A Secret Even to Myself Ch. 10

The longer he gazed into her eyes, his cheek dampened. Tobias desperately tried to grasp why he was crying. Her eyes never left his and they were not judging the tears falling from his eyes. He felt like he was drawn into her and cradled, safe.

It was a vulnerable place to be. He let few people in, to see his vulnerabilities and even fewer let him in. She's seeing him completely naked. Yet, she still giving him herself.

He has seen women naked and vulnerable. He was used to them throwing themselves onto him but never reciprocating to let him into their soul. It was always them begging him to humiliate them. He often felt like his secret life as a Dom he was more celebrated for his sadism than his work in Hollywood as a well-respected photographer. He was famous in the community.

They loved to be fucked. Especially, when all he has on was his business slacks or almost fully clothed. A quick taking because he could and they loved the control he exerted on him.

He would tap-tap-tap a flexy rod cane against their sweet butts. It was a tease because he would reach back and slam the cane against their behind leaving a solid raised welt. Women loved the exhilaration of going from gentle punishment to excruciating in a flash.

Yet now, with Mahin, just simply looking into each other's eyes in silence, he was feeling a myriad of both. It's like a snap of the whip and the cool rub in between the next soft hit.

His fame in the community came with Doms looking to him for advice and would attempt to copy his style and their subs always looking to him. Subs were jealous of Angelica and treated her kindly but then would throw themselves on him when she wasn't looking. They were happy that Angelica was now gone, their greedy approaches told him. But Tobias couldn't bring himself to play with anyone, anymore. It ripped a wound that wouldn't heal.

Never before had he been with a woman so revealing and open that this one at this moment. And he is undressing too and it was startling to him how this was happening with every second of just sitting quietly and taking in another human being. It was jarring finding deep recesses of himself, doors that were pried open that we long ago shut. Yet at the same time, he was finding Mahin's doors as well. Utter transparency and openness, not one that he had to schedule into a ritual and check on. He didn't have to second guess whether she was holding back for her own sake or reluctantly in agreement to please him.

Tears continued falling from his eyes. He had lost everything and now this girl was pushing him in ways he never experienced before. His control gone replaced with just humanity. He couldn't remember the last time he cried. No, he corrected himself. He could. The day he lost Angelica and the many months after. But before Angelica, he eyes we dry never shedding a tear. Ever.

And now, in front of Mahin his face was curtained with streaming tears. Why was he having this reaction? It was so foreign to him. He felt relief and wondered if he had truly finally lost it. He didn't know what he was specifically crying for and his logic thrived on practicality and deeper meaning, not emotional tears. But true vulnerability often did not always go arm and arm with practicality.

Mahin took a deep breath. This exercise always feels like it is short but she glanced quickly at the clock on the wall. Twenty minutes had passed.

"Every role that I choose. I have to be able to see the depths eyes that shield a complex soul. If you can find a script that gives you all these human experiences." She tried to change the subject. Now she was overwhelmed with emotions that she was afraid to delve into.

When the sun was hiding behind the clouds the dreary rain made the house feel like it was in shadows on constant sorrow. It was hard to see beyond the cheerful sea blue decor and constant light and breeze from the open airy layout. But without the sun to fill the shell she saw the house as a kind if coffin, in a perpetual cycle of grief.

"Think of one of the characters in the script you were reading. Can you see her soul?" Mahin's voice was like smooth liquor.

"Yes," Tobias' voice cracked only catching can you see her soul.

It was fast but it was so delicate. Tobias leaned in and gently wrapped his hand behind her neck to draw her close and he pulled her in for a long kiss. His lips covered hers in a sweet kiss at first but it became embolden when it was time to pull away. His simple kiss became more possessive. He deepened his kiss. His mouth desperately hungry and hers returning. It was an innocent kiss but a passionate kiss taking her breath away. His kiss was like an explorer finding an unknown treasure, his lips remembering the sweet contours of hers as if this providence would vanish into thin air.

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Dear Readers,

Thank you so much for going on this journey with me. Let me tell you, it is a real challenge to post every week. Before going on vacation, I did some quick edits of this chapter and put it aside. It has been really hard getting back to it, especially now that I am posting Weight of Penumbra, too. :-D

Did you like that surprise?

Anyways, I needed a vacation for my vacation, and I am back to it.

I need your help. Tobias needs to pick out a script. What should the script be about? Post your script idea below. I'll write it in the next chapter.

Cheers and Happy Reading,

~Talyis