to it however I'm not going to jump right in and ask her why she turned on me I'm going to work my way up to asking her that. An so I decide to bring up the subject of her current relationship status.

"So what about you."

I ask her taking a deep breath still feeling that if or rather when I do ask Trish will no doubt find a way to not answer me despite this bad gut feeling I press on determined to find out the answer one way or another.

"The last time we had a conversation which was even slightly friendly you were in love with Chris Jericho but you didn't feel you could forgive him for breaking your heart."

I continue on remembering how Trish told me that she didn't think she had ever felt the way she did about Chris which made me happy and yet at the same time it made me angry due to the fact that I wanted to be the one to make her feel the way Chris did and make her happy the way Chris did.

"What happened with that?"

I ask despite having been angry at Chris for making Trish feel the way I wanted to make her feel the one thing I wanted more than anything else was for Trish to be happy and I thought or rather it looked as though she was happy with Jericho but then the whole Christian thing happened and she never told me about it or why it happened.

I look at Trish and notice and feel a change in her demenour and watch as she turns her back to me as she turns over.

I decide to explain what I mean by my question of "What happened with that" as well as ask her the main question that I have been wanting to ask her and have asked her countless times before.

"It's just that a few days after that conversation you turned on him and aligned yourself with Christian and all of a sudden you won't return my calls and you start going out of your way to cause me physical and mental pain. An the moment I try and ask you about it you either slap me or yell at me. What was that about Trish? Why did you do that?"

I ask her unable to hide the anger I still feel towards having my best friend which is what Trish was and the pain at having the woman I love which is what Trish is turn on me and treat me like well shit basically.

Trish doesn't move a muscle

"Why Trish?"

I ask.

"Why did you turn on me?"

I add wanting to know even if i don't like the reason I want to know what made her turn on me the way she did.

Trish suddenly turns over and faces me.

"You know why!"

She snaps.

"No I don't."

I respond.

"That's why I'm trying to find out? Everything was great between us and then you start acting like an enormous bitch when I didn't do anything!"

I add.

Trish jumps out of bed and turns on the light.

"You didn't do anything! You didn't do anything? You did everything! You're the reason this happened! You're the reason I've spent the last few years in hell! You made my life miserable and you don't even care!"

I get to my feet able to see that Trish has been crying due to the tear stains running down both of her cheeks however right now I don't care she's accusing me of causing her to turn on me and saying that I was the one who put her through hell the last few years I was the one who made her life miserable when I've done nothing but try and get her to tell me why she turned on me.

"I made your life miserable? How did I make your life miserable?"

I snap demanding an explanation.

"You made my life miserable when you kissed me!"

Trish yells.

This takes me completely by surprise.

"I kissed her?"

My brain asks.

"When? I never kissed her..........except for that time before i won the title but that was in the storyline she'd been calling me the "Walking Kiss Of Death" and Vince wanted me to play on that by kissing Trish letting her know that the next career I planned on killing was her's...........but I have never kissed her."

"Trish."

I say swallowing hard.

"I've never kissed you."

I add knowing that if I had I would most defiantly remember it due to the fact that even though it was apart of the storyline I do still remember kissing her in the storyline and how much I wanted to go off script a little.

"Believe me you have."

Trish tells me matter of factly.

"Believe me Trish."

I say a tad angry that she is calling me a liar.

"I'd remember kissing you."

I say having no doubt that I would remember kissing her..

"The night before wrestlemania I came to you in your hotel room."

Trish says causing me to look directly at her.

"I was worried about what I was going to do about Jericho..........and I wanted to tell you about how Christian had been trying to get me to turn on Chris, but when I found you you were blind drunk."

Trish continues on as I stare at her and slowly start to see things happening in my mind's eye.

"I told you my problems anyway and you just stared at me for an eternity and then you kissed me..........and..........and..........I didn't stop you..........I didn't want to stop you..........you're lips were so..........soft..........and it all felt so..........right..........and you pushed me down onto the bed..........kissed me again..........and then you told me... that you loved me..........and then..........and then..........and then you laughed in my face like it was some kind of joke to you... like I was some kind of joke to you..........and then you passed out on top of me."

I simply stare at Trish having just seen everything she said happen in my mind's eye and yet having no memory of this happening before now.

As I look at Trish I can see fresh tears begin to run down her face and it makes me swallow hard.

"Then I ran..........straight into Christian's arms. I screwed his brains out in an attempt to regain my sense of self but you wouldn't let me have that would you..........you ruined sex for me with just your lips..........and if that wasn't enough I found I couldn't love anymore. Not Jericho, not Christian, not anybody. You ruined me! You turn me into this..........this empty shell. You made me feel dead inside..........like nothing could ever make me happy again..........because the one thing that's made me happier than anything else was nothing but a fucking joke."

I can feel myself wanting to cry due to Trish having gotten this so wrong due to me not only seeing or remembering what Trish has said but also now starting to be able to remember what I was thinking and how I was feeling that night. However I force my tears back behind my eyes and keep my tongue between my teeth

"Are you happy now?"

Trish then asks me.

"Are you happy now you've ripped it out of me? Of course you're happy..........this is a big fucking joke to you..........so go ahead..........laugh..........make fun of me..........call me a dyke... tell the whole world Trish Stratus is a fucking lesbo..........I don't care anymore. I just want to curl up with my misery and live out the rest of my existence sad and alone. Congratulations Lita..........you won. I've been defeated before, but no one has ever broken me like this before. Well done, now if you'll excuse me, I've got some sleeping to do."

An with that Trish lays down pulling the cover over her and I see her body underneath the cover shake and I hear sobs coming from her.

I slowly climb into bed and move up behind her and slowly wrap my arms around her waist and hold her have expecting her to do something however she doesn't do anything she simply lays where she is her sobs have stopped now and so has her shaking.

I take a deep breath knowing that it is now my turn to really open up my heart to Trish.

"I remember."

I start off by saying.

"It's weird but as you where telling me what I happened I remember or rather I saw in the back of my mind the events that you where saying play out. I also remember how I felt and what I was thinking that night.

I remember you telling me about how you wanted to forgive Jericho and move on with your lives together and yet at the same time you felt as though Chris deserved to feel what you felt when he broke your heart and you figured the best way on making Chris feel what you felt was by sleeping with his best friend."

I close my eyes letting the memories of how I felt and what I felt that night come back to me.

"I remember feeling sick and tired of hearing about Chris Jericho it was all you had been talking about for god knows how long. When you guys where together it was. Chris is this or Chris is that or Chris did this for me today or Chris said this.

An when you weren't together it was worse it was I hate Chris so much I wish I could just do this or Chris is nothing more than a so and so.

I was thinking about this when I was looking at you and I was also thinking about how much I wanted it to be me that you talked about constantly in a good way how it was me you wanted to move on with your life with and so in my as you put it "blindly drunk" state I decided to show you exacterly how I felt which is why I kissed you."

I slowly open my eyes to see if Trish is listening she hasn't moved part of me wonders if maybe she has fallen asleep and yet another part of me knows she is still awake I don't know how I know this but I know and so I decide to go on.