All Comments on '20 in... Reality?'

I'm missing the part what happened to the rest of his family? Father and mother? Did he ever speak with them?

Infosauger, thanks for taking the time to comment. It is covered in a paragraph where they help the brother and ex-wife to buy the house, via a shell company. I tried to imply that it created a family rift that would be lifelong, apologies if that isn't clear INEKNT

A big wall of text. Maybe a less involved story with some dialogue for a 750 word version

This story reads like an executive summary. No depth. Characters have little development.

Well in most stories a wronged spouse should always live well and this husband definitely did that.

Hi Inkent (as “in Kent”?)

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Yep; I get that it goes more like that in real life. It is interesting that he cuts his own nose off to spite his face in the first version. His new wife is a saint. All the happiness he allows to slip away in order to hurt his first wife and his original family.

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The Japanese are right: you want revenge, dig two graves.

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He was fortunate that it did not work out that way in the first story; the lack of STDs / STIs alone is unbelievable and given the way his mind works something he is not likely to be able to let alone and compartmentalize—some infections take a while to show up… and would he really expose the woman he now loves to that risk, which is statistically substantial? Then again, this is supposed to be fiction! Thank you for your enjoyable story.

Renobaby1 & Mwestohio, thanks for taking the time to read my work, I do appreciate it. This is my last little exercise in creating what I see as the "real world" version of the storyline, if it was reality. 20 in 23378 contains most of the character development, it's a fine line for me to work out how much to develop, beyond the original without simply being a carbon copy in the whole.

I agree, it does look a little like an executive summary, take it as my bias towards "real" being a tad boring although I have attempted to add a little "jazz" with the roving pair and the family supporting obtaining the property somewhat stealthily, but legally and above board. I could have developed the relationships for his brother, ex-wife, and those that came into and out of their lives post divorces, but my eye is on the pile of ideas in my laptop's Literotica folder :) Once again, thanks for commenting and having a read. INKENT

onlythelonelylove Hi, thanks for coming back! Yes, I am "in Kent" as a base, although I travel extensively.

This is a fictional world, I decided to bring STD's into this story as a minor topic, I did try to emphasis that they all knew it was Russian Roulette, but tried to use the testing regime they both implemented along with restricting the partner pool, to try and add realism to an unrealistic tale. INKENT

Bit too much like bulletpoints and little emotional impact but you are telling a lot of story in only a couple thousand words

I think I liked this version of the 3 the best. "The best revenge is living well" and the versions where Brian forgoes personal happiness for revenge really come off as time misspent, just as this story ends up saying.

Sorry but for me '20 in 23376' was a better story 'more meat on its bones'!

In what universe does a woman whose brother-in-law has blackmailed her into an ongoing sexual relationship invite him not just to move in to her home following the resulting divorce but also agree to marry him? Or am I missing something here?

JR

That was like reading a book report. Like the entire point was to emotionlessly relay the news that a couple got divorced because she cheated.

Gah. What a bunch of nonsense.

The only thing missing were the Navy Seals and a black gangbang. Stupidity continues to reign.

It stinks!!!!

Too much narration. Where's the confrontation, the conflict?

Not to turn this into a typical anonymous put down but I didn't connect with anyone and didn't care for anyone so it became a giant so - what. Sorry about that - I'm sure enough readers will enjoy it.

So who had the 20 inches?

Good story. Didn't like the abrupt ending.

Sadly this tends to read like a news article. Nothing but stating of facts and barely scratching the surface of who the characters are.

Here’s a character.

Here’s why they are in the story.

Here’s an emotionless description of their actions.

Repeat.

Sorry but this was very boring.

I actually think "20 in 23,378" was the best of the three stories, as it had more character development. Although it took 20 years to stage and accomplish his revenge, I think it was the better of the other two.

This is the narrative for a deeper, (therefore) better story, as it feels.

It goes well in the set tho, and I recommend it.

Living well, and not worrying about slutty-ex, is in fact, a very good revenge.

This is an okay outline, but it's not a story. The author provided the plot, filled with hollow characters who performed like automatons while on stage. There was no dialogue. Readers only received an explanation that some conversation occurred.

Anonymous, I assume the lengthy comment in the full fat version was yours, I did think this may be more your 'cup of tea' INKENT

Nice…

He did this. He did that. They did this. They did that. Bla.

To call this lacking, undeveloped, boring and rather mundane is putting it lightly. Nothing flows. You used tired cliché to move the plot forward. Honestly, it's overrated right now as it is. This may have need worth something with more effort.

I bet the family doesn't even know that Brian has children now and they probably hate Debbie, since she went back to the same guy that she cheated on both of them with. I feel like Tel is also paying for a divorce, but Reggie knows that if he came clean about Debbie, he wouldn't have been in this situation and also should have talked to his first wife about sex, but now he's got two alimonies, which he should have been smart in putting a prenup, since he saw that Debbie had cheated, he should have protected himself.

a nice story with main point moving on is a better chance for a happy life 5/5

It was okay, but I'd read them in the opposite way starting with 20 in 23,378 which I thought was a very good story. A little long, but then it covered 20 years of his and Debbie's life together(?) and him meeting his new love that he planned on spending his life with. It must have been in the early days of IT, as I don't think some of what was done could be done now. This had a nice BTB going on though.

On one hand, I liked the "best revenge is living well" and MC not paying attention to the skank (and revenge on the brother). On the other hand, his parents got off scott free with no damage, and there was NO reason for the author to avoid punishing the skank karmically without main character's active participation or design; instead of rewarding her more. All in all, 4 stars but could have easily been 5 with small fixes.

I preferred the first version as it complimented the MCs level of intelligence.

However, even though this story moved quickly, you did introduce interesting twists for the characters thus making this story nice, OK sadder in some ways.

Good one. Too bad Debbie and Reggie weren’t able to see what a great life he built for himself and the new family.

Not my cups tea.

@Anonymous

So who had the 20 inches? -- ????????????

20 inches?

Oh another take on it, I see where you are coming from by doing these, this one reads as if it's just been a real quick rehash, it had lost the feeling that you put into the others

Sorry. Two stars, because you have violated one of the keystones of fiction "Show, not Tell". Your tale is almost 100% narration. You are telling, and thus it is uninteresting, by and large. Please try to use dialogue as much as possible. Show don't tell.

Boring. It reads a bit like an outline for a story.

What is more interesting, He saw the aliens coming and ran down an alley, or He looked up and shouted "aliens!" He tripped over his shoe and stumbled into an alley, and cried, "I knew this would happen" as he picked up speed.

/

JPB NOT BOB

Reggie is broke and Debbie is infertile. I think Brian comfortably came out the winner.

Yeah, I suspect that Debbie came out of that the best. The MC came across as a complete bitter loser, I doubt that if he couldn't satisfy his first wife he'd be any better on the second, and a neurodivergent doesn't change it's spots.