A Fool No More

Hearing her tale, I was more hurt and angry than I'd dreamed possible. "So you gave me my daughter, my Ashley, but kept my other one, Caitlyn, from me? Brooke, didn't you think she'd matter to me, too?"

Tears were streaming down Brooke's cheeks. "All the time. I almost called you when I found out I was pregnant, but I didn't want to hurt your relationship with Ashley and I knew I couldn't give Caitlyn up. You'd said you wanted kids with me if we got to that point, but I didn't want to trap you into it, so I waited and then waited some more, and then it was too late, and, well, here we are. I'm so sorry."

"Yeah, me, too, Brooke. You kept me from seeing my baby's birth and her early development, but it was never too late. Now, I don't know. Maybe it is."

My emotions were running wild and I didn't know what to do or to say, so I made a choice in order to keep from saying more, to hurt her worse, and to possibly destroy any chance we had of ever being friends, much less anything more. "I have to go. I need to go spend time with my baby girl."

As I walked out of the room, I heard her calling my name but I didn't turn back.

Kate was holding Caitlyn in the waiting room with Brianna sitting next to her; Marvin wasn't around making that part of what I was about to do a little easier. Bri saw the look on my face and stepped in front of me.

"Jared, I'm so sorry. She had to tell you."

"Yeah, I'm sorry, too, sorry that she didn't tell me sooner and that you couldn't--or was it didn't?--talk sense into her." As angry with Brianna as I was with Brooke, I was practically spitting the words. Ignoring her protest, I turned to Caitlyn's grandmother. "Kate, may I hold my daughter?"

As I held her, some of my anger melted away, but there was no way to know if it was enough.

***

It wasn't enough.

I loved my little girl but I'd been cheated out of so much with her, not even knowing she existed as she learned to crawl, to walk, to talk, and to become the little person she was. How could Brooke have done that to me?

After she was in bed that evening, I sat watching her, telling myself that I'd never let her be out of my life again. Caitlyn and Ashley would be the most important things in my life.

Ashley!

It was late but I called her anyway. Her excitement over the phone about having it confirmed that she had a little sister made me smile and blunted a little bit more of my anger.

I took Caitlyn to see Brooke the following night and the one after that. My anger was still there, but watching her sleep gave me lots of time to think, to remember, and, most of all, to wonder what might be ahead for us and for Caitlyn if I could give us a chance.

Looking back, I'd loved Jeanie so much that I let her hurt me and even make a fool of me. I was so determined to avoid letting it happen again that I was nursing my anger against Brooke, using it as a defense against being hurt again. I'd already been hurt with Brooke once before, but the circumstances were so different. Most importantly, Brooke wasn't Jeanie and now I really wasn't giving Brooke that chance.

Such thoughts and her presence eased my anger a little bit and thinking of her condition and what she was going through did even more. I wasn't happy but I had my little girl, and would be part of her life from that point onward, whether Brooke liked it or not.

Kate must have spoken with her husband during that time, too, for Marvin Woodsen, a big brawny man about 6-feet tall, just an inch or so taller than me, but weighing a good 50 pounds more, looked as if he was going to punch my lights out when I opened the door on Saturday. He'd boxed in high school and college so it was a definite possibility. Then he saw I was holding Caitlyn on my other hip with my arm and the stern look on his face melted away.

"Uhh, Jared, I, ah, wanted to see my granddaughter."

"Come in," I said. "Caitlyn, look, sweetie, your grandpa's here. Want to go to him while I get him something to drink?" Caitlyn practically flew to her grandfather's arms to give him a hug and then invited him in to play with her.

After Caitlyn had enough and needed a break, Marvin and I stepped to the side to talk while we watched her. He told me of his anger on learning of my relationship with his daughter and that I was his grandbaby's father.

I told him my side and by the time he left, Marvin had at least accepted that I'd loved Brooke at one time and that I'd love my little daughter forever, no matter what happened between Brooke and me in the future.

"Marvin, I know it's a long shot since so much time has passed and since I'm not happy about how she kept Caitlyn secret from me, but in the back of my mind, I have at least a little hope that there might still be a future for us. Together. I don't know if that will happen--I'm really upset with her right now--but if it does, I'd appreciate your blessing rather than your opposition."

"We'll see," he agreed, looking more than a little skeptical, "but if it does, I expect you to treat her well. Whatever happens, don't hurt Brooke. Don't ever hurt her; she's been hurt enough," he whispered before hugging and kissing Caitlyn goodbye.

***

Brooke's recovery continued in the hospital for a couple more weeks and then she moved to a long-term nursing facility for several more as she got stronger and went through physical therapy. With Caitlyn living with me full time and Kate and Bri now serving as the care assistants instead of me assisting them, my anger was counterbalanced by the new joy in my life. Ashley was a huge help, too, loving her little sister, and, I suspect, moving her own timetable for kids up by months or even years.

As mad as I was, I tried to temper my anger and I took Caitlyn to see Brooke every day; that daily interaction between them seemed to help calm me bit by bit over time and it helped forge a bond between my daughter and me, even though the damaged relationship between Brooke and me wasn't helped much. However, when Brooke started her physical therapy, I showed up to help. She was surprised when I walked in and tears clouded her eyes.

"Jared, why are you here? I don't want you to see me like this." There were quite a few people trying to work in the room so her words were quite low as she wiped her eyes.

"Brooke, I spoke with the administrator," I whispered back. "She said the therapist has too many patients--that's obvious now that I'm here--and that having someone help will make your therapy time more productive and speed your progress. Just hush and let me help."

"Why would you want to help me after what I did to you? I hurt you so bad when I kept her from you; I feel it when I see you with Caitlyn. You love her so much and are so good with her, but I took that from you. How can you want to help me after that? Why, Jared?"

"Brooke, because you're my little girl's mother. Because she needs you and wants you well. That's enough for now. And now you need to get started." I didn't say it but I'd always wanted to help those I cared about, even if I was angry with them.

She whispered, "Thank you," as the therapist approached to show her the first exercise. I watched closely, too, and stayed through the entire session, making sure Brooke was doing them right, helping on those where the therapist would ordinarily step in, and giving encouragement when Brooke needed it.

I helped Brooke with her physical therapy when I could, and I soon found her leaning on me, mostly mentally but sometimes physically as well. As we worked together, I discovered something else; it helped me, too. I didn't say anything but the old feelings in my heart were rekindled, renewed and strengthened, and the anger that I'd felt about the past was slowly replaced with hope for the future, definitely with Caitlyn in my life and, I mused, possibly with Brooke in it, too?

With Brooke's recovery taking so much time, I eventually ran out of time off at work even with Kate taking care of Caitlyn during the workday. One day I mentioned being unable to attend Brooke's P.T. session the next day and was surprised when Ashley volunteered to fill in for me.

"Are you sure, sweetheart?"

"Yes. I screwed things up between Brooke and you, Dad, but you forgave me. I'm hoping Brooke can, too, someday, and that we can eventually be, if not close, at least civil. After all, we were friends for a long time before she moved away and now, well, she's my little sister's mother."

The next evening at the nursing home after spending some time with Caitlyn, we had her sit on the bed playing so Brooke and I could talk.

"I was so surprised that I cried when Ashley came into the P.T. room today. She apologized and told me how sorry she was. She begged my forgiveness, Jared, and told me that she loves her little sister so much. I forgave her and we hugged for the longest time before we got started. Karinna, the physical therapist, would show us what to do and then leave us to it while she went to help some of the others who were on their own and needed more hands-on help. It was really sweet of Ash to help me, but I'm not sure if I want her to come back."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," I said, disappointed that their heart-to-heart and their hugs must not have been enough. "I was hoping her being here would help you and that the two of you would get along okay."

"Oh, we did! We got along really well and I want her to come visit again." Seeing my questioning look, she added, "But she worked me too hard compared to you and I was even more exhausted than usual when we were done! You're pretty soft-hearted when you help out; if I didn't know better, I'd think you might have a thing for me."

She gave me a little smile as she said it, something that had been missing almost all of the time since the accident. Since she was sitting up in the chair, I leaned down and gave her a hug, whispering in her ear, "I think you're right. I think I might have a thing for you, too." Then I gave her a kiss on her forehead.

"Well, I think I'm going to have to retrain you," she said, her smile suddenly replaced by a frown.

"What do you mean?" I asked, concerned that I'd missed something.

"It looks like you've forgotten how to kiss me. Maybe we should start over and practice until you get it right?"

The teasing grin was back but only for a moment until she pursed her lips and craned her head toward me. I leaned down and kissed her lips and for the first time in nearly four years, with my daughter, my new daughter, and at least a possibility of love in my future, I was truly happy.

***

With Brooke having recovered enough to go home, Dr. Ellen Portnoy, her lead doctor, prepared to release her but she warned that Brooke would need help for a while and would need to continue with her exercises on her own.

"My staff can refer you to a firm that offers home health care service if you'd like," said the doctor, "but you'll probably still need some outside help."

I didn't really think; the words spilled out of my mouth. "Brooke, I'll help. Stay with me. You and Caitlyn can have my bed, and I'll sleep in the guest room."

Dr. Portnoy nodded, a thin smile on her face, for she'd seen how I'd been involved in her recovery and probably read the therapist's notes. "Hmm, that could work, but you'll have to work together closely so talk about it and make sure you really want to try before you do this. Of course, if it doesn't work out, you could always change..." I thought she was about to break into a grin.

Brooke was smiling, too, and gave a nod. "Doc, thanks. I'll talk to him but I think we may have a solution."

Once the doctor had exited, Brooke stared at me wearing a frown for a moment. "Jared, I told Dr. Portnoy that I think this can work, but we need to get something straight right now. If anyone's going to share a bed, it will be the two of us, not Caitlyn and me. Got it?"

I offered her my hand as if to shake. She took it hesitantly but grinned when I said, "Deal."

***

Brooke continued to improve after moving in with Caitlyn and me in early January and it accelerated as January turned to February. She needed less help with her personal care with each passing day, but in spending time with her and Caitlyn, I found myself caring more and more for her, reminding me of that all-too-brief time when we'd been together those years before. Brooke, on the other hand, seemed nervous.

She usually greeted me with a polite kiss and always thanked me for my assistance, but to my disappointment, she gave no indication that our relationship would grow beyond what we currently had.

It came to a head one night when little Caitlyn and I kneeled by her bed and said her prayer. Afterward, she rushed to the door where Brooke stood gripping the jamb to help steady herself. Our little daughter gave her a careful hug around her legs and said, "Ga-night, Mommy. I love you." Turning back to me, she gave me a hug where I was kneeling and said, "Ga-night, Unka Ja-wed. I love you, too."

She always called me that, but this time the thought of what it meant stung. I wished her a good night and sweet dreams as I tucked her in bed, but winced as I closed the door behind us.

"Jared, I'm sorry," whispered Brooke. "I've been wanting to tell her, but...."

"Yeah, me, too. I've been...." I trailed off, not wanting to bring up anything that would hurt her or set back her progress or that might damage the fragile relationship we were leading. "It's okay. Don't worry about it."

"Jared, no! Please, talk to me! All I've been doing is worrying! We talk but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because you're so...I don't know, pent up."

I laughed. "Me, pent up? I've been walking on those same eggshells trying to keep from hurting you or embarrassing you ever since we brought you home. I wasn't really expecting the amount of privacy you'd have to give up for me to help, or the amount of restraint I'd have to exercise when I'm helping you with bathing or the potty or whatever. I've done the best I can because I want you to get well, Brooke, to recover fully, and I don't want to do anything to set you back."

She shook her head. "Jared, you've been great and so helpful and I appreciate it so much. I was really injured in the wreck and I almost died. A lot was broken or bruised. The thing is, I'm still me, and my heart is still right here where it always was. It's still here wanting you and wanting us to be a family, but I didn't want to make you feel obligated. You're already doing so much for Caitlyn and me, but I want you to want it if we go further, not doing it because you feel obligated to."

"Really? You've seemed so distant that I've tried to give you lots of space and not push you, and been so clinical with the personal care to try to avoid embarrassing you. Brooke, I never want you to do anything because you're embarrassed or because you feel obligated; I want you to do whatever you do because you want it."

She motioned me forward to her and gingerly slid her arms around me. "Jared, I want to do a whole hell-of-a-lot more right now than my body will allow, but I want us to be open and honest with each other so we can build a relationship that has a chance of lasting when my body finally says 'bring it on! Please, talk to me like a partner, not like a dependent.'"

"I like that plan, but you have to do the same with me. No more eggshells, for either of us, okay?"

She smiled and pursed her lips at me, inviting a kiss. Due to her ongoing recovery, I took it to her but rather than the polite little smooches of the past few weeks, I gently kissed her with a passion that had been missing throughout our time living together. My tongue teased her lips and she opened wider to invite me in where our tongues could touch and caress for a few moments. Unlike those all-too-polite recent kisses, this time she gave a little moan in something other than pain for the first time in a long time.

Brooke looked happy and serene when we released and I drew away. She said, "So what we're saying is open and honest talk, no tip-toeing around on eggshells, and more kisses like that. Lots more, right?"

"That sounds great to me," I agreed.

"Good. Let's start by breaking the news to Caitlyn this weekend."

***

Having a dad didn't make much difference to Caitlyn since I'd already been filling the role for a while and she already loved me. The biggest change was the sound of "Daddy, daddy, daddy!" instead of "Unka Ja-wed, Unka Ja-wed!" Soon thereafter, Brooke was able to walk more so the three of us started taking short walks around the neighborhood. Brianna came with us sometimes and she even brought Matthew, her boyfriend with her a couple of times. She'd finally wised up and dumped her old fiancé a couple of years earlier.

By mid-March, Brooke was well on the way to recovery. One night she asked, "Jared, may I borrow your car?"

It would be the first time she'd driven since the accident so she could see the concern on my face. "Your car will be okay," she laughed.

"I wasn't concerned about the car. It's you I'm worried about," I countered. "Are you sure you're ready?"

"My exercise program is working, and I've spoken to my school administrator about returning part-time after spring break and full-time in the fall. I'm going to need a new car to replace my old one, so I just want to be sure I can do it before I try to get out on the main roads or go do a test drive."

I handed her the keys and wished her well. She didn't know it but I said a silent prayer as she was backing out of the driveway, too.

Fifteen minutes later, I was starting to get worried when she pulled back into the driveway. Caitlyn and I met her as she was getting out of the car. I offered a hand to help her out of the car. "You won't be there if I'm out driving on my own. I have to be able to do it all by myself."

She did. Proud of her efforts and accomplishment, we walked into the house with Brooke holding Caitlyn's hand on the left and mine on her right.

***

Brooke liked my Outback but decided to try a gently used Buick Enclave that the dealer had on the lot instead. She test drove it and liked it so we scheduled it for pickup on Saturday.

Brianna came by around noon on Saturday to pick up Caitlyn. It was the first I'd heard about it, but Brooke had our daughter's bag already packed.

"I didn't want her to have to sit around the dealership while we filled out all that paperwork."

"We already did all the paperwork, sweetheart. It shouldn't take but a few minutes," I said.

Brooke gave me a pitying look. "Jared, there's always more paperwork. Even if there's not, Caitlyn will have a fun afternoon with her aunt. They're making cookies."

There was quiet whispering between the sisters as they headed to the door, making me wonder if the two of them had cooked up something on their own. However, it was time for us to leave, too, so I didn't have time to question them about it.

Brooke was right, there were a few more papers to sign, but that went quickly and she took possession of her new SUV. After giving me a kiss, she got in, adjusted the seat and mirrors to her liking, and then took off with a little wave and smile. I think she liked her new wheels.

I was surprised when I pulled in the driveway to find that she hadn't arrived and the needle on my worry meter almost hit the peg. I called her but she didn't answer, but a text message popped in moments later.

Had to make stop on way home. Home soon.

Brooke made it home about thirty minutes later; I went out to see her and check on her experience with the car. She loved it but shooed me away when I tried to help her take a shopping bag out of the front seat.

"Whatcha got?"

She gave my hand a little swat and drew the bag closer to her chest. "Girl stuff."

"Sorry."