A Man Alone

"There are many kinds of men. You will learn in time many are different."

"How long must I stay at this place? I have no one. No place to go now. I'm not sure I made a good decision."

"If you want to return to your family you know you will receive a beating, and perhaps more if your aunt decides you have brought dishonor to the family. That's why I asked if you were sure you wanted to leave. Ahlum, you should think about this for a few days before making another decision. It will be hard at first to be free as your culture has taught you to remain within your family. I will help you, however I can, and I think Bruce will do the same if you explain what you are feeling."

We talked for half an hour and she tried to make me feel better by promising she would have a plan for me to consider when she came to see me. I hung up the phone, walked into the living room, and handed the phone to Bruce.

"Thank you, Adeela said she would call you tomorrow night after work."

"Are you good?"

I was uncertain what he was asking. Did I feel well, not ill, was I happy, was I happy with him? I was conflicted. Should I ask for clarification? I decided I should as he asked me to tell him how I felt.

"I do not understand GOOD. In what way you mean good?"

"Are you comfortable now that you are here--comfortable staying with me?"

"I am uncertain in some things. I trust you to help me, so I am good," I replied honestly.

"It will be time for bed in a few hours and you have been indoors the entire time. Would you like to take a walk?"

I smiled, "Yes, I would like to see some of this place."

We walked outside and started down the gravel road past houses similar to the one he lived in. They were all similar in size, color, and design.

"What is this place? All houses look the same."

"This is employee housing for this section of the park. It's part of my salary, so I can live close to work as the park is so far from a town or city, and law enforcement rangers are on-call."

"On-call? What is that?"

"That means if there is an emergency, if someone is in trouble, I go to help even if I finished my scheduled hours for the day. People get themselves into trouble in the park and we are here to help them."

"Like when we met, you help."

I looked at him and watched as he laughed, "Yeah, something like that, only here I don't get shot at, or blown up for trying to be helpful."

I watched as his expression changed and he became silent as we walked. I sensed I had brought back memories, perhaps not good ones. Even when he had helped me on the trail from my village--he had been careful, not trusting of me. I wondered what he had seen to make him that way. I had not thought of it before. But I knew some of the men from my village had shot at the Marines when joining rebel fighters.

We sat on a large rock and watched the small specks of people climbing the steep cliffs of the mountain. I wondered why people would do such a thing when there were no goats to herd. When I asked Bruce he told me some did it for fun, enjoyment. I thought it strange. Mountains were dangerous places to live and work. To play on a near-vertical cliff face seemed...well...foolish.

I wasn't uncomfortable with our silence as we sat watching. My mind wandered to what the night would bring. How angry my aunt and uncle would be when I had not returned. Then I thought of my cousins when they discovered I had taken my best clothes.

What I had not told Adeela was I had heard my uncle talking with my aunt about arranging a marriage. This with a man I had met but two times. He was fifteen years older, and my cutting was to be done so he would find me acceptable. I felt a shiver of fear at the thought. I remembered how he had looked at me with hungry eyes when no one was watching. Something he would be punished for if caught by a man of my family.

We walked back towards the houses as the light started to cast orange light on the far wall of the mountains. The sun setting in the west behind the mountain tops was similar to my village in Afghanistan. The memory tugged at my heart as a part of me would always be there. Bruce had taken his radio with him and it had come alive once while we sat. He had turned it down, so it was barely audible, now it called again.

After we walked back into his apartment, he walked to the bedroom closet and took out a blanket and pillow. He then placed them on the sofa in the living room and looked at me, "I need to take a shower before I go to sleep for the night. I will be up after dawn to get ready for work, so I may make some noise in the bathroom. If you need to use the bathroom before I shower you should do it now."

I walked to the bathroom, closed the door, washed my hands, and walked back into the living room to sit on the sofa. Bruce smiled as he walked past me and disappeared into the bathroom. I was with a man I didn't know, but trusted for a reason I didn't completely understand. Probably because Adeela trusted him.

I didn't feel fearful knowing I was alone with him. But this would be the first time I had ever been completely alone with a man in the same house. My life was changing because I had made a decision, and now I had to face the challenges that came with it. I had lost my parents and my maternal grandparents. Then been abandoned by my father's relatives in the village. I had this day left his brother's family. I was alone in the world now except for Adeela and Bruce--only they knew of my existence here in a land I hardly knew.

That night I slept fretfully. New sounds, and the feel of a soft bed and warm sheets to cover me, though comfortable, were different too. I thought I had heard a voice during the night, but thought them my imagination--the sounds of a man giving a warning. It was when I heard sounds in the bathroom in the morning I knew Bruce was up. A few minutes later, sounds from the kitchen reached me as a cupboard door opened and closed. Then the sound a few minutes later as the apartment door opened and closed. I walked out of the bedroom towards the window in time to see Bruce pull away in the early morning light--I was alone.

I returned to the bedroom and lay down again, thinking this was the first day of a new life for me. What was I to make of this new life? The bed was like a magic place of warmth and comfort in an almost silent world. But then I realized it wasn't silent--outside the voices of birds called out to greet a new day. Perhaps even, to greet me.

I rose from bed and wrapped my new cotton robe around me--it felt lush against the bare skin of my body. Only the floor was colder against my bare feet, though even that felt good. I walked into the living area and noticed a piece of paper on the small table in front of the sofa. A note, and beneath it, his cell phone. I read the note--"Ahlum, please call me if you need anything at the dispatcher's number. Call Adeela if you wish. I will return at the noon meal to make sure you are well."

It did make me feel better as I was anxious about Adeela and her family. The Afghan community was small and it would not take much effort for my family to find her. I decided to wait until the afternoon to call her. I decided too I would make a small meal for Bruce and myself. I watched last night as Bruce ate all that I had made for the evening meal. I appreciated the praise he had given me on my abilities.

I fixed a small breakfast and sat down to read in a chair outside the apartment. There I could gaze up at the majestic view of El Capitan in the distance amid the trees. It was cool as the sun came over the mountains to the east, and the warmth felt good as the rays of sunlight fell upon me. It was beautiful there. Peaceful, with no sound of planes in the air, or the sound of distant thunder that was not thunder at all. This was a land at peace, of people going about their lives without fear. A land of beautiful mountains, and now it was also my home. I felt a calmness surround me despite my apprehension about the future. I sat there sipping my warm tea and went back into my book to escape and marvel at what women could do here.

As I read Silent Spring I recognized that even this beauty had come at a price. Someone had fought for the birds that sang around me. Someone had cared--Rachael Carson had cared and others had followed her. That a woman could do such a thing here was uplifting. I remembered that women elsewhere in the world had done similar things according what I heard on the BBC. That was before moving into the mountains from the city.

My thoughts wandered thinking about the life I left behind in Afghanistan. First, I had left the Taliban controlled city to live with my uncle and aunt. It seemed I had traded one set of oppressors for another. I struggled to adapt to the more rigid cultural norms of my new family and village.

I'd been unable to build much wealth of my own after my parents had passed. The money I earned from the shop went to suppliers who charged me more for the goods I purchased. More than they had charged my father when they suspected I was running the shop alone. I had earned enough to buy food and other essentials.

I'd been able to stash some cash away as I was unable to have a personal bank account. The money provided insurance in case the bank closed the account which would force me to close the shop. Then I would have to live with my uncle and aunt. If the bank closed the account the only option left to me was to live in the mountains. Afterward...

I heard a door open and a woman's voice talking to a child. I swung my head in their direction as a voice called out. "Good morning," as Wanda and Rusty walked towards me with smiles.

"Good day," I replied wondering if they thought I was lazy not being about a woman's work.

"It's, Ahlum, correct?"

"Yes, you have a good memory," I smiled and looked at Rusty as he stood partially hidden behind his mother, being shy.

"Not always, which is why I felt I should ask to make sure. Did you sleep well last night?"

I thought the question a strange one, but answered that I had. The expression on her face told me she was surprised.

"Why ask? Should I not have?" I inquired.

"It's that...well...some nights Bruce calls out from his sleep. I thought I heard him once a little past midnight, and wondered if you heard what he said. Usually, if I hear him, it sounds as if he is telling someone to stop, or stay away. I think he has bad dreams from his time in the military."

"I was sleeping in bedroom, Bruce on sofa. I thought I heard voice...but was...what you...call...dream. It did not come again, so I sleep until I hear Bruce this morning. Is this bad?"

"Maybe, but I thought I should tell you so it doesn't frighten you. I don't think he knows he does it most of the time, so he may not tell you. Sometimes war affects those who come back and it takes time for them to adjust--I think Bruce is like that."

"So, he is hurt?" I asked, thinking I knew what that might be like to have to change so quickly from a dangerous place to one that is not.

"Mr. Bruce hurt?" Rusty asked.

"Honey, not hurt like a boo-boo. Sometimes he feels sad and it is something he would like to forget. So, we try and have fun with him when we see him, okay."

"Okay, mommy. Daddy likes Mr. Bruce too. Daddy says I make Mr. Bruce laugh when I play with him. Daddy laughs too."

I smiled at Rusty's words as children have a way of reducing things to the bare essentials. I looked at him, "Rusty, laugh is good for everyone."

"Well, we will leave you to your book. If you need anything please let me know. I'm taking Rusty in for a haircut and we will be back in a few hours."

"Thank you, Bruce will be back mid-day to make sure I am well. I will fix food for us."

Wanda laughed and told me if I could get him to eat fresh fruits and vegetables it would be good for him. It mirrored my own thoughts after looking at the cupboard yesterday--like me, she did not think he ate good food. I wondered how single men without a family lived like this--it seemed strange to me. Wanda, her husband, and their little boy were kind of like family for him now in this place. Though I now wondered where his family resided.

I read for a while, then sat watching fluffy white clouds moving over the top of the mountains. I picked up my book, went inside, and decided I should call Adeela before Bruce came back, so I could tell her I was well. The phone rang a few times before I heard Adeela's voice.

"Bruce, is everything okay. I didn't expect to hear from you until tonight," an anxious voice asked.

"Adeela, it is Ahlum, I am well. Bruce gave me phone so I could call. He is gone this morning," I spoke in English.

"Oh, good," came the relieved reply and I wondered why they had made plans to talk at the end of the day. Perhaps they were concerned I was not well--not able to adjust to my decision. It was mid-morning, I should begin to prepare the mid-day meal, a bad time to call.

"I am sorry if I call too early, would it be better later?"

"No, there's no problem. You call me whenever you feel you need to. I'm sure that's why Bruce left the phone for you. He wants to make sure you can call me if you want to talk, or if you need something. Things you wouldn't feel comfortable asking him for. So, if you think there's anything you need make a list as I plan on coming up to visit in two more days."

"Thank you. I do not want to be a burden to you and Bruce."

"You aren't that, we agreed to help you and we will do whatever we need to do to keep you safe. We will find a way to help you make a new life for yourself. We are your friends and want the best for you. Now, how are you doing with Bruce? Are you comfortable with him, or must I try to find someone else for you to stay with?"

"It has been but one night, but it went well. Yes, I am alright in staying here; it is a beautiful place this park. The family next door is friendly and the wife and child came to visit Bruce last night. This morning she talked to me while I was outside reading. She seems nice and I saw her husband leave soon after Bruce went away this morning to work. She asked me a question about Bruce calling out in his sleep and I thought I would ask you."

"Calling out in his sleep? Did you hear something last night, or did she?"

"It was her, but me too. I heard a voice one time, but thought it was what you call a dream. She said sometimes men come back from fighting and still think of it. Is that true?"

"Yes, that sometimes happens as it can take time adjust to being back home. I'm still adjusting a little myself, so yes, it is real. If it happens again let me know and I can talk with Bruce to see if there is something we need to do to help him."

After we finished talking, I started to prepare food for the noon meal. I felt I was doing something useful. Then, I began to sense I had something else to deal with. My period was going to start. I felt anxious as I didn't have all I needed--I had left much behind as I dared not pack too much to obscure my leaving.

I had only a single pad in my small bag, enough for hold me for the first few hours if my flow were heavy. I was considering my options as I finished placing the dishes on the table as time drew near for the noon meal. If I were in the village, or at my uncle's home I would be unclean--but what about here? What about Bruce? This was not a subject appropriate to mention to him, was it?

I picked up the cell phone and called Adeela. I spoke in Pashto, "Adeela, this is Ahlum, I must ask, my time of month has come, and I am not prepared. I'm unsure of what to do, is this something a man like Bruce would know about? Men do not speak of these things."

"Ahlum, have Bruce call me when he comes home and I will talk with him. Don't worry we will find a solution that will work for you. Being a single man with no family I don't expect he knows much about what women need, but I know he will help you. Are you comfortable with that?"

"Yes, I do not wish to be a problem."

"You're not a problem. It's a problem to be solved. Have him call me and we can talk later tonight, or tomorrow if you wish."

I ended the call and walked back to check the food warming on the stove top. I wondered about Bruce not having a family. Perhaps I had not understood--everyone has a family, even if they chose not to for some reason.

A few minutes later I saw Bruce pull in and walk towards the door in his uniform. I appreciated how handsome he looked. Then realized it was haram--as I was looking at him with enjoyment and desire. The thought sent a cold shiver down my spine, just as it had in Afghanistan the first time I had seen him. He was a forbidden man to me there. But now, once again, I found myself drawn to him by some invisible force that fought my ability to resist.

I considered I didn't have to feel guilty about looking at him in this way now. I was a Muslim woman who had shrugged off her religion. But, doing so is not like taking off a black garment and exchanging it for another of warmer colors. Islamic law forbids such a thing and it was a sin that cannot erased without personal defeat. My decision of apostasy, if discovered in Afghanistan, it would have resulted in my death. Here in America, I stood a chance of avoiding that fate provided I separated myself entirely from my past. It seemed incredible to me now, if not for Adeela and Bruce I would have frozen to death months ago.

When Bruce stepped inside and closed the door as he looked at me with a broad smile. "Ahlum, it smells wonderful. Thank you for making a warm meal."

"Yes, I cannot read all day. If you are hungry we eat now, if not, you call Adeela as she wishes. I have talk with her today," as I handed the cell phone to him.

He took the phone from my hand. "I should call her before we eat, she may have news we can talk about as we have our meal together."

He walked out of the house and stood talking for about ten minutes before coming back inside. He looked at me with a firm expression, "I guess we need to do some shopping so you are well taken care of. So, let's eat first, and then I will drive you to the store so you can get what you need. I'm glad you called Adeela so she could explain as it was the right thing to do."

"So, you are not upset with me?" I asked cautiously.

"There's no reason for me to be upset with you for being a woman. I want you to know I don't consider you unclean in any way. Religion plays no part in my life, so you may as well know it doesn't affect how I treat you. Now, shall we eat, it smells so good my stomach is starting to growl."

We sat and ate together. I was pleased Bruce enjoyed what I had made. His compliments secured by a second helping before we drove to the store. When we arrived he smiled and asked, "Shall I go in with you, or will you be more comfortable by yourself?"

"I will go alone. I have money to pay," knowing I would be very uncomfortable if he saw what I had to buy.

I came out of the store and we drove back to his apartment. He left a few minutes later in his patrol truck to return to work. I headed for the bathroom feeling relieved my problem had been resolved. Before leaving, Bruce asked if I would like to go for a walk after we ate our evening meal. I was enthusiastic, saying I would like to as the beauty of this land was something I wanted to enjoy while we were together.

While in the store I noticed the notice for a cashier position posted on the message board. I took note of when they wanted to hold interviews thinking it would be good to be prepared. If I had to remain longer than expected. I was sure this was what Bruce had mentioned to me earlier, and I needed to earn money to support myself. Once it was possible for me to leave this place I would need to be as independent as I could. I needed money to be able to do that.