A Matter Of Trust

"But, you know...that never bothered me. I couldn't see what was so appealing in having sex with someone you barely knew. I always imagined it as the ultimate act of sharing oneself, of trusting someone enough to let them see you when you are most vulnerable. How can you trust a virtual stranger? You can't. I saw Seth and the others as always having to keep their guard up, always holding a piece of their selves back when they were with someone. I wanted no part of that. I had Sheryl and I knew that when we finally did it, it would be something special."

Now that Colin was talking it was like a dam had burst and all his feelings were pouring through. Aileen listened intently to everything he said, but she focused on the last part. When theyfinally didit? It would be something special? "Colin..." Aileen began, "Are you saying that you and Sheryl never..."

"She said she wanted to wait until she was ready. I didn't want to push her into anything she didn't want to do. When the time came I wanted us both to want it." Colin said.

Aileen was silent for a moment. Colin had been going out with Sheryl since he was sixteen, and he had never seriously dated anyone else. "Colin, are you a virgin?" Aileen asked. Colin's face flushed deep red, he looked away from her eyes, starring down at his plate, and then he nodded.

My God! Aileen thought,My tall, strapping eighteen year old son is still a virgin! He had been dating Sheryl for so long that she had just assumed they would have done it by now. She had given him the sex talk when he was younger, told him that she would prefer he didn't do it at all, but if he did use precautions and all that. But she was realistic and thought that for sure he would have had sex by now. She knew the onus that was on teenagers to lose their virginity, especially the boys. And Colin was so handsome that there must have been plenty of girls interested in him. But even in the face of peer pressure Colin had remained loyal to Sheryl, and he stuck to his beliefs and convictions. She didn't think the admiration she had for her son could grow anymore, but just now it did.

Aileen reached her hand across the table to grasp Colin's, "There's nothing wrong with that..." she began, but Colin gave a sardonic chuckle.

"You know what's funny?" said Colin. "Sheryl is one of the girls Seth brags about now, especially when I'm around."

"He's just trying to goad you Honey, it's probably not even true," Aileen said.

"It's true," Colin said. "I confronted Sheryl about it. She denied it at first but I could see she was lying. Eventually she admitted it. I always thought that even if we didn't end up together, we were at least going to be each other's first...but we didn't even have that. Seth won again. Seth always wins in the end."

Now it all came clear to Aileen. Now she understood the whole picture and she could see why this was so much more than an ordinary breakup. She understood why her boy was so distraught. "My poor, sweet, baby boy, what have they done to you?" Aileen whispered.

"Is this how people are?" Colin asked. "I mean even though I thought Seth and I were friends, it doesn't surprise me that he did this, but Sheryl, I would have trusted her with my life. I thought I knew her, but she betrayed me. It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to trust anyone else."

Colin's words shook Aileen to the core. They echoed exactly her thoughts of late. Both of them were going through the same crisis of losing trust. Then another thought slipped unbidden into her mind.He could trust me... Aileen was surprised by the thought, and she found when she tried to dismiss it, it would not leave. Colincould trust her. She loved him so much, she would be so good to him, and he would never have to worry about her loving anyone more than him...

She couldn't believe what she was thinking. How could she think of her own son that way? The same reason she was turned on by all those mother and son incest stories and the role playing with Ben, the reason that she couldn't admit to herself until now why it appealed to her so much. After all she had been through, the idea of a mother and son in love seemed so heart achingly pure. The bond was so strong between a mother and son, the son was the one person the mother could trust not to hurt her. At least that was how it was between her and Colin. Aileen was struck by an epiphany. She not only loved Colin, she wasin love with him. Aileen felt a surge of arousal in her loins with that realization, immediately followed by an intense wave of guilt.My son is pouring out his heart to me, and I can't stop thinking about how much I desire him! Aileen thought, disgusted with herself.

Aileen was having difficulty breathing. How could this be possible? Was she truly the most perverted woman on the face of the Earth? She couldn't allow herself to think of her son that way. But she knew she would never love anyone as much as she loved Colin, and it broke her heart that it was so wrong to love him that way. She felt a single tear escape her eye and run down the side of her face.

"Mom? Are you okay?" Colin asked.

"I'm so sorry Colin," Aileen said.

"Mom, none of this is your fault," Colin said.

"It's all my fault," Aileen said. She wasn't talking about Colin's situation with Seth and Sheryl though, not directly. "It's my fault that I'm such a horrible mother," she said as more tears fell freely.

"Mom, what are you talking about? You are a wonderful mother! You've been the only one I can count on!" Colin said.

Aileen shook her head. "I've let you down; I know I have, even when I promised you I wouldn't."

"Mom, I...I don't understand?" Colin said perplexed. "Does this have something to do with what happened with that guy Ben?" Aileen could only nod. "You said you were sorry that night too. Did what he say...was it true? Did you really do those things with him? Those fantasies?"

Here was the moment of truth. Aileen had to confess now or she didn't think she ever would, and any hope of salvaging their relationship would be lost. Aileen brought her hand up to her face to try to control her blubbering but it was no use. "I'm so sorry!" She said. "I knew it was wrong, but I didn't think... I...I never meant to hurt you! Now you see how horrible I am!"

Colin rushed over to her side. "Mom, it's not you're fault. It was that guy Ben, he tricked you!" He said.

"No. I was deceived by Ben, that's true. I thought he was someone I could trust. But that doesn't change the fact that I still did those things with him and (please forgive me, Colin!) I enjoyed them. But it wasn't all like he said. It wasn't something crude, at least it wasn't to me...it was something beautiful. It was channeling a love I have for you I had no right feeling, but yet I did. So, I must be perverted. I'm so sorry Colin, I would have done anything to keep this from you, but now that you knew I had to talk this out with you!"

Colin banged his fist on the table. It startled Aileen and made her jump. "Damn!" Colin said. "This never would have happened if I had spent more time with you. He never would have hurt you like he did."

Aileen was confused. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Mom...when Ben said that you liked to pretend you were having sex with your son...sure, I was floored, but that's not what's been bothering me since that night. It didn't matter if what he said was true or not, either way the reason he was there was because of me."

Aileen couldn't understand what her son was trying to say. "Colin, you're not making any sense, he was there because of me, you had nothing to do with it."

Colin sighed. "I've been holding something back, for a long time, but I can't keep it to myself any longer."

"Colin, you can tell me anything, you know that." Aileen assured him.

"Well, if you're perverted, then so am I. I have had fantasies about you, for a while now. I just thought it was natural for a son to love his mother like that. You've always been there for me. When I thought no one else in the world cared about me, there was always you telling me how much you loved me. How could I not fall in love with you? I love spending time with you, doing things with you, just being with you." Aileen was stunned and she didn't know what to say. He had been having fantasies about her? He was in love with her? The very idea was enough to give her an anxious feeling in her stomach and make her pussy begin to moisten. Aileen gave herself a mental shake. She had to get control of herself! It was wrong to feel this way!

"But a few years ago I started getting teased for being a mama's boy, mainly by Seth." Colin continued. "He was unrelenting. I shouldn't have let it get to me, but it did. Thinking that what I felt for you was an impossible dream anyway, I was determined to prove that I wasn't a mama's boy, so I distanced myself from you.

"Then I met Sheryl and the feelings I developed for her were real, but nothing compared to what I felt for you, but still I was trying to distance myself. I came to love her only because I had closed off the part of myself that was in love with you.

"I was devastated when Sheryl broke up with me, but since last Friday that hasn't been the thing that has been troubling me. Mom, I don't think I could go on living if I ever lost you. That guy, he hurt you, and it scared me to death. To make matters worse, I realized it was all because of me that it happened. I abandoned you. I detached myself from you because I was afraid of what it looked like when I was hanging around with you all the time. You got lonely which led you to the internet and befriending that asshole. It was my fault you got involved with him. He was there because I deserted you. If I hadn't let Seth's taunting get to me back then, this would never have happened." Tears were welling up in Colin's eyes now. "This was the second time I caused you to be hurt. I'm so sorry."

"Second time?" Aileen said perplexed.

"The first time was with Dad. The time he beat you up, that was all because of me too."

Aileen felt like someone had reached into her chest and grabbed hold of her heart and was squeezing it. How long had he been holding that in? She grabbed hold of her son and hugged him tight. "Oh, Colin, never, never, ever blame yourself for that!"

"Why not? It's true! I remember that day. It all happened because of me, I made Dad angry and..."

"Colin!" Aileen stressed, "You need to understand this, your father was an abusive man and he would have turned on us sooner or later no matter what. It was my fault for not leaving him earlier. I've blamed myself for that so long and I made a promise that I would never let you be hurt again, now look at where we are. Just look."

Colin took hold of Aileen's arms and looked into her eyes. "Mom? It seems we both have been carrying around a lot of guilt for a long time. What if...what if we stopped blaming ourselves for what's happened in the past and just forgive each other for whatever wrongs we think we may have done to one another? I love you so much and I always will."

"That sounds wonderful Darling." Aileen said through tears, she was just so happy he didn't hate her for what she had done. If he forgave her, it was time to put the guilt behind her. "I will always love you Son. You can trust in that at least."

"I know," Colin said, "I may have lost my faith in the rest of the world, but I'll never lose it in you."

"Baby, don't lose your faith," Aileen said placing her hand on his cheek. "There is joy in the world. I still believe that because after all I've been through, the world still gave me you. That makes up for all the pain. You'll find your own joy, just give it time."

"What if my joy is staring me right in the face?" Colin said taking her hand in his, and then he leaned in and placed his lips on hers. The kiss was tender and it was passionate and Aileen had no will to resist it even though she knew it was wrong.Let me just have this moment... Aileen said to herself. She closed her eyes and surrendered to bliss. Colin was all that existed to her. All she heard was his breathing, all she smelled was his body, all she felt were his lips, and when he parted her lips to slip his tongue inside her mouth, all she tasted was ambrosia.

Too soon the moment ended, however, and Aileen was able to curb herself. She pulled away from Colin and looked into his depthless brown eyes. There was a light in his eyes that seemed to call to her, but she held fast. "Colin, that was lovely, but we can never do that again," she said.

The smile on his face quickly faded away, "Mom, why? I thought this was what you wanted? I want it too! Now we know how we feel about each other, we don't need to hide our feelings anymore, we can be together!"

"We just absolved ourselves of our mistakes; I don't want to start making new ones all ready. Things can never happen for us in that fashion. We are mother and son, that's all we can ever be, because that's the way it is."

The light in Colin's eyes changed from beckoning to dismay. "What if not acting on our feelings is the mistake?" He said. "I've decided that I'm no longer going to let myself be manipulated by the opinions of others. I love being with you Mom. I've always loved it, and now I'm no longer ashamed of that. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are the only one I want."

"Colin, please don't make this more difficult than it all ready is," Aileen said with fresh tears in her eyes. "It would be wrong and damaging to have a relationship like that. I love you too much to do that to you."

"It would be damaging to be in a relationship with a man who would worship you, who would treat you with nothing but love and tenderness for all his life? That would be damaging? But being with a man who likes to hit and lash out at you, that's acceptable? That must be it because I definitely can see a pattern here."

Aileen slapped him. Hard. She had never hit him like that before, her hand stung from the slap, but her heart stung even more, especially when she saw the hurt in his eyes. Colin silently walked over to his coat, put it on, and then walked out the door.

This couldn't be happening! They couldn't have just settled things between them only to have them fall apart again! Aileen grabbed her own coat and headed out the door. She looked to her left and saw Colin standing on the porch, hands stuck in his coat pockets. She went and stood next him. There were several inches of snow on the ground and it was still coming down steadily. The trees and bushes were coated with it and the whole land was white. Colin was staring intently at the falling snow. Aileen wanted to say something to him, but she didn't know what. She reached her hand out and laid it on his arm she needed to have contact with him.

"I love snow," Colin said. His breath was visible vapor in the air. "It's like magic."

"Magic?" Aileen asked.

"It blankets everything, makes it all one color. It quiets everything down. The world looks and feels completely different after a snowfall. It's pristine and serene. Especially up here, it feels like we have a world of our own. It feels like magic to me."

"Magic," Aileen said again. "I see what you mean." Colin nodded and continued to stare. After a few minutes Aileen couldn't bear the silence any longer. "Colin, I'm sorry..." Aileen began but Colin stopped her before she got any further.

"Mom, don't apologize, please. If anyone should apologize it should be me. I was an asshole for what I said to you and I deserved the slap. It knocked some sense into me. I understand why we can't be together, and I accept it."

"It just wouldn't be fair to you, Sweetheart." Aileen said. "We wouldn't have anything like a normal life, we would always be being judged by others, we'd be treated like criminals. Hell, we would be criminals according to the law. I can't put you through that."

Colin turned and faced her. "I told you I understood the reasons, Mother, but you need to understand this. I love you and I would go through any obstacle, any hardship, and any torture possibly conceived of in Hell to be with you, the only thing I won't do is fight you, because you're the only person in the world I need on my side. If you say you can't let it happen, then I have to accept it."

"Colin, please don't talk that way!" Aileen cried.

Colin bent in and kissed his mother on the cheek. "I'm just telling you how I feel. I am now, and always shall remain, helplessly in love with you. If all we can have is a platonic love, then I will just count myself lucky to be in your presence and that will be enough."

"I think that's all I'll be able to give you," Aileen said.

"Then I'll be grateful we can at least have that," Colin said. Then he started to walk back to the cabin entrance.

"Where are you going?" Aileen asked.

"To bed I think, it was a long drive up and I'm kind of tired."

"I thought, maybe we could watch one of Pat's DVD movies together on that huge TV?" Aileen said.

"It's been a long day. I think I would rather just turn in," Colin said. "How about we do that tomorrow? Maybe Uncle Pat's got some Christmas movies in his collection."

"All right, tomorrow then," Aileen said.

"Good night Mom."

"Good night Colin."

Colin started to enter the cabin, but before he was out of sight Aileen called out, "Colin!"

He turned his head and looked at her. "Yes?"

"I love you!" Aileen said.

Colin smiled, but it was a wistful smile, "I love you too," he said, and then he entered the cabin leaving her outside all alone. Aileen hadn't noticed how bitterly cold it was until that moment.

CHAPTER 5: A POINT OF NO RETURN

Aileen went back inside the cabin and after she cleaned up after their dinner and put away the leftovers, she decided she might as well retire to bed herself. Before she left the living room she walked over to Colin's Christmas tree and straightened the star on top. The tree was a tiny island of cheer in a room that had suddenly grown dark and lonely.

Things had worked out well this evening. There were some surprises, but she and Colin had talked out their feelings and things were fair between them again. It was all Aileen had hoped to accomplish by coming here. Now they could both enjoy spending Christmas together tomorrow. Yes, things had definitely worked out well. So why did she feel so empty inside?

Aileen went to her room to get ready for bed. Colin had left her the master bedroom, taking one of the smaller rooms for himself. Aileen had her own private bathroom which had its own access to the spa room with the Jacuzzi and sauna. She changed into her nightgown, then washed her face and brushed her teeth. When she turned off the light in the bathroom something caught her attention. There was light seeping in under the door from the spa room.

Aileen hadn't even been in that room yet this trip. She walked over to the door and it was locked. She unlocked it and opened the door and sure enough the fluorescent lights were on bright. She stepped down into the room, walked around the Jacuzzi, and over to the sauna. Nearby on a ledge folded semi-neatly was a pair of plaid boxer shorts and a white tee shirt. On the floor sitting in a little puddle of melted snow were Colin's boots. He must have come into the spa the other way, from the back porch.

Aileen stepped up to the sauna and peered into the small round window on its door to see if Colin was in there. Yup, he was in there all right. Aileen quickly averted her gaze and she felt herself begin to blush after catching a glimpse of her son in the nude. He probably wanted to sweat out some tension before he went to sleep, Aileen surmised. She made to leave Colin in peace, but her feet remained planted where they were. Something inside her made Aileen look through the window for one more peak.