A Marriage in Crisis

Mr. Coady looked down at the paperwork on his desk, "Well that seems reasonable. I just don't want you to put yourself in a long term world of pain because of a short term crisis."

Tommy looked at Mr. Coady, "I love my wife. Right now I'm unhappy with her, but I don't rightly know why or what to do about it. I do know I don't want to hurt her, but I want my dignity."

Mr. Coady responded, "I'll have a set of options laid out for you that you can look over tomorrow morning. That sound fair?"

He paused and went on, "I'd like you to think about something too."

Tommy grumbled, "Yeah?"

Coady added, "There's something called pride, and then there's hubris. A man needs his pride; it's a part of self-respect. But there's hubris. Let me tell you a little story."

Tommy was polite and nodded.

Coady went on, "It was near the end of World War Two. Some GIs were clearing a German death camp when they came across this SS officer. He had a sub-machine gun on his hip so one of the GIs shot him. It wouldn't have been fatal if he got some plasma. A medic ran up to save his life. The SS man said, 'If that's Jew blood I don't want it.' The GI couldn't tell what kind of blood it was so he didn't give him any. The Nazi died.

Mr. Coady eyed Tommy, "Don't be like the Nazi Tommy. Sandy's a good girl. She might have made a mistake. Tommy we all do dumb things. The Nazi died. He might have turned out to be a pretty good man, but we'll never know."

He repeated, "Hubris killed him. Tommy, don't be like the Nazi. Son, we all make mistakes; give your girl a chance."

Tommy thought about what Mr. Coady said. He stood up, "Can you help me with something else."

Mr. Coady stood also, "If I can."

Tommy placed a small metal box on Mr. Coady's desk, "These are our financial records."

"You want me to go over them?"

Tommy very seriously and sincerely replied, "No I want you to give them to Sandy, my wife."

Coady looked at the boy with mild disbelief. "These are the things people usually fight over."

Tommy answered, "I know, but honestly Sandy knows more about it than anybody. She's the best qualified to fix things in the fairest way."

Coady studied the young man, "You know she could fix it so you got nothing."

Tommy smiled, "Not a chance. I know my girl, I mean my wife. She'd never do that to me."

Coady looked at the young man. He was either supremely accurate in his judgment regarding his wife, or he was the biggest fool in fifteen states, "I'll see that she gets them."

Tommy grinned, "That's a relief to me." They shook hands and Tommy left.

++++++++++++

Outside Barry sat quietly in his blue and white 1968 Camaro. It was his job to trail Tommy to his hideout so the others could close in and get to work.

Tommy kicked his Harley into action and pulled away. Barry turned the ignition on in his Camaro, the supercharger kicked in, and he was right behind. It was hard to tell which engine made the most noise.

Tommy saw Barry's blue and white Camaro not far behind. He considered; should he kick it, slide off the main drag and lose Barry in traffic, or should he let his brother-in-law cruise along in the rear at a safe distance. Better he thought should he reflect on the real question; did he want his wife to know where his current hideout was?

It was a real conundrum; he loved her with all his heart and soul. She was the very air he breathed. To live without her was to not live at all. He didn't want to end up like the Nazi the lawyer mentioned. But did he want to face her; did he, could he look at her without that awful, that terrible feeling of being emasculated again.

Tommy's heart cried out; cruise more slowly, be the wimp, let Barry follow, risk future heartbreak, and take the chance she'll have the answers he needs so desperately to hear, the answers that could offer a lifetime of happiness. But his mind, his pride offered another response; lose Barry in the traffic, fly away, never see or speak to Sandy again, stand like a man and live out the rest of your life an emotionally scarred husk, proud but lonely and drained.

What was it to be; perhaps humbled but happy, or arrogantly proud and forever miserable? He tried to think but just couldn't concentrate. Something kept clouding all rational thought from his mind.

What terrible force was it that was eating at his heart and soul? The tight gnawing pain he felt at the pit of his stomach was a real affliction. Yes, he'd figured it out; his affliction was love; his love for his wife. It was a pure unadulterated, undiluted adoration; it was like a vast deep liquid aquifer lying just beneath the surface of his tormented heart, a kind gentle restorative fluid that could revive his broken soul.

Oh please God he cried out; could that vast reserve of ever binding affection be contaminated? He had to know. If he lost Barry there would no winners. He wanted to win. He turned back on his speed. Barry would follow and find his sanctuary.

++++++++++++

Barry knew he couldn't keep up; he knew he wouldn't be able to follow Tommy's cycle as he nimbly caromed from lane to lane. If Tommy didn't slow down Barry would lose him. What would Tommy do?

Barry silently prayed; come on Tommy don't give up on her. Give her a chance. Let her in; let her in just once more.

Barry knew Sandy's love was boundless; she'd suffered a brief but understandable, just understandable, aberration, an aberration that resulted not from boredom or loss of love, but an aberration that came as result of fear, fear of the decisions she knew she and Tommy had to face. He and his sister had talked all weekend. There were choices, big choices, life choices, choices that loomed like a giant Tsunami. Maybe Tommy didn't see them, but from Sandy's perspective those choices were right there on the horizon.

God Tommy, give her a chance, give her one last shot. You both need it; you're both entitled to it.

++++++++++++

Tommy pulled into the parking lot of the motel just off the Interstate. Barry pulled up and parked just down the road. He got out his cell and called his Dad, "I've got him. He's at the old Hanover Motel just east of Interstate 83." His father said something. Barry unconsciously nodded, "Yeah his car's there too. It's still loaded with his stuff."

Sandy and Barry's dad looked over at Sandy, "We've found him honey."

Sandy started to tear up, "You won't leave me alone. He's so big and strong. I won't be able to hold him." She started to cry, "I won't even get a chance."

Dad wrapped his arms around his little girl, "No we won't leave you. He won't get away. Just remember everything Barry told you. Jesus your brother's been on the Internet all night reading up on this shit. You've got to keep Tommy's pride at bay, keep his anger in check, and stave off that all too self-destructive self-righteous indignation. Remember what Barry said, no apologies, that'll only pour gas on the fire. No tears, no begging, no promises. Your promises now will sound hollow to him."

Sandy nodded, "I'll remember."

Dad added, "Remember Tommy's a man. Men succeed by working together to achieve some common noble purpose. Women like to talk, to analyze. If you try to analyze every feeling you have you'll lose. You've got to set a target; aim for the heart, aim for the future. You know what that is."

Sandy wrapped her arms around her Dad, "I do Daddy."

Dad added one last remonstrance, "Remember what Barry said. It's OK to admit you were stupid, you did, or almost did a really dumb thing, but you're not sorry for anything you did to him, only for being dumb and stupid. Don't talk about being sorry; aim for the brass ring. Don't let him work himself up. You're there to save a marriage, not explain how you might have ruined it."

Sandy squeezed her Dad's shoulders, "I know, but pray for me anyway.

Together they climbed in her Dad's old 1996 Chevy Suburban Pick-up. They were headed for Ground Zero.

Ground Zero

Tommy peaked out the partially closed curtain. They were here; all four of them, Mom and Dad MacDonald, Barry, and Sandy. He watched as Mom stood by his car. He saw her use Sandy's key to open it. He watched as she started to unload all his rumpled clothes and carefully lay them in the back of her 2003 minivan. God he loved that old woman; always the practical one. When he married Sandy he'd married a whole family; that was something he'd never had. Jesus, if he gave up on Sandy, he'd miss that.

He watched as Dad and Barry led the way. They climbed the concrete steps and walked down the outside walk ramp to his motel room door. One of them rang the bell. Tommy walked to the door, opened it, and peered out, "What do you want?"

Dad MacDonald answered, "You need to let us in Tom."

He'd used the more manly aspect of his name. The older man's voice had a resonance to it; a resonance that only came with age and experience. He loved that old man. Tommy opened the door and stepped back.

Sandy rushed inside. She looked quickly about the room; she saw the chair she needed, her operating chair. Without a word she grabbed Tommy's arms and started to push him to the chair. Once she got him where she wanted him she stepped back a foot or so.

At first Tommy started to resist. But he saw his father and brother-in-law. He knew he'd have to suffer through the usual crap that came with this shit, the usual apologies, the customary self-defeating recriminations. Yeah, he'd been on the Internet too.

He looked at his wife. Damn, did he look at her! He looked at her and what she had on. Just the sight of her put him at the point where, if she just kept her mouth shut and stood there long enough he'd promise to forget everything and take her home. Hell, if she waited long enough he'd ask her to forgive him!

She had on her favorite forest green pleated mini-skirt with its matching long sleeved pale green button up blouse. Just through the cloth of her cotton blouse he could faintly glimpse she had on one of her frilly white bras; one of the ones that pushed her tiny breasts up just enough to add to her pretty pert insouciance.

He saw she'd put on a pair of dark green wool knee high stockings that went well with her brown penny loafers. It was one of his favorite outfits.

Her hair was pulled back and done up in a tight bun with a big brown barrette in the back. A few errant tendrils of her silky red hair crowded around her cheeks and big green eyes. He watched as she batted her eyes; the way those long lashes flipped up and down crowded out all his thoughts.

She had tiny ears; she was wearing the garnet earrings and matching necklace he'd bought her for her birthday back in October. He'd bought them for her because he thought they almost exactly matched the shade of her hair.

Sandy's single solitaire diamond engagement ring glittered against her gold wedding band. She'd painted her fingernails with a clear polish. He always thought she had exquisite little hands and fingers.

He could tell she'd put a lot of time in on her face and make up. It was still winter so the freckles were few and far between, but the faint traces of mascara and eye shadow went really well with her creamy soft complexion. She was wearing pink lip gloss. He stood there mesmerized. At the moment all he wanted to do was kiss that sweet little heart shaped mouth.

Sandy had contacts, but today she'd worn her tortoise shells. They were down low on her nose. He watched as she took one delicate finger and pushed them further back. He saw her go a little tiny bit cross eyed as she followed her finger to the glasses and up her nose. He thought her glasses always made her look more scholarly, like the prim little school teacher he loved so much.

Jesus, did she know how utterly and totally beautiful she was? He felt like his heart was about to leap out of his chest. His soul kept whispering; nobody this perfect could ever do anything wrong. This all had to be some crazy mistake.

Sandy pushed him to the chair and, using the weight of her tiny body got him to sit in the soft cushions of the big lazy boy. She plopped down on his lap and unapologetically wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He watched as she unconsciously bit her lower lip. Tommy thought; sweet Jesus make this agony stop!

She tried to lean forward to kiss him.

He expected that. He didn't want to, but he flinched back.

She ignored the flinch. She expected that too, "Tommy I'm not here to apologize. I just want to tell you how I feel, sort of very briefly describe my almost mistake, and then I want us to talk about our future."

Why did her soft voice have to sound so lyrical, so melodic? He looked off at the far wall, "There is no us. There is no future."

He discreetly watched his in-laws. He figured he'd have to put up with her shit for at least a few minutes. He sort of cringed; damn, what if she talked and talked and then gave up and left? Then what would he do? This was so totally fucking unfair!

She didn't hesitate, "Listen first. You remember when we got married how we talked about working a few years before we started our family. Well it's just been four years. I realized a few weeks ago time was up. I started to get scared. I mean I'd be having the babies. What if I'd missed something?"

No she didn't want to say that, "No I mean, what if I didn't think I was ready yet."

She didn't mean that either, "What I mean Tommy is that I got scared about getting pregnant, starting to have our kids, you know changing the way things are right now. I got scared about the future."

Tommy figured something like that. Where was the apology?

Sandy hugged him more tightly, "Getting pregnant would mean me staying home. I'd have to quit my job. I'd have to become a full time housewife. Tommy I got really scared. I like my job. I like teaching. I like working with children. What I mean is I started to feel helpless, sort of vulnerable, but I didn't know where to direct my fears, my feelings of uncertainty."

Tommy looked at her for the first time, "You could've said something to me. I'm the man you married."

She sniffed. She couldn't let herself cry. Barry told her crying was like cheating to men, it was a cheap woman's tool. She had to stay with the program, "I know what I should have done. I guess I just got stupid. No I mean got real stupid. I tried to hide how afraid I was, but the more I tried to hide my fears the more scared I got. Then I started to blame you for how I felt. That was the really stupid thing.

You could've put all my fears about our future to rest. I had your big strong arms, but I was just too dumb and too stupid to open up to the wonderful man I have."

Tommy frowned, "This isn't getting us anywhere."

Sandy hugged even tighter. She knew her physical presence could help, "Listen. Remember the old movie Pulp Fiction?"

Tommy looked off, "Yeah. I remember."

"Remember what Uma Thurman said?"

Tommy replied, "No what did Uma Thurman say?" He said it real sarcastically.

Sandy ignored the sarcasm and answered, "She said there are two kinds of people; those who listen, and those who wait to talk. I want you to be a listener."

He turned around, "OK, I'm a listener." He sighed like he was really bored.

Sandy ignored the deliberate sigh. She'd talked to Barry. He'd warned her that was a man tool; she went on, "OK, well I was scared. I felt really vulnerable. I know I want children, but I got scared. I was afraid to start. It's a big deal for a woman you know. Our bodies change. We get fat. We get sick, and then we have all this pain. Tommy it just scared the living shit out of me. I wanted to run. I wanted to find a way to put all that off."

He growled, "Look if you didn't want to have children."

She interrupted, "You promised to listen. I want children Tommy. I want our children. I want them more than anything, but that doesn't mean I can't get scared. And when people get scared they do and they think things that don't always make sense. I took a lot of what I was afraid of out on you. I wasn't even sure at the time what it was that scared me. I just knew I had you, and I could blame you."

He turned and started to listen, "That wasn't fair..."

She ignored him, "Worse, there was that man, Bill Moyers. He showed up right after Christmas. He picked up on me right away. I've given him a lot of thought Tom." She felt Tommy stiffen at the mention of Bill Moyers.

"Come on Tommy. I was way out in right field. Moyers was the vice principal. You know what he did. He got all the other teachers rest schedules changed so it ended up just me and him. Then he started working on me. Look, I checked this all out on the Internet. I found out what a sexual predator is. I didn't know then, but I know now, he was circling me like a shark. He wanted in my panties. He knew all the right buttons. He knew all the right words. He fed my insecurities, and I fell for it right up to the end...almost."

Tommy really looked at her. His eyes got real wide. He felt really angry, but he felt really helpless too, "You really hurt me Sandy. You had lunch with that man day after day. You lied to me. You made up stories. You jerked the motherfucker off in a restaurant."

Tommy was ready to burst. He was so angry at her. He was filling up with the fury he'd held in for a whole bunch days, he hadn't cried or anything. Men don't cry. Shit he was Scotch; Scottish men didn't do anything emotional. That wasn't true; they held grudges, and they spent a lot time feeling sorry for themselves. Shit he got scared; he didn't want to spend the rest of life alone feeling sorry for himself. Damn it, why didn't she just say she was sorry?

For Sandy it was the moment of truth, all or nothing at all; total victory or utter annihilation, "Yeah I lied, I made up stories. I deceived you. But you know what? You knew. You know me. You saw something was wrong, and then you know what you did?

Tommy's eyes were filling up with tears. He couldn't hold out much longer. He'd either throw her against the wall or just break down. He hoarsely replied, "No what?"

Sandy hoped, she prayed, "I read up on it. Most men liked to wait. They like to let their wives go off the cliff. They buy shit like listening detectors and stuff. They get pictures and shit. Then they flay their wives and their own lives till there's nothing left. You didn't do any of that. You walked right into that restaurant. You walked right up to where I was sitting and you threw that filthy rag right at Moyers. Well you missed the table, but I got it. Not the rag I mean; I got what you were doing. You threw the rag at him. Not me. You threw it at him. You knew what I didn't get. Then you threw your, no our wedding ring at him. You told him he won!

Tommy's eyes were brimming over. He was either going to kill her, choke the fucking life out of her or break right down and cry his fucking eyes out.

Sandy saw Tommy's torment, "Tommy you saw what I didn't see. You saw the shark. You weren't mad at me. Oh I think you were mad at me, but you were mad at me for being so stupid. No, I think you were just ashamed of me. And you should have been. But you went for the marriage murderer, not your stupid idiot wife. It was kind of like you put your body between me and the jaws of a shark. Tommy you saved our marriage, you saved me. Tommy you standing there at the table; you were like Galahad you were my strong white knight. You were my hero! I didn't see it at exactly that second, it took this little asshole maybe another whole five minutes, but I got it. You weren't there in that restaurant to catch me. You were there to rescue me!"

She squeezed him as hard as she could, "You were all the best things a man could ever be. Oh I was still in some kind of fog. I was still stupid, but pretty quick I saw it. I ran away from that guy, and I ran to the parking lot, but you'd cut one of my tires."