Stages

Sonnet #1: Metaphor (Denial)
I slept as newborn babies take their rest:
Asleep in slumber deeper than the sea,
Ears deaf to noise, surfeit on woman’s breast,
Secure in arms that held and nurtured me.
But cancer grows from just a single seed.
It strikes from where you thought the most secure.
It’s self attacking self without a heed
For life beyond the ravages of cure.
How does someone survive the mortal blow?
You burn, you cut, you hope that all is caught.
You’re left unstable, fearful now you know
That life holds terrors more than ever thought.
—Although she tried to hide her weekday trysts,
—I learnt the secrets that she hoped I missed.

Sonnet #2: Illusion (Anger)
The last to know is always a cliché,
Although each tries to make their weak amends.
“I did not want to be the one,” they say.
Yet now I know exactly who are friends.
It’s those who dare to risk an unfair bruise,
Who know that humans sometimes can’t restrain
The urge to shoot the one who bears bad news,
To cut them off and blame them for the pain.
But still they speak: the old, old tale they tell
Because they know that they would want the same.
It’s them I’ll keep. The rest can go to hell.
Enabling assholes are the ones I’ll blame.
—Inoculations hurt but yet we know
—Without that pinch, the harm is greater so.

Sonnet #3: Advice (Bargaining)
They’re right, I’m sure; I know they understand.
They’ve counseled hundreds; we are nothing new.
An empathetic ear and helping hand:
A space for us to find a pathway through.
But talking now offends my very core.
Fidelity was owed from wife to groom.
The time to ask for change is well before
One takes the step inside a motel room.
So, “No!” I have no wish to hear her plea
That all the days ahead which I might live,
She’ll find a way to make it up to me
If I will find a way I can forgive.
—Why would a promise uttered now in fear
—Be worth more than one made in yesteryear?

Sonnet #4: Avoidance (Depression)
I hit the bars and stay there until close,
And lift a glass—“Another”—“One more, quick!”
Or find a plug and candy-up my nose,
In hopes that one of them will do the trick.
Or maybe purchased arms accept my touch.
Three hundred bucks: when buzzed, the price seems cheap.
It meets a body’s needs (though heart’s not much).
She leaves, and then with stiller mind, I sleep.
But mornings come as they are wont to do,
And headaches pound and wallets aren’t so fine.
Then misery takes daylight as its cue
To thrust out from beneath an anodyne.
—My friends, my dad, my boss point out the toll.
—It’s not just beer I’m pissing down the bowl.

Sonnet #5: Reality (Acceptance)
I sleep now as a baby sleeps at night,
Until a gentle touch does make me stir
And wonder why the glimpse in dawn’s first light
Seems wrong to mind hazy with slumber’s blur.
Then recognition sifts into my mind.
A kindred soul—someone’s abandoned wife—
Who pulls me close as we both try to find
A moment of surcease from lonely life.
And though it’s only fondness that we share
To fill the void that Life requires be filled,
To have it side by side with trust … I swear,
Is better than the cancer that I killed.
—And yet, I hope with help from Him above
—A miracle may bring me back to love.