All Comments on '2023/11/01 - The Angry Daughter'

concept okay. Writing, not so much. 3.

good concept. needs fleshing out with detail and fixing the dialogue to actually look like dialogue,

This has potential if it had been done with normal dialogue. As is, the story line is worth a 3, but it needs resolution with the cheating wife getting a full dose of reality.

The story itself was a pretty good concept. You need to learn about quotation marks and punctuation.

Thanks for sharing.

Dialog is the main reason I didn't go 5☆ with this one. I think more kids should have conversations with the offending parent in a similar vein. Or maybe the potentially offending parent should have this talk with themselves before they cheat.

this story was an ouroboros

What a joke, sorry I wasted my time reading that.

Very good and funny tale. And a good welcome for a little break from all the endless fetish-cuck propaganda that is asphyssiating this LW category. But ... where are the double quotation marks ? Anyway, for this short and refreshing non-cuck funny tale, a full 5 stars.

What was this supposed to be? It’s like you tried to write a story without first having ever read one. I appreciate the time and effort you went through to publish this, but you really need to learn some basics before trying again.

Speech REQUIRES quotation marks. Who the fuck is speaking?

Punctuation...... PUNCTUATION.... i REFUSE TO READ THIS LAZY SUBMISSION.

Hmm. I think the dialogue between mother and daughter is a great way to present the story. Love it. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

So besides the lack of basic grammar, have ever actually had a conversation? Like not just a conversation with a woman, but an actual conversation? This was just a list of low hanging tropes strung together.

Me thinks the daughter may be a wee bit pissed.

Please learn to punctuate dialog. Simply alternating speakers isn't enough.

\

"Why would he lie about something like that? It's too easy to verify." - Yeah, except she didn't bother to verify it!

Nice outline. Now, how about turning it into an actual story.

Good, short and funny tale, with a big problem with the double quotation marks in the dialogues. At least, the author don't try to disable the comments section or even the evaluation section, like many authors are already doing, fearing the negative readers feedback (usually for the so much disliked cuck tales).. So, add the quotation marks and it will go from good to very good.

There's probably a story in there. I don't know. The lack of something as basic as quotation marks told me that it wouldn't be worth my time to suffer through trying to read it.

Different … I liked it. 5*

She's 15? I cant see her using this la guage with her mother. There are too many years of authority. She would confront with reservation and hurt without the language. Still, I do like the story!

Interesting but no quotation marks!

4

one pissed off daughter

Had some funny parts in there, but really needed to end on a proper zinger. Could've been trimmed a little as well, too much dancing around some obvious points.

EXCELLENT!! Once again a disgusting, cheating, three hole cum dump WHORE wife get torched! Dad & daughter get a new lease on life while the CUNT wife can't understand WHY her husband's "fragile male ego" is denying her from her "rightful" female happiness!

5 Big Stars!!!

Hard to believe about a one page story, but it jumped the shark about 2/3 through it. 3*

I really like your story, but your format is not the best. I like paragraphs and quotation marks.

yeah, i agree with the comment about her age. She should be 17 not 15.

Actually has me intrigued. I can't tell if it's intentional or not.

First of all... I've seen a story on here before, where the author said he was trying to tell the entire thing in dialogue as a writing experiment. I remember that he almost succeeded, but there was still a tiny bit of descriptive text that set the scene.

Where he almost succeeded, you totally did. Not a single word that wasn't dialogue between the characters. Not even.,

"----- ----- --------," Mom said.

The only words you used were the actual quotes! Sans quote marks!

....just using a line break to indicate change of speaker.

The narrative isn't anything to write home about, but the realisation of the story... I can only say it gives me a sort of Kafkaesque vibe, not in the story content, but it's like you've broken all the rules to make it feel bizarre.

So you're either pretty clever, or you simply have a whole lot to learn.

Honestly, I have to give you 5 stars!

5 if you did do this on purpose, because even though the narrative was ordinary, you still did it! Broke all the rules but delivered.

Or...

5 if you just know nothing about writing and just wrote this as a flow of consciousness kind of thing. This 5 is because if the latter is the case, at least the narrative flowed uninterrupted, and you got the story out.

However, you could only do this once and have it work.

Wow, I wrote the 'Kafkaesque' comment, then had a look at other comments.

About as I expected.

I get their objections, even the one who didn't finish it, but funnily enough, it makes me think that those people are limited, and locked in a framework of rules and expectations. Just cogs in a clock mechanism.

So this sent me in another direction.

I jumped into your other stories... and Voila!

Quote marks!

Story structure!

Not that I've read them yet... but I confirmed they are there!

And on previous stories, no less!

What you did here was intentional. So congratulations, DormayVoo, I now see this as a writing experiment that succeeded, only if all you were doing was breaking the rules on purpose... breaking the mould.

It's still not a great story in itself, but how much could one do in this format? It's actually quite restrictive, if you think about it. If you are going to write a story the way you did this one, then you CAN'T write one single word that isn't dialogue. If you did that, it would self-destruct into a jumble of confusion.

Really... Really.... of any author here, when I say to ignore the negative comments, I MEAN it for you. They either just don't get it, or are too locked into their mindset to be able to deal with something different.

At least you got me thinking.

Well done!

Three stars for this vignette -not a story. I forgive the no quotation marks, but the dialogue lacked.

JPB

That was funny. 5 stars but please work on punctuation. DMW aka Sumnut96

Yes. I can see it happening exactly like that. Five stars

Using quotation marks to denote speech is your friend. As is not having one paragraph sentences. Having said that it was an enjoyable read,

"What you did here was intentional. So congratulations, DormayVoo, I now see this as a writing experiment that succeeded"

-

So, making a story harder to read for the readers is a successful experiment ? Hilarious.

Liked the intent, but not so much for the execution...

Please keep writing. But let the characters be a bit more realistic.

I enjoyed it. I can see what you tried to do but I would have liked longer and more descriptive dialogue than the short and punchy one you did because it would have felt more natural. As an author your job is to entertain first and you did that.

Yeah, l enjoyed this story, it was different and most importantly fun.

Scores 4/5

Very entertaining read but no way does a fifteen year have the razor sharp wit and ready, punchy comebacks that the one in this story has. Of course, it couldn't have worked as a story if the daughter had been old enough for that kind of invective so despite how unbelievable it was I still awarded it four stars.

How did this drivel come out of the same author that wrote the Dan/Bonnie/Marcel? In fact, every offering of yours I've read has gotten progressively less able. Take some time off and work harder at developing your stories.

Frankly, there isn’t much here. It started out badly and sot of coasted downhill from there the dialogue was contrived and felt unnatural from the outset. Blah, blah, blah.

@anon (and other assorted man hating idiots). Yes, some 15 year olds are smart. Just like some supposed adults like you and the woman in the story aren't. You're just sore that the cheating skank lost, instead of her good person victim.