All Comments on 'The Most Faithful Suitor'

Where did that come from?

I'd change the fifth and sixth lines.

With imagined changes:

*****

Powerful!

100!

if you can avoid shards

a real slap in the face

your first line should have been a hint, and ties in well with my perception of a hung person - tongue lolling... so the gaping doorway/gaping mouth, lolling door/lolling tongue. neatly done, V.

your language in the following lines continues in this softened vein - with 'shimmer' and 'drizzled' and even the colour-choice of the lipstick - all 'soft' (including the colour of the honey!) and tying in with the soft sounds (if not soft images) of 'pissed' and 'shit' ... if you'd have used red lipstick, capitals for the 'I loved you!', and a harder action verb instead of 'drizzled', i might have been more prepared for what came next. i'm guessing you used the softness to imply a lack of anger, more despairing, more emasculated even... the only time my no2 husband decided to decorate the walls with obscenities in lipstick he chose bright red. nice, huh? but he was an animal.

i will question your use of the semi there, and wonder if your 'dangling' might be better on its own as a last line - even though it is left 'dangling' as it is, and as i'm sure you intended

:D.

front door lolls on its hinges

shards of mirror shimmer on the floor

he's pissed on my bed, shit on the pillows

drizzled honey into my computer

'but I loved you!' on the wall in pink lipstick

I find him in the kitchen, his final offering;

eyes bulging, plum faced, dangling

......brilliant. Not a word out of place. Most definitely a five!

Tess

I am still shivering.

(BTW, can't help but wonder how Theo would fuck this up)

Oh Vee creeeeeepy and don't even consider changing any of it!

Absolutely horrifying! And magnificent! Perfect poetry! The ending was not expected (by me, anyway!) and that is a great way to end! 5+

vrose this is just creepy. I read it repeatedly. It gave me chills. To me, perfect.

and skin's appalling

petals--how inspired

to be so Iying in the living

room drunk naked

and dreaming, in the absence

of electricity...

over and over eating the low root

of the asphodel,

gray fate...