All Comments on 'A cut open sky'

This is an imaginative poem and the alliteration here makes your language leap when read out loud. One point: think about getting rid of the ryhme scheme, imho it would sound better not written in ryhming couplets as you've done here.

Good work!

I disagree. I don't find the rhyme scheme objectionable, but I do find the alliteration a little overdone. It is OK as an exercise, but as so many have told me, a little goes a long way. When the alliteration draws attention away from the poem's meaning you are weakening, not strengthening your work. - I know because I do this all the time. ;)

Alliteration's fine

Lose the rhyme ~ it sounds like words are massaged to fit in a rhyme.

On the other hand,

You could keep the rhyme and lose alliteration;

It's just the two together that makes this piece so 'busy'.

will leave 2 halves. TK U MLJ LV NV