23 & WTF

That was 5 years ago. Why the jump in time? Well let's just say hearing about me fighting off depression while struggling to raise 2 children alone, while challenging, isn't exactly exciting. So, to bring you up to speed, we named our son Andrew Thomas Simms (she wanted him named after her dad). Then we buried her. It was a lovely service and that plus how beautiful a day it was made me even angrier. Rain! It should be raining when you bury the one you love. The mother of your children. It wasn't, it was bright and sunny. Now all I have to show her children is a piece of stone with her name instead of her. But wait it gets worse, see 3 months after Karen died Momma passed as well. Her heart finally gave out.

You know I swear if it wasn't for my kids, I might have done something really stupid. Guess that's why I'm so grateful for the family and friends I have in my life. Angie, Kelly and Holly plus a few other of the employee wives kept a constant stream of child care (and dad care) flowing through my place. Every time I turned around a new one was stopping by and helping with Patty and her baby brother. After Momma died is when Angie and Chuck just took me and the kids home with them since I was beyond pitiful. Then 2 days later I was on the road to Arkansas.

When I got there dad was a wreck, but Lyle Fisher and his wife had things in hand. Along with a small army of housewives from Momma and Daddy's church. The real shock was when this young mixed boy walks outta the house behind my Dad. As I'm hugging Dad and feeling the loss all over again, he whispers in my ear. "Hold your tongue and don't get upset."

That's when I hear the little boy say, "Mommy who's that hugging mister Buddy?" I turn and find myself looking at Sara for the first time in over 7 years.

Honoring his request, I kept my mouth shut and didn't let it show. See hear's how it was explained to me in a letter Momma left me. Momma knew she didn't have much longer and wanted to put an end to old grudges. So, Buddy being Buddy, he played peacemaker. Thus, Momma spent the last year of her life learning she and Bev actually had a lot in common and they became friends. She even made peace with Sara and hoped someday I would as well. Part of it read 'son I hate that you've had so much pain so soon in your young life. Even though by the time you get this letter I'll be leaving you with a little more. The best advice I can give you now is don't hold on to any of it. The more you let go the better father you'll be for my grandchildren.'

This time it was right, it rained, and no one could see me cry. I stayed only one more day since I was missing my kids. The night before I left Dad and I had dinner at the house with Bev, Sara and her son Jacob. Bev did her best to keep conversation going around the table and thankfully Jacob helped. There was even a laugh or two. So, as I sat on the back porch steps after dinner Bev comes out to sit with me. "Hey kiddo, mind some company?"

Seeing how she and I had always been on good terms I just nodded, "Knock yourself out." Sitting down she scoots up next to me on the top step.

"Here, I want you to read this." She then pulls a letter out of her shirt pocket and hands it to me. "Your mom wrote everyone she felt close to a letter, even Sara. This is the one she wrote me."

"Why're you handing it to me then?"

"Cause I need you to see and know what your Momma... wanted me to do."

I read the letter and about halfway I stop. "You gotta be shitting me, Momma asked you that?"

Looking out into the night she just says, "finish it." So, I read on until the end.

With a low whistle I hand her back the letter. "Now do you see why I wanted you to read it? I wanted you to know she asked me to look after him now that she's gone. I think that's the real reason she made things good between us. Sara too since she knew she'd be around if I was. She wasn't looking to make new friends. She was just afraid to leave him alone. That's how much she loved him. That's why I wanted you to know. I'm not trying to swoop in and replace her."

"You know before Karen I wouldn't have understood, but now? He's going through it too, but for him it's much worse. Karen and I barely had 3 years. Daddy and Momma had 26. So yeah, I get it."

"I know kiddo, you're hurting too. Now I'm not saying Sara, but you need to eventually find someone too. At the very least someone who'll help you shed all that hurt and anger you got right now. You don't wanna end up passing that on to those kids." With that she stands then bends down and kisses me on the head before heading back inside. "Still love you kiddo, and not for nothing so does she."

"Hey Bev, not for nothing, but let her know I at least don't hate her." And with a smile she walks back in the house.

After reading Momma's letter to Bev and knowing she (and Sara) were gonna be around, a lot, was all a little too weird to deal with. So, I just went back to Indy. However, over the next couple of years she did indeed take care of Dad but it tended to make holidays a little awkward. The kicker was 2 years ago when Dad married Bev, effectively making my ex-wife my new stepsister. How's that for fucked up?

So that's been my life for the last 5 years, aside from the Jerry Springer shit happening back home, it's been quiet. I'm still running 'Honey Do' and back to making service calls now Andy is in kindergarten and Patty is in 2nd grade. Angie or Holly usually helps out and picks them up when I'm out on a call.

Today I'm at the Cole house. This is one we built about 8 years ago. As I'm pulling into the drive, I'm already seeing damage from last night's storm; some siding will need replaced and there's some roof damage.

Knocking on the front door I step back a pace and get my checklist ready. That's when Mrs. Cole opens the door. I had meet her and her husband once before when we were building their home, yet today I could tell something was a little off. Even though she was dressed nice and was fully engaged, you could see she'd been crying. As we talked and she was listing this or that I noticed the cards on the table, the condolence cards. With words like, 'such a good guy' and 'gone to soon'. Yeah, now I knew why this all felt off, why it all felt familiar. As we ended the walkthrough, I let her know I needed to get on the roof to inspect the damage. Before I went to get my ladder, I turned to her and said "Not meaning to pry but I saw the condolence cards, I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you, and no you're not prying, it was my husband. He passed away 2 weeks ago, from an aneurysm. They said it was quick, that he didn't feel a thing. The hardest part is getting past the fact that he just turned 41. I mean how does that happen. The doctors can only say that your born with it. Like a little time, bomb. It's just so senseless."

All I can say is, "I know how you feel." She turns and locks eyes with me, and she recognizes what she sees. "You hear people tell you that all the time, when this happens, but you mean it don't you? You DO know how I feel."

I pull out my wallet and fish out the card I still carry for the grief counselor I used to see and I scribble on the back of it and hand it to her. "Here this is the lady I saw when my wife died, she helped a lot. Also, when you find yourself wide awake at 2am needing someone to talk to, my number's on the back. I've been there, so maybe I can help. At the very least I can listen."

She takes the card from my hand and just looks at it. "Can I ask, how long ago did you lose your wife?"

"Five years ago, last month."

In a voice like a whisper, she asks. "When does it stop hurting?"

I look down at my left hand where that gold band used to be. I rub my thumb across the underside of my finger still expecting to feel the ring. "Never does really, but it will get better. Until one day the hurt kind of turns into regret, at least for me it did. Then you can put it away, it's still there, just not out in front controlling the day to day. I found that's what helped me. Makes it easier to raise my kids not being in pain cause she's not there, only regretting that she's not there. I Hope that helps thinking of it that way."

"I guess it's not a bad way to think of it. It's like you're not truly letting them go." She said with a catch in her voice, eyes tearing up. Before I knew it, I stepped to her and just encircled her with my arms. This woman who I barely knew, and she let me. Let me hold her and try to comfort her if only a little. I'm not sure how long we stood as she cried silently, gently shaking as tears rolled free. It felt like longer but was probably just a few minutes or so, then she slowly pulled back.

"Oh god look at me, I'm a mess, and I've ruined your shirt!"

"Hey I'm a single parent raising 2 kids. I've experienced all 3 of the P's before." She gave me quizzical look. "I've been Pee'd on, Pooped on and Puked on, more than once. A few tears and a runny nose are no biggie."

She then surprises herself with a little laughter. "The 3 P's, never heard that before."

Letting her go I step back suddenly aware of how forward I was being. "Um, ah sorry for invading your personal space, you just seemed like you needed a hug. Uh... anyway I still need to get on the roof and check out that damage." With that I'm turning and heading to my truck before she can respond. All the while scolding myself, 'smooth move dummy, next time just offer her a tissue.' 'Don't go hugging a stranger, no matter how pretty she is. Wait why are you thinking about how pretty she is, she just lost her husband. Just do your job dummy, don't go being an asshole!'

I finished up with the roof and wrote up the work order in my truck. Then as I'm heading back up to the front door, I see her sitting on the porch waiting for me. "Ok Mrs. Cole, I'm all done for today and I went ahead and put tarp over the damaged area. Seeing how it's Friday, it should hold 'til Monday."

"Will you be the one doing the repairs. And, please call me Cat."

"Actually, we have a separate crew that will come do the roof repair. Don't worry though, they're the same ones who built it to begin with. I could come do the siding repairs though. If it would make you feel better Mrs.... uh Cat. Humph, I guess now you should call me Rion."

"Yes, I think it would. Would you be able to come tomorrow? I know it's Saturday but I promise to feed you." She then gives me (what is probably her first in 2 weeks) her warmest smile. "Not trying sound needy but you're the first person who's actually made me laugh since this all happened. Plus, since you offered, I think talking to someone who understands will help. Besides it'll just be me and my daughter."

"Well ... uh Cat I'd love to but I have my kids and all my usual sitters are gonna be outta town tomorrow."

"Bring them along, me and Bella will sit with them outside in the yard." She said with another smile. "It would actually be good for Bella to have some other kids to play with."

Thinking about it, it hits me, how many times did I just want a day for me and the kids that didn't revolve around grief? "You know that sounds just fine to me. I'll make sure to bring some outside toys also to keep the mess makers occupied. How about we shoot for 10am? Does that sound good?"

"That sounds perfect, see you then!"

Returning back to the office, I get bombarded with a chorus of, "Daddy, Daddy" as my kids come outta the break/daycare room.

"Hey kiddos, were you guys good today?"

"Yes, Daddy I was good, I don't know about him."

Andy just frowns at his sister. "I was good too!" Then looks at me with his 5-year-old indignation. "I really was!"

"Patty what have we talked about? It's not nice to tease your brother like that."

"Yes Daddy." She looks at her brother. "Sorry Bubby, I didn't mean that you were bad. I just didn't know if you were good." She says it with such sincerity that Andy just nods, hugs her and then they both head back to the break room. As is the routine they go color and what not while I finished my daily paperwork, filling out the last work order and putting it in the right outbox. I go see Chuck in his office.

"Hey Chuck, do we still have any of that 10' hardy plank left?" Hardy plank is a form of siding that's best described as a cross between paper mâché and concrete. You cut it with a special blade on your saw and nail it up just like wood siding. Once painted to seal it from moisture it can last for decades.

"Yeah, there's a bunk out in the warehouse, why?"

"I gotta load up before I head out tonight, I'm gonna do the siding for the Cole house tomorrow. Oh, I'm also gonna grab that open 5 gallons of grey exterior."

"Why're you doing that tomorrow? Are they in that much of a hurry to get it done?"

"Not they anymore, it's she, I found out the husband passed about 2 weeks ago. So, when she asked if I could do it tomorrow, I figured, why not. Besides I think she just needs the distraction; weekends can get really quiet when you're dealing with that. At least that's how it was for me."

"What about the kids?"

"She said bring them over, she has a daughter too, so they'll all occupy each other while I work. Also, just so you know I'm only gonna charge her the weekday rate not weekend."

"Yeah, that sounds like you. Well, if it comes up please give her my condolences from the company."

"Will do boss, just let me load up and get me and the kids home for the night."

Pulling my crew cab Ford F-150 up in front of the Cole house, I get out and start wrangling my kids. As I'm getting them out I notice Cat and her daughter heading our way. "Good morning Mrs. C..." I stop at the look she gives me, one eyebrow cocked. "Uh Cat."

"That's better, Rion this is my daughter Bella. Bella this is Rion and his kids." The younger Cole suspiciously eyed me, same as you would an alien invader. Though she did perk up seeing my kids.

"Kids this is Ms. Catherine and her daughter Bella. Cat, Bella these are my kids Patty and Andy." I turned to address her daughter directly. "Bella it's real nice of you and your Mom to watch these two so I can fix your house." This seemed to put her in a somewhat better mood being treated like one of the adults.

"That's ok, Mom said we didn't have anything else to do anyway." She replied with an uninterested tone. Ah preteens, gotta love that attitude.

"Bella why don't you help Patty and Andy take their stuff around back while Rion gets set up."

With that Patty shoulders her toy bag while Andy just drags his. Andy does surprise a smile outta Bella when just reaches out and takes her hand. "I'm Andy. I'm 5." She giggles at his bluntness. "That's my sissy Patty. She's 7." And just like that, as far as he was concerned, they were friends.

"God if it could still be that simple to make friends as adults as it is when you're kids!" I said with a wistful look and a slight shake of the head.

"I don't know, I think your son comes by it honestly, all it took for me was a hug." She says, then walks after the kids giggling to herself. Huh. I guess it was that easy to make a new friend and with that I unload and start to work.

Getting done with the side of the house an hour or so later, I move my set up to the backyard so I can finish up. As I round the corner I come to a dead stop! There before me is a scene I had only dreamt of. A dream I'd wanted for me and Karen. Cat is chasing after all the kids in what Andy likes to call 'Monster Tag'. Basically, whoever is it has to turn into a monster. Just as she tags Bella, Cat looks up and makes eye contact with me. Like being on the same wavelength it's like she knows why I have that look on my face. I have to duck back around the corner before I lose it in front of them. Leaning against the house trying to hold back the sudden wave of 'regret', I don't hear her coming.

A little startled, I hear her. "I'm so sorry Rion, I didn't put it together until Andy told me how old he was." She placed her hand on my shoulder. "They never got to know her did they. She never got to meet him and you never got to see her play with them like that. You really have been through it all haven't you?"

Then just like that it's her arms going around me as I let go and the silent tears roll away. Feeling much longer than it probably was. She holds me till I let it all out.

That's when we hear screaming laughter, and we both look up. She smiles at me, "Bella must've brought the water hose out," she holds me at arm's length "let's go before it gets outta hand!"

Having finished making all the repairs and prepping for paint I start to load up the truck. Finishing about 3 o'clock I head to the backyard. "Come on kids wrap it up, time to get outta their hair. I'm sure they have things to do once we leave."

To my surprise it was Bella that immediately spoke up. "You guys can stay for dinner and then watch a movie!"

"Bella don't be overbearing, they might have their own things to do today." With a sad look she says, "Yes Mom."

"Tell you what Bella, since I have to come back tomorrow and paint that siding, how about y'all watch that movie then? I'll even order a pizza for lunch."

With a grin that makes me think of Patty she said. "Ok you gotta deal." Then shook my hand.

Turning to Cat I say. "So, if you don't mind, me and the kids will be here again about 10, does that sound ok?"

With a smile and a nod Cat says, "yes that sounds just fine."

So, it went, we returned the next day, me to paint and kids to watch movies with Bella. Cat coming out to sit in the yard and talk to me as I paint. She then invited us to stay for dinner with conversation being directed by a 5-year-old. That's how our friendship was started. Adults and kids all with tragedies in common, though able to ignore those tragedies when together. Cat did end up calling that counselor, even went to the support group I used to go to. Every now and then I'd attend a meeting with her.

The high point for the kids is when we find out we have the same birthday. July 13th 1979, we were both born on Friday the 13th. Funny enough we both hate those movies. My kids just couldn't stop talking about it. They kept saying that's why we act the same like the same things and finish each other's sentences. Who was I to knock their logic, I mean we did get along really well with almost no effort at all.

As the weeks go by with everyone falling into a comfortable routine. Family and friends started to take notice. Until one day this is what I hear.

"So, when are you gonna stop using your kids as a buffer and ask that woman out on a real date?" Looking up at this, I see Angie leaning against the door frame of my office.

"She just lost her husband."

"Six months ago, and by all accounts is ready for a real date. I'm not saying propose. Just take her out to dinner. An adults only dinner. No value menus! She's ready, and lord knows you are."

"So, I gotta ask, what brought all this on?"

"Well Patty said her and Bella were talking about how you 2 should just go out and get it over with."

"What! Patty said what!" I said more than a little annoyed.

"Now you hold on, your kids love you and want what's best for you. Even if you're too ox-headed to see it! So, you don't go saying anything to that girl. You think you put on a brave face but they both see how lonely you are. So, reach down and grab hold like you gotta pair and ask that woman out!" She then gave me a grin laced with affectionate frustration and left.

Had I really been that obvious to my children? Has it really been 6 months since we'd met? Has it really been over 8 years since I had a first date? We had gotten to know each other in the past few months but was it only about our shared loss?

Too many questions rolling in my head, I need to just act. So, I pick up my phone and send her a quick text.