A Blowjob Carol

Mary Cummington did not want to give blowjobs to anyone. She and her boyfriend, Dick Cramden, just exchanged goodbyes over the phone early that night. She was too busy to see him and just was not in the mood to be with anyone that evening. That cold winter evening, she sat at her hard-wooden desk reading this month's issue of Feminism in America Magazine. She swallowed whole the ideas of author of "Gender Roles in the Sexual Economy;" in that the patriarchy sets the standards in determining what sex should be. The article outlined to her in concise elaborate language that the male dominated society instilled an expectation that real women should grant sexual favors to men as a form of subservience. This kind of objectivization of women abhorred Mary.

Next to Mary, atop her bookshelf rested the heavily used book, Christian Views on Procreation. She found the belief that she should wait until marriage to have intimacy so compelling that she wished to ameliorate the sin of premarital sex with Dick by starting abstinence.

In her explanation of her newfound celibacy to her boyfriend, she said, "We can't do this anymore; we're living in sin."

"Come on baby, just one more time."

"I'm not putting my mouth on you—sex is for procreation."

"At least give me a kiss."

"Alright, I guess, I still lo—" Their lips locked together for a kiss.

"Come on, I could have you! Right now!"

"I'm leaving for you to calm down."

"Blowjobs never got anyone pregnant."

"The answer is no."

She left him half naked in his bedroom. Dick had a flat stomach and a tight muscular body that he did pushups off the ground with. He sat up in his bed disappointed as she exited the room. She meant to keep her decision to stay sex-free from then on before marriage.

Mary started reading another article on conservative fashion style. She heard a loud thud. A slim cheerful boy with fiery red hair of about only eighteen years old appeared next to her. "Hey baby!" he said.

"Get out of here, or I'll call the cops!"

"No need to call anyone, they wouldn't believe you anyway."

"Hey kid—get out."

"Grab me by the arm and get me out, then."

She tried to touch his arm, but her hands went through him like some polygon in a poorly rendered videogame. "What's going on?!"

"You will be visited by three spirits and I am the first of them, the Spirit of Blowjob Past or you can call me Alex; pleased to meet you. I'm here to show you your youth from more than a decade ago."

"My God, I have to get a psych eval tomorrow on top of my things to do."

"I assure you am real. You aren't dreaming. Now close your eyes."

"If I do, will you go away?" She looked up at him with her eyes shut.

"Now open them."

She saw her English Composition teacher at her old Community College lecturing. Both Mrs. Donahue and Mary had the same height—five foot five—as she remembered correctly. The English Teacher stood in front of the classroom teaching a packed class of about thirty college freshmen. Curt, a broad shouldered but skinny boy with green eyes and blonde hair, sat in the chair in the front row; where he always used to sit. Mary recognized a ten years younger version of herself behind him; a thin petite girl with brown hair and blue eyes.

"That's me and my old boyfriend," voyeur Mary said.

"Class is over—remember to read the first three chapters of Animal Farm by Orwell for tomorrow." Mrs. Donahue said.

In a flurry, the rest of thirty or so students got up and marched out of the packed classroom. Curt and the teenage Mary lingered in the empty class. "Did you do the calculus homework?" teen Mary said.

"Not yet," the boy said.

"We can do it together then."

"Sure, come to my house."

Blowjob Past raised his finger and the whole scene surrounding them paused. "Now let's take us to where you 'do the homework' together," Alex said.

"Curt Rodman was my first love," the older Mary said.

Teenage Mary sat next to Curt on his burgundy bed with a large Calculus textbook between them. He had a cherry lollipop in his mouth. His bedroom was like any other sleeping quarters of a teenage boy with posters of female models in swimsuits decorating the wooden panel walls.

"Curt, I think if it's divided by x as x goes to infinity, it becomes zero," teen Mary said.

"I think so, too. What do you think of this equation?" Curt pointed to his side of the book. He caressed the lollipop with his tongue.

Teenage Mary picked up the textbook to get a closer look. The boy put his mouth candy on a napkin and kissed her intensely on the side of the cheek. She put down the large book, turned, and kissed him back on the lips.

"I know what happens after this—unproductive casual sinful sex," the voyeur Mary said.

The teenage girl then laid back while Curt kissed her. He put his hand down her pants and massaged her vagina with the tips of his fingers. He took them out and put her legs up in the air. He removed her jeans; revealing her long legs, thick thighs, and shaved vagina. Curt bent over and started to lick his friend's private area. Teenage Mary sat back, enjoying herself.

"Ok, that's enough," the voyeur Mary said.

"I'll fast forward fifteen minutes," Alex said.

"Stop, we've got to get back to work," teen Mary said.

"Do it to me next, please!" Curt said.

"Come on, I don't want to fail this test," teen Mary said.

"I can remember this on my own, thank you," mature Mary said.

"Come on!" Curt said.

"Watch the last scene," Blowjob Past said.

Mary recognized the hallway of her old high school around them. The dark reddish tile floor colors contrasted with the cream white and maroon lockers. Curt stood next to Mary's locker while she got her books.

"I'm sorry but I've got to talk to you," Curt said.

"What is it?" teen Mary said.

"Well I've been really busy as of late and I can't make time to see you."

"Why? Are we still together?"

"Yeah—I've been occupied with swim practice and such, I—uh—can't afford to see you anymore."

"He's just being nice. He doesn't want to sound ridiculous that he's breaking up with you because you won't give him head," the ghost of Blowjob Past said.

"You're the one being absurd," mature Mary said.

The apparition disappeared in the blink of an eye. Mary took a deep breath and got back to her desk to read FiA feverishly. The front cover article laid out a concise argument why gender roles enslave people by preventing them from being who they really are. She felt she had to occupy her mind; anything to get her over these hallucinations.

She raised her head from the publication and saw a blue non-transparent portal open and a man looking of her age, thirty, come through and materialize. He held a cane with a crystal ball on the top of it that he used as a fashion accessory. He wore a red suit and white tie with a mink overcoat-like cape and had the look of a pimp dressed for a party. His clean-shaven face had high cheekbones. He smiled at her.

"Hello—unlike my colleague, Tim, I am concerned with what's happening right now. My name is Gary and the present moment is a present," the Gary said.

"I am trying to figure out if I am being visited by ghosts or need professional help."

"I am a real ghost. You'll see. The subject of my business here are blowjobs and the ridiculous fact you've recently been abstaining from sex altogether."

"I guess you're not here to steal anything, except my sanity. Oral sex is degrading, and sex is for procreation; I'm not succumbing to the animal instinct."

"Lies, there's nothing wrong with sex, with blowjobs."

"BJs don't result in reproduction—so they're sinful."

"A hummer is with your heart, not your mouth."

"Either way, I'm waiting 'till marriage."

Gary grabbed FiA magazine on top of the desk in front of Mary and said, "don't read this filth!" He threw the feminist publication against the wall and into the wastebasket. From the inside of his blazer, he took out a VHS of Debbie does Dallas. "Watch this and learn." From his front pocket, he withdrew a rolled-up copy of 50 Shades of Grey. "And you should be reading stuff more like this!"

"So, I should be watching and reading porn?"

"Exactly!"

"Why?"

"You should get into the blowjob spirit. You can learn from observing the masters and read to get yourself in the mood."

"This is ludicrous."

"We're not even done here. Let's take a look at what your significant other is up to."

Blowjob Present and herself now stood in Dick's room. Her boyfriend sat his computer desk staring at the computer screen with his right hand on the mouse and the other inside his pajama pants. An open jar of Vaseline lay next to the monitor before him. His left arm kept moving up and down as he gritted his teeth, ready to ejaculate.

"Dick! What are you doing?" Mary said.

"He can't hear you," Gary said.

"He's jerking off to porn again. I wish he wouldn't, but it's not really a big deal," Mary said.

"He's doing this because you don't please him."

"It's not my job to please him."

"You should please each other."

"We are not animals."

"Then you deny your humanity."

Mary found herself in front of the chair to her study desk alone. She found the paperback copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and the videotape Debbie does Dallas on top of the desk right where Gary left them. Feeling the soft texture of the cover of Fifty Shades of Grey in her hands, she started to realize the ghosts were real. She paced around in nervous anticipation for the Ghost of Blowjob Future to come.

After about twenty paces around the room she heard coughing. An old man with a black button-down shirt with burgundy corduroys, terrible posture, and a metal walker covered in cobwebs appeared behind her.

"Hello dear," the apparition said, "I am the Spirit of Blowjob Future, but you can call me Mort."

"Show me what you're going to and set me on my way," Mary said.

"Very well. This all can be prevented if you change your ways. Here's the first vision I have to share with you."

They suddenly became surrounded by haystacks inside a barn with a dance floor under them. A crowd of people gathered around each other dancing. Dick, in a cowboy hat and blue jeans, stood on the outskirts with a beer in his hand talking to a woman wearing similar attire. The cowgirl female had large breasts and a shapely lower body.

"This must be the Spring Barnyard Dance. Where am I? I should be there," Mary said.

"He went without you," Mort said.

"And who's he talking to?" Mary said.

"We will see," Mort said.

"You look good Heather, real good," Dick said.

"Heather Goodman? I've heard of her. She's the town trollop," Mary said.

"I suggest you be quiet so you can hear," Mort said.

"You should come over to my place to watch the game after this," Heather said.

"Ok, sure, I mean why not, my girlfriend is on one of her reading binges," Dick said.

"Say no more about your girlfriend—I'll treat you right," Heather said.

"Oh my God. I don't want to see anymore, please," Mary said.

"You can just close your eyes, so you won't see the consequences of your inaction," Mort said.

The surroundings changed to a small bedroom with the Mets vs. Red Sox playing at Shea on a small TV atop a dresser. Heather and Dick entered the room. The red walls complemented the blackish red carpet.

"My girlfriend never wants to hang out with me in my bedroom," Dick said.

"Well I do," Heather said.

"She won't even have sex with me either," Dick said.

"I could give you a blowjob," Heather said.

"Really?!" Dick said.

"Sit down," Heather said.

Mary's boyfriend sat upright on the side of the bed while the hot strumpet kissed him on the lips. The almost adulterous woman got low and took off Dick's leather belt. She then started to unbutton and unzip his pants.

"Had enough?" Mort said.

"Yes!" Mary said.

"Very well, I am not much of a sadist," Mort said.

With of wave of Mort's hand, Mary found herself and him standing at a church on a warm spring day. A crowd of people lined the path to the entrance of the place of worship in between them. Dick and Heather, dressed as bride and groom, walked out of the open doors and into the sunlight together holding hands. The couple looked like they belonged on top of a wedding cake. All the happy people excitedly cheered them and threw rice as the bride and the groom walked towards the sidewalk.

"This is terrible. Who do I marry?" Mary asked.

"Let us see if you get married." Mort said.

The scenery changed in a split-second to a white hospital room. A lonely old lady in a bed appeared to be dying. A heart monitor attached to the woman beeped on five second intervals. Two nurses talked at the door in whispers.

"No visitors again," the petite female nurse with a great body said.

"I feel bad for her," The other equally hot nurse said.

"What's this got to do with anything?" Mary said.

"The dying old lady is you." Mort said.

"No—it can't be!" Mary said.

The petite nurse approached the sickly woman in the bed. "I'm going to get you your plate, Mary."

"I die alone?" young Mary asked.

"Yes," Mort said.

"No!"

"A blowjob is the ultimate expression of love and devotion. Express it to Dick."

Mort vanished instantly. Mary grabbed and pulled her hair. She knew what she had to do. She got on a revealing flesh colored shirt and tight jeans. She marched outside and drove to Dick's apartment. He answered his door wearing the same pajamas as in the vision.

"I'm watching the gubernatorial race coverage on BLW," Dick said.

"Interesting, can I come in and watch it, too?"

"What a pleasant surprise! Of course."

They got into his quaint living room and sat on the burgundy plush sofa. Mary could see opposing red and blue percentages and bar graphs displayed on television screen. Sixty-nine plus minus four was in red to the right and thirty-seven percent with a margin of error of six percent was on the left in blue.

"What's going on on the TV?" Mary said.

"Nicole Horatio is below Nick Hardwick in the polls. If this continues, her campaign will be put to its knees. They'll have to work hard to get the vote out. They'll probly start by doing and saying things to please the constituency. I can't wait until I see the climax on election day when the results come out. I am hoping that Nicole handles Nick the best she can," Dick said.

"I like where your head is at," Mary said.

"What?"

Mary kissed Dick, leaned over, and unbuckled his pants. She reached in his trousers and grabbed his erect circumcised penis with her hand. His large member made her hands look small as she held it with both at once. Her fingers gently messaged the girth of his cock. Her tongue gently licked the tip. She took the whole of it in her mouth and gave suction around it. After five minutes of the gentle up-and-down motion of Mary's mouth, Dick got excited and erupted. Mary eagerly sucked all his semen in her mouth and swallowed his cum loudly.

"Stay with me," Mary said.

"I never was going anywhere, honey. I thought you weren't going to do stuff like this anymore?" Dick said.

"I have seen the error of my ways; I want to keep you and have you."