All Comments on 'Tickets to Paradise Ch. 07'

I don't know how you can call this an ending. The main character spends the entire story watching his wife have sex through video cameras instead of taking action, Kelly turns out to be more of a slut than in the previous installments, and you should learn how to tell a good story with character development and realistic activity.

You're going to get a lot of negative comments, especially since you opted to post this in the "Loving Wives" category. Sadly, I'm going to agree with a lot of what you're going to hear - because I found this story to be completely awful. However, the reasons that others may give for hating it will probably be nothing like mine; I cannot stand this story simply because you didn't take the time to actually lead the readers through your tale.

Simply writing the words - or, if you prefer, telling the story - is not enough. It is necessary to actually make the effort to choose the RIGHT words so that those who are reading your work will be able to make the forward progression needed to get from the beginning to the end of your tale. If action is happening, then WHY is it happening? WHAT is motivating the characters? The words which give the reader the "why" and the "what" are known as exposition, and failing at providing this will leave you with exactly what you mentioned in your preface: a story you're not happy with. A lack of exposition leaves an author with one of those children's "See Spot Run" books; in theory, the words are enough to paint a picture. The reader can see Spot run...or, in this case, see two people having sex...but it doesn't fill the need that readers will have to actually connect with the characters.

You can love or hate a character, but that's only possible if you CONNECT with him or her. Creating that connection is the challenge. It's also the reason you need to SERIOUSLY work on your exposition.

Leagal action?? Tony and dwayne are professionally finished, company morals clause, theft of personal video.. Etc. try to finish your plot line, even if it is of a spinless wannabe martyr.

There is sex mentioned, but the sex itself is not very erotic, and the people doing it quite frankly are about as attractive as Oompah-Loopahs from Willy Wonka. To be hot there would need to be some basis, but there isn't, all you can wish for all the characters at the stories end that they are the victims of a suicide bomber or something. This reminds me of one of those extreme Japanese Cuck stories where the main character keeps losing his women to some evil stud, and ends up literally pissed and shit on.

The other problem with the story is it makes no sense quite honestly, you never really figure out what is going on..and Roger keeps talking how he will take Tony down, how he will control his situation and all he does is end up left alone, with no dignity or anything else.....yes, he is a cuck who gets off on watching his wife get screwed, but he isn't even really that, he is basically a nothing.I can't even hate Roger, he is so not there it doesn't matter.

I know your story is getting whacked pretty hard here but to be honest it probably deserved it. I realize that this is your first effort but I would like to make a suggestion for future efforts. I may not be an author but I know what I like to see in a story whether its here in Lit or just reading fiction in general. I believe that the reader has to identify or care about one the main characters. Unfortunately there is not a single character in this entire seven chapters that a reader would want to indentify or give a shit about. They all have no redeeming qualities at all. Like I said Im not an author but if the average reader thinks the characters are all a bunch of turds what do you think they are going to think of the story? It cannot be anything but negative. Just thoughts.

This just doesn't make sense at any level. I'm not sure what the point of this story is, but it isn't very satisfying at all. Try having an ending that makes some kind of statement next time.

And makes no sense. Emotions are lacking, as in a narrative. One star.

in your next attempt make sure there's a cat who runs after a mouse

2 stories need at least one real character.

she's a cheating cunt and he's a wimp! I did not enjoy this. Where are the red-blooded males that fight for their woman, or wifes that remains faithful?

Ignore the trolls. The story was okay but I really dislike divorce in the conclusion.

Hope your next effort is better

Why on earth did you bother.....crap crap crap !!!

wimp

where humiliation of the good guy is the whole thing?

8teenholes,

In reference to your closing statement...if this was supposed to be a jerk story, I'm afraid with this reader you didn't raise as much as a smile. Why did you concoct a plot that involved cheating as its central focus and a cuckold wimp husband who failed to keep either of his wives happy? It seemed that total humiliation of Roger was the key image and that you have a fixation with the sexual mastery of alpha males who will fuck anything with a pulse. This wasn't just about sexy people fucking their brains out...no matter how much you try to convince yourself...your choice of plot and the sexual gymnastics of your amoral characters tell the reader much about your own preferences.

go back to your boyfriend and his man bun

This one is chapter 7!! WTF annony, no one believes you don't love these stories Why else would you still be here!!! IT'S CHAPTER 7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was your first but not last abject failure at writing erotic fiction. It may have been fiction, but was.in.no way erotic.

This story was terrible. The cuck never had a chance, the author made him into a no dick wimp. This story was just about how to screw over this guy. Everyone and their brother got into his whore wife's pussy. Hope they all die from AIDS. Even his second wife turned out to be a slut. The guy should go out and kill all of them then kill himself. He doesn't deserve to live and neither do the cheaters. The characters were unbelievable and very predictable in their intentions, especially the first slut wife, who never loved her wimp, only his money. Pathetic and just basically bad story telling.

-10 stars

cccuuuuuuuuuuucckkkkkkkkk crap wimp pussy