by oggbashan
Wonderful, creepy, gothic horror in the best sense. And it was hot. Great job!
Wonderfully inventive concept but the sex seemed rushed. Veers between past tense narrative and presence tense journal entry style a little clumsily in places.
virtually no detail and complex issues introduced and thrown out with no exploration. Reads like it should have a bunch of "oh by the way"s scattered through it. This is not a good thing. I'm sounding harsh and I apologise but the potential here is excellent and the writing is good. Just slow down, take us on more of a journey.
If you had taken this same story and spread it over two or probably three chapters, padding things out a lot more so that that 'we' the reader can construct a back story you would have something which would be a serious contender for 'story of the month' award.
Please don't stop writing, you show that you have real talent by tackling such a complex topic.