A Stranger Comes To Texas

Author's Note: This is a submission in Literotica's 2021, 750 Word Writer's Challenge. The challenge is to write a story in exactly 750 words. Given the challenging limitations under the 750-word format; this snippet of a tale relies on word play more than foreplay, punography instead of pornography and the use of bawdy parts more than body parts. Many of the lines used are not original to the author and readers may recall these lewd lines from past exchanges of dirty jokes. I have drawn from these long-lived standards shared among impolite company and woven them into a compact story for your amusement. May you find it quick and dirty, just as I intended. --Sandy

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Richardeaux grew up watching American Wild West cowboy movies and the notorious J.R. Ewing on the television series, Dallas. Richardeaux was not born in Texas, but he'd gotten to Texas as fast as he could. He believed he was destined to live the wild Texas life.

Richardeaux figured he must find a real Texas woman to make his dreams come true. He wanted a Texas girl that would fuck him like she was riding bareback on a bucking rodeo bronco. Richardeaux knew the boast that 'everything is bigger in Texas,' and hoped to saddle up with a Texas gal with Texas-sized tits.

Richardeaux walked into the saloon, bellied up to the bar, lifted his loafer onto the brass foot rail and caught the eye of the saloonkeeper. "I would like to enjoy your beer, s'il vous plait, partner," he said in his accented English.

Bubba moseyed over from the far end of the bar, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

"No," answered Richardeaux. Then added, "Or, as we say in my country, 'no.'"

Bubba scratched his stubbled chin and squinted to take a gander at the stranger. "You seem like a man who knows his no's. For yer sake, I hope you're the kind of man who knows how to keep his nose clean; 'cause folks around here don't take kindly to nosy know-it-alls who use highfalutin words when ordering a beer."

Richardeaux's first encounter with a Texan did not disappoint; he'd found a genuine, badass Texan. "I'll buy you a beer," he said, "and you will explain to me what you mean, no?" Richardeaux tried his best badass sneer after he had made the offer. "And I use the American 'no,' not the 'no' from my country; if you know what I mean."

"Nope," The Texan shot back. "And I use the Texas word for no. If you know what I mean," he answered.

The Texan's ungallant response rocked Richardeaux back on his proverbial spurs, "What? You will not allow me to buy you a beer?"

Again, the Texan replied, "Nope. You're new to these parts. I'll buy. We're in Texas; it's the friendly Texas thing to do for a stranger."

Richardeaux's badass sneer melted into a grin, "I accept - partner."

Bubba asked, "Whada they call you?"

"My name is Richardeaux La Grande."

"I didn't ask fer yer name. I asked what they call you."

"I no understand."

"Partner, here in Texas, we don't use our given name. And if you ain't got a nickname, we're just goin' to hafta fix that."

"I come with only my name, Richardeaux La Grande. I don't have a Texas nickname."

"I see," said Bubba. "Richardeaux sounds like Richard, and Richard sounds too formal. We'll call you 'Dick'. And 'La Grande' sounds like the Rio Grande - the Big River. From here on out, you're Texas-sized nickname is Big Dick."

"So, Big Dick, what brings you to these parts?"

"I come to see Texas and I hope to find a Texas woman. There is something about Texas women that attracts me, and I'm trying to put my finger on it."

"I catch yer drift partner," said Bubba with a nod of the head.

Big Dick asked, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a Texan that knows the lay of the land - and just where to find her."

"By the looks of me, some might say my pussy-baggin' days are past. But I tell ya what, I feel like a twenty-year old -- but I have a hard time finding one."

"Can you help me get lucky?"

"I'll try. But when it comes to women, if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all."

Bubba explained,

"I once met a lass from Dumas.

I'd been told she had a fine ass -

not round and pink as you would think;

but gray, had long ears and ate grass."

Bubba continued,

"I dated a nymphomaniac from Dallas.

She once used dynamite for a phallus.

They found her vagina in South Carolina

and bits of her tits down in Alice."

As luck would have it, into the saloon walked

a buxom girl, of whom it was said-

at the hint of sex, she'd turn bright red.

"Howdy, I'm Big Dick" he said with zest.

Her eager reply couldn't have been guessed -

Turning red, she said, "So glad to meet you - I'm Helen Bed."

The last anyone heard; Helen mounted Big Dick and rode him off into the sunset.

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The author has benefited from the collection of vice verse in Richard Ledered's book, The Cunning Linguist.