by justboycrazy
As a white Navy guy and a lover of chocolate I placed myself in Jarad's shoes and had a good time reading this.
I think the idea was good but you could use more character development...and more details.
Loved the concept, I would lovingly suggest proof reading and editing before posting.More details could also help.
You don't graduate from the Marines. You graduate Marine Corps Boot Camp, but you don't graduate from the Marines. If he was getting out out the Corps, then that means his enlistment was up. And the party wouldn't look anything like a graduation party.
I could complain about a lot but the thing that stood out to me most was 46C. Either you're not american or just sorely mistaken about bra sizes. For her to be a 46C she would be wayyy more than 200 pounds.
The story seemed hurried. Missing words and such. Concept was ok but might want to take more time expanding and editing before posting your next story.