A Father's Diary

I don't know where to start or even why I feel the need to put this on paper. The last 3 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster: from excitement to unbearable guilt; from complete boredom to unending thrills. Most of all, for the first time in a long time, I feel alive.

I have lived a life of secrets and denial. My first sexual experiences were with other guys. My friends and I saw our play as a way to get off before any of us really had girlfriends. We started looking at porn and then mutually jacking off. Our experimentation evolved. We would share a twelve pack of PBR, our liquid courage, and began to play "Seven Minutes in Heaven" where two of us would go into a room for seven minutes and whatever happened remained a secret between the two. Maybe it was because I was smaller than the others, or maybe it was just the vibe I gave off, but I was selected most often to go into the room with each of my friends. Soon, I was the only one going with each of them.

Mutual masturbation evolved quickly into hand jobs. My penis was smaller than theirs. It was weird at first, but I grew to enjoy holding their thick cocks in my hand, stroking them until they would cum. Half the time, they were too excited to stroke me. After a while, it was just me jacking them off, round after round, until their balls were empty or my arm got too tired.

In time, the hand jobs gave way to blow jobs. I was sitting on the small cot in the room we used for our game and jacking off one of my friends, probably, the third or fourth hand job in a row. I was slowing because my arm was tired and he was getting frustrated. He got pissed and said, "why don't you just suck it instead?"

He put his hand on the back of my head and pulled my face to his cock. He began to rub it all over my mouth, cheeks and chin. I was embarrassed but fuck, he smelled so good. I opened my mouth and he shoved his cock in too fast. I gagged and my eyes watered. He backed off and went back in slowly. Little by little, I took more of him into my mouth, my tongue swirling around his head and then sucking harder as I moved up and down on his shaft. He tasted so good. I could feel him getting harder in my mouth as I moved back and forth. Each time, I could take him further in my mouth without gagging. I continued to bob up and down until he let out a deep groan and his penis began to pulsate, shooting salty, slick sperm against the back of my throat. Fighting the urge to gag, I held still as spurt after spurt filled my mouth. As he finished, I swallowed hard and could feel his cum move down my throat. The others quickly realized that there was more on the menu than just getting whacked off and soon, I was leaving our game slightly nauseous with a belly full of cum.

Anal sex came a few sessions later. One of my friends had come in with me for the usual blow job, but after just a minute or two of sucking, he pulled my mouth off his cock. "Damn, I need to fuck!," he exclaimed.

Before I had a chance to respond, my friend spun me around, shoved his cock up my ass and began thrusting hard. The only lubricant being my own spit from the blow job, it hurt so much at first. It felt like I was being torn open. But then, as his precum leaked, working as a lubricant and my sphincter relaxed, it began to feel good. It felt really good. I had to hide my moans of pleasure to avoid seeming "too gay." After humping furiously, he settled into a steady, good rhythm, speeding only as his climax approached. As it came close, he slammed into me deeply with three long, hard thrusts, and then held still. I could feel him twitching inside me, knowing he was cumming in me. I stayed bent over in stunned silence as he withdrew. I could feel a bead of thick cum ooze from my ass and down my balls. Again, it did not take long for the others to discover anal sex.

Our weekly session continued for the better part of a year. For them, the gender did not matter as long as the mouth and hole were warm and willing. It was all about cumming for them. These experiences, however, felt different to me. As the one who was the "mouth and hole," it was more complicated. I could not admit it, but I loved our play. I could not wait until Friday night would arrive each week. I loved the way they smelled and tasted. The sounds of their moans of pleasure stirred me inside. I loved how hard they would get in my mouth in the moments before they came. I didn't like the taste of cum at first, but over time, I grew to love it in all forms -- thick and white, thin and runny, sour, sweet, and salty. The anal sex was the same. I could not wait until the first moments when one of them would push his cock into me, stretching me. It still would hurt a little at first since none of us really knew about lube. But then after taking the first load, I was slick and the feeling of being fucked over and over and over was just amazing. Most Friday nights for me ended with a belly of cheap beer and cum, and a sore ass filled with jizz.

As with everything in life, nothing lasts forever. In time each of us got enough courage to ask a girl out, and we all ended up with girlfriends. "Seven Minutes in Heaven" was relegated to whenever a couple got into a fight, was taking a break or the girlfriend was having her period. I knew my friends' girlfriends' monthly cycles by how often they would call to "hang out" each month. In time, we all moved away and the game faded. I haven't seen any of these old friends in years, but I bet they had either forgotten our fun, or they would lie and claim not to remember. It is probably easier that way.

While the guys moved on, it was harder for me. It is one thing to close your eyes and fuck a guy. Once you are inside an ass or mouth, you can tell yourself it is all the same and never think twice. But when you are the one being fucked, it is a feeling you cannot simply put out of your mind. I did my best. I did the "normal" thing that all guys were expected to do. I found a decent girl who became a girlfriend, then fiancee. She was plain and sweet, a good girl. She never liked sex much, but that was ok with me. While straight sex felt good, it just did not compare to the thrill and sensations of having a guy gripping my hips and fucking until he came hard in me.

By all appearances, life proceeded normally: a job, a promotion, then a house, a daughter and then a son. Weekends were spent doing yard work or coaching soccer or little league. To anyone looking from the outside, I was a typical suburban dad. But, of course, things are rarely as they seem. For me, the urges never went away. The need got stronger and stronger. One day, I got the courage to stop at an adult bookstore on the way home from work and bought a ten dollar ticket for the movie theater. I went into the dark theater and took a seat near the back as some shitty porn played on the screen in an endless loop. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could see other guys in there, all in various stages of play. Fuck, it was like "Seven Minutes in Heaven" on a grand scale. Straight or gay, whatever happened in the dark theater stayed secret.

On that first visit, an older guy came in and sat near me. He opened his pants, pulled out his cock and began stroking. He looked over at me, making eye contact and nodded for me to come closer. I sat next to him. My heart was pounding. I took his penis in my hand and began to jack him off. He put his hand on the back of my head and pulled me closer. I closed my eyes, opened my mouth and began to suck him. It felt so good, just like the old times. I didn't even notice his tap on my back, signaling that he was going to cum. I continued to suck until I felt the warm thick cum coat my tongue. After he finished, he just smiled and leaned in for a kiss. It was all too much for me. I got up quickly. I was embarrassed that I just sucked off a stranger and swore I would never come back again.

But, within a week, I was back at the same adult bookstore. This time, instead of the big open theater, I walked to the video booths. I shut the door and fed a twenty dollar bill into the video machine. I took a seat on the cheap molded plastic chair and flipped through the channels of all kinds of straight and gay porn. I began to jerk off to a video of two guys fucking, but then out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the hole between my booth and the one next door. Curious, I leaned over and peeked. I saw a guy in the next booth, open his pants and begin masturbating. He must have noticed me peeking. He got up from his chair and put his cock through the hole. Instinctively, I got on my knees and took him in my mouth. I sucked his cock until he tapped on the wall. Not yet understanding the signal, I continued to suck until he came. He finished and left. I sat on the chair and waited. In a little while, another guy came in. And, in no time, he pushed his dick through the hole and I sucked him off too. I stayed for a half hour with guy after guy coming in, sticking their cocks through the hole. Each time, I sucked them until they came. I left with the familiar feeling of a belly full of sperm, content for the first time in a long time.

Over the years, I would learn that the holes were called "glory holes." And I began to understand the etiquette. I would go into a booth, strip, and when I heard someone enter the adjoining booth, I would stick my hand through the hole to signal that I wanted to suck. A tap on the wall meant he was going to cum. Most of the time, I would swallow it. At least once a week, I would stop into this bookstore or another and suck random strangers. In time, I grew more brave and occasionally, I would bend over and press my ass to the hole for a good fuck.

The years moved quickly. After the kids were born, neither my wife nor I showed much interest in sex with each other, but it worked for us. We would enjoy movies and socialize. We were always busy with the children's recitals, plays, track meets, and other activities. Life remained good and to all others, we were "normal." But again, I continued to visit glory holes and occasionally the movie theaters to play with random men. I knew it was wrong to hide my secret, but I did not care. My wife lived happily without knowing, the kids grew up healthy, and I was able to still satisfy those needs that were born from my time with my friends.

In no time, the kids were away at college, returning for breaks between semesters and summer jobs. My son returned from his sophomore year about a month ago and took a job as an intern at a nearby office. Life was mundane, but ok. As I had for years, on my way home from work, I stopped at an adult bookstore. My routine was so regular I didn't even notice a familiar faded hatchback in the parking lot as I pulled in and parked near the rear entrance.

I walked in, nodded to the clerk, and moved to my usual booth. I was horny so I fed a couple of twenties into the machine and undressed, waiting for a neighbor. I heard a rustling in the booth next door, so I reached through and motioned to the guy. I could not see his face clearly. He had gone into the booth but did not put in any money, so it was too dark to see his face. He looked at my hand but did not understand. I whispered, "Put some money in the machine and stick your dick through the hole for a blow job."

The stranger complied nervously. I saw the light from the video machine come on and he stuck his cock through the hole. Fuck, it was magnificent. Not too big, not too small. Shaped perfectly. I got close and inhaled his scent. It was intoxicating. I leaned over and sucked him into my mouth. He was too good to let him go with a quick blowie. I lingered over his large head and licked the underside of his shaft. I sucked him deeply, slowly, edging him close to cumming but holding off to keep it going. When he finally could not resist any longer, he exploded into my mouth with an oddly familiar sounding groan. I did not give it much thought, focused on the rope after rope of thick cum that was filling my mouth. It was incredible. He finished and I could tell he was embarrassed by what he had just done. His machine went dark and I sat naked in my booth until I heard his door open and he left. I sat in silence, thinking about him. Sure, I had sucked hundreds of cocks, but this felt so different, so good.

The next day I could barely concentrate at work. I wanted to go back, praying he would be there again. At the same time of day, I pulled into my usual spot in the back lot at the bookstore and took my usual booth. I hoped he would be back, that he felt the same way. I sat and sat, refusing various cocks pushed through the hole, waiting for that beautiful penis. I was almost ready to give up when I heard the door open, the video machine go on, and saw the amazing cock pass into my booth through the glory hole. My heart jumped. Again, I treated him gently to an amazing blow job, slow and passionate. I felt his excitement grow and sucked greedily as he again filled my mouth with his cum. As he dressed and began to leave, I whispered, "See you tomorrow."

The stranger stopped for a moment as if my voice startled him. He then left quickly.

We continued the meetings for another week or so. Each time felt better than the last. I was on cloud nine. Over dinner one night, my wife noticed the additional spring in my step and asked why I was so happy. I explained that work was really going well and the later nights at the office were paying off. My wife and daughter were happy and moved on to other topics. My son sat quietly, nervously, through dinner.

The following week our meeting continued. I loved the way this stranger tasted, but wanted more. One afternoon, after sucking him hard, I stood and pressed my ass to the hole. The stranger pushed inside and gasped as he began to fuck me. He was slow and steady with long, fluid strokes. After what felt like an eternity of slow, good fucking, he began to thrust harder, faster, and deeper. Finally, he pushed in hard, just as I pressed back against the hole and I could feel him cumming deep inside me. It was incredible. After he came, he remained inside me as we both struggled to catch our breaths. He finally, spoke, "Fuck, that was incredible."

This time I was not too distracted to recognize the familiar voice. Shocked, I stood up and he pulled out of me. I dressed quickly, not even stopping to clean the semen that had begun to drip from my ass. I opened the door as he did and our eyes met. Holy fuck, the stranger with the cock I loved to suck, the cock that had just fucked me so well, was... my son. We stopped for a second, looking at each other with pure shock and then quickly walked away. He left through the front of the store, and I left through the back.

The next few days were sheer misery. I was racked with guilt and fear that my secret would be exposed. Neither of us visited the bookstore and dinners were eaten in near silence. We did our best to avoid each other.

A couple of nights later, my wife and daughter decided to go to the movies. As my wife left, she suggested that he and I should have a couple of beers and make it a "boys' night." We nodded nervously at her suggestion, watching her and my daughter leave. My son stood from the table and began to leave. I took a deep breath, and spoke. "Wait. We need to talk."

I took a couple of beers from the fridge and we both sat back down. He listened quietly as I told him everything -- the "Seven Minutes in Heaven," the theater, and then my regular visits to the booths. I told him I was sorry if I hurt him in any way, that I loved him, and, for what it was worth, the times we had met in the booths had meant so much to me even though I had no idea it was him.

He then made his own confession. He told me how he had dated girls through high school but it never felt quite right. He told me about meeting a guy at a college party and feeling an instant attraction. He explained how they had gone back to the guy's apartment and how they fucked all night. He said that sex finally felt right to him, that this guy understood him and welcomed how he thrusted inside him. He told me that this guy was the best fuck ever until, well, until he met a guy in the adult bookstore. I tried, but could not contain my smile. He couldn't either.

He spoke nervously, "So, what now? Where do we go from here?"

I cleared the lump in my throat and spoke. "It is up to you. You are my son and I love you. Nothing will change. Your secret is safe with me. And I hope mine is safe with you. Whatever you want to do, it is ok with me."

A look of relief came across his face. "Really?"

"Yes, really."

We both stood and I moved close, embracing him in a fatherly hug. But, as it lingered, we both felt a familiar stirring. He looked at me and I looked at him. I moved closer. So did he. We hesitated for a second and moved in to kiss. Fuck, it was an incredible kiss. We stood in the kitchen in silence, kissing deeply and passionately, our hands running over each other's bodies. Our mouths pressed together hard. Our tongues moved against each other. Both of us felt the pangs of guilt, but the feelings were too strong.

As if the same idea hit us both at the same time, we both hurried downstairs to the finished "man cave." Neither my wife or daughter had any use for the room and never came downstairs. We both undressed quickly and I laid back on the leather couch. He got on top of me as we continued to kiss. His weight felt so good on top of me. No longer separately by a wall in a dirty video booth, we made love vigorously. He lifted my legs and rested my ankles on his strong shoulders. I slid a pillow underneath me and he entered me completely. He was incredible. We fucked in a perfect rhythm. Slowly, then quickly, hard then soft. I could feel him edge close and then pause.

As we continued to fuck, I could feel a change come over me. It started as a tingling deep inside me. The tingling grew and grew, becoming more intense as it spread over my body. As he continued to fuck me harder and harder as his own orgasm approached, the feeling took over. My abs tightened and my legs began to tremble. As he slammed in hard with his final thrusts, the crest of the wave crashed over me in the most intense orgasm of my life. At the same time, he exploded deep within me, filling me with his hot cum. We lay naked on the couch in silence while his cock softened inside me until it slipped out. We clutched each other in a loving embrace until we saw headlights through the window. We dressed quickly and greeted my wife and daughter. I listened to them tell us of the movie they saw, very much aware that his cum was leaking from me.

So, now I sit here, writing this all down. Maybe I will delete the file. Maybe I will save it to read later after we figure out what this all means, and where we will go from here. But for now, I do not want these feelings to end.

To be continued...