There Was Confusion

"Keith, I know you've suspected something was bothering me lately," Charlie started.

I nodded and she continued, "We always talk things through and that has made us strong. I really can't say why I've kept this to myself and it bothers me that I did that, but I have a chance to work in California on a pilot to a new sitcom and I've decided that it's something I am going to take advantage of. It is an offer I can't refuse."

I was gob smacked. I never really knew what that meant until that moment. Speechless wasn't good enough, surprised wasn't good enough, so gob smacked it was.

Finally I found my voice, "Honey, that is awesome. I know I'm committed through the school year but you can move out there now and I can join you when school is out. We'd have the summer to get settled and I can look for a job." I didn't need to see her face to know that there was a reason she had hidden this from me for so long.

"Keith, I don't think you should come with me. I have enough friends and contacts in the business to know what I'm going to have to do or imply doing that I don't want to put you through that kind of emotional strain. I love you as much as I'll ever love man but I cannot expect you to live that lifestyle and I can't afford to professionally have to worry how you will react to a situation," Charlie was really tearing up by this time.

"Dad and my brother Bill will be here shortly to help me pack. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. You will never know how sorry I truly am for leaving in this way."

We have never made a decision in our relationship that was even half this important without talking about it. She shut me out completely. I knew why. I knew she felt I would have been able to talk her out of going or letting me come and I also knew she didn't want to hurt me which is why she held onto the news and waited as long as she did. Not that any of that knowledge mattered. It hurt beyond belief and being shut out was more than I could handle.

"What the hell do you think you are doing? We've talked through every decision in our relationship that would affect each other. You selfish bitch! How do you know what I'm capable of handling? Just how far are you willing to go to make your career work? I guess I should be happy now, if you so willingly compromise your morals so easily in the future then perhaps you've already done that locally. Perhaps this is why you've blocked deeper discussions about marrying me. Wow, what a relief this is becoming." I was seething and I was hurting like never before...and, in turn, I wanted to hurt her back.

I know she probably expected this kind of reaction but it still hit her hard. She simply whispered, "I'm so sorry, Keith. I'll never be able to let you know how much."

She stood and moved to the door where her dad and brother were waiting. She had them ready to go when I arrived but wanted to talk to me first. I know they heard what I had said and they liked me well enough to know why I said it and that I truly didn't mean it in my heart.

They had her things loaded and were ready to go in less than 20 minutes. She looked at me and waited to see if there was anything else to say or do. I stood stoically, not staring her down or daring her to do anything, simply frozen in the mood. She gave a slight smile, a look of honesty from her eyes and mouthed, "I love you" before closing the door.

I was devastated. It took two years and moving to another school district before I even considered dating again. Trust took much longer.

-----

What I couldn't truly believe was that I had no clue Janice was carrying on at the conference and that she would even consider starting an affair, short or long term.

It was that trust level again. Once I had learned that not all women were going to leave me in the lurch I met Janice at the beginning of the new school year. This district starts each year with a full faculty gathering and an address from the superintendent with some type of motivational speaker to get everyone pumped up for the school year. This is typically a waste of time and money because at the beginning of school is not when teachers are down and need a spark. Halfway through first semester or as we approach testing times would be a better option but hey, making practical decisions is not what administrators are always known for.

I had developed a friendship with one of the district's fourth grade teachers. Nothing sexual, we were buddies. I had arrived to the meeting early and had a seat next to me. I was doodling on my iPad (okay I was playing a game) when Marge approached with a cute fresh face. Marge introduced her as Janice, a new 3rd grade teacher, and promptly sat her between us.

I got the hint and began some light conversation while we waited for the meeting to start. It turns out that we had quite a bit in common and I asked her out for coffee after today's scheduled meetings were over. Dinner seemed a little presumptuous for having just met but I felt like a nice conversation during an afternoon coffee could lead to dinner tonight or later in the week.

She agreed and we did end up having a simple dinner that night with an agreement to meet for dinner on Friday night.

Needless to say we did have a fairly quick courtship and were planning a wedding for June after school was out.

Trust.

We had what I had always considered a textbook marriage. We talked about everything, we had a terrific love life that was consistent, spontaneous and adventurous, we shared goals and agreed on beginning a family. We did discuss aspects of our sex life including fantasies that occasionally considered others in our bed. We really didn't have a preference for a woman or man, simply the nuances that would be associated with one gender or the other.

Naivety.

I hated to be hurt emotionally. Okay, who does? People have a tendency to block out things that could hurt or damage them. Is love blind? Certainly, at least in a way. We protect ourselves from that which could hurt us the most and can't fathom the person we trust the most letting us down the hardest. Janice wasn't able to get away with anything, I allowed her to do the things she did, act the way she would, and enjoy the moments she stole because I had no intention of seeing her for what she was, a self centered whore. Don't get me wrong, she made choices (bad, bad choices) but the surprise was due to my lack of vigilance. Making this decision to try a little something new on the side was a one-way decision just like Charlie. I was simply a trusting fool. I'm sure she will be telling me that it didn't mean anything, I wasn't missing anything or she didn't want to hurt me which is why she didn't bring up her "urges."

-----

While I was paying better attention to the road time still was a foreign concept to me. I realized I was about an hour from home and it was approaching 8:00 am. I knew I had to get some things in order to make sure my life and property were protected.

A stop to a building supply/hardware store gave me a chance to get some of the things I needed. Radio Shack was my second stop and the liquor store was third. It was early but urban/suburban stores are opening amazingly early on Saturdays. I knew the last store was not an answer but I also knew that when I had a chance to stop moving I was going to need a way to forget for a while.

I was really sure I had at least 12 to 24 hours to prepare. I was hoping that leaving her in an embarrassing situation with conventional ways of communication and a blind hope I'd forgive her would keep Janice from getting here too soon. I'm fairly sure Steve lived in the opposite part of the state, she was without cell phone and laptop and her family lives in another state. Pretty sure she would call my family as a last resort since she couldn't be sure what I had told them.

As soon as I was home I set to work. I knew if I stopped moving things would get ugly for me so I stayed as busy as possible. Locks changed, voice recorder installed, webcam set up in the living room, and suitcases unloaded...mine inside, hers out. I opened the box of trash bags and gathered what few boxes were in our garage and started to pack things that were specifically Janice's...at least in my mind. I knew there would be items that we would have to dicker over later but in all honesty, I doubted there was much that I would put my foot down over.

That is with the exception of the house. My house. And this time it really was mine not some emotional detachment of my marriage. I had purchased it the spring before I met Janice. Because of my self-imposed exile from dating I had actually saved quite a bit of money, even for a school teacher. There were few expenses outside of basic living and I had taken a summer job to keep my mind busy so my savings accumulated quickly. I had paid a hefty down payment on a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 car garage house not too far from the high school I taught at and I was able to pay down the mortgage pretty quickly. It was certainly in my name only, purchased before we even met, over three quarters paid for before the marriage and I would fight tooth and nail to keep it that way.

The funny thing is I knew I would sell it as soon as the divorce was final. Through no fault of its own I would never feel the same about it. What was our home was now a shell; a box holding items whose worth was dropping exponentially.

The phone tap and web cam were to record any conversations I, or anyone else, would have in my house. The locks were to keep Janice out unless she had my permission.

It is amazing about how much an average garbage sack can hold. Drawers, jewelry, closets and medicine cabinets emptied quickly; especially when you don't care in what way they are packed. Several opportunities to smile sarcastically as I threw handfuls of things haphazardly into the bags and boxes, gave me a little therapeutic revenge. Boxes and bags were stacked in the garage. When I was done I packed as much of that stuff in Janice's car as would fit and stacked the rest just inside the garage door with her suitcase and travel case. I knew she would be here eventually and I wanted no reason to let her in.

Sun had gone down and I found nothing else I could do. There was a bottle with my name on it and I guess it was time to open it...

-----

I expected to awaken to a pounding. With each glass of alcohol I downed I knew what the morning would bring and I also forgot a little more about my life and marriage. My hangover would be a welcome consequence, the headache and commode hugging would keep my mind elsewhere...

-----

There was a pounding. I opened my eyes and was confused with the fact I didn't wake specifically from a headache, nausea or other bathroom needs. There it was again, a pounding. I had to figure out why there was a pounding outside my head as well as in. I could hardly think straight enough to breathe right so it took awhile to figure out that it was the front door that was pounding. Well, someone was pounding on it.

I gathered my wits, much as I could, and figured out that I was still in my clothes from the hotel. Well, sort of. Soiled was an understatement.

More pounding.

I removed my clothes and found a pair of running shorts and t-shirt. I put on my bathrobe too and waddled toward the door.

More pounding and a voice from the other side, "Mr. Fredericks. This is the police Mr. Fredericks, please open the door."

I made it to the door. One breath. Two. Okay, okay...I better open before he knocks again.

I opened the door to witness a hand heading toward the screen door again. It stopped before knocking and the gentleman in the uniform said, "Mr. Fredericks?"

I nodded slightly. I think it was very clear by looking at me that I'd had better days waking up in the morning.

"Mr. Fredericks, we have a Mrs. Janice Fredericks here and she seems to be locked out of her home."

"Well officer, Mrs. Fredericks doesn't live here anymore." As I said that I heard a stifled sob to the right of the door.

"We understand that the two of you are still married, is that true Mr. Fredericks?" the officer asked.

"Simply a temporary situation due mostly to the fact it is a weekend. Come tomorrow morning, as early as possible, I will be fixing that little mistake," little less stifled this time, "and the moment you show me the law, and I mean the letter of the law, that tells me I owe my wife a place to live then I will open this door to her. Until that time, her clothes and basic belongings are packed in her car or set in front of the house. That includes her phone and laptop. Phone service, credit cards, auto insurance and similar things have been canceled."

The officer looked to his left, grimaced and asked, "Is that really necessary Mr. Fredericks?"

I simply replied, "Yes officer, without a doubt."

I shut the door and moved to the window. The officer was helping Janice move from the door toward her car. She looked a mess. Her hair was all over the place and I can't imagine where her clothes came from. I was torn. She deserved everything she was feeling right now and yet this was the woman I had loved so deeply. Compassion was quickly suppressed and I turned from the window, finding my way back to my—MY—bedroom.

-----

I was able to contact the credit card companies and cancel the cards we had together as well as her cell phone service. The car insurance was canceled as well and I did some online banking. Wow, the wonders of electronic access. I also found four divorce lawyers that were noted as the top in the area and they took online appointments.

Since moving here I never really looked at summer as anything more than time to prepare for the next school year. I will be making full use of tomorrow when it arrives.

-----

Morning came and I was better than the day before. My mind was still a shambles and I was depressed beyond belief. I had objectives today and I needed to get started. A shower and some breakfast. Clean set of clothes. Okay, I'm on my way out to meet a new set of "friends."

Can your lawyer be your friend? I suppose so but in reality I was looking for an advocate who would help me keep my dignity. I hope by contacting four that would reduce the pool Janice had to choose from. Okay, so I'm capable of being selfish too.

The long and short of the four meetings was that I would probably keep my house, but no guarantees. Since it was partially paid off while we were married then they could argue she owned some equity in it. We were close enough in experience that our pensions and salaries were fairly equal. Two of them told me, off the record, that my pictures and recordings could help as leverage but threatening to make them public on the Internet would probably be construed as extortion. The fact I had them dead to rights on "film" should be enough to avoid maintenance (alimony), sharing our retirement and control of the house.

It is absolutely insane that our society today condones adultery. Our state, as with most others, doesn't really offer an advantage for divorce on any grounds but Irreconcilable Differences. She cheats and it's simply a bad choice; do try to forgive the whore (okay, my words not the legal systems). Forget Alienation of Affections for asshats like Sam, it was her promises not his that I had issues with. Ugh!

That is why I was adamant about not allowing her back into the house. I pressed Jackson (the attorney I ended up choosing) to sue for breach of contract for both of them just in case she were to get a court order to gain access the house. He told me others had tried that view and it's very hard to be successful. I told him that it was a matter of principle and I wanted her to be reminded what she did and that I viewed oral promises made in front of witnesses to be binding. It was also a reminder that this could get a whole lot more ugly if she pressed me to shed details in the public record.

I really didn't want to go any further than cutting her out of my life, finding a way to move forward and retain some self-respect. She had to know that this could really come back to put a huge strain on her relationship with her family and her career as a teacher. Not only was she adulterous but she chose to act on her desires while representing the district at a conference. Yes, this could get bad for her quick if truth were told. There would be plenty of rumor, speculation and innuendo simply from those who were there.

We were set to serve her on Thursday if we could find out where she had ended up living. I had some ideas about where to look and I gave them to Jackson, I really didn't want to do that myself and he agreed it would be ultimately easier for him. I was fairly sure that the one person she could count on right now was Marge.

Marge was my best friend in the district, and quite frankly, probably my best friend in the world. She always had my back and I had hers. She was ever reminding me that she was responsible for bringing Janice into my life. They had become best friends too and perhaps there was a little "girl power" that helped their friendship become just as strong and lasting. Janice would have cooked up some kind of story to allow Marge to help her, some kind of crazy misunderstanding. The fact that I hadn't heard from Marge yet told me that she probably had serious doubts about Janice's side of the issue. I wouldn't hold this against Marge, she knew how alone Janice was here in regard to family and friends and even though she probably doubted Janice's story she knew she had an obligation for now as her friend.

I'd like to say that going over the story four more times that day was cathartic, but it wasn't. I was tired, both mentally and emotionally, and some of that was due to the long drive and subsequent activity on Saturday and Sunday (okay, the drinking might have contributed as well). I will admit my anger had receded. There would be no forgiveness, I'm a hard-hearted bastard and I know what I'm capable of. There would be no forgiveness and there would be no reconciliation. There would also be no pillory and rotten vegetables. Of course, that was more of a societal change than a personal preference.

So, somewhere in between forgiveness and public humiliation...

-----

I found out quickly that sitting around the house Monday night and Tuesday was not going to work. Being surrounded by "us" and feeling sorry for myself only made my depression more pathetic so I came up with a plan: road trip.

There is a little town about 3 to 4 hours west of us that had an amazing set of restaurants and was remote enough to let me get myself together. Yes, I'd taken Janice there many times but it was my place initially and the familiarity of that town would help.

First thing Wednesday I was on the road again. This time I was rested and there was a mission to accomplish.

The drive was decent (thank God for satellite radio) and I was able to secure a hotel room before noon. The room itself wouldn't be ready until later in the day but it was reserved and I could go find a place to relax. There was a cute little park on the north side of town with a children's fishing pond on the west end. Armed with my books and a comfortable reclining yard chair I set about taking myself out of this world and into somewhere safe.

I love to read and the truly sad part about being a teacher is that I rarely had time to read what I wanted when I wanted to. I made up some in the summer but I was always behind on my reading list. When I read I immerse myself in that world and putting the book down sometimes becomes impossible. Maybe it was running away from my troubles but I needed to center myself and the best way I could think of was to get totally out of the situation and eventually come back into it with a refreshed and renewed attitude.