A Matter of Trust Ch. 01

Sorry, but this story is a mess. All the facts we're given about Nathan's upbringing don't sync with any of the details about Candace, his foster sister. We're meant to be sympathetic to Nathan, but he comes across as shallow, vapid, creepy, and uninteresting, and he makes decisions that make no sense whatsoever. Someone else noticed, too, a lot of redundant language. Structurally, it's written a lot better than most stories on this site, but the major plot holes and inconsistencies are huge problems.

Do you even read these so call suggestions . If they know so much ? Why aren't they writing ?

Good stuff . Don't change a thing .

"'Oh yeah, she told us that you would be stopping by and needed a place to crash for the night. Sorry to hear about your flight. Please, come in and warm up. It's freezing out there.' She replied as she quickly rushed me inside.

Now not being one to argue with a beautiful woman, that and standing outside I was starting to get wet from all the snow falling on me, I quickly grabbed my things, turned and entered the house."

This story is full of extraneous bits that don't make sense, add nothing worthwhile to the story, don't propel the story along, and make Nathan come across as vapid and full of himself. Example: why would he argue with the person inviting him inside the very house where she is already expecting him to stay the night? He wouldn't. Nobody would.

Using a turn of phrase (not being one to argue with a beautiful woman) just for the sake of having a thought go through Nathan's one-track mind doesn't serve any purpose other than continuing to make him look dumb and offering further proof that he doesn't have a single original thought ever run through his head.

A general rule is that numbers nine or less or that begin a sentence are written out. This also often applies to numbers that can be written in one or two words, but it doesn't have to. Some examples from the first page: "I had met Jackson when I was about 5." "They were about 2 months older than me..." "I was 14 at the time.." "Between the 5 of them..." "... for the 3rd year in a row." "... we had been talking for almost 2 hours..." "... it had been almost 8 years..." "... at least 1 or 2 hot single girls..." "Pick me up at 7." "... talked to the gentleman for about 15 minutes." All of those should have been written out.

These are fine. "He was just over 6'2" tall... " "... just over 6' tall, and if I weighed 160 lbs... " "She was around 5'7" tall... " "... 26-year-old."

"We would always do things together..." "We would always go camping, fishing..." That second always is redundant and incorrect.

"My aunt and their parents sat me down... and talked about what was going to happen to me." This implies that the aunt and the neighbors discussed with each other what was going to happen before discussing it with Nathan, but the rest of the paragraph contradicts that. "My aunt explained that I would be going to live with her back on the east coast..." "Their parents had offered to let me stay with them..." "I asked my aunt if that was ok and she seemed to jump at the idea."

"Ron and Barbra Parker quickly became like a second mom and dad to me." They didn't become "like" second parents. They became his actual second parents.

"... to grab a drink and a quick snack..." "After finishing my meal..." Snack and meal are not the same thing.

"It was a few days before the prom..." Arrangements for prom such as tuxes, dresses, transportation, corsages, and dates are made well in advance of prom night, months even, not days before. It is unrealistic and outright impossible for a class to make all those arrangements in a few days. It just doesn't happen that way.

Who's speaking? "She went to grab Candace, but Jackson quickly jumped in the middle of it, keeping both girls at bay. 'Fine then, if he's so special then why don't you be his date? You wouldn't want to be the one giving the nerd a sympathy date because you can't get a real man.'" It's not immediately clear who said that. It reads like Jackson did, but that's not something his best friend would say about him. After reading on and then rereading the scene we can deduce it was Tiffany, but it should be clear from the start.

Redundant: "I always secretly admired Candace to the point that I had a crush on her at one point growing up..."

There is big problem regarding Nathan and Candace in the high school flashback scene. Nathan was taken in by Candace's parents when they were fourteen. By the time senior prom came around three or four years later, he would not have just been her brother's awkward friend. He would have been living with her all those years. It's unlikely he'd be shocked she was talking to him. It's extremely unlikely that she would attempt to pull off such a cruel prank when they lived under the same roof and both had to answer to her parents. Also, since they live in the same house she wouldn't have to tell him what time to pick her up. That whole exchange was confusing. I expected the pick-up time thing to be a silly joke because of the living together part, but it wasn't. Nothing about their relationship in high school and that exchange makes any sense.

Nathan has been in the military for eight years, and he refers to his trip for the wedding as going back home, but he also says he's planning to stay in a hotel. If he's going home, why isn't he staying with his foster parents?

I can't help but wonder why Nathan has almost no apprehension about traveling a half hour in a blizzard bad enough to shut down most taxi service and an entire airport to stay the night on the couch of someone who bullied him in high school after his parents died to the point that he fled to the armed forces and hasn't been home since. Being mildly put off at the thought of being uncomfortable at the airport overnight doesn't explain it.

"She was a mix of Asian..." My dude, there are around 50 countries in Asia and hundreds of ethnic groups. "A mix of Asian" isn't descriptive. It's borderline racist.

Redundant: "... maybe about 5'6" tall I would guess... " You can say maybe 5'6" tall, about 5'6" tall, or 5'6" tall I would guess, but not all three at once.

Unnecessary: "... but her heeled boots seemed to help with her height a little." It's a fact that footwear with heels makes the wearer taller. Heeled boots don't "seem" to help her height. They actually do make her taller.

Why is the exchange with the roommate that opens the door to Candace's house framed like it's so weird? Replying the way he did was probably the way 99 out of 100 people would have. Nathan chastising himself for not being smooth about it makes no sense. He didn't forget his name, stumble over his words, or respond in an overly immature way by offering his dick like he thought about.

Redundant: "She was about the same height as the other woman before me, probably around 5'6"... " Dude, just pick one. She was about the same height as the other woman, she was probably 5'6", or she was around 5'6". We don't need to be told more than once in the same sentence.

"Above the fireplace was one of the largest flat screens I have ever seen." TV Installation 101: TVs don't belong above fireplaces. It's way too high to be viewed comfortably.

"'Candi,' I thought... What an amazing stripper name..." Nathan lived next door to her since age five and lived with her throughout high school. Surely he heard her parents, brother, or friends call her Candi before.

Again: "...she was around 5'10" tall, although she was wearing these little heels that seemed to give her another inch or so." Just refer to the previous remarks.

Unnecessary: "As much as I wanted to have her be a stand-in for the hug that I previously received from Candace, I had a suspicion that wasn't going to happen. Call it a hunch..." It doesn't take a master's degree in psychology to consider that a complete stranger who also happens to be famous and has to worry about creepy guys all the time wouldn't want to welcome Nathan the way Candace did. We don't need to call it a hunch. It's called common sense. And Nathan is probably giving off major creep vibes anyway.

Redundant: "We talked for a little while more and I had found out the girls met during college." We already know this because Jackson told Nathan when Nathan was at the airport. "If for some reason you can't find a place, I can give my sister a call. She lives just outside of Denver with a couple of her friends from college." It's even on the same page.

"Melissa was already a member, being accepted the year prior, but they quickly hit it off and became inseparable." Why is that a but? It's not unusual for sorority members of all years to be become friends. The but should be removed and the sentence split into two.

Unnecessary: "I did have to admit, even though I wasn't much of a cook as I usually just grabbed a bite to eat from the mess hall on base or just grabbed some takeout, I really liked this kitchen." Nathan already gave us that impression further up on the page when he first arrived. He said it was "any chef's dream kitchen." Regardless of Nathan's experience or abilities in a kitchen, he doesn't need to "admit" he likes it as if it's an unusual confession. If you're trying to tell readers how Nathan usually gets his meals, there are better ways.

Women in their 20s are not girls. He is not familiar with anyone in the house, so it's not considered a term of endearment. In addition, Nathan doesn't call the men in Taylor's house boys. If he can manage that, he can manage to not call grown women girls.

"'What an awesome idea' screamed Melissa..." They just ate dinner and are clearing the table. Nobody's screaming about anything. You need a more accurate verb.

The word rival is used too often. About Candace: "She could rival any of the girls at school for her beauty..." About Tiffany: "The only girl I thought that could rival Candace in the entire school." About Melissa: "The Asian beauty was gorgeous, but this woman could easily rival her." It gets to the point where we wonder if you know what rival means. Why are women always in competition for most sexy in Nathan's mind? He claims he's older and wiser since high school, but the way he thinks about women at age 26 is exactly the same way he did as at 18, if not worse. Scenes like these:

"'Hi, can I help you?' she asked.

'Umm...' I said, trying to think of what to say to this goddess. This woman looked like women I had only seen in magazines. What I wanted to say was 'Yes, I'm here to deliver you a nice hard dick, you sexy fucking thing...'"

"We quickly made small talk and I was formally introduced to her friends. (I had something I'd love to introduce them too as well...)"

Is this a letter to Hustler? Your creepy uncle's stand-up comedy routine? Nathan's immaturity is over the top. With each borderline predatory encounter with a woman I am less and less sympathetic for his hardship and the bullying he endured.

Basically all we know about Candace is the horrible plot she was part of to humiliate Nathan in high school. Why did Nathan even consider crashing at her place, much less go through with it? Why wasn't he more hesitant? Given the author's description of their relationship from age five to 18, why was he so receptive to her friendly greeting? At age 26 why doesn't Nathan understand looks aren't everything? It. Doesn't. Make. Sense. This dude's a mess. And I've only covered the first two pages.

Thank you all so much for the feedback thus far. It means a lot that you all enjoyed the story. I will be finishing this story, that I can promise because I am also very interested in where I can take these characters and story. I am working on ch. 6 currently and will be submitting the next chapter very soon.