All Comments on 'A Meeting on the Train'

Everything is written in 3rd person progressive which creates distant and detached characters and narrative which has no emotional impact. Check out the following stores for some ideas on how to craft a narrative and express emotion.

Also, find an on-line copy of "Save The Cat". It can be read in an afternoon. Its a great introduction to story structure.

Best of luck

God of Mischief and Lies - Loki finds something he can't control

One of the best short stories on this site

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1659737&page=submissions

Westerons - Abandoned on a planet in the 1700's - All of AspernEssling's stuff is good

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=2539559&page=submissions

A God Called Bruce - Very inventive by TaleMaster

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1196364&page=submissions

Three Square meals - One of the best epic space operas anywhere.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=2967464&page=submissions

Well done. I liked it.

wow!

lots of fun

Your story has potential, but I lost interest quickly when I realised it was written in the present tense and in third person. Another commenter has suggested you look at some other works, which is a good idea - there’s a reason why successful novels are written in the past tense.

Thank you for the feedback everyone.

The comments about writing in the third person make a lot of sense, certainly something I'll change!

In hindsight, it even felt somewhat awkward writing in the third person, I should have listened to that feeling!

Thank your feedback everyone.

Writing in the third person did feel awkward, and now I know why! I should have listened to that feeling.

This is how I get better, I appreciate the input!