A Matter Of Trust

Seeing that Ben was no longer a threat, Colin knelt down to take hold of Aileen. "Mom? Mom are you all right?" Colin asked.

Aileen wasn't all right. She could never be all right again. Colin knew! Oh, God! Colin knew now! How could she live with herself for letting this happen? This was all her fault! She had brought this all down on herself! Why couldn't she have ended things with Ben when he first started talking about mother and son incest? Because she was perverted. She deserved what she got, but what about Colin? He didn't deserve any of this and she had broken her promise to him. How could she ever face him again? It was all over, she had ruined her relationship with her son, she had hurt him, the one thing she vowed she wouldn't do. She was a horrible person.

Aileen couldn't stop shaking. She hugged herself tight and still the trembles wouldn't stop. Tears were streaming down her face, and all she could think was how she had finally lost everything that was important to her. Aileen felt dizzy and nauseous. She couldn't move, her body wouldn't respond to her commands. Her mind felt trapped in her body, like an animal trapped in a pen clawing franticly at the walls to escape. She would do anything to escape from this moment, it felt like her mind was going rip away from her body.Oh my God! I'm losing it!Aileen thought.I'm losing my mind! She felt herself beginning to drift away. She could feel herself losing her grip on reality. She felt like she was being pulled toward a void of darkness.Just let it happen, Aileen thought to herself.Life is filled with too much turmoil. I've had enough reality, maybe by losing my mind I'll find peace...

"Mom?"

What's left for me in the real world anyway?

"Mom, please come back..."

What good is being sane when the world is insane?

"Mom, I need you, please be okay..." She heard his voice as if from far off in the distance. "Mom, I love you, I need you, please come back to me! I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you." She knew that voice. It belonged to...someone...someone important. "Mom, please, it's going to be okay..." It seemed to be calling her back.Back to where? Back to where there was pain. Aileen didn't want anymore pain. It seemed she had had enough pain. "Mom, please..." She was still being called back, pulled back. Colin! That was who the voice belonged to! Colin needed her! For Colin she would face any pain.

Aileen followed the voice like a beacon in the darkness. She followed the voice back to suffering and chaos. But...there was also warmth and love. She heard it in his call and when she opened her eyes the first thing she saw were Colin's deep brown eyes brimming with moisture. "Mom, are you okay?" Colin asked.

Aileen gasped and a loud sob escaped. Her jaw hurt and her throat felt dry like she hadn't used it for a while. "Oh, Colin! I'm so sorry!" she managed to get out.

"Everything's going to be okay, Mom. I love you!"

"Oh Colin! I love you so much and I'm so sorry!" Aileen clung to her son desperately, her hands clutched to his shirt in vice-like grips. He was a rock she could hold on to. He was an anchor for her sanity. She didn't want to let go of him. She had been on the edge of madness, the insidious nature of which had actually made her yearn for it. She didn't realize how frightening that was until now that she had returned from the brink. She would have braved anything to get back to Colin though, no matter the cost. Aileen buried her face in his chest and let out all her agony, all her torment, and all her terror through heartrending sobs. Colin just held her tight. He held her until she had let it all out.

* * *

Patrick set a steaming cup of coffee in front of Aileen. She placed both her hands around the ceramic cup, letting them absorb some of the warmth before she took a sip. It was a fiercely cold day outside and Aileen had only just come into Pat's pub. She could feel the hot liquid flowing through her body, warming her from the inside out.

"Ahhhhh thanks, Pat," Aileen said.

"No problem," Patrick said as he sat down at the table across from Aileen. "How are you doing?" He asked.

"Humph," Aileen muttered, "It was a pretty rough weekend but I'm doing better now, I think." When the police arrived Friday night to take her statement and take Ben into custody they told her she would have to wait until Monday for him to be arraigned. But she had at least gotten a temporary restraining order against him in case he made bail before today. Patrick had come by on Saturday to visit and so he had learned about most of what happened the previous night.

"I just got back from the courthouse and dropped Colin off at school so he could get in a half day." Aileen said. "He didn't want to go but I made him, he felt uneasy leaving me, he's been by my side all weekend." Colin had to be at Ben's arraignment this morning since he was an integral witness but Aileen felt he shouldn't miss any more school than he absolutely had to. Aileen had to take off from work today as well, but when she called her supervisor at the bank and explained the situation, there wasn't any problem.

"I see," Patrick said. "So, how did things go today?" Patrick had volunteered to accompany Aileen to court for moral support, but they had to be there early in the morning so she had insisted he didn't have to come. However, Patrick did make her promise to stop by the pub afterwards for a cup of coffee and to fill him in on what happened.

Aileen sighed, "He got six months probation for breaking and entering and assault. He didn't have much of a prior record, a couple counts of disorderly conduct and a few complaints from his wife, but she never pressed charges, and none of that happened in this state, so there was nothing much they could do. The judge did make the restraining order permanent though." Aileen dropped her head into her arms which were folded on the table.

"I can't believe this is happening again!" Aileen groaned. "I am such a damn fool! For ten years I didn't get seriously involved with any man, and then when I finally do, over the internet no less, it's Fred all over again! I am so ashamed!"

Patrick reached across the table and put his hand on her shoulder. "Leena, don't be so hard on yourself. You're the victim here, that guy Ben had no right to do what he did. You can't blame yourself for getting chummy with some guy you met playing cards on the internet. It's human nature to want to seek contact and make new friends, but he is the one who abused your friendship. I'll grant you that you've had more than your fair share of bad relationships, but that's not your fault. You did nothing wrong."

Aileen looked up and smiled at her brother. "Thanks, Pat. That's nice of you to say, but I still can't help feeling that there is something wrong with me that makes me keep attracting these losers." Patrick didn't know everything that had gone on between her and Ben, and Aileen wasn't going to tell him, but she didn't care if he found out. She didn't really give a damn who found out now, because now Colin knew and it was only his opinion of her she cared about. They hadn't talked much to each other since Friday night, not about anything important. Colin had been sticking close to her, but he stayed silent and brooding. Aileen was terrified of what Colin was thinking about her and that things would never be the same between them. They were going to have to talk things out and soon, they would have no peace as long as the issue was there hanging over their heads. It had to be resolved one way or another because she couldn't go on much longer the way things were.

"There's nothing wrong with you Leena, you've just had a run of bad luck, that will change and things will get better, you'll see." Patrick said.

"I hope you're right," Aileen said, but she was doubtful. For her the only way things could get better was if she made things right between her and Colin because that was all that mattered. But she didn't know how to accomplish that.

"I'm always right," Patrick grinned. Aileen gave her brother a dubious look.

Aileen finished her coffee and said, "Thanks for the hot drink and the pep talk, Pat, but it's time I get going." Aileen got up and started buttoning up her coat.

"Any time, Leena," Patrick said. Then as Aileen began to head for the exit, Patrick said, "You and Colin really aren't coming over for Christmas this year?"

"I'd love to Pat, you know how much I enjoy spending the holidays with you and Sarah and the kids, but Colin is still hurting from his break up with Sheryl, and now this other matter on top of it. I've never seen him this despondent before. Being around Seth right now just adds salt to his wounds and I can't do that to him, not on Christmas." Aileen wasn't sure if Colin even wanted to be with her on Christmas, but there was no way she was going to leave him alone. She had to set things right between them somehow.

Patrick sighed, "I understand. I am so sorry about what happened between him and Sheryl. You know I love Seth, but he's been walking around looking so smug lately, I've felt like slapping that look right off his face. Sometimes I think Dad wasn't all wrong in his method of parenting."

Aileen went rigid at the mention of their father. Patrick must have comprehended the look on her face because he immediately apologized. "I'm sorry. Of course I didn't mean that. That was stupid of me to say. I can't believe I even brought him up."

Aileen managed a smile, "It's ok Pat, that's all water under the bridge."

Patrick nodded in agreement. "So, what are you and Colin going to do for Christmas then?" He asked.

Aileen knit her brows. "I wish I knew," she said. "I've been racking my brain over that question for the past week or so. I suppose we'll just have to have Christmas at the apartment and make do the best we can like we've done in the past. I was hoping the spirit of the holiday season would help snap Colin out of this funk he's in, but the apartment has felt so oppressive lately, there's been such an air of gloom hanging about it, I don't see that happening. I wish I could get him away from there for a few days, but I really can't afford to take us anywhere."

Patrick's eyes brightened, "Say, I've got an idea," he said. "I don't have anyone staying at the cabin over the holidays this year, why don't you and Patrick go up there for Christmas?" A few years ago Patrick bought some land alongside a mountain lake close to Dubois, Pennsylvania and built a snug little cabin up there. Aileen's brother was an avid fisherman and nature lover, but he knew he would also be bringing his wife and kids up there with him and what he considered peace and tranquility, they mostly considered boredom and monotony. So he supplemented the cabin with some luxury items like a lavish entertainment center with large screen television, a satellite dish, a game room, and a spa with a Jacuzzi and Sauna. It was Patrick's dream for him and Sarah to live up there permanently when he retired but for now he settled on spending a couple weeks there with his family three or four times a year, and the rest of the time he rented the cabin out to help finance it.

Aileen and Colin had been invited up to the cabin several times, and she loved it up there. "Oh, Patrick, do you really mean it?"

"Sure I do, consider it a Christmas gift," Patrick said.

"That sounds perfect! This could be just the change he needs." Aileen said hugging her brother. This might actually be what they both needed. Having fresh air and fresh surroundings, and some time for undistracted talk, maybe she and Colin could make a fresh start. Aileen felt hope burgeoning inside her. "Oh thank you, Patrick!" she said.

"Your welcome, Leena," Patrick said with a big grin.

Aileen gave her brother a peck on the cheek. "You've become a really good guy, Pat. I'm proud of you." Then she kissed Patrick on his other cheek, "That one's for Sarah, because she deserves a lot of the credit for who you've become."

Patrick rolled his eyes and smiled, "You don't need to tell me that, she reminds me every day."

CHAPTER 4: A WORLD OF THEIR OWN

When Aileen told Colin the news that they would be spending Christmas up at the cabin he seemed pretty amiable to the idea, apparently the thought of getting away from the apartment for a few days appealed to him as well. It was a four hour drive from Philadelphia to the mountain cabin and they planned on leaving early in the morning on Christmas Eve day, but it wasn't until slightly before noon before they were actually on their way. Not only had Patrick given them the use of his cabin, he also lent them his SUV. He said he didn't need it if he was staying in the city, and he would feel better knowing they had his four wheel drive vehicle to navigate the mountain roads. Colin was better at handling this type of vehicle than she was, so he drove.

The drive up was actually quite pleasant. The change of scenery as they drove from the city where so many of the buildings were festively decorated, to the country with its natural elegance, then up into the majestic beauty of the mountains was marvelous to observe. The radio was playing continuous Christmas carols which helped put Aileen in a holiday mood. Colin seemed to be enjoying himself, on the surface at least. When a particular song that he liked came on he commented on it, he also talked about their previous visits to the cabin. They had always gone in the summer before, he talked about how he had swam out to the island in the middle of the lake and speculated on whether the lake would be frozen enough now that he could walk to it.

Colin seemed to be in a cheery mood, but Aileen knew that he was still very troubled, just as she was. They really needed to talk. A couple of times Aileen almost started a serious discussion, but then decided to just hold off until they were actually at the cabin. She wanted to pretend that everything was still normal between them, just for a while on the drive up, after they talked, their relationship might be so damaged that she wouldn't even be able to pretend any longer. She rested her head on his shoulder and drifted off into a fitful sleep

They arrived there in the late afternoon. The cabin looked bigger than it had the last time they were there. It was just the two of them this time. It was very cold up in the mountains and the lake was indeed frozen over, but Aileen wouldn't recommend walking across it, the ice looked pretty thin in places. The air was brisk, but it was also clean and refreshing. Stark trees laid bare for the winter intermingled with evergreen ones all over the landscape. There were patches of snow on the ground and the mountain tops that could be seen through the clouds were all white capped. More snow was coming too, the sky was overcast, but more than that, she could taste it in the air.

"We better get the car unpacked. It looks like it's going to start snowing soon." Aileen said. Colin agreed with her and started unloading the vehicle.

By the time they got everything inside the sun was setting and snowflakes had begun to lightly drift down from the sky. Aileen thought she might as well start making dinner. Among the groceries they brought up to the cabin were a ham and a turkey. She decided she would bake the ham tonight and save the turkey for tomorrow's dinner.

Colin went out the back door to get some wood for the fire place. In about fifteen minutes he came back inside holding an armful of logs. He was covered with snow. Aileen looked out the kitchen window and saw that flakes were now falling furiously from the sky. "Definitely a white Christmas this year!" Aileen said.

"I know, it's perfect!" Colin said as he shook off the snow. "I love having a white Christmas!" Colin headed into the living room towards the fireplace. "The woodshed is stocked full," he called back to her, "so we can keep this place nice and toasty and I won't have to worry about chopping any wood."

"That's great!" Aileen said, and then she went back to making dinner. About an hour later she had their Christmas Eve dinner prepared and ready to serve. Aileen brought the ham out to the dining room table, she saw that Colin had made an inviting fire; the living room was all ready growing warm. Aileen also noticed, with surprise, a small Christmas tree in the corner. Colin was standing next to it and smiling proudly.

"We can't have Christmas without a tree," he said. It looked like Colin had chopped off one of the fuller branches of one of the evergreen trees outside then brought it inside and strung it with some colorful lights and a few ornaments. He even had a little stand for it so it wouldn't fall over. Underneath he had placed the wrapped presents they had brought up with them from home. He must have been planning this before they left because Aileen recognized the decorations from their tree at home, especially the star on top. "What do you think?" Colin asked.

The tree wasn't grand, it wasn't extravagant, and it wasn't needlessly ornate, it was a simple, charming little tree.Charlie Brown, eat your heart out, Aileen thought as she smiled. It was perfect for their private little Christmas. "I think it's wonderful," Aileen said choking up a bit, moved by Colin's gesture.

They sat down at the table to enjoy their meal. The lights were turned down low so most of their light was coming from the Christmas tree, the crackling fire, and the candles Aileen had lit on the table for a final touch. Through the windows they could see the snow continuing to fall outside, and inside, the cabin had indeed become toasty. It all led to a very cozy atmosphere.

As they ate, Colin lapsed back into detached silence. He was brooding again. Aileen had had enough of it and she knew it was finally time to clear the air between them. "Colin, please talk to me," she said. "I know there must be a lot on your mind, if you could just tell me what you're feeling, maybe we could both start healing."

Colin looked up into her eyes. "This place reminds me of Seth," he said. "I've tried to ignore it, I've tried to add my own personal touches, but all my memories of this place are from when we were all here together...with him. His stink permeates this place, just like it does everything else in my life."

"Oh, Colin," Aileen sighed, this wasn't where she expected he'd start, but at least he was talking. "We didn't go to your Uncle's this year because Seth would be there, and we didn't stay home because it was just too depressing there, I didn't know what else to do. It's not like I could have flown us to Disneyland or something."

"I know Mom, I know. You've done great, this was a terrific idea. The problem is with me. I'm sorry. I know Seth isn't the root of all evil in the world, but lately it's getting harder and harder not to believe that. It makes me sick to think of the influence I've let him have over my life. I just can't get over the pain that guy has caused me."

"It's okay, Sweetie, and there is nothing to be sorry about. I want to help you get over this. In time the pain will dull and you will find somebody else, you have so much to offer any young woman..."

"And Seth will always be able to offer more. Seth always wins," Colin said interrupting her. "You think I want to go through this again?"

"It won't be the same, Colin. You'll find someone who really loves you..."

"I thought Sheryl loved me. She said she did," Colin said. "For two years we went out, I thought I had come to know her so well, and she me. I know that relationships are seldom permanent, but I thought we had a shot. For years I've had to listen to the guys brag about how many girls they've bagged. It was like a game to them, every time they slept with a different girl it was another point and then they moved on to score again, and Seth was the ringleader of the bunch!