There Goes the Neighnorhood

"Barry, we aren't getting a divorce," said Iris.

"Iris, just get your shit out of my room," I snapped.

"Barry, we need to talk about this," she said. "We need to calmly look at the situation and discuss where we go from here. I don't think we need to even begin discussing a divorce until we've exhausted all of our other options. I know that I was wrong, but one mistake doesn't..."

I went back into the room and sat down on the couch next to Aubrey.

"Jay still loves you," I told her. "He was very quick to defend you. Maybe you can still have your dream after all."

"Iris still loves you," she replied. "When you went to get my milk she told me to stay the fuck away from you, or else. So if our spouses both still claim to love us maybe we can both get what we wanted. I don't know about you Barry, but I've had a year plus to think about this. I think that in his own way Jay does love me. The problem is that if he can cheat on me so casually and for so long a period in time, that he doesn't love me the way I want to be loved. So in the words of Van Halen, I need to, "dream another dream, this dream is over."

"Same here," I said. "I need to really talk to a good crooked lawyer to find out how I can get out of this marriage with both my dignity and most of my assets intact. Normally I believe in the 50/50 split but she destroyed our marriage all alone. There has to be a penalty for that."

"We think a lot alike," she smirked.

"You like Van Halen?" I asked. We both smiled. We got up after the movie ended so I could walk her home. On her porch in front of Jay, Wally and Bart she gave me another one of those hugs.

"Stay the hell away from my wife," hissed Jay as I passed him. "What I did was wrong, but your fat assed wife came on to me. Barry, you have to understand. I've been doing without for a year. I had an entire fucking year without sex, man. So when I saw Iris..."

"Jay," I snapped turning to face him. He shrank back as he remembered the ass kicking I'd just given him.

"First if as you say, Iris came on to you and that made it right, then the same can be said for me. Aubrey is lonely. She deserves a friend, so I intend to give her one. Secondly, you really fucked up and this is all your own fault. You, Jay, fucked up everything for everyone because you started all of this. Aubrey stopped having sex with you because she saw you with Iris, not the other way around. She's known about you all from the beginning. If you hadn't stuck your dick in my wife, we'd all be friends still. You basically just traded your wife for mine."

He looked down.

"He was the one who dragged me into this," said Wally.

"But it didn't look like you were offering much resistance, from what I saw," I snapped. "And Wally, sooner or later, we're going to bring Deb into this. So you may as well start kissing her ass now, because I'm pretty sure she's going to divorce your ass when she finds out."

"So that's the deal?" asked Jay. "You want to swap wives. Because there is no way that I'd ever go for that. It isn't a fair trade. Aubrey is the most beautiful woman I know. There's no way this is fair, I'd never go for it."

"Guess what dumb ass," I said loudly. "Until I caught you guys, I felt the same way. If you'd just come out and said Barry, want to trade, I'd have laughed at you. Until this morning, I loved my wife more than anyone else in the world. There's no way I'd ever have agreed to share her or trade her. But we can't always have what we want. You fucked up my marriage, it's only right that you get hurt a bit too."

"You guys are talking like something out of the stone-age," said Bart. "Kristy and I fuck other people all the time and we're still together. This was just an experiment to find out whether or not you guys would like it. Now we know that you aren't willing to do it. So you guys patch things up with your spouses, then we patch up our friendship and we put all of this behind us, Okay?"

"No-Kay, Bart," I said. "You and Kristy don't really have what I'd consider a marriage. What you have is more like you're business partners or maybe roommates. When we have barbecues the two of you don't hug each other or kiss each other. You don't even talk about each other. You just share a house and occasionally fuck when neither of you can find someone else. Your marriage is pathetic. I really can't believe that you offered her up to me earlier today to save our friendship or your ass. I mean think about it. It's like you were pimping her out so I wouldn't be angry at you. Apparently I'm more important to you than your own wife. That's more than a little fucked up. Until this morning you guys were as close to me as brothers, but all of you together weren't nearly as important to me as Iris was. I lost the four most important people in my life all at once."

"But..." began Jay.

"No more buts," I said. "You guys wanted to talk. We've spoken. From now on don't ever speak to me again. You cost me my wife and my marriage, there's no forgiveness for that. So from now on you'll have to use someone else's house when you fuck her, because if I see any on you near my house, I'll shoot first and ask questions later." As I turned back to the house, I saw that Iris had been listening.

As soon as I walked into the house, Iris followed me. She had tears in her eyes. "Barry, you gave them their chance to talk, I'd like mine," she said.

I sat down on the stairs and looked at her. "I guess it's better now than after we get the lawyers involved," I said.

"Barry, I'm not going to make any excuses for what I did," she said. "I was stupid. I was wrong and to be truthful, I never expected you to catch me or find out. It was only sex and it was only in fun. You knew what kind of woman I was when we started dating. Maybe I downplayed it a little bit to try to convince you otherwise but you knew that I was a slut. I didn't start out to be that way, it was just what circumstances turned me into."

"We've been together for 6 years now and married for 4. This is the first time I've ever done anything like this. Can't I please have one more chance? I promise you nothing like this will ever happen again."

"Barry, you've always been free to choose whoever you wanted and go after them. For most of my life I've always been the fat girl. I had to put out just to get noticed, and even then I never got noticed the way I wanted to. So yeah, when you met me, and your friend warned you about me, he was telling you the truth. I hung out around the football player's dorms and a lot of those guys just fucked me whenever they felt like it. Most of the time they'd fuck me and then they could go out and act like gentlemen around the women they really wanted. Or if they came home after going out and not getting any, I was there. Sometimes I was there for two or three of them at a time."

"It wasn't what I wanted. No girl that I know ever grows up dreaming about being a slut. Men make us that way. We all start out wanting the fantasy, but most of us fall short. Even doing the things I did, I was still special. I was still a good girl in my head. Then you came around and made me want to be that good girl for real again."

"Barry, you made me quit doing all of that. You are everything I've ever wanted and more. You've always made me feel so special. I've always known how much you love me and you just keep bringing it home. What you just said to them about not trading me for Aubrey or for all of them made me realize again just how much you do love me and how much I stand to lose."

"For a while, before we moved here, it was you and me against the world. There was no one for me to compare myself to on a regular basis. Then we moved here and became a part of the neighborhood. Here there are only four couples to scrutinize. Barry, you're the hottest one of the husbands but I'm far from the hottest of the wives. I'm not even second or third. I was back to being the fat one. When we had barbecues or parties it didn't matter what I wore or how much I fixed myself up, I was always the least attractive. And I wanted to be looked at too. Jay is a fucking liar and a horn dog. He'll fuck anything that holds still long enough to get his dick in it. He started flirting with me a long time ago. All he really wanted was to get his hands on my tits. So I played it up. I started flirting back and letting him have glimpses of them."

"I know I shouldn't have done it, but God damn it Barry, I'm human. I want to be wanted too. Finally, I had something that not even his cheerleader Barbie wife has and he was dying for them. The next thing I knew he came over one day while you were out and was feeling me up through my clothes. Maybe he got me a little bit drunker than I should have allowed but the next thing I knew, we were fucking. A few days after that, Aubrey stopped talking to me and to him too. Wally and Bart got involved somehow and then they all started just using me to do things that they'd heard about but never done."

"For me it was like being back in my college days. Only this time I had the best of both worlds. On one hand I had you to love me and compliment me and just make me feel loved and cared for. On the other hand, it was like I never had to give up all of the wild fucking I used to get in college. Until this started happening, I guess I'd really thought that I couldn't have both. And when I thought I couldn't have both I chose you. Always remember that Barry, I chose you. But the last year has taught me that, like Bart and Kristy say, there's no reason why I can't have both."

"Until this morning you loved me and thought I was special. The way you look at me now hurts me more than anything. You're looking at me like I'm a piece of shit. I didn't do anything today that I haven't been doing for a long time. The only thing different is the way you're thinking about me and it hurts."

"I'd really like for you to consider this for a while. I'll always put you first. But I like being needed and in a way I like being fucked and humiliated. But again, our marriage will always come first. This is however something I'd like to explore. Maybe you could even join in. But Barry, if you say no I'll stop immediately. I don't want a divorce. I want us to be together forever. I want us to grow old and take visits to see our grandkids and all of those other corny things."

"I don't give a fuck what you want anymore, Iris," I said. "Right now, I can barely stand to look at you. I'm tempted to slap the shit out of you while you're standing there. I'm not even seeing you as a woman, let alone my wife. Women don't have balls as big as yours. To even stand there and ask me if you can continue to fuck all of our neighbors takes elephant balls. But to answer your question, just do whatever the fuck you want to. There's no saving our marriage. I'm not giving you permission to do it, but you're a grown woman, you don't require my permission. I, however, will not ever stick any part of my anatomy into that festering swamp you call a vagina, ever again."

"Barry, you don't mean that," she said. "I'll stop, I swear it. I'll set up an appointment with a marriage counselor. Please Barry, give me one more chance?"

It was brilliant. The whole counseling thing would give me time to put my plan into action. "Okay," I said. "Maybe counseling could help us."

"I'll start moving my stuff back into our room," she smiled.

"No," I said a bit harsher than I'd intended. "Maybe, if we get past all of this. But not until."

"Barry, that could take weeks, maybe even months," she whined.

"So fucking what," I snapped. "It also might not work at all. I'm not making you any fucking promises. We might still end up divorced but YOU brought this down on us. You had a choice between being the wife that I loved and adored or just being some fat slut. In my opinion you picked the wrong one. And listening to the way your lovers talked about you, are you sure it was worth it?"

"But Barry, can't we just sleep together. We don't have to have sex, I just need to be near you," she whined.

"But I can't stand to be near YOU," I said.

The next morning I woke and noticed right away that I was alone in my bed. At first I missed having Iris near me, and the sadness was nearly overwhelming until I reminded myself of why I was alone. My mind flashed back to the memory of her bent over my couch urging Jay to fuck her and my anger returned.

I dressed and went downstairs into the kitchen. Iris was there making breakfast. She had on one of my favorite nighties and had somehow forgotten to fasten the front. Her boobs swung free and unfettered as she cooked.

She turned as if she hadn't noticed me coming into the kitchen. Inwardly I laughed. Her actions and her motivations were crystal clear. I wondered when she'd become so manipulative. Apparently she just wasn't that wonderful, guileless woman I'd fallen in love with anymore. Maybe that wasn't it at all. Maybe she'd always been like this and I'd simply been too blind to see it. I laughed again, this time out loud. Only this time I was laughing at me.

"What's so funny, Honey," she smiled. "Is it something I did, or maybe something you saw?"

"It's nothing you did," I said. "And I've been trying really hard not to look at things after what I saw yesterday." She winced at my words, but tried again undaunted.

I grabbed an apple from the counter and she looked at me suspiciously. "So are you going to tell me what you were laughing at?" she asked. "I could use a good laugh too."

"I was just thinking that if you'd come downstairs dressed like that last week, I probably never would have made it to work," I said. She smiled hearing that part.

"That's not so funny," she said. "I think it's very nice."

"The funny part is you thinking I'd fall for it now," I laughed. I picked up my briefcase and headed for the door.

"Don't you want breakfast?" she asked. "I thought maybe we could talk."

"I don't have an appetite," I said.

"Well you're early, can we talk anyway?" she asked.

"I think we pretty much said everything I can stomach talking about yesterday," I said.

"But I had a lot of time to think last night," she said. "And I've changed my mind about some things." As she said this she stood directly in front of me exposing nearly a foot of deep cleavage. I smiled and stepped around her.

"Barry, we can't get past this if we can't talk," she said.

"I'm not sure I even want to get past this," I said. "I'm sorry if I'm not acting the way the version of me in your head did when you thought about this, but I'm a real person. I have my own needs and feelings and I have to act that way. So maybe you should stop trying to predict the way I'll act. I'm not going to be as easy to manipulate anymore."

"Barry, I don't want to manipulate you, I just want to make up for what I did. I just want us to talk about this. You won't get over it until we get past the hurt. We've always been able to talk about everything. Besides being married, we were best friends. Last night was the worst night of my life. I'm beginning to understand how badly I've hurt you with my dishonesty. I want to make it up to you, so we can move forward with our lives," she said.

I put my brief case and my apple down and turned to her. Then I started clapping my hands. "Great speech," I said. "You must've rehearsed it for hours. But Iris, this isn't just something you get over. There's no clock ticking in the background. It may take me weeks before I even want to see you again. It may take months before I can sit down and talk to you without feeling like I want to throw up. Or I might simply come home tonight and put a stack of divorce papers in your hands, I don't know."

"From what you said yesterday, just spreading your legs and fucking a roomful of guys was something you got used to back in college. I guess I thought that what we did was much more special than that. I really thought that there was something magic between us. Now I can see that I'm just another name on your list. Maybe I'm the one who pays for it all, but in the end I'm just another one of your lovers. And I'm the stupidest one, because not only am I the only one who didn't realize that it was only sex, I'm the only one who was dumb enough to love you and think that you were something special."

"But..." she started.

"But nothing, Iris," I said. "You ripped my heart out. Now I have to learn to look at everything I thought I knew all over again. It's a whole new world out there for me, Iris. I have to re-evaluate everything I see and do. I'm like a baby starting all over again from square one. And trust me there are going to be a lot of changes.

"But Barry, I already told you..." she began again.

"Iris, you no longer have the right to tell me shit," I snapped. My tone was becoming angrier the longer we spoke.

"Barry, nothing is different," she said softly. "I still love you with all my heart. I just slipped Barry. I'm a human being. I didn't do anything criminal, I just violated the rules that we live by. I was also dishonest with you in doing so. It's just like your God damned football games. One team violates the rules of the game so they get a penalty. They move the ball back half the distance to the goal and try again. A few plays later it's forgotten. The main thing that both teams want is still the same. They both want to win the fucking game."

I love you Barry. I LOVE you. And you're hurt right now but you love me too. It would be stupid for us to throw away everything we've built for one violation of the rules. Give me a penalty so we can get over this. Nothing is different. We're still the same people. There's nothing we can't get past."

"Another great and impassioned speech," I said. "This time you even managed to use football. But again, you're wrong Iris. I see EVERYTHING differently now. My job is different Iris. I'm about to go to the same fucking building and do the same fucking things, Iris. But it's different, because in the past I went there and busted my ass so I could get ahead and make a living for US. So you'd have nice things and be able to do what we wanted. But I'm just not sure that's important anymore so why should I bust my ass. And if I do bust my ass, why the fuck should it be for you?" I stared at her and she almost stepped back.

"I have to look at everything all over again, Iris. Ever since I left college, every single thing I see has been viewed with how it fit into our life as the measuring stick. Everything related to US, Iris. But if there's no US, then everything has to be re-evaluated. Everything is different, Iris. You're a different person than I thought you were. It's like MY Iris died and left you in her place. And I'm not sure I want you." Iris staggered over to the table and sat down heavily.

"This ISN'T just a violation of the rules in some cosmic football game, Iris. What you did wasn't a violation or an infraction. It was a devaluation, maybe even an invalidation, but not of the rules of some game Iris, of our marriage. What you've been doing totally invalidated our marriage. The reasons we got married simply weren't what I thought they were. Maybe they never were. So that leaves the question, why are we married?" Iris dropped her head to the table.

"Iris, you've tried to be mature and adult about this whole thing. I commend you for that. But you've said several times that you didn't actually do anything wrong. It's like you think that the only bad thing here was that you didn't clear it with me before you went out and started fucking our neighbors. I totally agree with you that a woman has the right to do anything she wants with her body, but when we got married we both agreed to follow certain rules. I think the preacher was calling them VOWS. If you didn't believe in them, why'd you agree to them? Find us a therapist fast Iris, if you don't we may not need one."