There Goes the Neighnorhood

"So that's why you became..." I began.

"A bitch," she finished for me. "Yep that's why."

"But why didn't you divorce him or leave him?" I asked.

"And do what or go where?" she asked.

"Anywhere you wanted," I said. "You're beautiful. You could do anything you want in life. And you're still only what...27 years old? You can do anything you set your mind to."

"Barry," she said quietly. "Everyone isn't the same. I had already done what I set my mind to and apparently I failed miserably. Life isn't all about looks and not everyone wants the same things. I don't have the drive that you do. I told you before. All I wanted was to be someone's wife and someone's mother. When I met Jay, I was a twenty-two year old waitress from a small town and with limited options. I knew that Jay was a player, I'd met lots of men like him who passed through town."

"I didn't fall for any of their lines, because I knew what I wanted out of life. I also knew what I didn't want. I didn't want to be another notch on some guy's gun-belt. I wanted a man who was going to commit to me and us. I wanted someone who would love me and only me. And I wanted to build a life and a family with that same man. I thought that Jay was him. I made him wait for a long time and promise to marry me before anything got started. We didn't even have sex until our wedding night and it was the first time I went all the way. My life started out so God damned good." She paused and started eating her bacon. I loved watching her mouth move and the dainty bites she took.

"Then you guys moved in," she said. "At first everything was great, we all got along and everything was going well. I'd told Jay in no uncertain terms that it was time for me to have a baby, or four. I'd started asking Kristy about it and she told me to be careful what I wished for, because having one changed your life. I left that conversation thinking she was the most selfish bitch in the universe."

"I went home and on the way there, I saw Jay go into your house. He looked around as if he was trying to make sure that no one saw him, and then he went in. I wondered what was going on. I thought that maybe you guys were planning another one of your stupid pranks. So I quietly followed him. When I looked inside your house, I saw your wife down on her knees putting her mouth on his...well you know." She shook her head and I saw tears in the corners of her eyes again.

"I had tried doing that for Jay, but apparently, I'm not very good at it," she said. "And the things that she lets him do, like sticking it in her...other hole. Barry, I loved that man so much. There is nothing that I wouldn't have done for him. But he never even gave me the chance. Some of the things they do are pretty disgusting. Did you know that she lets him pee on her?"

"Uhm, no," I said.

"Do you pee on her too?" she asked curiously.

"No, I'm just not into that," I said. "I guess I'm kind of old fashioned but that just doesn't seem sexy to me at all."

"So I'm not alone," she said. "But as crazy as it sounds, I'd have let him do that to me too, if he'd ever just asked. I guess there's also the fact that she just lets him slam it into her and just screams for more. Even when they take her two at a time she's asking for more. Sometimes they all get really excited and all three of them just shoot their stuff all over her and she licks it up. And they hit her and rub their things all over her face. It's just nasty. Maybe I'm old fashioned too."

"Anyway, once I saw that, I knew that Jay had lied to me. He promised me that his days of being a cheater were over when he met me and we'd settle down and have a nice life together. The first few days I was really hurt. Then I just decided to hurt him back. I stopped having sex with him then. But I guess I hurt myself more than I hurt him because he's still got your wife and they've gotten even more disgusting since then. All I got was madder and even more alone."

"I guess I'm just a stupid country girl," she said. "Because when I looked into Jay's eyes, I really believed that he loved me and that he meant all the things he told me. I really believed that I was enough for him." I squeezed her hand that had somehow entwined its thin fingers with mine.

"I guess we should just have a club for suckers then," I said. "My situation is remarkably similar to yours. I met Iris in college. I was on the track team and as I said, I was working towards the Olympics. I tried everything I could to get better. I even tried training with some of the other athletes. I figured that cross training with football players and sprinters would be a good thing. I'd gain some of their explosive power and speed and they'd gain some of my endurance. It actually did work and I also gained a few friends who were far more popular than I was."

"I was at the dorm of one of my training buddies when I met Iris. They always had all kinds of girls hanging out with them. Some of them were beautiful. They were the kinds of girls that normal guys just don't get a shot at. There were also some skanks there too. I really couldn't figure out then what a girl like Iris was doing there. It turned out that she was there to tutor a couple of the football players. We struck up a conversation and I found her to be a really nice girl. Of course, I wasn't stupid enough to believe that she was some untouched virgin, but I liked her."

"One of my buddies warned me about her, though. He told me to go and find myself a nice girl because Iris wasn't for me. He said that she'd started out as a tutor but she was as bad as the rest of the women there. And since she was a bigger girl, and not quite as pretty as some were, she had to do a lot more in order to get any of the guys to pay her any attention. He wasn't trying to hurt me, but as my friend he thought that I should know."

"I took his advice and never called Iris. I did date several nice girls for a year or so. They were just that, nice girls. Most of them were more popular than Iris. Most of them were also prettier. All of them were slimmer than she was, but not one of them made me feel the way that she had."

"I ran into her again the year I was going to graduate. I was studying in the library and she was working there. She came over to my table and re-introduced herself. I told her that she didn't need to do that or remind me of where we'd met, because I remembered her very well. She seemed to be shocked about that. I told her that I could probably recite most of the conversation we'd had that night and she was even more shocked when I did."

"We sat there talking in the library until it closed and then we went for coffee. She gave me her phone number again and told me not to wait another year before she saw me again. I was really torn because on one hand, she was a really special woman, but on the other I'd been warned. I called her the next evening and we stayed on the phone for over an hour. Finally she just asked me out. I think that my hesitation, told her something."

"She asked me flat out if I liked her and I told her without hesitating that I really did. She said that she'd actually believed that we had a spark between us. I told her that I felt it too. She told me that she was actually nearly starving herself to lose weight and I asked her why. She said that most of the guys she knew didn't really want to date bigger girls, but if I gave her a chance she'd get smaller because she really thought we had something. I started laughing and she hung up the phone on me."

"I called her right back and she hung up on me again. She turned off her phone so I left her twenty messages. The next night I went to the library and sat right in front of her counter. I told her that I wouldn't leave until we talked. She was really angry and I could tell she was just hurt. But she told me that she got a break at nine o'clock so come back then. When we spoke on her break she told me that I had five minutes because she didn't want to waste her entire break on me. I could say whatever I needed to tell her but after that I had to promise to leave her alone. I agreed and she said go ahead and give me your, "I'm a nice guy but I don't date fat girls speech."

"Then I started laughing at her again. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes so I grabbed her hand and told her that I thought that she was beautiful and really sexy just as she was. And she didn't need to lose a pound for me. When she heard that she just moved on down her list of reasons why other guys hadn't wanted to date her. I told her none of them were true either."

"She offered to just date me on the sly. We could always stay in at my dorm or hers and make sure no one saw us together. I asked her why the hell we should do that. She told me that it was so I wouldn't have to worry about having anyone see me with a fat girl. Even if I didn't mind her weight, I was probably worried that some of my friends might see us together. I just shook my head."

"Finally, I told her what my friend had warned me about. I explained to her that I was just looking for someone nice to call my own. I wasn't interested in someone who hung out with the football team or any of that. We had a long talk and she explained to me that she really wasn't into that. The problem was that she was a healthy girl with a healthy sex drive and she had to take what she could get. Most of the guys weren't like me. Her size was a big turn off for them. A lot of the ones who did like her, just fucked her and took her money or used her in other ways, but a shitty sex life was better than no sex life."

"She also told me that she'd much rather be in an exclusive relationship with one guy, but she hadn't had anyone who wanted to take her up on her offer, so she took what she could get."

"So we started dating and after we graduated we did all of the normal things. We met each other's family. We got engaged. We moved in together and we got married. Finally, we moved into the neighborhood and met the rest of you."

"So what happens now" she asked me. "I mean in my case, I enjoy torturing Jay but I have no idea of what to do next. I guess that I was hoping that he'd come to see what he was doing was wrong and it was ruining our marriage. But with your wife available, he only needs me to cook and clean for him. He basically has the cheapest maid service in town."

"I haven't decided exactly what to do yet Aubrey," I said. "I need to think about it. I'm sorry but I'm a guy and in a case like this, there has to be some kind of revenge. I can't take this lying down and just let it happen, but I need to think about what I want to do. Just running up and punching Jay in the mouth might satisfy me for a minute or two but it isn't something that would make me happy long term."

"The same goes for the rest of them. They've basically destroyed a big part of my life. I wish I'd never moved into this fucking neighborhood," I said. She nodded.

"But at least we don't have to go through this alone," she said.

We got back into my Mustang and started the trip back home.

Despite what I'd been through, I couldn't help noticing that it was a really nice day. The weather was sunny with just a bit of the fall's bite in the air. After having a chance to vent with Aubrey, I felt a bit better. I still hurt like hell, but the edge was off of my rage. There was no longer the danger of me taking a baseball bat to Jay or any of the others. I'd also begun thinking of what I wanted to do.

As we drove back down the street, it seemed as if every eye was on us. Bart and Kristy were sitting on their porch and they began animatedly talking as we drove past. Wally and Deborah watched us too. Deb waved at us and Wally looked away. He started walking towards my house as we passed. When we got in front of my house, I saw Jay waiting on my front porch. I drove up the driveway and into the garage. Jay followed my car into the back. I got out and so did Aubrey. Iris came out of the back door just as the garage door closed. Aubrey hugged me hard and whispered into my ear that she'd see me later.

Jay's eyes narrowed and the set of his lips got a bit firmer as he saw the hug. I also noticed Wally heading up my driveway. "Barry," said Iris sadly. I ignored her and turned to Jay. Some of the rage I'd swallowed had bubbled its way back to the surface.

"Barry, I...I'm sorry buddy," he began. "We need to talk about this like adults and figure out how I can make amends for..." That was all he got out before my fist slammed into his mouth.

Jay went down like a bowling pin. He stayed there for a second and got up. He was shaky on his feet and bleeding from his mouth. Wally was shocked and Iris stood in the driveway holding her hand over her mouth.

"Barry," said Jay. "I hope that made you feel better. I guess I deserved that. We all do, but we need to talk about this." I turned back towards him. "I wasn't the only one, you know." He put his hands up like we were boxing or something.

I swung as if I was going to send a slow looping punch towards Jay's head. He raised his guard up and I dropped to one knee and punched him in the stomach as hard as I could. He folded up again and lay on the ground heaving as if he was going to throw up.

Iris followed me and so did Wally. I noticed that they left Jay on the ground. Just as I made it to the front porch, I heard Aubrey yelling over the fence to Jay who was still on the ground. "Jay, are we out of tanning oil?"

"Barry, please don't tell Deborah," whined Wally. I moved right past him and into my house. I went into my den and turned on my television. I found one of the endless NFL pre-game shows and though my eyes were on the screen, I wasn't watching. My mind was still focusing on my plan to get back at my neighbors.

I heard the door open and Iris stepped into the room. "Barry honey, we need to talk about what happened," she said.

"Iris, I'm not in the mood for you or any of this shit right now," I snapped. "Get the fuck out of this room before I hurt you."

"Barry, you hiding in here won't solve the problem," she said. "This may not..." she stopped in mid-sentence as I looked at her and left.

Thirty minutes later the door-bell rang. Iris answered it and someone knocked on my door. I didn't answer it. A few minutes later Bart walked in carrying a pizza. "Where are the guys?" he asked. "It's almost time for the kick off."

"Bart, if you don't get the fuck out of here I'm going to kick your ass off of your body," I snapped.

"Barry, we were wrong," he said. "We should have spoken to you about this a long time ago. It meant nothing to me. Our friendship means a lot more. So to even things up, I've arranged for you to have some time with Kristy. I'm not sure you know this, but Kristy and I have an open marriage and she likes you. That way, things are even between us."

"Bart, you have three seconds to get out of my house," I said. "I don't want you or your wife to ever come near me again."

"Oh, I see you've already picked someone else anyway," he said. "Good choice."

I looked behind me to see what he was babbling about and saw Aubrey standing in the doorway with a plate of chocolate chip cookies.

"I came to watch football with you," she said smiling. "Jay's in our bathroom trying to ice his lip and find something to soothe his stomach." She giggled a bit as she said it.

Bart looked at her as he went past. He smiled at her as if he was going to say something, but her icy glance froze him in his tracks.

She sat down on the couch near me with the plate of cookies between us. As the game started, I asked her what she wanted to drink.

"Milk please," she smiled. "It goes great with the cookies."

"But beer goes with football," I whined.

"Okay, then bring yourself one while you bring my milk," she laughed.

When I came back into the room, Iris was there again. She was saying something to Aubrey, who was ignoring her.

"No one has any points yet," said Aubrey as I sat down. "Which one is our team?"

"The guys in the blue and silver are our guys, the Detroit Lions," I said.

"Barry, we live in California. Aren't there any teams from California?" she asked.

"Well, there are the 49ers and the Raiders," I said.

"So why are the Lions our team," she asked.

"Who are they playing?" asked Iris. I ignored her and turned to Aubrey.

"I went to the University of Michigan to get my degree. I kind of got into the Lions when they were awful. They're on their way up now for the first time in over twenty years. I've stuck with them for as long as I can remember." I looked straight at Iris and said, "Loyalty is really important to me."

"I like their uniforms," said Aubrey.

"Who are they playing?" asked Iris again.

"They can't be playing me," I snapped. "Because you've already done that; you've been playing me for a fool for a long time now."

"But..." began Iris.

"Why are you here anyway?" I snapped. "I just want to watch the fucking football game in peace, get out."

"But she's..." began Iris again.

"My friend," I interrupted. "And she's invited. Get out."

For the next three and a half hours Aubrey and I sat on my couch with our feet up and watched the game. The Lions rolled over the Cowboys and Aubrey and I had a good time. When the game was over, before the post-game scoreboard show could even begin, Aubrey grabbed the remote and said, "My turn."

She went into the On Demand menu and found a movie. Surprisingly it was one I hadn't seen. And even more surprisingly it was a good movie. A relatively new Nicolas Cage movie called "Drive angry."

It was a crazy movie but very action filled and pretty good. We were running out of cookies and our drinks were gone. I went and got refills for both Aubrey and me. While I was on my way to the kitchen, I noticed that Iris and all of her co-conspirators were gathered in the living room.

"Barry," said Iris softly.

"What?" I snapped. "Are you guys going to start fucking again? Well don't worry, we'll turn the surround sound on and turn up the volume. You can just turn on a fan to get rid of the smell."

"Barry, your friends and I would like to speak to you when the game is over," said Iris softly.

"The game is already over. I'm watching a movie with the only friend I have and if you don't get your lovers out of my house, I'll shoot them all as soon as our movie is over. Besides shouldn't you be upstairs moving all of your shit into another bedroom?"

"Barry, don't you think we should talk about this?" asked Wally. "We all know that this was a really big mistake, but we've all been friends for so long. It just seems wrong to mess that up over one incident."

"You guys have been at it a lot longer than one incident asshole," I said.

"I already tried to make it up to you," said Bart.

"Bart, Kristy, isn't anywhere near attractive to me. She has no ass and no chest. Her lips are so tightly pinched together that I can't imagine her getting them around my dick. No thanks. Get out," I said.

Wally chimed right back in. "Barry we can work this out," said Wally. "I'll give you anything you want."

"None of you have anything I want. The only thing I ever wanted from any of you bastards was your friendship," They all looked down.

"Barry, a lot of the blame for this goes to Iris," said Jay. "You know how my sex life has been in the shitter for over a year. I couldn't help it. You know how I am. And Aubrey is just a bitch."

"She seems to be getting along pretty well with Barry lately," said Wally. "Maybe..."

"Unh uh," snapped Jay angrily. "Aubrey is not on the menu. My wife isn't a whore. If she dropped her panties half as quickly as Iris does, I wouldn't be doing this."

Iris angrily looked at Jay. "I'm not a whore either," she said.

"I'm not going to say this again," I said. "You three get out of my house. You're not welcome here anymore. After the divorce if Iris ends up with the house, you can come back, but until then get out."