A Fool No More

***

I tried calling Brooke a number of times over the next few days but she'd probably blocked my number and I never reached her. I went to her apartment a couple of times without anyone answering the door. The third time I was greeted, rather hostilely, by Brianna. She stood in the doorway with the door barely cracked, not inviting me inside.

"Jared, you fucked it up and drove her back into the arms of that David asshole, her old boyfriend from college. She's out in California now and I don't know if she's coming back or if she's going to resign her position at school and stay out there. It'll probably ruin her career for years if she does that and you'll have fucked her life up even more."

"No! I don't want to hurt her any more than I already have. I'll go out there and talk to her," I suggested, grasping at straws, knowing that there was a great risk that I'd lose Brooke and Ashley, too.

Brianna snorted, "And find her how? Good luck with that. I don't even know where she is. But putting that point aside, even if you did find her, you'd just drive her away even more. If you care for her at all, pray for her and give her space."

I tried a number of times over the next several weeks, but Brianna wouldn't talk to me and wouldn't tell me anything else. I sent several letters to Brooke at Brianna's address but none of them were ever answered.

As much as I hated it, Brooke wouldn't connect with me and, bit by bit, she became part of my past.

It took a long while but with Brooke gone, Ashley spoke with me from time-to-time, though our relationship wasn't good. As I tried to rebuild that closeness with her, I realized that, like mother, like daughter, Ash was rather high maintenance and so I took things slow, giving her chances to reconnect with me, offering love and encouragement, but things between us didn't get appreciably better for almost a year. When she received a promotion at work, she called with a hint of excitement in her voice to let me know and I asked if I could take her to dinner to celebrate. She agreed and things slowly improved.

She stopped by to see me one evening in the spring of 2008. "Dad, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, Ash, what's up?"

"I was reading a novel a few nights ago and I recognized the villain."

"What do you mean? Was it historical fiction?"

"No. I don't mean I knew the actual person but the type. Do you ever think about Brooke? Do you ever miss her?"

I got up and walked into the kitchen, unable to answer, but when I turned, Ashley was right behind me. "You do, don't you? You miss her."

"Ash, please, don't start this. I loved her, but it wasn't enough, and she didn't want me to have to choose between you and her so she broke up with me. Now...I still miss her every single day."

"She broke up with you? I thought--"

My anger, always repressed but near the surface, boiled over. "No, Ashley, you didn't think. You reacted and you rebelled to a situation that shocked you. I didn't handle it well either, which made it worse. Brooke and I had hopes that things might work out between us, but we both knew we had a long way to go before we'd ever know. When you discovered us that day, our little illusion of how things might work between us was shattered, and it left me with an impossible choice. She broke up with me so I wouldn't have to choose and so I could have the sure thing, a relationship with you, since we didn't know if our relationship would work in the long run. Based on what happened that day, I realize now that it probably wouldn't have."

She was crying as I finished. "In reading that book the other night, I realized that I'd acted a lot like the evil lady in the story; I'd caused you two to break up just like the villainess, but I didn't know Brooke made the choice so you wouldn't have to choose. I'm so sorry, Dad. Please forgive me."

Ash stepped into my arms and I patted her back, glad that she'd finally recognized what she'd done and the harm she'd caused. While still mad, I'd said what I'd wanted to say for a long time. I loved Ash and was glad she was still in my life, but the truth was that I'd always resented what she'd done, what she'd taken from me.

I kept patting her back as she continued, crying all the while. "I really thought Brooke was trying to take you away from me or that she had some weird Daddy-issues but I didn't listen, couldn't make myself listen, to what you guys were saying, that you were together because you cared for each other. I've seen how sad you've been since the breakup; it's my fault and I'm really sorry."

To my surprise, Ashley's admission and her request for forgiveness hurt me a lot, ripping open old wounds. I told her it would be okay, but it was several weeks before we got together again to talk. I poured my heart out to her then, telling her about what we'd been through (though leaving out the juicy parts) and how the ending had hurt and disappointed me. In the end, I forgave my daughter after she promised to stay out of my love life in the future--if I were ever to have a love life in the future.

***

With the issues between us resolved and the hurts mostly healed, my beautiful daughter Ashley married Craig Jarrett in September 2009 with me proudly walking her down the aisle. Jeanie and I had to speak a few times in the leadup to the wedding, coordinating issues and finances, but I limited our discussion to the bare minimum.

At the rehearsal and dinner that followed, Jeanie tried to stick to me like glue, making me wonder if she was desirous of another reconciliation between us, but I did my best to keep my distance. The next day, she attended the wedding with her new husband--I wasn't sure if this was number three or number four and I didn't bother getting his last name since I figured he probably wouldn't be around long anyway.

Jeanie and I were civil to each other that afternoon and evening, but that was probably because I mostly avoided her. I did a father-daughter dance with Ashley, but pointedly skipped Jeanie's suggestion for a mother-father version, suggesting she'd be better off spending the time with her new husband instead of her ex-husband. She frowned at me about that, getting her only smile out of me all day.

I'd been a fool for her, I told myself, but no more. Not ever.

When we departed after everything was over, I hoped that our next encounter would be at the hospital holding a grandbaby in a few years. Thinking of that, I came up with the brilliant idea that perhaps I could convince Ash and Craig to wait a long while before expanding the Jarrett family.

***

I started dating more frequently a few weeks after Ashley and Craig returned from their honeymoon. There were a number of dates in the months that followed and I got lucky in some of them, mostly with divorcees about my age who wanted sex without commitment. Unfortunately, I found such dating and the occasional pickup left me feeling cold and hollow inside as love or anything close to it eluded me and years passed.

Then one evening in early October 2010, I'd just arrived home from work when there was a rapid knocking at the front door. "Coming," I called out, but the knocking continued and I heard a voice outside calling my name.

"Hold on! I'm coming," I yelled. To my great surprise, I opened it to see Brianna, whom I hadn't seen in nearly four years, standing there holding a little girl in one arm with a bag sitting on the porch by her feet. She looked disheveled, with tear tracks on her cheeks.

"Jared, thank God you're home; I didn't have your number. I tried several people but no one's home and you're my last resort."

"Brianna! Slow down!" I demanded. "What's going on?"

"Please, I need help. B's been in a really bad accident. They took her into the OR a few minutes ago, but they're not sure if she's going to make it. I was taking care of Caitlyn for her, but I can't take her to the hospital since we don't know how long it will be. Can you--"

I reached out and took the little girl before she could finish asking me. "Miss--Caitlyn, is it?--and I will be fine. Any allergies?"

"Everything's written on the info sheet in her bag. You'll see it. Pray for her, Jared, please. Please pray hard."

"I will, Brianna," I promised, giving her a quick hug. "Now go, and keep me informed." I gave her a card with my cell number from my wallet.

"Caitlyn, sweetie, this is Uncle Jared. He's going to take really good care of you until Mommy or I can get back to get you, okay? You be a good girl. Mommy and I love you." She kissed the little girl's cheek and then ran down the steps toward her car.

Right there on the front porch and holding Caitlyn in my arm, I said a prayer for Brooke, praying like I hadn't prayed in years. Once we were inside the house, I got Caitlyn some water, put a movie from her bag on the DVD player for her, and asked her if she was hungry.

Her nod was a reminder from my early days as a father that asking Ashley if she was hungry was an open invitation for her to say yes. Still, I'd asked and Caitlyn would expect something, so I checked the info sheet in her bag to see if there was info on her preferences and any allergies.

Brooke Woodsen's contact info was at the top of the sheet, as was Brianna's and that for Marvin and Kate, their parents. I skipped down a little and found what I was seeking and then I noticed a date and my heart raced.

I'm not the smartest guy around when it comes to a lot of things but as an engineer, even though it took me years to get there, I'm quite good with math. I checked it and checked it again to be sure before calling Ashley.

"Hi, Ash. Hear me out and don't hang up, please? It's important. Brooke Woodsen's been in some type of accident and her sister Brianna just dropped Brooke's little girl with me so she could go to the hospital."

"Brooke has a daughter? Dad, why would she drop her off with you?"

I sighed. "Ash, Brianna said I was her last resort but I'm not so sure about that. Based on her birthdate, it's possible that Caitlyn may be my daughter."

"Oh, Dad. Oh. Listen, I'll be there in a little while, okay?"

It was right after Ash and I disconnected that I remembered. Brooke had gone to California to see her old college boyfriend right after it all went down, while I was trying to give us another chance.

Perhaps Caitlyn was his?

***

Ash and Craig came over and helped for a little while. Brianna called to check on Caitlyn at about 10 p.m., shortly after they left.

There was no news from their end; Brooke was still in the operating room, so I gave a good report, that little Caitlyn had nibbled on what turned out to be her second supper, Ash had given her a bath and dressed her for bed, and Caitlyn was now asleep on my guest bed with rolled-up blankets piled up on both sides to keep her from rolling out.

Brianna laughed. "She sleeps in a big girl bed at home and when she stays with me so I think she should be fine."

I wanted to ask Brianna the burning question, whether Caitlyn was my daughter, but the circumstances weren't right, so we prayed for Brooke together over the phone and I told her to call me, at whatever hour, when she had news.

The call came sometime after 4 a.m. I'd slept a little, a fitful sleep interrupted all too frequently by worry, bad dreams, and outright panic attacks. Most of all, it was the realization that I'd wasted years, that I still cared for Brooke, and that there might be nothing I could do about any of it.

"Jared, she came through the operation and is in recovery now, but the doctor said she's not out of the woods yet so they're keeping her in a medically-induced coma. Something about swelling and clots, trying to let her body heal. They suspect she'll be in the ICU for days so Mom and I will have to work out a rotation schedule for taking care of Caitlyn. I'll be by your place in an hour or so to pick her up, okay?"

"Brianna, that's fine, but you can get her later if you want to let her sleep and get some sleep yourself. What about her dad? Is he part of Caitlyn's life? Can he help out?"

There was silence on the line for several seconds. "Jared...you'll have to discuss that with Brooke when she's doing better. I can't tell you anything."

Whether Caitlyn was mine or even if she was that David-guy's, I still cared for Brooke and wanted to help so I said, "Bri, put me on the list to help care for little Caitlyn. Nights or weekends are best, but I can probably do some Mondays or Fridays, too, if needed."

"Thanks, Jared. I'll be there in a little while."

***

By the time Brooke emerged from her coma about ten days later, Little Caitlyn had spent four days and nights with me; she trusted me and I think she considered me one of her family.

Unfortunately, I wasn't family in the eyes of the hospital staff so I wasn't allowed into the ICU to see her and Caitlyn wasn't old enough to go in. Brianna said Brooke was still so doped up that it probably didn't matter anyway.

"I'm not sure if she'll remember seeing Mom, Dad, and me when we've been in to spend time with her either."

Ashley and Craig had been over several more times when I was taking care of Caitlyn, and Ashley had fallen in love with the little girl, completely convinced that she was her sister. She kept her suspicion from Caitlyn, of course, but Ash apologized to me over and over for driving Brooke and me apart. She bought a car seat and helped me install it in the Outback that had replaced my old Malibu the previous year. We became mobile then, and became somewhat regular visitors to the local Mickey D's.

***

When she was awake, lucid, and showing signs of recovery, the hospital moved Brooke to a private room. Kate Woodsen, Brooke's mom, took me aside before I was allowed to go in to see her.

"Jared, I know what happened between you and Brooke," she whispered, "and I know that you cared a great deal for her and possibly still do. Marvin doesn't know though, and he probably won't be as, um, enlightened about it, as me. Don't say anything around him yet--I'll talk to him--and don't push Brooke, whatever you do. She's going to need time to heal and get over what happened before she can think of the future, any type of future. Assuming Marvin doesn't kill you first. Got it?"

"Yeah, Kate. I'll speak to Marvin when you think the time's right. As for Brooke, I have to ask her one question."

She studied my face and nodded. "I understand, but please, don't push her too hard and, whatever she tells you, don't get too angry with her. She's on a really fragile, really rocky road to recovery, and she doesn't need a setback." She opened the door to Brooke's room and let me enter.

The bruising had supposedly faded at least somewhat, but I was still shocked and fighting tears when I saw Brooke. One of her arms was broken, as were both legs and so much inside but she was lucky to be alive. The driver of the other car who'd apparently been texting and veered across the centerline to hit her head-on wasn't so lucky. I said another silent prayer for Brooke, praying for her health and recovery before taking a seat at the side of her bed.

Time passed and she didn't stir so I eventually got up and looked out the window. Like the chair before, I was there for quite some time, but this time I heard a rustling as Brooke finally woke. As I moved back to the chair by her side, she croaked, "J? What are you doing here?"

"Watching over you, Brooke. Can I get you some water?"

She tried to nod but ended up bleating, "Please," when it was easier to speak than to move.

I put the straw to her lips and she sucked a bit of it down. "Thank you. And thanks for helping take care of Caitlyn. Bri told me how big a help you've been."

I wanted to ask, to put the issue to bed right then, but Brooke was obviously in pain and I didn't want to cause her more. Therefore, I held my tongue about my concern and told her instead about Caitlyn's adventures. When I was done, I added, "That's such a pretty smile, Brooke, even through what's left of your bruises."

"I must be a hideous sight," she whispered, but I shook my head.

"You've seen better days, sweetheart, but you survived and you're going to get better. You will be soon, all better and as pretty as ever, and Caitlyn will be able to come see her mommy."

Brooke had drifted off while I was speaking so I sat down and watched her, hoping and praying for the best.

***

With Brooke still in the hospital, Brianna and I took little Caitlyn trick-or-treating dressed as a princess on Halloween. She had a blast. By a week later, Brooke was looking somewhat better and the hospital staff agreed that Caitlyn could see her momma without being traumatized by the sight.

I kept Caitlyn the night before so I brought her to the hospital and met Brianna in the lobby. We walked together to Brooke's room, just like we had while trick-or-treating. Dressed in her princess costume, Caitlyn walked between us holding Bri's hand and mine.

She was so excited when she saw Brooke but she almost cried when she saw the bruises and we told her about her mommy being hurt in an accident. We also told her she had to be really careful to keep from accidentally hurting her. Brianna suggested a partial hug with Brooke's good arm and Brooke gave her daughter about a thousand kisses in no-time flat. There were more when it was time for Caitlyn to go and Brooke even gave me a brief hug and kiss to my cheek, thanking me before we headed out.

I had some time alone with Brooke the following weekend. "Brooke, I need to ask you a question," I said, "if you think you're up to it."

"I owe you that," she agreed with hesitation, "if it's what I suspect."

"Oh, it is. Caitlyn. Is she mine or David's? Or whose? I know you went out to console yourself with David right after we broke up."

"Dammit, Bri," she said under her breath as she stared at her lap, but I still heard. She looked up at me and said, "Jared, I didn't go see David. Or anyone else."

"Brooke, you don't need to hide it...or lie about it; Brianna told me you went out there. I just want to know the truth. Please."

She looked out the window and sighed lightly. "Remember, I broke up with you because I couldn't let you destroy your relationship with Ashley, not because I wanted to. It was really the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew we'd never last if you gained me, for however long, but lost Ashley. When Bri told you I was out in California seeing David, she was trying to get rid of you. Remember what you said? You were going to go out there to find me but Bri asked you how you'd find me, remember?"

Despite being upset, I chuckled. "Yeah, not my best plan, I must admit. I bet she was laughing her head off when she told you that."

"No, Jared, she didn't have to tell me. I was standing behind the door, crying my eyes out, hoping part of the time that you'd go away and the other part that you'd burst in and tell me that you wanted me no matter what Ashley said. Bri was a good Mama Bear though and shooed you off and then she held me while I cried for hours as I wondered if I was doing the right thing in giving you up."

"You were there? And all I had to do was push the door open to find you?"

"Not exactly. She had a baseball bat right behind the door." She chuckled but immediately regretted it as the pain racked her body. I offered her some water but she declined. "Seriously, I felt sure she'd use it if she had to. She was really determined that you weren't coming in."

"Damn. And damn her, too. So, you really didn't go see David? Ever?"

"No, never. I had enough pain in my life, loving you and losing you. I didn't need to add to it."

"Then Caitlyn really is my daughter? But you said it was safe."

Looking down at her lap again as if she was unable to look me in the eye, she nodded. "I'd been on the pill when I was with David in college but I ran out after I moved back here and never got a new prescription because, well, I didn't need it. I had condoms just in case. When we were together, I thought sure it was safe so we didn't use one, but maybe I was off a little because I wanted you so bad, right then, and I wanted to feel you, all of you, without the condom. I figured I'd get a morning after pill the next morning just in case--they started being available over the counter earlier that year--and then I'd get a new prescription for birth control pills so we could keep going bare. Well, when all hell broke loose, I was so upset...it slipped my mind until it was too late and then I had to wait to see if it mattered. When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't give Caitlyn up, and then when she was born, she became all that mattered."