by My Erotic Trail
Grains of sand across a table's top
scattered from the box's fence
formed in meticulous miniature
stillness in perfectly rippled dunes
lapping isles of polished stones
in endless possibilities
from a finite sea
a place setting of Earth's lifeless beauty
hand and rake over the Rock Garden
Honestly I think it great hubris to rewrite somebody else's work, but as somebody else did it once already in these comments, I found it working in my mind. I hope you aren't offended. Only you know exactly what you were evoking, the rest of us only reflect.
Very lovely work. :)
Grains of sand across a table's top
scattered from the box's fence
formed in meticulous miniature
stillness in perfectly rippled dunes
lapping isles of polished stones
in endless possibilities
from a finite sea
a place setting of Earth's lifeless beauty
hand and rake over the Rock Garden
Honestly I think it great hubris to rewrite somebody else's work, but as somebody else did it once already in these comments, I found it working in my mind. I hope you aren't offended. Only you know exactly what you were evoking, the rest of us only reflect.
Very lovely work. :)
.........the Zen Master paints a peacceful image. Nice.
Tess
but I believe this poem is a little complicated in word choices. Perhaps pare down; make the beauty its 'zenplicity'.
Isn't interesting the things you can find in nature and apply it human instinct/thoughts? Good poem idea.
Du & WE make excellent points;
I've tried 3 times to read through this
And each time got hung up on the very first word ~ granules.
Still, it's loaded with excellent lines and phrases.
There are typos. It's already been pointed out, so enough said. :)
I actually started to buy a rock garden kit. I thought it would be cool to have this little garden on my desk and maybe it would inspire some poetry. I see it has with you.
I don't really like "an endless sea of artistic possibilities." Maybe it's because of the phrase endless sea. A bit cliché. And artistic possibilities doesn't really add to the poem.
Now that I think about it... cut this poem in half!
Keep these lines but rework them to make it all fit together:
Granules of sand
harvest rows in meticulous miniature
stillness in perfectly rippled dunes
surrounding islands of stones
hand and rake over the Rock Garden
Art nice visuals but spell check honey... lol.. it helps with the flow of the poem.
du