A Fool in Love

Bedtime was the worst. The only thing I could think of was how much I missed the feel of him pressed up tight against me as I'd look over at the empty pillow.

One night, I was watching a few episodes of Mr. Bean, laughing to myself, with Riley beside me on the couch softly snoring, when he finally called. I almost jumped out of my skin when I saw it was him on the call display.

I could feel my heart pounding, just hearing him say, "Hey, it's me. What are you guys up to?"

"Riley and I are just watching some TV. Lucy didn't think much of it, so she went upstairs to bed."

He chuckled. "Sorry, I didn't call sooner. But I got roped into a few things as soon as I got here. And it hasn't stopped since. I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing."

"Everything's good. And how's the baby?"

"Last I heard they were still waiting for the little guy to make an appearance. But I'm glad that Jimmy's with her, or he'd be worried sick if he was stuck down here and she went into labor without him."

"Look, I know you're busy, Rafe. So you don't have to keep checking in on us, but thanks for calling." Knowing how he was busy, I didn't want to sound needy or have him thinking I expected nightly phone calls. I hesitated and decided to add, "But it is nice to hear your voice."

"It's really good to hear you, too. Just thought I'd let you know I've been invited to go out on a client's yacht for a few days, so I'll be tied up and might not be able to call."

"Just enjoy yourself and don't worry about us. Carrie and Marcus will be back in just over a week, so I'm sure we'll be fine till then."

"Well, the other thing is... I wanted to tell you that I miss you."

I smiled. "I miss you, too."

Then I heard a woman's voice in the background and froze as I heard her say, "Rafe, are you coming?"

"Yeah, be right there," he said, barely bothering to cover the phone. "Sorry, Sophia, I'm just going in for dinner. You take care, okay?"

"Yeah, you too."

I stared at the phone after he hung up, and I tried to tell myself that it was just business and he wasn't out having dinner with another woman. But of course, I had no way to know.

He called a few more times, and we didn't talk long. But it was still good to hear from him.

With Rafe gone, waiting for the kids to get back, at nights, I kept myself busy reading and watching movies. But you can you read so much, and I was finding it hard to concentrate on whatever I was watching.

Until finally, Carrie and Marcus called to tell me they were on their way home. And I was glad I'd be getting my life back. Because I knew what I was doing when I was teaching, and wouldn't be so spending so much time thinking about Rafe, and what he might be up to. Because I did not want to turn into a jealous shrew like his ex-wife, it just wasn't me.

But it really warmed my heart to see them home again. They looked so happy when they got back, both giving me big hugs and kisses as they gushed about their trip.

I could really see Rafe in his son. Marcus was tall and dark, and as handsome as his dad, and every bit as charming, which I imagined was why Carrie fell for him so hard.

As I listened to them sharing the details of their adventures, I decided that they made a really cute couple, my pretty blonde daughter and Rafe's good looking son.

When we finally sat down, Carrie handed me a little gift bag, and I shook my head at her, and she just laughed. Lifting it out of the bag, I saw it was a beautiful gold necklace with a stylized hibiscus that I told them they shouldn't have bought. But it really was pretty. And I thought it was sweet that they wanted to thank me, when part of me thought I should be thanking them for probably the best time I'd ever had in my life, with Marcus's father.

I knew they had to unpack and get back into their routine, so I didn't hang around too long. After I'd kissed them both goodbye, I headed out for the long drive home.

Once I got back, I looked around my condo feeling a little lost. I couldn't believe how much I missed Rafe, especially since I didn't know what was happening with us.

But it did feel good to get back to school. I always enjoyed working with the kids, and they seemed happy to have me back.

Of course my friend Tanisha couldn't wait to hear all the naughty details about my fun with Rafe.

Since we normally had lunch at a little hole in the wall place not too far from the campus, I promised we'd talk over lunch. We had barely sat down at our table, and she was grinning and saying, "Okay, girlfriend, spill."

Not too sure how much I wanted to share, I told her about some of the fun stuff, like the picnic on the beach, where we almost got caught making out like kids. And I mentioned the scare the dog gave us when he ran out on the road. But I wasn't ready, even to share with her, how much I was missing Rafe.

So, hoping she'd let it drop, I picked up the menu, looked it over and casually said, "I think I'll have the nicoise salad. That's usually good here. How about you?"

Smiling across the table, shaking her head at me, she said, "You fell for him, didn't you?"

I put down the menu looked over at her, and nodded my head, because I knew I had. Silly me, for him it was probably just a fling, and I'd gone and fallen head over heels for him.

Rafe called a few nights later, and I was curled up in bed with a racy book. "Hey, gorgeous. Just hoping you haven't got Bruno in bed with you."

I laughed because I hadn't even considered resorting to using my toy lately. Mostly because I had a feeling it wouldn't do much for me anymore, not after what I'd shared with him.

"I really was hoping I'd be coming home soon, but it looks like I'm going to be heading overseas. I've been invited to a car rally, that I can't really turn down. The guy has the biggest collection of classic Bugattis in the world, and from what he said, I think he wants to discuss adding another one to his collection."

I started to realize as he talked about what it was like to rub elbows with the rich and famous, and with the type of life he led that had him jet-setting all over the world, that we moved in completely different circles. And I realized it wasn't very likely we'd ever be able to have any kind of relationship with how busy he was, since I didn't imagine he came home very often, at least not to stay.

Feeling my heart sink down somewhere around my knees, I swallowed hard and said, "Well, I hope you have a good time."

He didn't say anything for a moment, then he said, "Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just a little tired," I lied, since I knew that we were probably done.

"Well, okay, then I'll call when I can."

"Sure, if you want to."

"What do you mean, if I want to? You sure everything's okay? You're not upset with me, are you? It's just that this isn't something that Jake could handle, or I'd let him. But I'll be back as soon as I can, I promise."

I didn't want to get into it, so I just said, "No of course I'm not upset. Everything's fine. You have a good trip, okay?"

I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried myself to sleep, but I figured I'd earned it, because I'd been foolish enough to fall in love with a man that I knew I could never have. No matter what he said, I think we both knew we'd never be together.

So, I did my best to get back into a routine, and tried to push him out of my head, because there wasn't much else I could do.

Still, I was little surprised that after that last phone call, for the longest time, I didn't hear another word from him, not even a text.

One morning I was in the break room with Tanisha having coffee and she was telling me a funny story about her two year old nephew, stealing bits of kibble out the dog's bowl, because he said they were was nice and crunchy. I laughed as I took a sip of coffee, and then I shuddered, and almost wanted to spit it out, it just tasted so bitter.

She must have noticed the look on my face and said, "What's wrong?"

"I don't know who made the coffee, but it tastes awful, it's so bitter I can't even drink it."

After she had a sip of hers, she shook her head. "Well, it's not gourmet or anything, but it tastes the same to me."

I took another sip, winced and got up and tossed it. And thought maybe I'd better switch to tea.

The next morning, after my alarm went off, I went to get out of bed, and my stomach started to heave. I felt like I was seasick and I had to lie down again.

I tried to remember what I'd eaten the night before, but it was just scrambled eggs and toast, and that had never bothered me.

I really had to take my time getting ready. And I couldn't even think of eating anything, so I just had some water, deciding maybe I'd get a muffin and tea in a drive-thru on the way to work.

But when I took a bite of the carrot muffin I always liked, and tried to wash it down with the tea, that tasted even more bitter than the coffee, I felt like I was going to be sick. I wondered if I might have caught a bug, and decided I'd better turn around and head back home so I wouldn't pass it on to any of the kids or the rest of the staff.

A few hours later it seemed to clear up, so I got back in the car and headed out again.

I managed to get through the rest of my classes, but it still felt like something was off. The queasy feeling just wouldn't go away. And I was afraid to eat anything, because I knew I'd feel even worse, and I didn't want to be sick.

I called to make an appointment with the doctor, and luckily she had a cancellation and told me to come after school.

After she checked me for a fever, pressing down on my abdomen, looking down at me, she said, "There's no chance you could be pregnant, is there?"

I looked up at her, stunned. Oh, god, I couldn't be pregnant, could I? Unless he'd lied and told me I'd be safe with him, when I wasn't.

Feeling sick all over again, I nodded and said, "I had unprotected sex. But he said he'd had a vasectomy. And I don't think he'd be the type to lie."

"Well, you can take a test, and we'll know for sure." Then she tipped her head. "Do you know if he followed up after the procedure to be sure that it worked?"

"I have no idea."

I actually I didn't know anything anymore. My head was spinning. There was just no way I could pregnant. Not at forty-two.

My cycle wasn't as regular as it used to be, and I couldn't remember if I'd had it lately or not. Of course I never I had to worry about it before, because before, I wasn't having sex.

Some April Fools that was, if I did get pregnant. But I knew I couldn't tell Rafe -- or my daughter. What would she think? I'd given her the safe sex talk, drilled it into her head when she'd started dating. And yet I'd been careless enough to believe him, and hadn't taken my own advice.

Before she even called me to let me know that I was expecting, I knew I was. My breasts were tender and felt swollen. I woke up feeling sick every morning. Everything I ate tasted weird. And I was feeling a little bloated and a little thicker around the waist, though I was way to early to be showing.

So... I was knocked up.

And by the sounds of it, the baby daddy had ditched me.

Sitting up in bed, rubbing my flat little belly, I imagined I'd be raising this one on my own, too.

But at eighteen I was lucky enough to have my parents, happy to pitch in with Carrie.

Not this time though, not at my age. I'd have to do this all on my own.

I could feel a tear running down my face, as I thought of the little life growing inside me, a precious little thing that I already loved.

Once I accepted the idea that I was going to be a mother again, at forty-three, by the time it was born, it had been so long since I had baby that I decided I'd better do a little research.

I was online looking up the different maternity vitamins, and reading articles about late in life pregnancies, when my phone rang.

Just the sound of it shocked me, and I really hoped it was Rafe, finally deciding to call. I would never tell him over the phone, but now I really needed to hear his voice.

But it wasn't him. Just the way, Carrie said, "Hi, Mom," I could tell she was happy about something.

"Hi, you. What's up?"

I could hear the tremble in her voice and imagined she was so excited she was probably shivering. "Marcus and I have some news. We're going to have a baby! I'm pregnant. I think I might have even conceived on April 1^st, our anniversary, isn't that cool?"

Without even noticing I was doing it, I started rubbing a hand over my belly as I said, "That is so cool. Congratulations, you two. I'm so happy for you. And I just know you're going to make great parents."

"Thanks, Mom. We thought we'd tell you first, but now we have to call everyone else. Oh, we're so excited. What do you think about Turquoise?"

"You mean, for the babies room?"

"No, I mean if it's a girl. What do you think of the name?"

I rolled my eyes, and decided not to share what I thought about having to call my granddaughter a name like Turquoise. Trying to be diplomatic, I said, "Well, it's... different."

"Yeah, I know. We want something really unique, a name that will let her know how special we think she is."

"Well, you keep thinking, then. And tell Marcus that I love you both. You take care of yourself, sweetheart. And you better start taking your vitamins."

"I will, Mom. Love you, too."

Well, at least our kids could play together, since they'd be the same age. Only hers would be playing with their aunt or uncle -- two times over, considering who the father was.

I guess no one could ever call it inbreeding, but they'd still probably think it was kind of weird that the two of us had hooked up and had a baby together.

-----

Melba toast, baby cookies and water seemed to be the only things that didn't upset my stomach, so I always had a bag of them with me. Without even thinking, I was nibbling on a baby cookie in the breakroom, with a bottle of water beside me as was I reading over some essays the kids had handed in, when Tanisha walked in. She saw me with the cookie and water and said, "You okay?"

I knew I wasn't showing, but she had to have noticed that every day I seemed to have another excuse for why I didn't want to go out for lunch or even a coffee.

She sat down and studied me for a moment. "Something you want to tell me?"

If there was anyone who would understand, it would be her. So, I nodded and told her what had happened.

I thought she'd be upset for me, but she surprised me when she got up, threw arms her around me and started laughing. "Oh, wow. So, what did he say when you told him? He must have shocked. But I bet he was happy. I can't believe you got yourself a hot baby daddy, you bad girl."

When I bit into my lip and didn't say anything, her eyes went big and she said, "You haven't told him about the baby yet, have you?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Sophia, you can't keep something like this to yourself. Not only does he have a right to know that you're carrying his baby, but he's responsible for it, too. There were two of you there when the little guy was being made, you know. And it wasn't just you."

Then I told her what he'd said about having a vasectomy, and that I wasn't really sure if he'd lied, or just hadn't followed up to see if it had worked.

"You know, that happened to my uncle. They had five kids, and obviously his wife was not in the mood for any more. So he went and got the snip. And then a month later, she got pregnant again with their sixth baby, because the darn thing didn't take. And he had to go back and have it done again. It can happen. So, he might not have known."

"He also said that he'd always worn a condom -- until me, so he might not have known if he was protected."

"Well, I still think you need to tell him. And you've got to tell your daughter, too. Because you can't hide something like this, eventually they'll notice, even if you don't say anything."

"Did I tell you that Carrie's expecting, too?"

"Oh, that's nice. They must be happy."

"They are. And we're both due about the same time. She was so happy when she called and told me, that I kind of hated to have to tell her that we're both in the same boat."

Tanisha reached out and squeezed my hand. "They're your family, Sophia, so I know they'll be happy for you. And the two of you expecting at the same time could be a bonding thing, and make you grow even closer."

"Or she'll ask me what the hell I was thinking messing around with her husband's father, and getting myself knocked-up."

She just laughed, and I did, too.

I had given up on ever hearing from Rafe again, and I was watching a sitcom on TV, when I heard the doorbell.

I hadn't ordered anything, so I decided I'd better take a look through the peephole to see who it was. And almost fell over when I saw Rafe standing on the other side of the door, looking a little anxious as he waited for me to answer.

After I took a few deep breaths to steady my nerves, I turned the lock, and pulled it open.

Then for what felt like forever, we just stood staring at each other. Until finally he said, "Can I come in?"

"Oh, of course." I stood back, and he walked past me. And since he didn't bother to even give me a peck on the cheek, I kind of knew he was just coming to tell me we were done, and that he'd moved on.

Once I'd closed the door, I turned to face him and he said, "Were you ever planning on telling me?"

I winced, realizing he must have heard the news from Carrie and Marcus, since I'd finally got the nerve to tell them. And I didn't know what to say. Since he hadn't called anymore I didn't really think he'd want to get a call from me, especially to tell him that he was going to be a dad again -- in his fifties.

But as I looked into his eyes, I felt awful at how anguished he looked. Obviously I'd hurt him, but I never meant to.

"Well, when you stopped calling, I just thought..."

"You thought that I didn't care anymore, and wouldn't want to know that you were carrying our baby?"

Not sure what to say, I just nodded, because that's exactly what I thought.

He shook his head and pulled me into his arms and I just wanted to cry. It felt so good just to be in his arms again, even if it was only for a moment.

"I think we should sit down," he said, after he'd dropped a kiss on my forehead.

I cleared my throat and tried to keep my composure as I said, "You don't have to worry, I can handle this on my own. And I don't expect anything from you." I had done it before, and I knew I could do it again.

He held his hand up to stop me from saying anything else. "When I heard about the baby, I'm not going to lie, I was shocked. I called my doctor as soon as I heard, and he said that a small percentage of men who've had the procedure can still get a woman pregnant."

I looked at him, shocked. "Why did you think it wasn't yours?"

"Of course I knew it was mine. I just thought we were safe, so I wondered how it could have happened." He looked down at my belly, and then back up at my face. "But how have you been feeling? It must have been a shock for you, too."

"Yeah, you could say that. Considering my age, and that I thought I was done having kids decades ago, I was pretty surprised."

"Well, you won't be doing this alone. I'll be here for you. Anything you need, you just tell me."

"Rafe, when you stopped calling I knew you were trying to tell me that it was over. I know with the type of life you lead that you don't really have time for a relationship. So, I don't expect you to change your life, just because... it happened."

When he reached for my hand and squeezed it, as I looked down at my hand in his, I could feel my heart clenching. If he wasn't feeling anything for me anymore, I didn't want him to feel like he had to pretend, just because I was pregnant.