A New Song

I turned to Rebecca, "Same, make it yours."

Her voice was superb. She made the song hers.

I nodded, "Have you duetted?"

They had. "Try that." Their voices were fantastic together.

I said sadly, "I have some songs but Dawn won't let them be heard. The melodies are good to great but the lyrics are so dark, no one would want to record them. If Sarah helps me to be better, I'll write some songs for you as individuals and as a duet. You can support each other on tour. It's why Dawn had the three girls do it. If you're not seasoned performers, it helps."

We had a meal and I was grilled about why I hadn't listened to Leigh-Anne's album. Hailey asked quietly, "Would I be close if I suggested, you tried to avoid falling in love with Elizabeth as you call her, as she'd find you were worthless. Because you feared closeness, allowing yourself to love her was a major step. When you broke up, it hurt so much and it still does if you allow yourself to think about it."

I nodded.

"Has Elizabeth tried to speak with you?"

I had tears, "Yes, she believed the lies her agent told her. She wants to speak face to face to apologise apparently. I'm told by her parents and Dawn she never goes anywhere. She won't do interviews if they want to bring us up."

Rebecca said, "The music papers are all over her. She won't speak to them. I know you wrote the songs so the words are yours. If you listened, you'd hear her pain as well. Maybe you do need to meet and speak.

"You've never been so open with us. Were you open with her?"

I shook my head, "No. I fought against opening up. It didn't help us. Dawn has tried a few times for me to seek help over the years. My music block finally gave her the way in. Sarah had tried but I refused. I went away rather than face it. I was left with no option or I would have taken another route. Sarah has brought out how much love I've refused and how badly I've hurt those like you who have tried to be close to me. Sarah says we've a lot of work to do to go to the next barrier I erected.

"I dreaded today. I told myself the door would be slammed in my face. Yet, I knew within me as Sarah had found, Dad and Hailey, my mum, loved me. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. I hope we can build on this.

"I'll speak with Dawn about you both."

We spoke about other things, family things I'd excluded myself from. I went home feeling raw but felt some peace.

Sarah hypnotised me again. As we reviewed the recording, I was in tears. Being small, introverted meant I was a target for bullies. I'd held the anger within me. The release brought floods of tears. We spent some time going over the events and how to put them into perspective so I controlled them, my emotions. I left raw.

I was staring at my walls when Hailey phoned to check up on me. I told her what Sarah had said about how Saturday had gone. She asked about today as I sounded so emotional. I told her. She sighed, "I knew. I couldn't get you to speak about it. Your dad had words with the main bully's parents. His dad was a bully. Your dad flattened him and told him he'd break his son in two if he didn't stop. Word got round and we hoped it helped you."

I was shocked. I spoke, "I remember the boy William went from bullying me to standing up for me. I never knew the cause. You both did so much for me which I never appreciated."

Hailey's call reminded me. I called Dawn and asked her to arrange a session for Antony and Rebecca. I explained why. If I hadn't new songs for them I'd have ten for them to work with from myself and others. I wanted to hear what they sounded like properly recorded. I'd pay the costs. She may have new clients.

I looked at the songs which Dawn had dismissed. She was right the melodies were very good. The lyrics needed changed. As I thought of Antony's voice, words came.

I had four sessions again with Sarah over the week. On the Friday she said, "We've opened you up to why you felt so unloved, unworthy. We've shown you weren't unloved but the thought is still there. The more you can recognise the truth, the less it will intrude. The unworthy, we still have a way to go. The bullying shaped you similarly but differently from the loss of your mum. You feel each barb . You haven't looked at who you are and what you've achieved. Next week, I'll do some more hypnosis. I think we'll find the reason you've rejected love. After that, we can look at how to build you up."

I returned home and worked on her mental exercises. Hailey phoned each day and we spoke at length about what was being discovered.

The following week, Sarah turned me inside out. I screamed about my unrequited loves and how I felt rejected by so many. I wasn't worthy. She pointed to those relationships which had been good. Their failure had been because of what was inside me, not because the girls felt I was unworthy.

I spent a lot of time on those thoughts. Hailey helped so much. I was even writing lighter lyrics.

Dawn called, "If you're ready we can have Saturday at the recording studio. The band is set."

I said, "It would be good." I called Hailey and asked to come over tonight to speak to Antony and Rebecca. She agreed. I was a puzzle as I wouldn't say why. I had to agree to her terms, be there for tea.

Once the meal was over, I said, "At 9am Saturday, you have an appointment at the recording studio. Mum and dad will come to. We'll start tonight with the songs I wish you to record."

I gave three to Antony and three to Rebecca. I played the piano while they sang. Mum and dad were in tears. They were excellent. I played with phrasing, tone, volume so we tried them in different ways. It helped showcase their voices.

I didn't want to overdo it so I gave them four duets. Their voices just harmonised so well. Again, we played around.

I didn't realise the time. It was close to 11pm. I said to them to practise and play around to see if they could make it better.

Rebecca said, "These are all beautiful. I've never heard them before. Did you write them for us?"

I nodded, "I had the melodies but the wrong words. As Sarah blew me up, new words came when I thought of you both. As I said, I have a knack of fitting the person to the song. You both fit these. Sing like tonight and Dawn will sign you up. She's bloody good. She looks after her artists."

The next day, Sarah tore out why I couldn't speak with Elizabeth. I couldn't continue, I was so inconsolable. She had me call Hailey who came and took me home. She held me when I told her what Sarah had found. She never tried to interfere just let me speak and cry and cry. She ordered a takeaway and stayed until I went to bed. Her blouse must have been soaking wet.

The next day she arrived early to make sure I went to Sarah's. How did she know I was thinking of cancelling. She waited outside the room. She'd hear my tears and screams of pain. The last part had Sarah trying to make me relax, meditate to reduce the stress.

Her final words shocked me, "David, we've exposed all your demons. Now we can begin rebuilding a better you. It will take time. At one point, I hope Elizabeth and you can have a joint session or two. Both of you need to hear from the other what went wrong."

Hailey took me home. She let me speak and asked a few questions, teasing some bits out I wanted to keep secret. She said, "You have to let those emotions you kept in check out, say the words which torment you to excise them from you. You feel the pain but I can see the boy come out. The warmth you have in your songs is coming through you now. Let yourself find your inner peace."

Friday's session Sarah hypnotised me for two reasons she said. She wanted to make sure she'd all my hidden secrets and she wanted to reinforce the relaxation system so I could find a peaceful place to let my mind work out how to move forward. It seemed to help.

Once home I spoke to Hailey, "You've been with me all week. What about your job? How have you had the time?"

Hailey smiled, "I took annual leave. You needed me. While you are still so raw, I do see a big change in you. You'll be able to write the kids film score soon. You've even flashed that beautiful smile of yours a few times."

Hailey allowed me to direct most of the talking. She did delve deeply in places where Sarah did. Should she retrain as a counsellor?

When she left, she hugged me. We'd meet tomorrow at the studio. Antony and Rebecca had been practising all week. Dad had made suggestions which they had tried to avoid. They thought he was winding them up but Antony said, "He'd fixed one part he struggled with." I laughed when she told me. I remembered dad helping my first attempts. He had made some good observations yet I never accepted them.

On arrival at the studio, I was shocked to find Jack and Dawn there. Jack smiled, "When Dawn said you had them as future stars I thought I'd better be here to make sure she signs a record deal with me for them."

I introduced them to my parents, Antony and Rebecca. Jack had his number 2 Audrey look after them, explain what they would be doing. I had the music prepared for the band. Audrey took them through a vocal warmup and several attempts with the recording mics. They were nervous but she's very good at calming people.

Soon she had them singing with the band. I could hear the band changing to showcase their voices. Once Audrey was happy, she lied to them, "Let's have you stand at the recording mics. They're not on but it will give you the feel of them for when we go to record." She continued correctly, "So far, once you relaxed you've been fantastic. David's songs suit you both. I hear he has a few duets. I've helped record a few for film scores for him and they were awesome. He won't give his siblings any crap. They'll be his best ever."

Audrey started with Antony and had him sing one song three times. Jack shouted through to her, "Have Rebecca sing hers, I think I know the settings for Antony."

Rebecca went through hers flawlessly. Audrey stood back in amazement. Hailey hugged me, "You wrote that song for her and it is as you say, made for her."

After Rebecca, Jack said, "Take five minutes." As they grabbed a drink their faces changed. The recordings were being played. Hailey and Dawn were crying. Dad and I had moist eyes. They were amazing. Antony and Rebecca were in shock. Audrey said quietly, "You've no experience so I wanted you to just think you were singing normally. Once you relaxed you were fantastic. You can hear yourselves and know you deserve to be here.

"As we go on, you'll build on that confidence. By the end of today, you'll be far better."

They came back to the microphones and we recorded the other songs. The final duet had mum and dad hugging each other. It was children expressing their love for their parents. Once they'd recovered Hailey hugged me. Dad hugged me.

Jack and Dawn were in discussions as we packed up. The band were telling Antony and Rebecca how great they were. Audrey went to Jack and spoke.

Dawn came up to me and my parents, "Jack wants to release those tracks. They will need more studio time to refine them but they were excellent as you said. If you have more songs to add great. He has others which may work for them. With just that it would be three EP's. They'll need an agent. Neither he nor Audrey have heard a better initial session. I agree."

I spoke quietly, "Dawn I have suggested you as their agent. One thing Michael and Betty said about Elizabeth, as she was so young they became part of her management team. It was that loophole which brought down Jones. Could mum and dad be a part? They could give up their jobs and travel with them, be there for them."

Mum and dad were shocked.

Dawn smiled, "It works for me. I'd use them together while they build their stage craft. They might like having their parents to support them or perhaps they would want to be free?"

Antony and Rebecca had come up just as Dawn finished speaking. They were so happy. Hailey spoke to them about what had been said. They were blown away. They'd want mum and dad involved.

Dad told Dawn I'd given her a very high recommendation. Dawn couldn't believe that "David thinks I just tell him what to do. I say I give him an option which just makes sense."

Everyone laughed.

Jack came up. He hugged me. "David I've never seen you smile as much as you smiled today. I'm not surprised, they were absolutely the best newcomers I've ever heard. Your songs had such love, from which they were able to weave such wonderous visions. More please!

"Remember I want to be their producer."

Dawn laughed, "I think this time it's David saying to me that's the best option. I'll go through everything with them and when they sign, I'll speak with you. Hopefully, David will be completing his journey. He was even humming along in tune. What has Sarah done?"

Now it was my turn to be shocked. Dawn suggested I take my family to a restaurant for a meal. She booked one. Dad cringed at the cost. I laughed, "I invited you. I'm paying. Have what you want."

Antony and Rebecca were in disbelief over everything they'd experienced today. Rebecca said, "Audrey helped so much. She seems to know what to say at the right time. She kept our nerves down and focus on the songs. I knew they were good but when they played them back I was mesmerised. Antony was brilliant."

I said, "Both of you were. You took the songs along with you, weaved the patterns and let us follow. It was great. Jack hopes to record full albums of songs with you. He said he'll look amongst the ones he has to find artists for while hinting I'd better get busy. I think he saw three albums, one each and one duet.

"Dawn will sit down with you all and explain everything. One thing I can say, she will look to do her best for you. She will look after you, make sure those around you are good people. She won't work you to death nor will she let you holiday forever.

"Some of her staff will work on your stage presence, your choreography. She set me up with a fitness trainer. I call her Cruella. She's lovely but don't let her fool you. She's cruel, bloody cruel. She's called me a few times to remind me, I need to see her. It will help my mental battles. I don't like agreeing but she was right. Being fit does help.

"All this is new to you all. Speak about it and think of any questions you need answered. If you feel it's not for you say so. The stage looks glamorous but off stage so many try to take over your life. Mum and dad will help you. I'll help you."

The meal was very good. They were still buzzing as we parted. Hailey hugged me, "Thank you. You've done so much for them. You've helped yourself to. I heard you call me mum a few times, you don't know how I longed to hear you say that. Never forget your real mum. You loved her and must grieve for her."

Dad hugged me. He laughed, "I'm glad you paid, that was a week's wages."

As I sat at home, I looked over the day. It was the best day I could recall.

Sunday I went out for a walk. I was trying to do as Sarah had suggested. Not focus let my mind solve everything. Only address the parts which came to mind. In the afternoon, I spent time crying as I looked through a box about my mum. The photos of her holding me showed such love and happiness in both of us. Dad's face showed his love for us both. Why had I not remembered that?

Monday I had another session with Sarah. She was happy with the way I was progressing. She worked through a couple of major issues. She made me look at ways to express my feelings rather than hide them. The way I'd hidden anything positive led to a complete lack of self-confidence. I had to look at my positive attributes not my perceived negative ones. When I spoke about those, she destroyed them. She said, "Challenge the negative thoughts. You have so much worth in you. It will be difficult to begin with but the more you knock those thoughts down, the more you'll see the positive you."

I saw her each morning. Afterwards, I did head to the gym and the torturer. She had missed me. In the afternoons I started the kids film score. After a week, I thought I had something to build on. It was so different to what I had originally imagined.

Three weeks went by. I'd tea at mum and dad's twice a week. They had all been engaged with Dawn and signed on. Dad said, "I just did as she said, it was easier." I laughed. I did the same.

I tried the film score on them. Hailey said, "It's so warm. It's like your being held by love. Then it explodes into fun. I have to see this film."

The others agreed. Rebecca said, "Sarah has opened you to all your emotions. It feels like it's from the view of a little boy yet there is so much for adults. For a kids film it will be magical."

I said, "The film score for the other film is finally complete. The orchestra will be in the studio in a fortnight. All local musicians. Once we've recorded the film score, I'll have them do a demo of this for the producers. I'll have a few tweaks to do but I can visualise it which I couldn't before."

Once home, I did nothing. I tried to meditate as Sarah had suggested To look at myself positively. It was challenging.

By the end of the week Sarah dropped a bombshell on me. She wanted Elizabeth and I to speak. I tried to refuse but Sarah showed how much I had progressed. What was preventing me opening up further and moving on with my life was my feelings about Elizabeth. I'd fought falling in love as I was unworthy. She'd opened me to love and slammed the door on me. My love was still hurting, badly bruised and stopping me moving on.

On Monday Hailey turned up. She should be at work. She laughed, "I called in a family emergency. Dawn called and said today would be very difficult for you. She felt you'd need your mum." She smiled as she said that.

In Sarah's office, we met Betty and Elizabeth. I introduced them. Elizabeth spoke quietly to Hailey. Betty hugged me. "Thank you for letting her speak to you. I hope it helps you both."

Sarah took us in. We had only spoken four words to each other. I had a brief sense of panic. What would Betty and Hailey talk about?

Sarah said, "Today, I hope won't be as daunting as you both expect. Both of you have been on a journey. Many of the problems within you have resolved or are in the process off.

"Both have one major problem which is stopping you moving on. It involves the other. Please listen and not interrupt each other. Elizabeth, please start as we discussed."

Elizabeth looked at me, her eyes showed her nerves and sadness. "David, I need to apologise to you for what happened between us. Sarah says not to go deep to begin as there is so much to say. I allowed Jones to prey on my insecurities, poison me against you.

"I have never felt love like I felt with you. It overwhelmed me. You fought me but you fell in love with me. I couldn't believe such a great guy as you could love me. I was so happy. When mum became ill, you were the one to suggest I help her, be there for her. Instinctively, you were right.

"I didn't know how much Jones was manipulating me, dropping into conversations you were playing around. My conscience said you'd never do that. It came out she used some cannabis in my cakes which made me more pliable to her suggestions. It took time but I started to believe her. My anger at you meant we rowed and rowed.

"I saw your pain and your love. My conscience said David loves you, Jones is a bitch but I couldn't break free of her and her words. Sarah discovered why.

"When you did leave, my world fell apart. In many ways it was what I had expected. You'd move on, find someone better. I'm so sorry, I hurt you so much."

Sarah stepped in, "David, were you looking to move on?"

I looked aghast at Sarah. I stammered, "No. I fought falling in love with Elizabeth as I knew I was unworthy of love, her love in particular. When she was screaming at me, it only confirmed why I shouldn't have allowed her into my heart. At the end, I felt flat, it was what I expected to happen. She was moving on. Another notch on her belt."