There Was Confusion

I resumed my journey home with more than a small amount of trepidations in my head and heart.

-----

I woke up and stared at the ceiling. Acceptance. Isn't that the last step in the process? While forgetting and forgiving were literally years away I was beginning to feel like I was accepting the situation. I was disappointed in Janice's decision and my blind trust but I wasn't beating myself up over either anymore. It was a fork in the road of life and I was ready to make the choice and move on.

After a little bacon and eggs (bacon soothes everthing, doesn't it?) I decided to call my parents and let them know I'm alive and see what they know. They were hearing rumors about our coming back from the conference separately but nothing more than that. I gave them the PG version and told them it is bad enough that I had Janice served with divorce papers. They were sorry, and genuinely meant it, but said what I expected them to and that they would be there for me when and as I needed it.

I booted up my laptop and checked my email. It had been over a week since I'd last been on. Wow, that is too much spam, I thought to myself and began to sort out what was trash and what needed to be kept. I really wasn't ready to read anything and beyond some follow-up emails from vendors I had met at the conference there wasn't anything really important in my inbox.

Before I knew it I noticed it was after noon and I needed to get ready to go to Marge's. Jeans, polo and my loafers would be appropriate for today; comfort without being overtly casual. I had no intention on showing her what she had thrown away and I wanted our meeting to be closer to businesslike than casual conversation. One of the biggest differences this time in the demolition of a long-term relationship was being able to talk to each other. The decision has been made of course but I hoped we could process ourselves out of the emotional turmoil.

Process ourselves? Did I just think that? What a load of crap. Perhaps I should have become a therapist with that kind of socio-phychobabble. It was time to face my future so, like a condemned man, I trudged out to my car and drove over to Marge's condo.

-----

Marge lived by herself across town. She had married right out of high school, kind of a rebellious action against their parents who had continually fought their relationship. As it turned out, their parents were right. Neither of them were mature enough nor were they truly compatible for a long-term relationship. They divorced before Marge graduated and split on fairly good terms.

She did date and had a few relationships but she really didn't need anything long-term. I'm sure she had a "friend with benefits" or two but that wasn't what our relationship was at all. We were each other's BFF and gender was something we simply didn't consider.

I pulled into the lot and sat for a moment steeling my emotional state. I didn't expect anger or crying but I wasn't 100% sure what would end up happening so I wanted to go in as close to relaxed and under control as I could.

Marge answered the door almost as soon as I knocked and wrapped me in a huge hug. She held me tight and I guess tried to squeeze as much of the hurt and anxiety as out of me as she could. She probably wanted to give me a week's worth of comfort. I returned her hug and patted her back to let her know I understood.

She stepped back with tears welling up in her eyes and whispered, "She's in the living room, be true to yourself but be as gentle as you can with her. She is desperately sorry." She gave a small smile and left for her bedroom.

I walked into the living area and immediately saw Janice. She had dressed nicely, I'm sure to impress me as much as she could but I could tell the last week had been as difficult on her as it had me. I nodded as I walked in and sat opposite her. She had an extremely awkward mixture of hope and fear in her eyes.

"Hello Janice. How are you?" Really? How are you? That is the best I could do to greet her? Isn't it funny how some phrases are so engrained in us that they are used without thought. I had a pretty good idea from looking at her 'how she was' and, in all honesty, I really didn't care at that moment but, like the automaton that I was right then, I did ask the question.

"Oh Keith, I've been better," she replied.

We sat for a moment staring at each other trying to gage what the other was thinking.

"You requested time to talk Janice so I'll let you start."

She hesitated for a moment, "Now that you're here I'm not sure where to start."

"We've always been honest with each other, well, we used to always be honest with each other," she winced as I change my wording, "so I'd suggest you start with what is in your heart and we can go from there."

"First of all, I know that there is no way this will sound as sincere as it is but I am so very sorry. I am sorry for the decisions I made, I am sorry for not talking to you and I am sorry that you had to witness my transgression."

I snorted and mumbled, "Transgression, ha."

"Keith, there isn't a word that truly explains what I did. I was adulterous. I cheated and did so callously and virtually in front of people we work with. I selfishly decided that I wanted to try something and subconsciously kept you out of that decision. I did all of that and accidentally flaunted it in front of you. I played the slut and have paid the direst price I could. I am lost and more alone than I could have ever imagined. I can't say why I did it, I truly can't. I've had over a week to figure out what reasoning or rationale I used to allow my conscious mind to okay it. It's cliché but I have lost a part of me and I feel hollow inside," she finished with her head down and tears running down her face.

"Perhaps you have a small idea about how I feel Janice. Since I had absolutely no say in what you did and do not have a clue as to why you would do something like that either I can honestly state that I think my hollow feeling outweighs your by more than a little," I fumed.

Janice nodded, "I know that and I wasn't trying to diminish any of what you are feeling. I am simply trying to do as you asked and speak from my heart."

I sat there and watched her. There is no doubt in my mind that she felt sorry for everything. She wasn't simply sorry for being caught or sorry for hurting me, she wasn't sorry for a momentary lapse in judgment or having to find a home. She was sorry for all of it. This was eating her up from the inside out and my heart wanted me to comfort her.

"So you're saying you magically ended up having sex with him for no apparent reason?" I needed to stay focused. My past love for her couldn't keep me from protecting myself.

"In a sense, yes. So much has happened recently that I can't even remember what the triggering point was or why. It was a profound lapse in judgment. We had attended a couple of sessions together the first day hit it off. He liked my sense of humor and I appreciated his laughter and ideas about teaching. After a lunch break we hugged before going our separate ways to the next clinic and it felt special. Nothing like you or I but much in the way we've talked about someone we'd bring to our bed, a connection that would help enhance the experience. I wasn't looking for anything else, Keith, please believe me. We looked at each other and kissed. It was on my mind the rest of the afternoon."

"I guess there was no need to tell me you'd found a replacement, huh?" I spat.

"Oh my God no, Keith, in no way was he a replacement. Not once, on any occasion, did I feel a need to replace you. It was electric and naughty. It's similar to the times we've done things in public. The illicitness of doing something against the norm, the dangerous times where we might be caught. The biggest difference is that this time I was a stupid cunt and let my pussy do the thinking. The choices I made will haunt and disturb me the rest of my life," she said as she looked right at me with her eyes telling me that she was speaking from the very depth of her being. I could see the pain, the self-loathing that she had been living with.

I looked at her and had a disturbing thought, "Have you seen a doctor to be checked yet?"

I assume she was still thinking of her last statement, "Not yet, but Marge has collected a few names of therapists in the area that have treated people in similar situations."

"No, a medical doctor."

"Keith, you and I both know there could not be a pregnancy from this affair. I'm on the pill," she said with an exasperated look.

My face hardened, "That's not what I'm talking about and if it were to have happened neither of your lives would be worth the two pennies I have in my pocket." She blanched at my look and tone.

"I'm talking about socially transmitted disease Janice. Your statement clearly shows that there was never a condom used between the two of you. You could have contracted a disease and risked your life and health, but even more selfish, you could have brought one to me. I will be making an appointment first thing Monday to get checked I suggest you do as well."

Her face revealed that she hadn't even considered that and the realization that she not only risked my emotional stability but my health as well brought the courage she'd mustered down.

"I hadn't thought that it would be possible. He said he was clean and that as long as I was safe we had nothing to worry about."

I laughed, but it was full of venom. "You were willing to trust the word of a man who was willing and eager to fuck another man's wife? Seriously Janice, he is a single male with the morals of an alley cat, do you think you can assume he is clean and that he would tell the truth regardless?"

Her head was down and she was sobbing. As stupid as she thought she was already, this sent things to a whole new level.

"Oh Keith, what have I done?" she managed between sobs.

"You've risked your life, your health and your marriage on some imagined feeling. Let's hope that it's only your marriage you will be losing."

She looked up with her eyes red from the crying pleading for me to reconsider. Behind the pleading, however, I could read that she knew this is the way it was going to go.

"I think that therapy would be an excellent choice for you at this point. You need to find out why before you begin a new relationship," giving another lash of my tongue on her wounds. I did not set out with the purpose of breaking her completely but I did want her to know that her actions went too far and there was no moving forward from here, at least as far as our marriage was concerned.

I watched her cry for a little while longer. There wasn't any pleasure in it. I could tell she had hurt herself nearly as much as she had hurt me and was going to pay for it mentally and emotionally for quite some time.

I had always thought that if something like this were to happen that the love would leave quickly but it doesn't. It shows itself as hate on occasion but that's simply because the hurt and disappointment of the actions by the ones we trusted transforms the love into hate. Hate is not the opposite of love, they are much more similar than we care to admit.

I had heard her side and there was nothing really to help either of us at this point. I stood to go and she stood and rushed quickly to me and wrapped her arms around me. I imagine she was trying to let me feel the love she had for me as well as clinging to the last hopes of our relationship. I held her and let her finish her crying. She sniffed a few times and I could feel her grip relax as she looked up at me.

"I will regret this forever and if you give me another chance I promise to make it up to you every day for the rest of our lives," she said with a renewed sense of hope.

"I will regret this as well Janice, but I don't see me trusting you again and frankly, I don't think either of us would honestly like to live that way."

She slumped slightly, renewed the vigor of her hug for a moment then let me go. As I turned to go she turned as well heading toward the guest room. She paused, looked back and said, "I do love you Keith Fredericks. My mistakes aside, please never doubt that."

I thought to myself, 'Just not enough to keep your legs closed', but said instead, "I know Janice. I know."

Marge must have been listening enough to know when we were done and passed Janice in the hallway. She came to me for another hug and walked me to the door.

"You know I'm no expert in relationships but are you sure you can't forgive her?" Marge asked.

"No Margie, I actually will forgive her some day. The problem is that I will never forget and the forgiveness will take long enough for more damage to be done in the process than we could overcome. We wouldn't survive it so we need to end things now while we can still do so in a friendly manner."

She nodded, gave me a kiss on my cheek and watched me leave.

-----

The divorce did go through without difficulty or drama. We didn't have much and Janice's contrition kept the house from being an issue. Her lawyer wasn't particularly happy with her decision to agree to any terms I provided but I was more than fair on our financial and physical assets. We really hadn't been married that long to accumulate too much wealth or investments so it was a simple matter. Her lawyer did try to get her to request couples counseling but she refused saying that it would be a pointless waste of time and money, although I did hear that she started seeing a therapist.

Marge and I talked often and she was always there when I had to vent...or cry. We were still friends and would probably always be but she wasn't my best friend now and she accepted that. It wasn't from helping Janice, I told her many times that I respected her choice and I would have been disappointed in her if she hadn't.

No, my new best friend was my first best friend, Darcy. We had begun to hang out together, mostly me visiting her but we were both teachers of sorts so our summer was mostly free to travel to one place or the other. This ability to get together frequently is probably why we were able to reconnect so quickly.

Although it was several weeks before we made love for the "first" time I did try to make it special. I could tell that she was ready and was possibly ready to simply drag me into one bedroom or the other but our emotional states were always at the forefront of our attention. I ended up getting a room at the hotel in her town and managed to get the exact same room I had before. We went to dinner and when I took her to the hotel she was amused. When I took her to the door of the same room she was absolutely giggling.

"So you're going to make me a liar, huh?" she laughingly teased.

"I guess in a technical way I am," I said with a smile, "but this is the place where I knew I would survive into the future and a thought as to who I want to survive it with."

The giggling stopped and a huge smile appeared. She jumped into my arms and I carried her in. Let's say that we didn't wake up the next morning in our clothes this time.

-----

Darcy and I are married now, almost two years. It didn't happen right away. I was still a little gun shy about long term relationships and Darcy was as well. I stayed at my school for another year and it was clear that no matter how much I adored my students the distance was far enough to strain my relationship with Darcy. Fortunately, there was an opening in the social studies department in my "favorite" town and they hired me (I always wondered if there was some influence from the college there...). It was another year later that we really felt comfortable and ready to be together.

After I proposed and we had set a date she did something that I thought was crazy at the time. She contacted Charlie.

It took some work but she eventually managed to talk directly to Charlie's manager and mentioned my name. This eventually got Darcy a direct phone call from Charlie that led to a visit from her as well. I was to learn that there was a method to Darcy's madness.

I picked up Charlie from the airport and she looked as good as the day she left me so many years before. I had long since gotten over that and was truly glad to see her. She did have a small entourage with her, her personal assistant and a friend, who were more along for a vacation to see a little of Charlie's past. We hugged and shared a friendly kiss and I grabbed their bags.

Charlie had developed a successful career in Hollywood and, although she wasn't a superstar, it seemed she was always in demand for television and movies. I had arranged for her to speak to our school and sit in on a few of our classes. Once the staff and students knew about our past I was suddenly a hero to the entire male faculty and several of the male students. They definitely looked at old Mr. Fredericks differently now.

When the school day had ended, Charlie and I were sitting in my classroom talking about old times. I know she could see the question in my face.

"Keith, I have made many decisions in my life and I can honestly say that there were easy ones and hard ones. I have tried my best to make those decisions and not look back. Do I have regrets? Yes, but don't we all. The hardest decision I ever had to make, however, has never come back as something I regret. Well, almost anyway," she smiled wryly at me while saying that.

"Could we have made it together outside of Hollywood? Yes, and I have to admit when the fast life in Southern California gets me down I do think about 'what if'. On the other hand I have done things and met people that I would have never had the opportunity to do had I not left you behind and moved out there. Not that you would have held me back, you are such a loving and giving person I know you would have never been in my way. But I was right, there were decisions and things I had to do that would have put us at risk and I would not have taken some of those opportunities to spare your feelings. I have worked to keep my moral compass as acute to my inner me as I can and have lost some parts because of that and I'm okay with it even if Horace, my manager, isn't," she laughed.

"Even so, rumors abound and I simply couldn't have lived up to what you deserved."

She gave me a reserved smiled, "I am fulfilling my dream Keith, and there are things I had to leave behind to do that and I'm okay with it. I hope you understand," she finished and reached for my hand.

She went on to tell me about how marriages work in Hollywood. They seemed to be almost arranged marriages only instead of parents choosing mates upon promises made at birth or even before, they were more like royal arrangements where an actor's or actress's career was made or enhanced by who they married and how long it "lasted". There were literally a handful of married couples in the entertainment industry that were together for love and the long haul. I could tell she wasn't happy or proud of that part of her life and I knew she yearned for a relationship based on love. I told her I sincerely hoped she would be in a place, eventually, where she could find that.

This is exactly what Darcy was wanting from Charlie's visit. She had an artful business mind and before she entered into a lifetime contract with me she wanted to make sure there were no loose ends that would keep us from fulfilling that contract.

To be honest, I'm glad she did it. Having closure with Charlie was something I didn't realize I needed. It wasn't a lack of trust but a need to help me heal my heart and not just from Janice's betrayal but from the times I'd been left in the past, including Darcy herself.

We have a little one on the way and I believe we will be happy. Charlie takes time from Hollywood to visit. She enjoys "hiding" with us and I can tell she is a much more relaxed person. We've been out for a visit to California and Charlie was right, the lifestyle was not something Darcy and I enjoyed at all. It was nice to visit and we will go back but it reminds us of how rich we truly are and satisfied in the life we have chosen to lead.