A New Song

I arranged an appointment to go in and discuss everything.

I had over forty new songs. I'd marked a number for the three girls. Three I reluctantly, noted Leigh-Anne. Dawn said quietly, "Her album will be out next month. It will be immense. She poured her own pain into the words describing your pain. I can't listen to it without tears streaming down my face. Not a good image for a cut throat agent.

"She's completely changed her entourage. On stage she's Leigh-Anne. Off stage, she's a lonely Elizabeth. She's seeing a counsellor as to why she threw you away. You'd cared so deeply about her, not the star. She's asked a few times if you could meet up so she can apologise directly to you."

I nodded before adding angrily, "I don't know if that's a good idea. So much vitriol came from her. Yes, Jones fed it to her but she didn't have to swallow it."

Dawn moved on to the film scripts. One had me laughing. It was a kids one. It had so many funny twists, it intrigued me. I wasn't sure I could imagine it. Dawn laughed, "You're still a big kid. Let your imagination go with this. You may have missed the Oscar for the other one but that was more about American bias."

I agreed to speak to the three as their timescales allowed me to. The stars surprised me. I had a number of songs in this group, which I could amend for them. Dawn was happy, very happy.

As I was leaving she said, "David, speak with Elizabeth. You've hidden yourself since you broke up. You haven't expressed anything unless we look at the words of your songs. While some have light, some have such pain. Work, no social life. It may help you speaking with her at her counsellor's. She's very good. Use her to help you as well."

She laughed, "This is an option which works doesn't it!"

It was a conspiracy. Michael called me, "David, I spoke with Dawn and she said you were reluctant to speak with Elizabeth. I understand. After her sessions Elizabeth is often distraught so I know it won't be easy for either of you. I'm sure it will help you both. Her next session is tomorrow at four pm. Betty can't listen to her new album without crying. I have tears bubbling up. You wrote those songs. Your pain is in them. Her pain is etched in her voice. If you speak before it comes out next month, it may help you both cope with the media storm it will create.

"Jack and Dawn are in awe over it. They think it will be worldwide not just Europe and a hiccup in the States. The media will be after you both. It will be far worse than when you broke up because of that bitch Jones. I wouldn't ask but you've never moved on. You hide from your emotions unless you're writing.

"Let Sarah help you both."

I finally agreed if only to stop the calls. It seems everyone I knew from her parents, agent, producers knew what was best for me and I didn't. My parents and I had a lukewarm relationship. I felt like throwing a two-year old's tantrum. I probably did in my flat. I'd never show such emotion to anyone.

I saw Sarah twice a week for three weeks. She tried to get me to open up but I've never been that way. She offered to hypnotise me to see if she could find a reason for that. I refused.

She said calmly, "David, I can't force you to have a life. The sadness within you is so clear to everyone who cares about you. Your music gives you a release but it can't help you rebuild yourself. Do you fear that if you release what's inside you, you'll never write as well? I would say, in my experience, you'll be even better as all your emotions will be available, not the few you allow to surface.

"Take some time and consider this. We can't move forward as you are. We're wasting your time which is probably what you told Dawn before we started."

I took myself off to Sutherland. For the next three weeks I worked on a film score. It was a dark, melodramatic, disaster of a love affair. The music came to me as I read through the script. I had to research some instruments which made a sound like a soul in despair. I was very pleased with the result.

I was shocked when I began looking at ideas for the kids film, I had nothing. For days I read the script but not one word or note came to me. That had never happened to me before.

I drove for my weekly shop and as there was a signal, I called Dawn. Once the pleasantries were out of the way, she'd a lot to say. Leigh-Anne's album had stopped the world. It was at number one in the UK and most of Europe, It was top ten in the US and rising. There were so many requests for talk shows, tours, she was swamped. She said, "You spoke about visiting Australia and New Zealand. They want you."

I explained my problem when I could get a word in. She replied as I expected, "You need to come home and we can discuss this together."

I forwarded the film score. I dwelled on her words for a week before heading home. I'd not one note come to me. Once home I called her. She came to see me. I can count on one hand how often she had done that in the ten years we'd worked together.

Dawn hugged me, not a good sign. Once the pleasantries were out of the way, she dived straight in on how the album was exceeding everyone's expectations. This meant so many requests to appear on various talk shows throughout the world. She'd turned them all down as she knew my feelings. Leigh-Anne would only agree to them if they focussed on her music not the break-up. As a result, she hadn't done any. Dawn added, "As the album shows the pain you are both in, it's hard not to link the two."

When we began talking about the kids film score, her voice showed her concern, "David, you wouldn't let Sarah help you. She only said you've built a wall to contain all your feelings and refuse to allow it to be knocked down. I haven't seen any joy in you in the months since Elizabeth and you broke up. This film is about happiness and you don't have any in your life.

"You have two choices. Do whatever Sarah suggested to try and find happiness or return the film brief. If that's the case, I'll refuse any such requests in the future."

She paused before continuing firmly, "The feedback from the other film is that the music is so dark, it drives the film. They thought they had written a real tear jerker but the music makes it oceans of tears.

"It sums up where you are. Your last batch of songs were far darker than any before. So few had any light. Please consider what Sarah asked. If you get any darker, few will want to record them."

Dawn looked through some of the songs I had written before I'd gone off. She laid them back down, "I rest my case. The melodies could be beautiful but the lyrics are so dark, full of anger and despair."

We talked around all the requests she had for me, two more film scores but on the basis of what I was writing, not suitable. Six of the stars had recorded my songs. Two were out as singles. With Leigh-Anne and the girls as well I had six top ten singles in the charts. Seven of the top ten albums. The other stars were waiting to release my songs for a space to appear for them in the chart.

As she left, "David please call Sarah, for your own good. You need help."

I spent four days staring at the walls. I couldn't leave my flat as there were paparazzi outside. Not one note or word for a new song came to my mind. Reluctantly, I called Sarah and arranged an appointment.

The session started with a full recap of how I'd been and what I'd been doing. I told her Dawn's opinion on my new work. Her feeling that as I lacked happiness I couldn't find any for the kids film.

Sarah said calmly, "David, hypnosis won't change you. It may find what you have hidden so deeply from yourself. Once it's released it will fight to return so it keeps control. How you confront and overcome those demons holding your emotions hostage will determine how you move forward."

I allowed her to hypnotise me. When she brought me out of it, I saw concern on her face. She said quietly, "When I play the recording, listen carefully, not only to the words but their nature. The tone particularly. There are several key areas we'll discuss as this will shock you. I'll have to hypnotise you another couple of times as I know there is more hidden within you. You'll understand why I didn't continue."

She played the recording. I soon found myself in tears. I never cry, not even when Elizabeth and I split up. Sad yes but tears just aren't me. As I listened to myself as the reasons were revealed, I noticed how my voice displayed my pain. A deep, soul-destroying pain. Even more tears flowed.

Sarah spent a lot of time going over what she had unearthed from my subconscious. When I tried to evade, she challenged me. I've never cried so many tears. She made me come in three more times that week. I was an emotional wreck. I had no internal place of safety to head into. My emotions were so raw.

At our last session that week, Sarah said simply, "We've recovered why you became such a private, self-controlled person. Before we start next week with more hypnosis, it would be good for you to speak with you father and stepmother about what we've found."

I'm sure Sarah saw my reluctance but she explained why. I couldn't find anything to dispute her logic. I finally agreed to visit them To say dad, Brian and stepmother Hailey were surprised to see me would be an understatement. I doubt if I've seen them in the last two years, probably longer. Only sporadically before. I mentioned our relationship was lukewarm, really it was bitterly cold. Sarah had shown it wasn't their fault or even responsibility in anyway.

Both looked worried at my nervousness. They invited me in. As Hailey made some coffee, dad and I sat talking about general stuff. It was stilted, not quite one syllable words and answers but close.

Hailey brought the coffees through. As she did, she said with a touch of sadness, "You must be very happy. Every time I put the radio on, one of your songs is playing. Your dad won't let me play Leigh-Anne's tracks but the album is so emotive, when I hear it, I'm in tears."

I shook my head, "I've not listened to it. Apart from writing them, I was not involved, no working with her to get it right. I can't allow any feelings about her to come into me, open me up."

I moved the conversation on quickly before I bottled out. I spoke slowly, softly as I explained why I'd come. Their eyes were as wide as they would go.

I said, "I have a lot to tell you. You'll be surprised and probably mad, with justification.

"I've always been private but recently after the break-up with Elizabeth, I've taken that to extremes. To avoid the release of the album, I went to my hideaway in Sutherland. I finished a film score for a melodramatic love story which turned out unbelievably dark. The producers love it as it made a tear jerker into an ocean of tears. I was looking forward to working on a kids film as it's so funny. When I tried, I couldn't write anything. I have never been blocked before. No words or music for anything else either.

"Dawn forced me to see Sarah. I'd seen her before I'd gone but I wouldn't let her in, to expose me. Sarah hypnotised me. We've spent all this week on this one subject as it is the catalyst for many of my other issues. This explains why I have refused to allow love into my life, including yours."

They looked at me and then each other, shock on their faces.

As I continued tears began flowing from me, "I was three when my mum died. Dad, my grandparents tried to protect me by keeping me away from her. They didn't want me to see her dying of cancer. They deemed I was too young to go to the funeral. Afterwards my grandparents helped look after me but we never talked about mum. They are the generation of the stiff upper lip.

"Dad took mum's death badly. If I mentioned mum, I could see the tears in him. He couldn't speak about mum.

"I heard my three-year-old self say I wasn't wanted and I was to blame. She had me speak about why I believed that and I justified everything I said. Not being allowed to see mum or be at her funeral. How dad wouldn't speak to me about her. Sarah has made me realise he was in so much pain, he couldn't."

Dad gasped and tried to speak but I held my hand to say let me continue. I had to get through this or I'd run away.

"As an adult, I see they did that to try and help me, not hurt me. Yet, those thoughts have controlled me since. I wasn't worth loving.

"When you met Hailey, she did everything to try to be there for me. By then, I'd already become quite insular so I never let her in. When my siblings came along, I internally acknowledged I'd been replaced."

Hailey cried out, "No!"

I continued blindly through the tears, "I'd buried these feelings so deeply, I never knew I had them. It shaped the way I responded not only to you both but everyone.

"Sarah and I have spent the last few days going through all my recollections of my childhood. At no point did the reality match my perception. Dad showed his love for me throughout, even when I was an obnoxious teenager. Hailey, you didn't show any favouritism. You tried to make me a part of the family but it was me who edged away. Both of you supported me learning music. You endured my attempts at writing music.

"You didn't like me leaving home so young but due to my perceptions, I didn't see it as a home. With all those feelings within me, we've not been close. It's all my fault. Had Dawn made me see a counsellor years ago, I would have found this out sooner.

"No words can express how much I hurt you both. I can only apologise. To both of you. To Dad for believing he didn't care about me or mum. To you Hailey for never calling you mum. You were always there for me despite my hostility."

I broke down. Hailey held me. Dad went away and came back with three boxes.

He was crying as he spoke softly, "David, these boxes contain all the memories of your mum. If you wish we'll go through them together. I never realised that is why you were so withdrawn. I spoke with the doctor and others about you but no one suggested grief as the cause. You're right, I was beside myself with grief. I needed to talk with you but I couldn't. The memories were so raw. My parents said you'd be too young to have deep memories, best to let you be free of the pain.

"Hailey helped me so much. She tried to help you but you had built that wall you described. She made sure we never disposed of anything so that one day when you asked, you could see them."

We went through them and he explained where, who and how mum loved to play with me. Hailey made lunch and we talked through the afternoon. I was in so many tears,. Both dad and Hailey were as well. Throughout, I felt their love for me, something I'd vehemently rejected.

We were still looking through the boxes when my siblings Antony and Rebecca came home. They weren't impressed I was there. I hadn't been a good big brother.

Hailey took them to the kitchen and spoke with them. It must have been ten minutes before they came back.

I said, "I'd better be going. Let you have your meal."

Hailey said, "You'll stay. You are too emotional to drive just now."

I stayed. I apologised to Antony and Rebecca for not being the big brother they deserved.

Rebecca never missed me and hit the wall. She snarled, "You've never been interested in us. You did the minimum you had to do. Mum says there is a reason which you have just discovered. She'll tell us later.

"Do you know how hurt dad has been when those music awards came out and he could have been with you, enjoying your success? His pride in his son. You never went as you'd have to ask us. You never brought Leigh-Anne here. She'd have seen all my posters of her. I'd have loved to duet with her. I couldn't tell my friends you never brought her to our home.

"Antony's got a great voice. With one of your songs, he'd have a career as a singer not a shelf stacker."

I looked at them. I answered quietly, "I never go to the awards not because I'd have to take you but because I'm not worth knowing. I hold myself away from being close to people. It took Elizabeth three months to make me see she wanted me. I never thought to show her off as I knew it wouldn't last. She'd find out I wasn't worth knowing.

"Sarah, my counsellor finally broke me open. It was losing my mum and how I internalised all my emotions, hid them so I'd never be hurt again made me so cold to everyone not just all of you."

Antony sounded angry, "You lost mum because you never loved her. Yet she's still here trying to make you a member of the family."

Dad spoke sharply, "Antony, Rebecca!" He paused aware of his anger before continuing softly, "David lost his mum when he was three. Your mum rescued me but I'd damaged David though I didn't know it. The boxes we were going through is all we have of his mum, my first wife Lesley.

"We've never spoken of it until today. It's why he's so lost. He's living her death again."

I said sadly, "Your mum will explain. I'll try to be a better brother in the future. I can't rewind the past.

"Why don't you sing. If Rebecca is right, I'll help you. Be aware I won't lie."

Antony smiled, "Rebecca is as good as Melanie."

I laughed, "Okay, show me. I need demo singers for my new songs. That's how Melanie and the others started."

Rebecca was incredulous, "Why? You'll sing them as you write."

I shook my head, "I can't sing. I can inside my mind but not a proper note. It was how I was set up with Elizabeth. It was supposed to be a session singer. She wanted me to attend the music awards with her due to our second number one being a hot tip to win. I couldn't, they'd suss me out as a fake.

"She took the songs I had brought and with the band sang them. It became the Future World album.

"After her agent split us up, I had so many songs. Dawn and Jack arranged the session singers, Melanie, Shelley and Linda. They were so good I said they should record them. There were some songs which he laid aside for Leigh-Anne.. Over time I repeated this and he kept more for Leigh-Anne. He was right as I seem to be able to blend the star and the music.

"I'd stopped her agent and Johnston from using my songs. Once they were jailed, Dawn became her agent. I reluctantly agreed for her to record those songs. The album is selling well I hear. I've never heard it. I stayed away when she was recording.

"I was in my hideaway in Sutherland. I'd written a film score, very dark. I was going to start on a kids film. The script makes me laugh but I can't think of a single note. Dawn said it was because I had no happiness in me. Sarah the counsellor has hypnotised me to get my secrets. I never knew why I felt the way I did. I just felt I wasn't worth loving. The recording had me speaking as a three-year-old child. My reasoning was faultless even if wrong. I've spent four sessions with her this week just on that. My emotions are so raw. How could I have thought that but Sarah said, I was a child, I didn't rationalise like an adult.

"I see my interactions with you all. How could I have believed I wasn't wanted but I did. I'll try and be a better brother and son. If I go to any awards, my family will come with me.

"Now, stop doing what I do to avoid the limelight. Let's hear you both sing."

Antony sang a song but I stopped him after about a minute. I spoke quietly, "There is a lot in your voice which is very good. There are two things wrong. You are singing it like the artist who recorded it. Because of that, you've not included yourself, your emotion.

"Take a moment, look at the lyrics, feel them. Now sing from your heart, forget who else has done this song, make it yours."

He took a few moments and began again. I let him sing it all the way through. He was bloody good. Hailey was in tears, the difference a few words from me had made.

I congratulated him. Mums' are hard audiences.